Listen, come next week all of this may be deemed false, but after that alt stream I’m literally in crashout mode and I gotta spiral about it.
What must it have been like to be tr!Lucas? To be given a second chance, to create a new version of yourself with few memories of your trauma, a clean slate with no cracks or flaws to be found? To maintain that precise, minimalistic, detached exterior as to not offend, to not disturb, to remain as tr!Bad said, unobtrusive.
And people like this version of you. Sure there’s opposition, there always is, but people like you, they care about this version of you. You have worked so hard to maintain this persona that will take the brunt of any criticism, any threat, will not crack, will not break, simply watches, observes and aids where you can. Because that’s all you can do, that’s all you're allowed to do. To serve as a tool to every person you care for or related to and have that be the pinnacle of your worth. Not what you have done, not what you can do, but what you aren’t doing. What you haven’t done, what you’re doing wrong.
And through it all you are spending day in and day out in a laboratory that is an echo of what you once had, reliving every minute in that dark place trapped within white walls and glass, always looking out desperately wanting to be back on the outside of it all. To not be the test subject everyone looks at and applies pressure to. Trying to find the limit, the very thing it would take to make you crack and break. Because that’s what they want. It’s what they’ve always wanted. To see what it would take for you to finally give in. To finally bend that “rotten defiance” into a more pleasing shape.
But a clean slate can only stay clean for so long. There will always be marks and cracks. After all, a tool wears thin when you use it so carelessly. Tr!Lukey spent so long preserving an experiment that was never meant to last this long. Newt helped him get his memories back for a reason, and it surely wasn’t so he would end up like this. A version of himself that remained passive, never stood in opposition, accepted everything for what it was, always claiming to be “fine.”
And yet, Lukey truly thought it would work. This version of him would be the one that sticks, the one who is finally free, finally happy, finally wants to live. And it still wasn’t enough. Because this “perfected” version of him still isn’t enough to make tr!Pangi want to stay. To make tr!Aimsey want to stay. To keep tr!Bad safe, to change tr!Pili’s mind, to show tr!Ros the truth of his past, the list goes on and on.
And this all came crashing down on him with a weight too heavy to bear anymore. There were chips in the paint, the pristine walls began to crack, and rather than crashing out outwards to the detriment of others, tr!Lukey did what he does best, turn that pain, that anger, that despair inwards. Because the only enemy that he has control over is himself.
A man so desperate to hold on to the last shreds of control he had has one last card to play…and that’s to show his hand. To lay it all out on the table. Everything. He saw how effective it was against Ros. And there was no better way to kick that off than to end this pristine version of himself for good. Because it wasn’t real, it was a lie, an experiment that had run its course and now tr!Lucas has the results.
Some people are meant to change. Some people are meant to be alone. And sometimes, to help the ones you love, you have to change back into a version of yourself that you never loved, one that was lonely even when not alone, and will always be alone in the end. He’s certain that if tr!Lucas shows his hand, embraces his past, actively chooses to become the more selfish, unhinged version of himself, the one with an eternal deathwish who fears nothing but the unknown…tr!Pangi wouldn’t hesitate in leaving anymore. He'll just go.
Because after all, if tr!Pangi was already willing to leave tr!Lukey, clean slate and all…there is nothing tr!Lucas could do that would make him stay now.
So where does that leave him? Well, post-death…tr!Lucas, the one who started it all, has one final test laid out before him. One last chance to prove himself to the very people that cracked his "perfect" exterior in the first place.
How do you keep a secret from a keeper?
How do you kill a parasite?
How do you find a purpose when the one you had is gone?
For the first time in eons, all bets are off. tr!Lucas has control over his actions, his feelings, his purpose. He gets to decide who stays and who leaves him.
How far can he push this world that rejected him in every form before it too cracks under the pressure? The paint has already chipped, the foundation is cracked…it’s only a matter of time.
Nothing lasts forever…for some at least.
Yes, his methods may be concerning, yes they will hurt, god do they hurt, but the intention is there. He has a purpose, and he has a goal.
It’s time tr!Lucas fought for his own optimal outcome. And when, not if, but when he ends up alone in the rubble of what remains of this place…he’ll figure it out. He always does.
He’s a scientist after all, and though the ramifications of his choices will be devastating, will hurt him more than any keeper or outworlder ever could, and even though his methods may damn this world once more to a cycle it has yet to break, if everything goes to plan...you can’t argue with the results.
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