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allthingswhumpyandangsty

ciricearts

happy sunday everyoneee

I didn’t watch qsmp1 but I’ve been watching some clips to fill the time

What do you mean mpreg is canon

What do you mean Tubbo got impregnated by an ender alien

What the fuck was happening on qsmp1

#qsmp 1 #what the fuck guys #mpreg #q!tubbo

writingdose

HE TOLD GRAF TO GO FULL SPEED BECAUSE HE WAS MISSING HIS BOYFRIEND ASHSWAG

#ashwron canon at the Qsmp court #we stay winning #I can’t believe he said that #ashwron #ashswag #ewron #qsmp 2

papayafromtv

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 35 (masterpost here)

*strong air whooshing*

Dick: *whoop* alllriiiight, i see you guys! comin' down!

Tim, grumbling: 'bout time.

*faint metal snips*

Dick: yeah yeah, i'll never be good enough for you, *grunt* *impact against concrete* okay, so.......

*silence*

Dick, intensely baffled: .......what the everloving fuck're you two doing?

Damian, impatient: *faint metal snipping* what does it look like?

Tim: we figured it would just be quicker to do it here while waiting rather than have to stay up later after patrol and do it then.

*silence* *metal snipping*

Dick: Damian. what the fuck.

*absence of snips*

Damian: *sigh* what?

*silence for 3 seconds*

Damian: you're ridiculous. *snipping resumes*

Tim: he's been cutting my hair since like. he first came to Gotham, Dick. how are you this surprised?

Damian: stop moving your head.

Tim: sorry.

Dick, awestruck: you mean this is a regular thing between you two?! HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN START?

Tim: i dunno... my hair was really long. he wanted to apologise for trying to kill me. as it turns out he can cut hair really well. it just kinda... happened. cheaper i guess.

Damian: *over metal snipping* yeah 'cause you never would have been able to afford it.

Tim: oi.

Dick: you can't- you can't seriously tell me Damian's been giving out patrol haircuts for the past few years and I've never heard of it before,

Damian: don't be ridiculous.

Tim: yeah, we've only had the free time to do it on patrol like, four times. usually we just do it in his room.

Dick: what the fu- YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU'VE BEEN GETTING COMPLIMENTS ON YOUR BARBER FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS AND IT'S BEEN BECAUSE OF THIS? HOW DOES DAMIAN KNOW HOW TO CUT HAIR THIS GOOD?!?!

Damian: what, you think akhi learnt how to style that ridiculous post-lazarus haircut all by himself? when he first came out of the pit he was mostly catatonic; i was the only person actually bothering to take care of him like a person.

Dick: ....you're telling me you learnt how to style peoples hair because you were using newly-resurrected Jason as your male barbie?

*silence*

Damian, decisively: yes.

Tim: it's called a ken, you mollusc.

*silence*

*even more silence*

Damian: ok, Drake, give me your phone so i can take a video; see if you're happy with this.

Dick: i'm going to lose my fucking mind-

papayafromtv

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 50 (masterpost here)

*breathless wheezing, barely audible gasps of breath and weeping noises*

Tim, audibly smiling and holding back laughter: dude... come on- it's not that funny,

*more gasping wheezes*

Tim, laughing slightly himself: it's not!

*silent cackles*

*connecting ping*

Dick: yo, you guys wanna get burgers?

*weeping and gasping for breath*

Dick: *hesitant* what... the fuck are you laughing at?

Jason: *high-pitched breath inhales* aha- uh- *sniff* Red- Red Robin fell down a- a manhole, into the sewer.

Dick: *snort* he fell?

Tim, begrudging: that's not why he's laughing. the part of the sewer i'm in is disconnected from the rest of the system; like it's all walled up. so i fell into a five feet wide stone room, essentially.

Jason: *struggling to breathe* and there's- there's no ladder,

Dick, baffled but amused: so? just grapple out.

Jason: *wheezes*

Tim: yeah.. i wasn't wearing my grapple when i fell, the attachment came off during a fight earlier.

