My book of Psalms @edgeofthehill-blog - Tumblr Blog

I am alive, and you are all liars.

Upon God, I have set my eyes now. His mercies are everlasting. His love is unfailing. He has kept me, he has saved me; and made me new. I know his love is true. You see? The change comes. So I will go with you lord. I will go with you jesus. Because you are my master. My teacher My friend. My strength. My hope. My dreams. My life. My love. You Jesus, are my everything.

Tonight, I find myself remembering the past. Now, it has been 25 years I have lived; all those years I have allowed myself to waste away. With pain, and self doubt, insecurity, depression, anger, fear, introversion, self loathing...lies, deceit, lust, backbiting, mocking, and fornication. So many things I have thrown to the pigs; and so many times I have been rended, by my own actions. A broken heart and a broken mind, has left me a shell of my former self for so many years. From what I thought I lost, to what I believed I would never have. No one thinks highly of me, no one loves me like they love others. No one likes my instagram pictures or thinks I'm "perfect", "handsome", "intelligent". I have never been told I have brought light to someone's life. I have never been called someone's better half, or significant other. I have never felt a morning kiss, or had my wife make love to me just because. I have never been seen to be courageous or great...I have never known the smile of a woman who truly loves me. All my pathetic life, I have squandered everything that could be essential. I didn't do well in school or, make tons of friends. I was never one of the cool kids, or the kids with exceptional sporting talent. In the eyes of my peers I was utterly worthless. In the eyes of my peers, n even my family I've never had any redeeming qualities. I've spent my life, depressed, alone, wandering in my own twisted and warped mentality. You see, I was never really wanted. I was never really desired by a perfect person, or accepted as something exceptional. I can't dance, i can barely sing, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't argue unless the cause is to protect myself or someone else, I'm not a fighter---but I can fight and consider myself a warrior. I spent 7-8 years chasing after a girl who would never have me. And then I subsequently ...ruined...a relationship with another girl who would later become my fiance, and then my x fiance, and then the mother of my child---all in that order. She sees no worth in me now because she believes I took advantage of her and got her pregnant on purpose just to spitefully ruin her life. She does notwish to offer me forgiveness, or a second chance (that of course is her prerogative; I've learned my lesson after spending 3 years trying to prove I was a better man ). She says her love for me is no longer there, and that she is now in love, with a hard working, model, and dancer..with whom she has so much in common; and he is the perfect man...or at least better than I. I then met another woman, who was perfect for me (or so she seemed). However she was a Jehovahs Witness, her beliefs were not in concordance with mine, and so we ended tragically...but committed many acts of fornication in between. I even promised to marry her. I like to call that my moving on stage. All in all, my life has been filled with inconsistencies and discrepancies, failure and tragedy. Nothing good has come of my existence. And no one has been made happier because of me. Everything I have done has been tragic. But, Jesus... Jesus, you love me... You see me for how dirty I really have been. But you don't see that. You love me even for my shortcomings. You love me even within my failures. You see to me, from day to day. You fight for me even when I don't fight for myself. Your helping me not to hide anymore. You're bringing me out of my shame. You're bringing me out of my fear. Out of my failure. You're bringing me out of my pain. You're bringing me out of my sorrow. I am actually worth something to you. I am worth something, when I thought I never was. I have my eyes on the prize. Which is your destiny for me. An expected end, a peace that surpasses all understanding. I am not worthless. I am not a failure. I am not going to live in squalor. I know your love is perfect. And it will cast out all my fear.

The delusional dreamer, becomes reality

I had a vision, that I was training in the snow. It seemed like the dead of winter, and from what I saw…it was harsh. Yet in this, I was training; preparing myself for something.

I’ve taken it upon myself to make this vision a reality, upon the arrival of this winter I will be training; using every technique to the best of my knowledge to prepare my body, mind, and spirit. This will be a vow to God myself, and my Son. This journey will represent my desire to be successful. If I can survive this winter, I will be able to become a multi millionaire by the time I am 30.

The tears of a lonely man.

