In a day and age when the thick lines between types of peoples are getting thinner and thinner, one giant line in the sand caught our attention for a little exploration. Masculine acting guys versus feminine acting guys. It seems like the world is both awash with both and yet it seems that when you are looking, a true died-in-the-wool butch guy, or a real āpurse falling out of the mouthā nelly guy are so hard to find.
Maybe itās because weāre a lot more similar than we think.
On Being Butch
By Jason Mietelski
Growing up gay was never going to be easy, but growing up butch presented me with a separate set of issues. My perception of masculinity was heavily influenced by my father, a rough-edged man who showed no emotion, encouraged me to be tough and never cry, and took me to watch movies starring Stallone, Eastwood and Schwarzenegger. Since I loved getting my hands dirty and building things with power tools, no one ever thought I might be gay, and this sealed the edges around the door of my closet, making it very difficult for me to come out. It also created a dark period in my life and a chasm between me and the rest of the world. Thankfully AOL helped me come out when I was 23, enabling me to close that gap and make a connection with the gay community.
Ah, my gay brothers, some of whom have judged me for āacting straightā, are ironically those whom Iāve found most attractive. Iāve always respected the more feminine guys for their strength and beauty; I find them intriguingāso much different than me yet paradoxically similar. Perhaps the judgmental ones assume Iāve had an easier life, escaping a lot of the childhood angst and harassment, when in reality my struggle was mostly internalized but just as real as theirs.
The struggle today is still real, though not as difficult as in the past. Even working in a gay-centric business Iām faced with a perpetual coming out process. Thereās always someone who assumes Iām heterosexual and is seemingly shocked when I tell them the truth. And of course, when people, thinking Iām straight, voice their homophobic views, the internalized shame Iāve worked so hard to overcome rears its ugly head, making the coming out process more difficultāthough it also strengthens me each time I do.
Yes, Iām a gold star gay, proud and thankful to be who I am. Iām glad to be butch and smash the stereotypes that so many people still clutch to as truth. I consider it a privilege and an honor to represent gay male masculinity, the underrepresented half of our community who have gone undetected, in my opinion, for too long. Contrary to popular belief, I think gay people are different than our hetero brothers and sisters. And that makes me happy. We are beautiful, colorful, and our differences, butch and femme (and the spectrum in between!), create the cohesion and light that makes gays fabulous!
Sissy Boys Represent!
By Jeffrey Silvey
As a more effeminate gay man people often make the assumption that I get bullied, made fun of, discriminated against, and insulted due to my effeminacy. In a world where the Macho Man is considered the ideal, I understand where the assumption comes from, but none of it is true. Honestly, the bullying, joking, discriminating, and insults come (ironically) straight from other gay guys.
There is the discussion of Fem. vs. Masc. It dictates the vast majority of Grindr profiles, but the discussion fails to retain water outside of the gay context. In my experiences, people donāt have a problem with my effeminacy. I have found that people respond more to a person that they feel is being authentically themselves. I havenāt tried to be someone Iām not and in turn Iāve had great interactions. But that is OUTSIDE the gay community.
When it comes to the judgment of gay men, it is gay men that are the harshest. If a gay man has a straight friend, then that friend will not care about how feminine or masculine you are. But other gay men do care. Effeminate men carry a social stigma within the gay community because they donāt reinforce the macho-man image that the mainstream media so valiantly showcases.
It seems to me that some masculine gay men have internalized homophobia, which is why they only hunt other masculine gay men. Maybe because theyāre not comfortable with their own sexuality they want to verbally reprimand those that are different. Itās almost as if there is some sort of litmus test for how masculine a man can be and the number one way to know if a gay man is in fact masculine is if he says so on his Grindr profile. If not then you better believe he is a squealing, lisping, fairy.
But that doesnāt make sense.
Not every effeminate man has a lisp. Not every effeminate man wears make up or accidentally shops on the wrong side of the GAP. Iāve seen effeminate men that can take down a deer with one bullet and Iāve seen masculine men who squealed when Wicked came into town. It doesnāt matter either way because being masculine or feminine is not a character defining quality.
The whole issue has resulted in some rather silly discussion points. The most ridiculous is āIf I wanted someone feminine Iād date a woman.ā But that doesnāt make sense. Love isnāt that limited, so why should your thought process be?
Just be yourself. Be what you want and be who you want. Be what you want people to describe you as; if you want them to say youāre fearless then do something fearless. Donāt worry about who is feminine and who is masculine, because it really doesnāt matter. If you donāt like effeminate men, then thatās fine. No one said you had to date one, but that also doesnāt mean you have to be rude. Just find what makes you happy and screw the hang ups.