Jason: *high-pitched* he can't get out the fucking hole- he's stuck,

Dick, starting to laugh: ...wait are you serious?

Tim: yes- *amused* Jason, shut up. i've been stuck here for twenty-five minutes because you can't control yourself long enough to help me out!

Jason: *wheezes*

Dick, in awe: ho, ly, shit. Jay, send me your location so i can see this,

Jason: *high-pitched hum of agreement*

Tim, mumbling: y'guysre' dicks,

Jason: i can't- i can't do this-!

Tim: you know honestly, this makes me think a lot about those asshole metas and superheroes that find out about how we have no special powers and get all dismissive of us because 'we're just people, we can't handle this kind of life'.

Tim: and this does make me wonder if they have a point.

Jason: *collapses into laughter again*

Dick: you have- *holding back laughter* you have just fallen into a hole. and now you cannot leave. like this is the end of you, you're beaten. you've been vanquished by an accidental cartoon trap.

Tim: if any of you tell Damian about this i'm killing myself.

Jason, still about six octaves higher than usual: can i- can i tell Ra's about it?

*a few beats*

Tim, despondent: sure.

Tim: but tell him the hole was deeper than this.

Jason, wet and shaky: yeah man i got you.

ciricearts

ohh so scaryyy!!

papayafromtv

genuinely the funniest thing ra’s ever did was let talia keep jason. like what do you fucking mean his daughter found a dead 15yr old and supersized him into oblivion and then just gave him full access to the league’s compound. ra’s must have been watching this poor barely-pubescent kid trip over his new body-builder legs just fucking. squinty-eyed mouth open, absolutely fascinated with jason’s existence. jason was ra’s version of reality tv over there, he genuinely had no idea what the kid would do next and it was amazing.

"…is your daughter’s new pet project bothering you, my lord? would you like me to dispatch of him swiftly? you are staring at him rather intently."

"actually… call ducra. see if she’ll give him those magic swords."

*jason in the distance, trips over his own feet and faceplants the stone steps*

"what."

"look even you have to admit that seeing what he’d do with them would be interesting. i’ve been in the desert for 600 fucking years oleg, i’m bored."

“so what’s new with jason?”

“…he seems to have finally taken to his new body, and is throwing himself into training.”

“…:/“

“…we also have word that he might be starting a coup against his poison tutor.”

“magnificent.”

“…my lord… if you don’t mind me asking… why are you crouching in front of those doors?”

“shhhhh, i left gotham newspapers on jason’s nightstand and i wanna see what he does when he realises the detective adopted another kid.”

*distant sobs of rage* *crashes and screams*

“ok now somebody go in there and tell him the joker’s still alive. i’ll wait out here where it’s safe.”

“…”

papayafromtv

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 51 (masterpost here) *faint whooshing of air*

Dick: -was arguing with B for like three hours. he's genuinely trying to crack down on- *panicked yelp* *grunt* -whoooooly shit that was close, i almost swung straight into that stop sign.

Jason: you have got to stop drinking and swinging.

Dick: you're the one that dared me to shotgun it! it's fine, it's a bank holiday tomorrow. nobody ever does shit before a bank holiday; like they think they deserve a break from committing crimes as well.

Jason: tell me about it, i got so bored on my patrol route i've stopped and i'm now painting the outside of this lady's house for her. do you think you'll take some drinks on the stakeout?

Dick: *considering hum* depends on if i win my argument with B and get to take Dami with me. he's really trying to put a stop to unneeded team ups on stakeouts, it's insane.

Jason: he's such a coward, like he wants us to get along and spend time with each other, but once we're suited up? nooooooo~,

Dick: *annoyed mimic* 'taking more than one person to go sit in a room and watch for information is a waste of assets that we cannot afford right now' -one of us needs to take one for the team and get horrifically injured while on a solo stakeout so that he has to eat his words and admit we shouldn't do them alone.

