☆

in pursuit of decoding my mind

[eclipticrika]

i wonder if people from my past still think about me, strange to think such an outdated version of me exists in their minds.

[eclipticrika]

im not upset with you, i’m upset with myself for letting things get to a point where i’m being disrespected.

[eclipticrika]

we’re always told to listen to our gut instincts, i’ve got an odd feeling that we’re not as good as we think we are.

#tooscaredtoactonitthough

[eclipticrika]

to the boy i love who i’ll probably never show this to ~ a love letter

before you, i had made peace with the silence. i believed love was a constellation i was never meant to find in my sky.
i told myself the stars were too far, too bright — and i, too earthbound.
then suddenly, you.
love didn’t rush in; it found me gently. no grand gestures, just your presence — quiet, steady, certain.
i didn’t realise how cold i’d been until love touched me, and it felt like you. like coming home — except now i finally understood what home truly meant.
i didn’t expect you. something in me turned toward you, the way planets move without question under gravity’s pull.
you taught me that silence doesn’t have to be broken, but can be filled. that love isn’t always fireworks — sometimes, it’s a quiet sky full of stars, waiting to be seen.
i used to think i was too late for love.
but maybe love isn’t a train you miss — maybe it’s a light you don’t see until the night is just dark enough. you are the night that showed me the constellations were never gone — i just wasn’t looking high enough.
with all the quiet wonder of a universe im only just learning to see - with you, my love.

[eclipticrika]

i didn’t realise how cold i’d been until love touched me, and it felt like you

[eclipticrika]

I feel the need to write about you - just as I’ve written about all the others. But I can’t seem to find the words. Before you, I could wrap every encounter, every glance, every rise and fall of feeling into a neat, almost (sort of maybe not) poetic paragraph. But with you, it’s different. You’re the kind of muse real poets lose sleep over, the kind of man Jane Austen would have written into legend. You stir something in me that I thought existed only in 80s rom-coms and guitar strung love songs, a feeling I only ever believed to be that of fiction. I’ve never felt this before, so I haven’t yet learned how to capture it on paper, and maybe I never will. Once again, language betrays me, its rigid walls collapsing trying to trace the way you feel. This one’s for you, my love - the piece that holds the most feeling, even though I can’t quite convey it. Maybe it’s better that way. Maybe some things are meant to be felt, not shared. And maybe this feeling, this unspeakable, untouchable thing, is mine alone to keep.

[eclipticrika]

ADRENALINE. and why i chase it so furiously.

i was always told that my captivation for electricity would lead me to incredible highs and dangerous lows in my existence. the natural ludicrous that ached my blood for stimulating shock was something i always found myself a prisoner too. adrenaline. i always have loved the dangerous things in life, however i always tried to course into making the right decisions like there was someone watching my every move. my whole life i cemented to the path of internal clarity and prosperity — my personality being an abundance of good grades and hard work. i always knew that i was a people pleaser, no matter where i went. i always strived to make my parents proud, to put on a joyous smile and play a cynical game of make believe that everything in my own world was perfect just so they could sleep at night. but when you immerse yourself in an act of perfection for so long, you start to forget who you really are when the curtains close. when you're alone sat on the edge of a cliff without a care in the world surrounded by all your masks laying stagnant around you — you fall a victim to the criminals of indifference. you’re simply numb. you just put a smile on your face and avoid; you avoid and avoid and avoid until you merely forget about the pain and what you were trying to hide. life starts feeling like a cycle of distracting routines and dull moments until you start to find yourself doing things in dissociating thoughts. you discover situations where you just couldn’t help but touch that hot lightbulb with the tip of your finger, knowing it will burn but for some reason needing to feel certain about something. it's the state of being numb, and when you finally strive to reach that point, you wish nothing more then to get out of it. it’s a trap, it’s always a trap. the minute you go numb, you wish you could take it all back. you forget who you are, and you hate what you've become. you continue the smiles, the laughter, the act of the perfection — but deep down was nothing but a hollow box with a chilling wind and the sound of brick tunnel. that’s why i love electricity. it keeps me alive and gives a sense of true feelings temporarily putting everything around you on hold so you can be present in the moment. adrenaline.

[eclipticrika]

smiled so big at your text that i think i might have to block you

[eclipticrika]

dreams collecting dust

i once yearned, desired, and sought with unrelenting fervour. yet the trials of life have dulled those sharp edges, hidden in quiet corners, their weight growing heavier under the burden of neglect. what once burned with a fierce flame now flickers faintly, a lingering scintillation of what was. longing for the touch of remembrance, my dreams cloaked in dust.

[eclipticrika]

YOUR NEW LIFE WILL COST YOU YOUR OLD ONE.

[eclipticrika]

and i hope one day i’ll wake up and it’ll all be okay

[eclipticrika]

we all have more control than we’d like to admit.

[eclipticrika]

i love people with interesting minds, i live for hearing other’s opinions on what could be the most aimless or meaningful subjects. i enjoy working out how people think and how differently all our minds work, individuality makes us intriguing in unique ways. i’ll never get bored of talking to someone who thinks differently.

[eclipticrika]

ego is one hell of a drug

[eclipticrika]

jealousy comes in jokes, just pay attention.

[eclipticrika]

if you can’t put it on your cv what’s the point.

[eclipticrika]

it’s a late night in the middle of june and i am in fact thinking about you.