Egg Pawn Adventures!

[eggpawn]

Beneath the skin, we are all ready.

The Satanic Bread made the robot uneasy. From what little experience the Egg Pawn had with stocking bread for his boss’ Egg Sandwiches, none of the loafs he had encountered were sentient and capable of speech. Nor did they have eyes!

The Bread’s words both confused and bewildered the metallic loafer. Beneath his vermilion “skin”, the only thing “ready” were several hundreds of circuits ready to signal this foot soldier sprinting in the opposite direction away from the Bread’s grainy gaze!

[eggpawn]

Do you have like this hose thing where oil comes out like a pee pee like an oil pee pee?

"…"

The robot could not comprehend these inquisitions, resulting in a subsequent freezing of its cognitive functions. Essentially, its robotic brain was undergoing a “Blue Screen of Death.”

[eggpawn]

Do you pee oil?

"…"

[eggpawn]

OH SNAP SON

The robot, just now realizing that he'd effectively been playing hookey for the past seven months, decided it would probably be a good idea to check in with his master before he got in even MORE trouble than he was already going to. So, in a state of panic, he bypassed his internal Robotnik Corp. e-mailing directory and sent a message to the first obese moustachoied man in red he could see on his display.

"HEY BOSS,

HEY THERE BOSS!! THIS IS BOSS, RIGHT? YOU LOOK LIKE BOSS. WHATEVER. UHHHH. YEAH! I'M SORRY FOR GOING OFF THE GRID FOR SO LONG. UHHH. I'VE BEEN ON A TOP SECRET... ESPIONAGE MISSION! YEAH, THAT'S IT. WITH THE DEATH EGG! YEAH! CUBOT SAID HE'D DO MAINTENANCE ON THE CRYPTIC CASTLE BASE IN MY ABSENCE. HE PROMISED!! MOST DEFINITELY  A THING. THAT HE SAID. BUT YEAH, I'VE MADE SOME REAL PROGRESS, TOTALLY! A LOT OF IT. PROGRESS. YES. I'M GONNA SMASH THAT HEDGEHOG GOOD WHEN THIS IS ALL DONE AND OVER WITH, BOSS!! AND WHEN I DO, CAN I FINALLY GET ONE OF THOSE COOL HATS THOSE ELITE PAWNS GET TO WEAR? THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. I LOVE HATS.

SO UHH, WE'RE COOL RIGHT? NO PROBLEM WHATSOEVER? NOT EVEN IN A REMOTE BIT OF TROUBLE? FOOTSOLDIER OF THE YEAR MAYBE?

YOUR MOST BESTEST BADNIK, PLEASE KEEP METAL SONIC AWAY FROM ME, EP-GC2003"

[eggpawn]

THE PAINT HAS FINALLY DRIED. ROBOTNIK CORP HAS SOME QUALITY PAINT.

"WELL, THAT WAS BORING."

[eggpawn]

The Egg Pawn's contact list experienced a rather unusual status update!

"Orbot is online."

Granted, the Egg Pawn never noticed that his colleague ever went offline to begin with, but his history confirmed that he hadn't been around for quite some time. So, to welcome his red rotund robot friend back to the line of duty, he figured he'd send him an e-mail! It's not like he had anything better to do, anyways!

"Dear Orbot,

Hey there, Orbot! Long time no see! Remember that one time when we were stationed in the Egg Planet Park? I got to wear a moustache! Good times, good times!

So yeah! How's it been, huh?! Do anything fun and exciting with the big Boss as of late?! Your specs changed! Did you get bigger? Did you steal any of those weird mushrooms from that guy with the red cap when we were in London?! DID YOU KNOW THAT THE DEATH EGG CAN TALK?!

Sincerely,

EP-GC2003"

[eggpawn]

With the television no longer in the picture, the Egg Pawn had to find alternative means of entertainment.

[eggpawn]

[eggpawn]

"Wesley doesn’t like me…"

[doceggman]

"You should kill him."

[eggpawn]

"But, creator, terminating someone's life over a measly little altercation such as this? That hardly seems reasonable, legal, or even remotely ethical. A true gentleman of refined values resolves issues not with their fists, but with their words. Any and all problems can be resolved with a civilized and sensible conversation, via the exchanging of ideals and life experiences, to reach a mutually beneficial conclusion that leaves both parties in a state of dual enrichment.

This, and most certainly not violence, is how to resolve any conflicts of values that you confront, and it is how I choose to live my daily life. I can only hope that you, my noble master, can strive to reach this standard that I chose long ago."

