So I finally got the feedback, for my competition submission. Now what the reviewer of my submission couldn't have know is that I wrote in the same style as my fantasy series and used the same characters. My brief 2000 word story was a half formed idea I'd had a long time ago but cut out of the main narrative and forgot about. Two years later, I wrote it out for the express purpose of this competition.
Though I didn't do as well as I'd have hoped in the competition the feedback is glowing so... Without further ado I present the feedback for "The Monarch of Want"
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EDINBURGH SHORT STORY AWARDS - FEEDBACK
The Monarch of Want is a dark fantasy short story that is rich in immersive detail and creativity. The story begins with action – a castle siege with Lorcan, a highly skilled warrior, centre stage. He fiercely and brutally fights through the castle and eventually ends with beheading the enemies on his commander, Fiachra’s, orders.
Fantasy writing needs to be visceral, and this story certainly excels at that, with thrilling medieval action, chaos and atmosphere. The sensory details of the battle are fantastic, with phrases like ‘flickering sparks of brilliant lightning, ' and ‘downpour rattled off his crumpled barbute helm,’ adding to the hard-hitting scenes. I could picture the fighting scenes and the gruesome results of the blows. Loran’s character drew me in, and I was keen to learn more about his internal struggles. He immediately struck me as a complex character, and the story expertly blurs the lines of reality for him, causing the reader to question his mental state as well as the actual world he is in. The dynamic between Lorcan and Commander Fiachra is at the heart of the story, with Fiachra being the cold, demanding ‘rágfénnid’ who ‘smiled warmly’ at the gruesome trophies. This is conveyed really well. I feel the title ‘The Monarch of Want’ is a good choice as it likely alludes to Fiachra's insatiable desires and Lorcan as his tool to help feed them.
Although the action was intense, I didn’t quite feel the same intensity in the dialogue or the inner thoughts. The action is very descriptive, yet the dialogue and internal parts seem short, snappy and even abrupt. I would consider expanding on those parts slightly. I also struggled a little with the terms used throughout the text, for example, ‘fennids,’ ‘Waullen,’ ‘Pirkish knight,’ ‘rígfénnid,’ and ‘fian’. This adds to the mysterious feel and the worldbuilding, but it also becomes a little confusing without clean context. Some brief explanation of the terms sprinkled in would have helped this.
The pacing of this story is good in that the action is fast and engaging. I would consider refining some of the detailed fight descriptions, as some are overly complex and could be jarring for the reader. Slowing the pace in places to help with clarity, worldbuilding, and character development could improve the story further. If fight scenes are overdone, they risk losing their shock factor.
The Monarch of Want is a compelling and evocative story that does a fantastic job of portraying the psychological toll that violent medieval combat takes on its protagonist. The combination of intense action, depressing stormy weather, and subtle hints of the paranormal produces an intense and unforgettable reading experience. The adjustments I have suggested are to improve a well-crafted story further. The main weakness was the use of excessive descriptions, actions, and world-based terms without context and nuances to flesh them out. If this is streamlined slightly, it will be better balanced and even more satisfying to read.
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So what are my thoughts on the feedback? First and foremost, 2000 words is half a chapter. Having to choose between spoon feeding the reader and leaving something open to interpretation at the risk of confusion... Well it's not easy. Did I do it right? I would say yes largely because the reviewer clearly understood the meaning of various terms. For example the ties Fiachra to the story's title despite him only being referred to as commander and rígfénnid. That wouldn't really be possible without there being enough context to understand. It was certainly at risk though. Mercifully, a limited word count isn't something I worry about in my own novels.
Then of course there's the complex fight scenes. I must again concede that perhaps they are right, maybe writing accurate swordsmanship isn't always what should be done. It certainly wouldn't make for good genre fiction. Yet I know I'll never change. I might never win a writing competition with accurate swordsmanship, the language convention and terms are unusual if read for the first time. I simply will not compromise on it, I can only continue to practice and improve.
In any case I am pleased beyond measure with the feedback. There are certainly lessons to consider.
I am dying to know what stories made it onto the shortlist and what story ultimately won. If memory serves the anthology will be released in November with the short list stories published. Unless I hear otherwise we shall just have to wait together.