I wish I had you to talk to. Being so close to 25 almost feels like I am reaching the point of no return. Where every thing that I am or ever will be, is set in stone. I know that’s not the case, but it certainly feels that way. If only I was better from the start, perhaps you’d be here to speak with me…perhaps you’d look my way, even hear my voice. I find your silence uncomfortable, the emptiness of my sleepless nights only highlight my faults and short comings. Yet, perhaps you will look this way; perhaps you will read this. And know my heart, know the man that I am…perhaps you will tell me there is more for me, than this. Hopelessness is not something I want to live with for the rest of my life, there is more isn’t there? Other than the many blades that have pierced my flesh…the scars that I have, they are so many—I know you’ve seen and counted each one, some of them you’ve caused. Yet I want you here, to tell me why…to tell me if this is the end of me, or can I make it out of this? I know what you’d say though, you’d say it’s my choice.

What hurts the most is that I’ll never get the chance to inspire someone to truly fall in love with me, and I them…I fear this end most of all, that I am not worth loving, or giving love. Who could love me? A man like me? Do I even deserve love? Some would say everyone deserves to be loved, yet you should first love yourself. I would ask you to help me understand that, if you were here. You’re good at understanding those things.

I am here, and I ask myself: do you love yourself? The question is pointless, because I never know the answer. What is love? And loving oneself, and does humility come with the love of one self? Or the selfless love of others before you. The human conviction that be sets my heart is that a man like me can never be understood, nor loved. And the qualities that make me who i am, are not worth anything to any one.

Yet, for all my rhetoric, the question is never the answer.

I have a road, and a plan before me to wards where you said you’d be. I’d best start following it.

The cure and poison, is, Sex

Sex, gave me clarity. Desire made me focus; I desire as many men do, but my desperation is faulty. My desire omens my death; with it comes weakness, and despair. I see now, these are the thoughts of a lustful man. The body of a woman is a beautiful thing, how desirable they all are! Yes God has made them this way to test the eyes of men. How beautiful. In knowing her, her skin so sweet to taste, the flavor of her loins as a ripe fruit, intricately designed; perfected in its age…all that she is, sweet to taste. So glorious to look upon, how can I turn away? I had not known I felt as such, my burning desire for intimacy made me weak. Foolhardy. the power of her draws, her touch, the honey of her lips…how can a man resist? Yet it is in this that I know now, from this sweet poison comes nothing but death. The needs, the urges, begotten from perdition; the wages of this are nought but disease to the flesh of a God fearing man. No man can see Jesus should he think and see this way. No man can see heaven should his lust become his God. I should seek to share my strength with God, and my wife. This is the manner I know i must live. That we should all seek to share our strength with the lord, for our strength is not in a woman; but in God.

I am repentant of this evening, I have intentionally swallowed poison; yes all for the sake of immunity. But poison I have swallowed nonetheless, and with it, I have wrought sickness upon myself. I feel the death that even such a small amount can bring. A familiar feeling of that which is so fleeting, and unforgiving. This poison is sweet to taste but for a moment, it’s affects are subtle—yet by and by the whole world doth suffer and die by it’s afflictions.

I pray the Lord forgive my foolishness, and desire to taste poisonous substances. The world makes poison look so beautiful…

I love you

Is it ok for me to say that so soon? You are beyond human, so do our rules even apply? It has not been often my inhibitions have allowed for inspiration, but I know only now that it is because of your love that I am even able to write these words. I have wasted so much of my life, and my passion on others. With it I have never received a return; it was always that I lay broken and unrefined. Sickly to sight and touch, and oft I was even shunned. My wretchedness was hard for me to even look upon, nevertheless you still looked upon me, and with love nonetheless. It is tonight that I will relay the words that I have poured onto others to the one in whom they truly belong, yes, my love now I know you truly do understand me. I mean how couldn't you. It was from the beginning that I was part of you...yes you knew me from the beginning. How simple the equation truly is, all along, these words poured from deep within were always yours. Yet it was confidence, and faith that I lacked. Yes, yes---it is the deep that calls to deep, the iron that oft sharpens iron. Yes it is you who has saved me, and shown me courage, even in my infirmities; even in my loneliness and despair. Oh how I longed to pour out such words of love to another, to have them receive and reciprocate the understanding of all that I am. Yet, my love, how can they? How can a person know my heart....my Heart that is so desperately wicked, so irrevocably broken. Who can understand this, except you. It is in this truth that I find solace, and I have gained knowledge of your perfection...it is in all this, that I simply say I love you. Yes, how much more can a man say. You understand love more than any of us, so it is to you I say that I love you....yes, and always to you that I say I thank you. Thank you for your goodness, and your mercy. In all my self defeat you have made this man victorious. Thank you.