PZZZZZZZT

"Oh, sorry about that! I was watching Death Egg's TV! Yeah, that sounds like a great idea, Boss!"

[eggpawn]

"Wesley doesn't like me..."

[tyrantofmobius]

Oh this is too good.

The hedgehog is coming unglued! 

Oh, oh, I suggest you run, Echidna, or you might be next! 

[doceggman]

[thedeathegg-deactivated20160210]

[eggpawn]

WHY ARE WE LAUGHING

[eggpawn]

[eggpawn]

Julian bent over to look at the small robot. "I do not remember building anything like you before."

THE PAWN JUST COULDN’T GET A BREAK

The robot’s LED-ridden eyes darted around nervously as he was looked over by the dimly-lit massive megalomaniac man inspecting him. What was Boss doing?! Didn’t he have other duties to attend to?! What was he talking about?! Did he find out that I was ditching duty?! His mind raced as he tried to come to an answer.

In the meantime, shaking in his feet and trying his best to look productive and totally not suspicious was the best that he could do.

[eggpawn]

TARGETS LOCKED ON EGG PAWN.

"SOMETHING WENT WRONG."

[eggpawn]

THE PAWN MAY BE AN IDIOT, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE’S AN IDIOT.

The robot couldn’t convey anything through speech, but he did still have one means of communication! The Robotnik Corporate e-mail!

"Dear Death Egg,

Hey, there! It’s me! EP-GC2003! I’m in the dumpster! Right in front of you! Long time no see! I was stationed in you once! Okay, that was weird. So anyways! I called you! By accident! That was not an intentional thing! Who let Cubot in charge of the support menu? Anyways, now that you’re here, you might as well help me out! You see, I was uh, diligently doing espionage on Sonic, and totally not goofing off my duties at the Cryptic Castle base or anything, and they all threw me in this dumpster! Or something! I dunno, I was kinda knocked out.

Point is, can I get a lift? Can you help a brother out? I mean, we’re technically not brothers. Not even in the same model line, even. Heck, you were designed forever ago. You’re old enough to be my great grand pappy. DIdn’t you blow up, though? Like, twice? You’re a real trooper. A hero to us all. Okay, now please tractor beam up this dumpster and I’ll scratch your back too or something. If you had a back. Or itches. Which we don’t. Because we’re robots.

Love and cookies,

EP-GC2003"

Sent!

[thedeathegg-deactivated20160210]

*The Death Egg takes a few moments before realizing that his email has updated, since it has been forever since he’s actually checked the thing. It took him a few more moments before he realized that this time it wasn’t more spam from all of those web scams he’d accidentally signed up for. He also was disappointed that he still hadn’t heard back from that Mazurian prince who needed money.

Nonetheless, after reading through the email, he felt sympathetic for the little Egg Pawn.*

OH, SURE, NO FUCKING PROBLEM. NONE AT ALL. GLAD TO HELP A BROTHER OUT. LEMME JUST USE THIS TRACTOR BEAM…

*He rotated himself back up so he could be in the position to bring the Egg Pawn and dumpster alike aboard himself. Unfortunately, it had been a really, really long time since he used the tractor beam, before the first crash in fact, so it came to no surprise to himself when instead of using the tractor beam, he accidentally managed to shut down one of his anti-gravitational engines, and nearly crashed into a building below. Luckily however, he managed to catch his error, and stopped himself before he did.*

YEAH, UH, GIMME A FUCKING SECOND. HOLD ON…

*It’d been so long since he’d used the feature that the data path it was in must’ve been deleted or moved, because for the artificial life of himself he couldn’t find the right way to execute the task. After launching missiles, firing a beam and almost destroying and airliner, and nearly jettisoning his core, he managed to finally input the right sequence to allow the tractor beam to begin the transport of the objects and robot below to within himself. A door on the bottom of the space station slid itself open, and a light blue beam beckoned the Egg Pawn and his current seating up into it.*

[eggpawn]

The Egg Pawn found himself quite at home in the leisurely confines of his gargantuan robotic relative. He hadn't been up there in ages! The comforting visuals of the dilapidated machinery and the skidmark-ridden flooring made him feel all giddy with nostalgia. He sent his compadre another e-mail to thank him for his hospitality.

"Dearest Death Egg,

I WILL! THANKS!

Sincerely, EP-GC2003"

"Yay! Within the safety of the Death Egg, nothing could possibly go wrong!"

[eggpawn]

THE PAWN MAY BE AN IDIOT, BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE’S AN IDIOT.

The robot couldn’t convey anything through speech, but he did still have one means of communication! The Robotnik Corporate e-mail!

