Learner

[ecollis241-blog]

Conflicted

I have had a great last 2 days. 

I just did some orientation for my new position as a nurse apprentice. Things are looking up, I learned how to spell “apprentice”, and I feel like I am getting along with my peers. I even got up early yesterday and walked our new puppy! 

Maybe because I started today with some anxiety by waking up late but, I’m feeling pretty down. I keep looking at my body. I gained weight back which I have fought my whole life. It’s so frustrating. For one, it makes me feel disgusted at myself. Secondly, I stopped weighing myself at the start of Covid because my scale battery had died and although I had alternative in my parents bathroom, I didn’t want to know. I felt like I might gain a little from the stress of working at a HOSPITAL in the BEGINNING of Covid. I found that my mood was  a bit better, I relaxed. 

I guess I can’t really relax about my weight. I want to be active but I seem to be requiring that it is social. I wanna play a sport or something. 

I have spent SO much time alone today. I did stuff in a room with 30 people (large room, covid safe) but, we were talking or interacting. I ate lunch alone, came home and quarentineed in my room alone. My mom might have covid so, we will see our test results soon. I am tired of being alone today. Maybe part of my rigidity on a social physical activity is because I NEED interaction with others. Thank goodness Caroline suggested we get breadsticks! She brightened my day. Also Ashley and Ryan called - so that's some social. 

So despite my happiness and excitement in my new and improved role, I am feeling pretty shitty. 

I am like a marshmallow person. 

Sounds like it is time for bed for my mental health.

[ecollis241-blog]

Giving Thanks

Wow. The last year. 

My significant other’s mom pointed out to us what a great year it has been for us. Something I had thought in passing but not taking much consideration of. 

Backing up to winter 2019, I was really struggling as a human with my depression and anxiety. I also was working as an RA and senior nursing student. I was really struggling in my pediatrics class and my critical care class. I submitted a major assignment a few hours late and lost probably 15% off my grade for it. I rallied and passed the final but ended up not passing my pediatrics final. 

Somewhere near the end of that challenging semester, my patient in clinicals died following a traumatic code. I think we coded her for 2 hours. I did compressions 4 times one of which, they were intubating her. She was just in her 40s and with a young son. I still harbor some anger toward her and that situation. My family also suffered a loss of a close family friend who had pancreatic cancer. 

These academic struggles and personal struggles lead to me not being allowed to complete my BSN just 5 months before graduation (4 year program). 

I scattered to come up with a plan. Fortunately for me, my boyfriend and his mom were supportive of me despite my failures. I was able to graduate with a B.A. in Individualized program with a psychology minor. 

I really began working my job as a nursing assistant in late February into March 2020. Great timing if you recall. I am an essential worker and it was just what I needed. The ability to do good and distract myself. 

In the meantime, I was working on getting back into nursing school. I decided that financially the local community college was my best bet. I had to sit for the TEAs for the first time. Lucky for me, I got in! At our first orientation they mentioned that they had partnered with the hospital I work at to for a Nurse Apprenticeship where they would aid in paying for school and books while employing nursing students to work 1 shift as an aide and 1 as a nursing student. Only 5 spots open!

I whipped out my honesty and my references and GOT THE SPOT! I told them I essentially failed out of my other program and they ACCEPTED ME!

The timing was perfect because my unit was very stressful. My progressive unit was half COVID. I had not had any of my patients on my unit die during my shift until November. Then I had 5, most of which, had covid. I was really beginning to feel beaten down. Many of the nurses on my unit began to catch it too. 

My boyfriend was blessed in December to be accepted to a medical school!

Then on 12/29/20 I got the Pfizer vaccine!! I almost want to cry, I am ready for the light at the end of the tunnel. I have had side effects (fever, fatigue, malaise -- woot woot immune system!!!) on 1/2/21 which are all gone now.  My next one is on 1/21/21. 

I am incredibly blessed as I begin my new job and my second shot in nursing school!