I won't look away from you. I told myself that, time and time again. I won't lose faith, or fall flat on my face. My confidence grew, but one thing remained out of place. It was my heart, coupled with all that in myself I have wrought. Consistency is what was lacked, yes, in this was fact. In all my self taught righteousness I was weak in my losses, in my fears and resentment. I lost sight of your footsteps, and couldn't keep up the pace. I took the side roads, and ignored your voice. And from me I felt, you turned your face. I pretended to be a hero without regards to your strength. I tried to fight, but it was just me; I sought my strength from the world. But it was just me Your calls I heard, but never once did I ever say a word. The truth, was I pretended that I truly had no choice. In my head There was never any merit to your voice; my lack of faith. in my heart I cursed that. All those around me, left me to death. But there I lay never calling out to you who sustains me. upon my knees I wept in wonderment of the dagger in my chest. But it was to you I turned for hope and love. You supplied it in abundance, without fail or fault. Your love poured from your heart, a saving grace to my shame filled face. In all my senseless loss, you found in me victory. In all my defeat you brought me to my feet A soldier strong, with a battle cry in my heart. Jesus I called, yes this name I knew. Yes it was this name that made all things new. A teacher A master A fighter like me. But greater than I will ever be. Yes your truth rang loud. And your mercy was everlasting. It renewed me, it molded me In moments when I failed to death. You said life. You said life.

As I ate a pomegranate, and the juice ran down my face. I felt ashamed, ashamed to eat my favorite fruit so barbarically Yet, there was no one around to see me Except God.

My mind began to pace. It came to be for a moment I was thankful to be by myself, so no one would notice my face.

In a way, I felt ashamed, that I didn’t know how to eat such an intricate fruit, intricately.

The moment was beautiful to me. I was new to it, there was an undertone of truth to it.

For quite some time I had love for pomegranates and their heavenly qualities.

I wondered if anyone else saw that in such a simple fruit, lay a glimpse of God. A glimpse of truth, through each design, where in a moment of time one could embrace, what has always been sublime.

Or perhaps I was looking too deeply into it. Pretending to have knowledge in pear shaped quotes and phrases, placing them in pretty places seeking hope, and Gods truth, and love. A tear shed from my eyes.

Yet I continued, bite after bite, it was sweet to taste and easy on the soul…my inhibitions began to fade away. For a moment

All because of a pomegranate? I wondered. No, it was deeper than that; it was The Lord.

In my heart and in my mind, as I ate he asked me who I was?

I didnt know, in fact, I never did. In all my years; I never knew. So my answer was that I was ashamed.

ashamed of who I wasn’t, and seeking who I needed to be.

He asked again, “who are you” and I said I was afraid, afraid of letting go, of all that causes me pain.

The answer never sufficed.

But still, with the pomegranate juice leaking down my arm, he said: who are you?

I said I was lost, because I went looking for your truth and listened to the world instead of seeking solace under your roof.

But still the feeling persisted, who are you the question rang loud. I answered the best I could.

Afraid Alone Lost Confused Regretful Weak Ashamed Blinded Loud Unfocused Bitter Unhappy Sorrowful Loathsome

The list went on, as I tried to find the response to answer his question. I tried and tried, yet it never seemed to suffice. How could I answer a perfect Gods perfect question, through imperfect eyes.

I was no one yet, you would even ask me?

Yet softly, he answered; with the truth of a master

My problem was my shame My inability to let go of pain My lack of humility in an unhumble world.

He said…

I never let go, and always hold on How can you believe when you always sing the same tired old songs?