Jason: i blame Tim. i fully blame Tim, because two weeks ago he took Steph, Kon, and that Flash-kid all on a 'stakeout' to watch for drug exchanges during some party. 50 minutes in and they got bored, started playing truth or dare, and Tim ended up just going and joining the fucking rager.

Dick, snickering: fuck, yeah Damian told me about that over the phone, what the fuck were they thinking? he's still grounded from that, isn't he?

Jason: i dunno but now they've ruined it for the rest of us because now B is cracking down- oh. oh hold on,

*faint mumbles from Jason's com*

Jason: No, no, no te preocupes, estoy bien, no necesito limonada. Estoy usando un casco, no funcionaría.

*more mumbles*

Jason: *chuckle* Gracias, gracias. -ok i'm back.

Dick: who the fuck drinks lemonade at half twelve at night? actually- who the fuck asks for their house to be painted at half twelve at night?

Jason: to be fair to her she's like, seventy and nocturnal. also she just wants the whole building to be white, it's kind of hard to fuck up regardless of the light levels. and the helmet has night vision.

Dick: *grunt of acceptance*

Jason: so do you think you'll get B to let Dami join you on that stakeout?

Dick: if he says no i'll just sneak him out to me anyway; i miss the kid, we haven't hung out in a while.

Jason: *hum*

Jason: also, Damian on a stakeout is, like, my favourite thing to experience in the entire fucking world. he is genuinely the funniest child i've ever met.

Dick: *abrupt excitement* rIGHT?!?! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS TO HIM THAT HE JUST BECOMES A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON?!

Jason: oh my- no, D, you don't even know. I've literally had conversations with Talia where we've drained entire bottles of wine discussing the science behind this, it's insane.

Dick: he is just... a creature. and i love him.

Jason: my theory is that because he's so obsessive about being productive and busy at all times, that the only occasions where his brain will let him, like... chill the fuck out and just sit, is when he's on a stakeout or something. because in his brain it's like 'well this is still vigilante work, so you have to do nothing for a while'. and then he instantly transforms into my favourite person on the planet.

Dick: what gets me- what makes me laugh is the snacks. have you seen the shit he makes himself when he's locked in on a stakeout for hours on end?

Jason: seen? motherfucker i'm the one who taught him to cook, may i remind you,

Dick: *laughs* ok so- so can you- can you tell me what's up with the custard thing...?

*pause*

Jason: *dramatic, long sigh*

Dick: *cackles* WHAT- WHAT WAS THAT?

Jason: i'm just-! *breathy laughter* no i'm just- i'm just preparing myself, because the custard thing- fucking hell,

Dick: ok so you do know what i'm talking about then?

Jason: *resigned* yeah,

Dick, amused and expectant: go on then.

Jason, resigned and hesitant: well... it was something cheap i could make easily when i was a kid, right? because it's literally just a couple dollars for a massive tub of powder and then you just mix a little of it with milk and sugar and bam, a whole meal-!

Dick, incredulous: -OF PLAIN CUSTARD?

Jaosn: FUCK OFF MY MOM WAS AN ADDICT. anyway, when i got to the league i realised that Day was like, the main heir of the league and therefor his entire existence was just about training; the kid got fed nutrition bricks and the occasional slab of meat, that was it. so when i became heir and like, usurped Damian's position, i told everybody that since he wasn't the firstborn anymore that they could all fuck off with their shitty child rearing and start treating him like a person,

Dick: -yeah didn't he mention he used to sleep in a cell before you came along?

Jason: yeah he fucking- i changed all that shit. made them give him a bedroom, cut down on his classes, started sneaking him out of the compound to spend the evenings with me and my crew in Nanda Parbat; and then i started getting him to try new foods and shit, cookin' for 'im.

Dick: and you made him *snort* -sorry, and you made him custard?

Jason: fuck off, ok? he wanted to help me cook and i figured just stirring a pot 24/7 until the goop thickened was as easy enough job. so it was the first thing i taught him to cook and i guess it stuck with him. he says the smell of it's nostalgic now, like a comfort food.

