(tw: suicidal thoughts, depression, heart attack, etc)
Sometimes I wish I was never born. Other times, I wish that nobody ever loved me or cared about me. I know I am gifted to have people in my life that genuinely want me around and I am so fucking grateful for those people. I have a perfect mother, perfect father, and perfect siblings. My friends are the best.
However, I’m not. I’m broken. I have medical conditions that are killing me. I’m not yet diagnosed as terminal, but I have almost died multiple times due to my condition. And at this point, again, they are lost as to what to do with me. I’m defective. I wasn’t born in a body meant to live. I had that right stripped from me due to /whatever/ this fucking thing is. The label changes as much as I change my clothes.
All I do is worry my family and friends. My family has to sit there and perform CPR on their child, crying their eyes out trying to get their son breathing again. They have to watch their child scream in utter pain, going through heart-attack esque symptoms as he has a seizure. They have to listen to their child begging for it to end and then see the light fade out of their child as he almost dies in their arms, time and time again.
And yet it’s a miracle that I have made it this far. I have fought since I was 12. I am 19 now - turning 20 in a few months.
I am happy that I have made it this far. But slowly, part of me dies time and time again as I am constantly being put into the ICU and they have to watch their child; time and time again receive bruises, new medications, side effects, and mood changes. They have to watch their child battle a fight that he shouldn’t ever have to battle. They have to watch as their child receives more and more brain damage due to each encroaching seizure, to watch the medication that saves my life also damage me in other aspects. It saves my life but in the long run it also is decreasing my life expectancy.
And seeing their hearts being continuously broken time and time again as they weep in private - over their son now being sent off to a prestigious hospital of the state to find out whether he has a terminal illness; it’s hard to watch.
As that child, I know I am fighting a battle that is scary. People can’t imagine what I am going through having to fight this. But honestly? I worry more for the people around me having to care about me and watch me fight. I hate that I mean so much to people, because if I didn’t; if I died, nobody would be hurt. But I can’t die - even if it boils down to a terminal illness. I can’t watch my family being heartbroken over this because it tears me apart limb by limb to see the thoughts running through their heads.To know that they are potentially planning funeral arrangements as my health rapidly declines.
To have their own son sit there, almost dying in their arms over and over again. My mom had a heart attack in my arms last july. I still haven’t recovered from my shock and I have constant nightmares.
I can’t even bare to hear a single bang or noise from her room without thinking of the worst. I rush to my feet to check on her because my worst thought is oh shit, she’s relapsing.
But they sit here, day after day holding me in their arms and worrying for the worst. They sit here and watch their child, day after day, go through the symptoms of an event that - from their perspective - messed me up for the rest of my life. Seeing my mother stop responding. Seeing her stop breathing. Seeing the light fade out of her eyes. Fighting to keep her conscious, even if it meant beating her corpse into responding. That day changed my life forever.
And yet my parents sit here and experience that pure HELL over and over again every single day. I can’t imagine. I see it from my own perspective, but at this point it’s become second nature. This is how life is for me - being in constant pain and surviving to survive.
I wish I could just find a way to make everyone forget about me, and let the undertow sweep me out to sea so I can pass peacefully knowing that I won’t hurt anyone by giving in. But I can’t, so I fight to make sure they won’t cry or suffer over me giving in - even if it’s harder in the end.