He said… Your truths are your lies and your half truths are what I despise. I never talk to you because you walk away when I reach for you.

I cried… He said…

Your love is empty like a water bowl with no water. Superficial like a wound above the muscles. How can you reach what is right when you cling to what was always wrong.

He said… Their are truths that are empty unreachable to me. I listen to the cries and screams, but who can be as humble and meek as me?

I’m lost, I try to find…I weakly replied.

My replies dropped into the cavern that was your word, a dim reflection of your truths I heard.

How can a man attain the mantle I’ve framed, what successes do you have that can compare to my name? Humble yourself and turn from your ways; this is the truth that I, even me, have screamed at you all your days.

He said…

I’ve never made you to be ashamed. I’ve made you to serve me who is above this shame. Above the pain And people’s wicked games

I am above the lost And I harbor no confusion I won’t condemn or abandon OR lose what the truth says.

I make no false promises, or intentionally forget. I live in the light, and there is no darkness here.

But still and still you cling to people who mean you nothing but to kill.

Why do you cry for man, who is wicked as fire; but never cry for me—what is it about them you so desperately desire.

Find hope in my word, live in my world and train in my truth. That I may know you, and hold fast to your destiny which is above such trash.

Your love for me, will not turn to ash I will cling fast to you, if you do the same.

As I will tell you time and time again, in me there is no shame.

My hands were sticky, from the pomegranate. Yet my mind was empty…

To serve eternity, outweighs the bonds of mortality…

This is the formula, I failed to understand…

For it is in this simple truth…he hath created man…

In him, in faith….there is no shame. Leave behind the world, even so, let it perish your thought.

That God may renew and live in your heart.

The true and living God, his testaments, and law will offend the unholy. For the common cannot comprehend the holy, and the Holy must change or destroy the common. Yes, the true and Living God will strike what is unholy...it will be erased from creation, it's very essence will be eradicated.

I have found that Meekness, is a commodity; in today's world. Righteousness, is only given to the Godly; those who are reprobate will die in their sin; they will die in their sin...and blame The Lord for their destruction. Wherein, even, in death...such souls as they, will still succumb to wrath. For where so ever as many lies in life had been told, so will their own deserved mantle be their punishment for eternity.

When you live your life for the sake of attaining your own wisdom, gratification, and success...you have ultimately failed. True success comes from God, a simple thanks and praise is not nearly enough. To live right, is not nearly enough...yet, in the moments of your greatest silence, when you think you have gleamed peace; you have only wrought more confusion, and room for loss.

That which is synonymous with Destruction is of the devil, that which is synonymous with Righteousness is of God. The equation is simple, the process of understanding the formula, however; is not.

We follow Jesus, therefore, it is only just that you should seek to persecute and harm us.

Joan of Arc, was a prophet; not a witch.

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” “No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?” Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me. If you had really known me, you would know who my Father is. From now on, you do know him and have seen him!” Philip said, “Lord, show us the Father, and we will be satisfied.” Jesus replied, “Have I been with you all this time, Philip, and yet you still don’t know who I am? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father! So why are you asking me to show him to you? Don’t you believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me? The words I speak are not my own, but my Father who lives in me does his work through me. Just believe that I am in the Father and the Father is in me. Or at least believe because of the work you have seen me do. “I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it! “If you love me, obey my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you. No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live. When I am raised to life again, you will know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me. And because they love me, my Father will love them. And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them.” Judas (not Judas Iscariot, but the other disciple with that name) said to him, “Lord, why are you going to reveal yourself only to us and not to the world at large?” Jesus replied, “All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them. Anyone who doesn’t love me will not obey me. And remember, my words are not my own. What I am telling you is from the Father who sent me. I am telling you these things now while I am still with you. But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you. “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really loved me, you would be happy that I am going to the Father, who is greater than I am. I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do happen, you will believe. “I don’t have much more time to talk to you, because the ruler of this world approaches. He has no power over me, but I will do what the Father requires of me, so that the world will know that I love the Father. Come, let’s be going. John 14:1‭-‬31 NLT

#that's some heavy stuff Doc #why is everything heavy marty?

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