Date's changed for most of the world by now (including me), but it is (or was) Enby Day and that gave me some cause to think about things. It's pretty late and this is somewhat stream-of-consciousness so forgive me if any of this doesn't read well. More below.
Personally, today was nothing special. Well, it was actually quite bad barring a walk and hanging out with my bf (who I love very much, he makes days better). I'll spare anyone reading this the details, but I live in a very conservative home. Back when I considered myself cishet, it was easier to deal with (even if I was already a leftist). All I had, and still have, to do is lie / avoid certain topics. But as I've changed, things have gotten harder. I have to deny myself every day. I've been on hrt over a year now so I always wear baggy clothes / a hidden sports bra to ensure they don't notice changes. If someone mentions the Trans Topic, I keep my mouth shut except when responding to them affirmatively. These are common problems queer folks face ofc. I'm not trying to fish for sympathy by sharing all this. Rather, it's context for the main point: I can't deny that sometimes I still use the wrong pronouns for myself in my head. Hearing those all the time and needing to refer to myself as such (because everyone in the house always has Something To Say about gender) embeds in me a self-doubt I still haven't shaken. What if I'm just faking it? What if none of this is real and I just can't face what I really am? I see it when I look in a mirror, feel it when I pick up a razor. Constantly stemming the tide of What I Am. At least, that's how it can feel. But as the hrt's effects have progressed, as I hear more of my friends gender me correctly, I feel happier. It's something I consciously notice every time, because I still haven't accepted it as the standard. I'll wake up, see the same bodily changes as yesterday, and be surprised all over again. I find myself wanting to dress more cutely, more feminine than I did before (though I don't know if I'll ever be a skirt/dress person, love me some nice pants). I want to try getting new kinds of haircuts. I want to get my ears pierced, and more than just the earlobe. Little things, adding up. And it reminds me - or makes me realize again, if you wanna be dramatic - that what I want to be, what I am, is real. My goals are attainable. I can reach that point if I stay the course. I won't always be in this house, I won't always have to present a certain way, I won't always have to lie. I may sometimes misgender myself mentally, but that's less frequent than the other way 'round. And that rate is improving, even if there are bad days. Since first coming out to some of my friends (one of whom became my boyfriend) and eventually full friend groups (which was nerve wracking) there has been demonstrable improvement in my mental in the relevant areas compared to before, even if some things aren't always ideal. I have context for stuff I've always felt, like hating having to cut my hair short / being shirtless around others. Not wanting to fill the role of a "Man". Obviously these are things men can feel and still be secure in who they are. And I support them! But for me, as I examine things that made me unhappy in life, a shocking amount of them come back to the gender expectations I've always felt. That made me realize why things feel worse at home now.
As I said, much of this is stating the obvious / standard trans experience, I know. But even seeing myself as truly trans is something that took lot of time, plus some help from a few trans friends. And I guess, on this (day after) Enby Day, I wanted to reflect on all that. Also, even more than that, just to put it all out there. To offer some modicum of encouragement to anyone (not just queer folks) who feels trapped in their body/life. Things can get better, the rough days will pass. Maybe this all seems like trite platitudes, reheating what others have said more eloquently. But still if it helps even one person, makes just one day a little brighter, then I have to try. I know the thought helps me, at least. I hope anyone reading this has a good day/night. Thanks for listening.
