Excerpt/concept from my book available for pre-order until August 20th! Pre-order now for $20 with free shipping http://bit.ly/selfielovebookKS
This story begins at age 14. There was this kid, awkward and quirky, with a panasonic HD camcorder in his right hand and a bag in his left shoulder. Wearing a t-shirt with the words “Club Gaga” written on them, he walked around the small convention center in the Beverly Hills Hilton hotel with nothing but a desire to find himself.
Sometimes, finding yourself happens with the help of other people. It’s this idea I like to call reflections—sometimes you can’t see your true reflection, your true potential, but others can. I was so young, scared, and afraid of what others might think of me. With a box full of my Gaga props that I spent hard earned dollars and many hours to create, I was intent on letting everyone know who I was: Eddie Oliver Smith. I wore my “ipod glasses” displaying “Eddie Oliver Smith”, “Vidcon 2010” and “Club Gaga” just to let people know it.
I walked up to my idols which included iJustine, Brittani Louise Taylor, Olga Kay, and Michael Buckley to name a few. I gave iJustine a crystal bejeweled light up “Disco Stick” that took me forever to make. She later thanked me by making a video while sitting on the floor of the convention center calling me “amazing”. When I walked up to Michael Buckley, he gladly asked to switch glasses with me and started an one-on-one interview he would later retweet to his followers. Before I knew it, I had this collection of photos and videos of my idols—who stopped and had a real conversation with me—which helped me realize that maybe I had potential.
This was the first time that anybody saw me as Eddie. A creative, talented, but quirky kid with a gift. It wasn’t about my high pitched voice, awkwardness, or my fighting outgoingness that was ready to burst at the seams. When I was scared, nervous, excited, etc I would click the little red button on my camera and talk to the lens. It took a lot to believe in it all—to believe that I was talking to someone other than just myself. But these people, the internet personalities that I would spend hours watching, told me that there was nothing wrong with the Eddie in front of them. They told me I mattered.
It was the small conversations and interactions that would change my life forever. So small really in their world, but so big in mine. I was a somebody to someone that didn’t even really know me, and to that it allowed me to see my real reflection—I mattered in the world and I could create, say, or become anything I wanted. Just so long as I was happy.
Then I turned 17. High school had been a battle because although I wasn’t bullied extremely, I wasn’t quite accepted either. Summer had come and it was my favorite time of the year because it meant I could do anything I wanted to. And at this point, I was realizing how much I could “do it on my own”. I booked my first plane ticket by myself, packed my bags, and got on the plane. I said a little prayer before I took off, because I was just so nervous.
That year, I found my inner sense of fame. I found “Hollywood”. I found the drive, the dream, and taught myself that I could do anything that I set my mind to. The dreams (ideas) that I had in my mind were slowly coming to life. I was like a painter who was given a brush and blank canvas—so I created something. With the help of my newfound LA friends, we ran around LA as I sang at the top of my lungs. We created inspiration in others, but mostly, in ourselves.
Then I was 20. With two years of college under my belt, I was feeling proud and confident of who I have become. I walked onto the plane with confidence on my way to Los Angeles. It’s strange because when I arrived, Facebook had reminded me that I was in the same position, at the same time, just three years prior with a dream in my head and somewhat of an idea on how to make it happen.
This time was different though. I could just feel it from the moment I stepped off the plane that this trip was different. It wasn’t just me, it was everything around me. With my first book in my hand, one that I spent a year pouring my deepest, darkest, scariest secrets into personal journals that I decided to share with the entire world, I decided that this was my time to shine. It was time to BE ME.
How do I describe it? It’s like that knot in your stomach where you’re feeling nervous as hell, but also very excited. You know that you must—no—will succeed. No matter what wall you meet, you’ll figure out how to get around it, over it, or through it. I was very scared, terrified actually, of what this trip would bring. I had no idea the impact it would make.
When I wrote my book, I wasn’t thinking about moments like this. All I was thinking about how important the book was to my story and how great it could be for others. You see, I poured a lot of personal details into the book so I was literally exposing my diary of experiences to the world. It’s scary enough to come out, but another to document that experience with the entire world.
Sure, people think they understand what bullying does to a person. Fine, people understand what it’s like to not fit in. But I didn’t think anyone would understand the complex struggles that I had faced because I really thought I was alone. I literally thought that I was in this huge battle by myself. However, when I started to talk to people here on this trip, I discovered that I was not alone. I was standing with an entire army of people who had my back. I didn’t even think that people I didn’t even know could care about me the way these people did.
Never in my life have I ever felt more accepted, loved, cared about other than by my own family. I felt like for the first time in my life, God had put me on this planet to meet these people. To let me know that, I was meant to be here on this earth. I started to show them the book, talk about how much it meant to me, and as we talked I just watched in awe as people’s faces lit up. As they flipped through the pages, a smile came across the face. They wished me well, they asked if they could share it, and they even wanted to join the journey themselves.
I can’t really describe how I am feeling because I’m filled with so much emotion. I’m beyond passionate about this entire project as most of you know, but I’ve never felt more alive in my life. I just remember driving down the street feeling as if I was right at home. Even though I spent my last dime on this entire experience, I wouldn’t trade it for the world because I know in my heart that this is where I am suppose to be.
Everything about this trip was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable because of the fact that I had no idea how this was all going to work out. Uncomfortable because I wasn’t quite sure how long I could last on friends couches.
Uncomfortable because I was just ringing up my only credit card trying to get around, eat, etc. But with open eyes and ears, I “drove” into the experience head first and just existed for once as me. No added filters or characters. Just a book, filled with the real Eddie, the one that’s been dying to live since he was born.
I cry a lot nowadays. Writing this, I have to admit that I am tearing up just a bit. I cry almost everyday and I have slowly realized that it’s not a bad thing anymore. It’s the good kind of crying because I know I can actually feel things now. I just feel so blessed to be able to live my life just existing as me. To come back to Los Angeles three years after I was just a dreamer made me realized that I am a believer.
I’m a believer in myself. I’m a believer in all the things that I do, that things are meant to be, and that I no matter how much I struggled in the past, that there is a reason for everything. I believe that I there isn’t anything that we can’t overcome because we will never be given things that we can’t handle. In fact, we are given the things that we have in our life whether that would be good friendships, connections, etc because we are support to take that and make something great out of it. Most of all, I am a believe that maybe I actually deserve everything—all the amazing people I have met that have befriended me, the experiences and knowledge that I have gained, but most of all, that I can live my making a career out of spreading peace, love, and positivity.
So, as one would ask me “how was california?” I would tell them this much: California was amazing because it provided me with love, kindness, acceptance, opportunity, peace of mind, and oneness. I think more than anything, this trip has taught me that I will feel at home wherever I end up. I’ve learned so much about myself and others. I befriended people who support me, love me for who I am, and want to support the journey.
I’m not scared anymore because I am so damn lucky. I wake up every single day and count my blessing because I never know where life is going to take me. In fact, sometimes I don’t even know how I got here. Although, I feel so blessed to be able to be out in California with a book of messages that I hope will make just a small bit of difference in the world. With this thought, I hope that this will give you a little bit of insight into my mind, my thoughts, and my world. Thank you to everyone that has chosen to be apart of it because I don’t know what I would do without you. I guess I’d still be that shy kid with nothing but a desire to find himself again.