Dick: ...i guess that is kinda sweet.

Jason: yeah but now it's like, the first thing he starts craving the second he wants to relax or chill out for a bit. like i remember the first time i did a stakeout with him in Gotham we were planning for it and i was like 'ok this is gonna be at least eight hours so i need to grab some cigs; i need me some vices to stop from getting bored' y'know? and fucking Damian just hums in agreement and then goes 'agreed, i'll have to bring a portable gas cooker', and i'm like what the fuck are you-

Dick: *audible gleeful* HE- HE, THE FIRST TIME I DID A STAKEOUT WITH HIM- the first time i did a stakeout with him i didn't see what he'd packed for it until we got there, so i didn't know what the fuck was going on until an hour in when i brought out a pack of jelly babies and asked if he wanted a snack, and he went 'oh i'll make my own' and pROCEEDS TO SET UP AN ENTIRE FUCKING CAMP KITCHEN-

Jason: *starts laughing, slowly increasing in pitch*

Dick: AND I'M THERE-, i'm sat there side-eyeing him while keeping track of our target as he starts filling an entire fucking pot with milk and heating it up, just thinking like, 'shit i can't question him about this; what if this is like, a part of his culture or something-?'

Jason: *hand clapping* a part of his culture,

Dick: LIKE WHAT IF THIS IS AN ARAB THING AND HE THINKS I'M MOCKING IT?! I DON'T FUCKIN' KNOW,

Jason: and he- the worst part is that he will literally make like, five servings in a single fucking batch. like- like the pot is full by the time he's done, and then he'll carry it and one of those big ass adult-spoons over to where he's sat and just proceed to raw dog this entire pan of fuckin' custard; face blank, eyes unfocused, just shovelling it in,

Dick: *weeping*

Jason: *eager* -he took a pot to the movie theatre once.

Dick: *indignant* FUCK. OFF.

Jason: no i'm serious, we did a- *choked snort* we did a stakeout once that got cut short abruptly, because the guy killed himself three hours in, and we'd already blocked out most of the night to be there, so we were like 'ok well shit, what do we do now?' and there was a movie theatre down the street from where we were based, so i was like 'well we could go watch a movie', right?

Dick: *prompting hum*

Jason: and we settle on a movie and i go onto the site to book the tickets online real quick, and i notice this little fucker out the corner of my eye, as he starts nonchalantly getting out his fucking pot,

Dick: *abrupt wheeze*

Jason: and i'm like, don't you- *wheeze* kid don't you fuckin' dare,

Dick: *silent gasps of laughter*

Jason, struggling not to laugh: he looks me dead in the eyes as he brings out the custard powder and says *solemn tone* 'i will need snacks for the movie, brother'. AND I'M FUCKING- i have to be like 'hey, hey Damian? Damian, my sweet sweet boy? NOT THIS.'

Dick: *bursts into a new round of cackles*

Jason: LIKE THAT'S- THAT IS ILLEGAL. YOU CANNOT DO THAT. YOU CANNOT- and this fucking child proceeds to cook himself one of his fucking pans of custard, shoves a spoon in, and then carries it down the street into the movie theatre.

Dick: *while crying* and you- you had to go in with him...?

Jason: i swear to god i showed the ticket guy our tickets, the dude looked at me, looked at Damian with his fucking pot of steaming custard, looked back at me, and i had to be like 'yeah man- i'm not fucking happy about this situation either; like this is also not where i want to be on earth right now, you and i are both victims here, but unfortunately this child does have pepper spray on him right now and i don't think trying to take the pan away would be very productive'.

Dick: -aND THEY LET HIM IN WITH IT?!?!

Jason, sombre: Dick- Dick. you don't understand. he finished the fucking pan before the ads were over.

Dick: HE- *uncontrollable choking wheezes*

Jason: i saw him mentally calculating whether or not he could go and make another pot before the movie started and i had to put my foot down like 'if you dare leave this fucking seat before this movie is finished i will shave your fucking head'.

