Backne, ass sweat, adult circumcision, oh my!
I'll just get right into it. This guy, we'll call him Mike, had liked me for about two years. He's a friend of friends and always tried but I was never interested. You know, just because there was something a little lame about him. So fast forward 2 years of ignoring him and we're at my friend house party for Halloween. I'm taking shots called blue smurfs, so right then it should have been known that poor decision making was just around the corner. Mike comes over to me and after a few more blue smurf shots he's looking pretty damn good. Naturally I end up I'm his bed. I honestly can't remember the sex that night, but I'm almost 100% sure that we were so blacked out that we passed out immediately. Morning comes and we are sober enough to make up for lost time from the night before. We kind of give the awkward 'good morning' while laying next to each other. After what seems like an hour of high school making out, I say to him, 'So do you want to have sex or not.' He avoids eye contact and mutters yeah I do. We sit there for what seems like 2 very long minutes. I turn over to him exasperated, 'so are you going to get a condom??' He scampers out of bed like an idiot to get one from his secret hiding place in his closet. I remember when I hid condoms in the back of my closet... Finally he's on top of me attempting missionary position. The only position I'm sure he knows. I kid you not he spends about 5 minutes trying to jam his limp chode D into my V. Literally thing was a cube. At this point I'm just watching him dumbfounded by his stupidity. I mean really, if it looks like jello, it's not going in. A 6th grader knows that! Frustrated, I put on my kindergarten teacher voice, 'do you want me to go on top (you fucking idiot)?' He shakes his head yes. So I give him a quick 5th grade hand job and get on top. As I'm riding him I'm looking around. I think I see cough medicine on his nightstand so I ask him if he's sick. Aka is this kid with a shitty dick and no game getting me sick on top of this nightmare? He responds, 'No, that's my backne medication.' His dick is literally in my vag and he is telling me that his back has severe acne and he is on medication. wtf gross. So I trudge on, still on top, because he is useless. Finally he finishes. Thank God it's over. Needless to say I didn't finish. I actually reverse cummed if that's a thing. So I turn over and ask him if he was wants to shower because I definitely am in no mood to linger and cuddle. Mike says in his awkward stammer, 'shower? Uh yeah I have two, there is one down the hall you can use.' I explained in my kindergarten voice that I meant shower together. He says that the showers are too small to share. Fine. I didn't want to shower with him anyway I was just being polite. So we get out of bed, and I look at the sheets to find a large wet spot. I think to myself, 'did I miraculously cum and not know it?!' I turn to mike, then I point to the wet spot. 'Did I do that?' Mike turns to me with an expressionless face, 'no, that's my ass sweat.' So let me get this straight, you still hide your condoms like you're 13, you are medicated for backne, and you have ass sweat. On that note, I'm leaving immediately. Wait, it gets better. After I told all of our mutual friends about the worst sex I've had to date, I was filled in with a little factoid. Fast forward about three month and I'm at some bar in the city center with all of those friends. Mutual friend comes up to me and says, 'remember that terrible sex you had with Mike.' I'm thinking, how could I forget that atrocious night. She tells me she knows why it was so terrible. I find out at a bar over a vodka soda on a Saturday night, that Mike had an adult circumcision like 3 days before we boned! He had doctor's orders to keep his tiny dick locked up for at least two weeks after the snipping. Who the fuck gets an adult circumcision? Just terrible.