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When there are no words of comfort.

All my grief says the same thing— this isn't how it's supposed to be. And the world laughs, holds my hope by my throat, says: but this is how it is.

Fortesa Latifi, The Truth About Grief

beingmealways

It's seems crazy to think that the "I'm sorry for your loss" comments don't help. What has helped me truly are the comments " I don't know what to say", "I'm not good at this kind of thing" and " I couldn't even imagine". Those comments make me feel more like those people understand that there is nothing you can say. There is no taking away the pain. They are at a loss of words. Another comment that doesn't help "if you need anything just ask/call". My comment is always "thank you", but in my head I know I'll never call. What does help are those that call. That come by. That check on me. When they ask how I'm doing in this moment, they genuinely want to hear how I'm doing. Those are the people who care.

bibliophilequotes

all my grief says the same thing: this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. and the world laughs. holds my hope by the throat. says: but this is how it is.

FORTESA LATIFI || “The Truth About Grief” (2019)

zoyahmadd

after my last loss i think i lost something human in me. my bleeding stopped and i turned into a pale body. i gave in to the chaos and i suppose that is relieving but i was no longer myself and that, i could feel to the bone.

i was so far gone people mourned my absence while i was still in front of them. they’d hold me up against their chest and cry, hoping that i’d give in cry with them too. but there was nothing left in me that i could have given up for someone. nothing human. no emotions. i’d just silently rest my head with a blank face. not a thought in my brain, not a memory, not an echo. nothing. nothing human.

and i suppose people like to go by calling it “emptiness” or “numbness” but i have felt that and i know its still an emotion you feel. it’s what you feel when you can feel nothing. but i was beyond that. to be able to comprehend an emotion just didn’t get through my tiny head this time. the loss and grief took something human out of me. i was beyond the point of feeling numb or empty. i could say i felt nothing but i too, know that nothingness is a feeling and it just wasn’t what i was feeling this time, if even i was to feel anything at all. i wasn’t quite sure the word “feeling” sat right with me this time. it was just something else. something which wasn’t there. something which didn’t exist to begin with. i couldn’t use words like “emptiness” or “nothingness” or “numbness” etc. the words didn’t do justice to the kind of thing i was put through. i couldn’t use a word at all.

all i know is my last loss took something human out of me, and after that, i just shut down. there was nothing i had left to offer and there was no strength i had left in me to receive anything at all. i was dead, just trapped between flesh and bone. a living oxymoron as the professors would say. i was no longer human. i was no longer me.

and now i don’t remember what it’s like to be who i was before i put up through my last loss. i don’t have many memories of me being alive. i don’t have many memories of me going through my last loss as well. i am not going to sit and try to find the good and bad in it. either ways, i couldn’t and it is because i don’t remember much of it. i have come to terms with the fact that in the end nothing really matters and i am, if even i am anything, nothing. denying or accepting my existence isn’t going to change a thing. i am just nothing. not a thing less, not a thing more. just nothing. and i don’t think i can be shaped and moulded into a human again. i can no longer be convinced that i still have a glimpse of life in me. i am no longer human. i am no longer me. and with the very little memories i have left of me being alive, i don’t think i’d want to be human again. enjoying the “little things” came with a price far too high for me to pay, and now i am robbed.

i am no longer human. i am no longer me. i am nothing. i am nothing. i am nothing.

“My last loss took something human out of me, and now, I am nothing.” ~ Zoya Ahmad

beingmealways

"I'm not good in these situations, I never know what to say".

I tell you what. People who say that to me are some of the best. Thank you for acknowledging my hurt. Thank you for not throwing out the go to phrases. Thank you for not ignoring my pain. You don't have to say anything special. What you said is more than enough. You know I'm in pain. You acknowledged the fact.

I know most people aren't good in these situations. Unless you've had a similar loss then you can't know. Only those who have been where I am now know. And they know, most words don't help.