"Dear Death Egg,

Hey, there! It’s me! EP-GC2003! I’m in the dumpster! Right in front of you! Long time no see! I was stationed in you once! Okay, that was weird. So anyways! I called you! By accident! That was not an intentional thing! Who let Cubot in charge of the support menu? Anyways, now that you’re here, you might as well help me out! You see, I was uh, diligently doing espionage on Sonic, and totally not goofing off my duties at the Cryptic Castle base or anything, and they all threw me in this dumpster! Or something! I dunno, I was kinda knocked out.

Point is, can I get a lift? Can you help a brother out? I mean, we’re technically not brothers. Not even in the same model line, even. Heck, you were designed forever ago. You’re old enough to be my great grand pappy. DIdn’t you blow up, though? Like, twice? You’re a real trooper. A hero to us all. Okay, now please tractor beam up this dumpster and I’ll scratch your back too or something. If you had a back. Or itches. Which we don’t. Because we’re robots.

Love and cookies,

EP-GC2003"

Sent!

[thedeathegg-deactivated20160210]

*The Death Egg takes a few moments before realizing that his email has updated, since it has been forever since he’s actually checked the thing. It took him a few more moments before he realized that this time it wasn’t more spam from all of those web scams he’d accidentally signed up for. He also was disappointed that he still hadn’t heard back from that Mazurian prince who needed money.

Nonetheless, after reading through the email, he felt sympathetic for the little Egg Pawn.*

OH, SURE, NO FUCKING PROBLEM. NONE AT ALL. GLAD TO HELP A BROTHER OUT. LEMME JUST USE THIS TRACTOR BEAM…

*He rotated himself back up so he could be in the position to bring the Egg Pawn and dumpster alike aboard himself. Unfortunately, it had been a really, really long time since he used the tractor beam, before the first crash in fact, so it came to no surprise to himself when instead of using the tractor beam, he accidentally managed to shut down one of his anti-gravitational engines, and nearly crashed into a building below. Luckily however, he managed to catch his error, and stopped himself before he did.*

YEAH, UH, GIMME A FUCKING SECOND. HOLD ON…

*It’d been so long since he’d used the feature that the data path it was in must’ve been deleted or moved, because for the artificial life of himself he couldn’t find the right way to execute the task. After launching missiles, firing a beam and almost destroying and airliner, and nearly jettisoning his core, he managed to finally input the right sequence to allow the tractor beam to begin the transport of the objects and robot below to within himself. A door on the bottom of the space station slid itself open, and a light blue beam beckoned the Egg Pawn and his current seating up into it.*

[eggpawn]

The Egg Pawn totally digged his first class ticket to a classy ride aboard the historically rich Death Egg: The world's second ever space station to be shaped like a Robotnik family member's head! What a thrill. As he enjoyed his beautiful view of the Station Square cityscape on his tractor beam upwards, he composed another e-mail to the big guy up above.

"Dear Death Egg,

Yay! Thanks Death Egg! You're the best!

Okay, so uhhh, I'm kinda trying to hang low right now. I kinda ditched du-I MEAN I'M BEING HUNTED. BY UHHH. OMEGA! Yeah, totally. That's it. So can I crash at your place a little bit? I don't take up much space! And uhhh. I owe ya! I'll help ya do a thing! Got any upcoming plans that could benefit from a robotic cohort that can stand on the ground without setting Earth outside of orbit?

Thanks, bro!

Egg Pawn"

[eggpawn]

THE PAWN MAY BE AN IDIOT, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S AN IDIOT.

The robot couldn't convey anything through speech, but he did still have one means of communication! The Robotnik Corporate e-mail!

"Dear Death Egg,

Hey, there! It's me! EP-GC2003! I'm in the dumpster! Right in front of you! Long time no see! I was stationed in you once! Okay, that was weird. So anyways! I called you! By accident! That was not an intentional thing! Who let Cubot in charge of the support menu? Anyways, now that you're here, you might as well help me out! You see, I was uh, diligently doing espionage on Sonic, and totally not goofing off my duties at the Cryptic Castle base or anything, and they all threw me in this dumpster! Or something! I dunno, I was kinda knocked out.

Point is, can I get a lift? Can you help a brother out? I mean, we're technically not brothers. Not even in the same model line, even. Heck, you were designed forever ago. You're old enough to be my great grand pappy. DIdn't you blow up, though? Like, twice? You're a real trooper. A hero to us all. Okay, now please tractor beam up this dumpster and I'll scratch your back too or something. If you had a back. Or itches. Which we don't. Because we're robots.

Love and cookies,

EP-GC2003"

Sent!