Dick: *still crying, tone high-pitched* i love stakeout Damian so much...

Jason, voice dry: yeah he's a fuckin' gem.

Dick: *cackle*

papayafromtv

ten year old Tim Drake having a minor phase of liking archeology bcs of his parents so he starts digging shit up in his garden, but because he’s Tim Fucking Drake he does it too well and accidentally unearths one of the tunnels that connects to the fucking batcave.

ten year old Tim Drake who already knew who Batman and Robin were, finding out he now has a secret tunnel in his garden connecting his house to their lair, and he’s just like ‘fuck yeah that’s cool.’ and starts exploring.

thirteen year old Jason Todd bored and fucking around alone in the batcave system when he comes across a fucking ten year old who knows his identity, clearly idolises the hell out of him, and is just kinda wandering around the cave system alone and completely chill about it. they see a super dangerous spider and Tim just starts info-dumping on the species. when asked if he has a curfew to go back home by he goes ‘uh, July i guess? that’s when mom and dad get back.’ it is early February.

thirteen year old Jason Todd who takes a minute and then goes ‘ok this is funny as fuck i promise i won’t snitch to Bruce.’

Jason Todd and Tim Drake being secret cave buddies. Jason Todd and Tim Drake hanging out in the tunnels and making fun of Batman and Nightwing from the shadows. Tim Drake who has to buy a whole new set of night-vision camera lenses for his new photo album that’s just photos and selfies of him and his new best friend Robin fucking around in the underground pitch-dark.

Jason Todd who dies, gets revived, is told by Talia that Tim Drake has ‘replaced him’ unknowing they’re already friends, and Jason who all he can think of is that time they played hide and seek in the cave system and Tim clung to the fucking ceiling via a stalactite for 45 minutes straight. Jason Todd who just looks at Talia and goes ‘yeah sounds about right for him.’

Jason Todd being told he has to deliver Damian to Bruce and he decides ‘absolutely the fuck not’ to the idea of even touching the front door. they have a Ring camera he is not getting caught on that bullshit.

Jason Todd who just goes to Drake Manor and uses Tim’s old entrance to get into the tunnels, his home away from home, dragging Damian along, until he gets to a spot where he can secretly signal into the batcave for Tim to sneak the fuck away.

fifteen year old Tim Drake who gets called into the tunnels to find the Red Hood, unmasked as Jason, presenting to him a random child which he declares to be the son of Batman.

fifteen year old Tim Drake who comes full circle and says ‘ok this is funny as fuck i promise i won’t snitch to Bruce.’

the cave boys are reunited. a third is added to the club. a new photo album is filled. when Tim brings Damian up through the tunnels into the cave he looks Bruce dead in the eyes and says fully straight-faced ‘this is your cave son. i found him wandering, he was born from the shadows of the bat.’

eleven year old Damian Al Ghul-Wayne who’s spent the past three and a half years under Jason Todd’s influence and sombrely declares ‘the cave birthed me for you, father. i am darkness. i am your child.’

Bruce Wayne who genuinely is starting to lose it.

papayafromtv

ok somebody requested this as a fic within an hour of me posting it LMFAOOOOOOOOOO

ciricearts

he found a kitten!!

papayafromtv

realistically the funniest way to get tim and kon together is if kon starts hanging out and spending a lot of nights at the manor just bcs he doesn’t yet have the greatest relationship with clark and finds it more peaceful away from home, until eventually he’s joking around like ‘cmon bruce cant you just adopt me so i never have to go back? i do not like him!’ but bruce is so overtired from working a case for two weeks straight that he just dead-eyed walks past and goes ‘no i can’t do that, you clearly have the hots for tim and i refuse to have any more brushes with adoptive incest in this family. you have to go the long way round and become my kid through marriage.’ and then leaves while kon just freezes and a previously-oblivious tim chokes on his cereal.