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@eldritchwolfgod
Welcome to my cave. Here, you will find my musings about being a god, and maybe even my other alterhuman experiences. I have never run a blog before, so hopefully I use it.
If you can tell, my source is HABIT from EMH (EveryManHybrid). Do not treat me one-to-one with that character, but don't expect me to not identify with him. I consider myself partially source separated.
Also, please, do not try to "reality check" me. It's unappreciated and I am not asking for that in any regard.
Lowkey, I think my identity as a god may be related to delusions I’ve had in the past.
I denied this idea for a while because I feared that the moment I admitted I experience delusions, my nonhumanity would be considered invalid.
But I’m a psychological godkin. My nonhumanity is affected by psychological phenomena, and that could include my past delusions.
That isn’t to say that my godhood is just delusions. I’m still a god when I’m not in an episode. It’s more nuanced than “I’m delusional and should fix it” or “I’m not delusional at all and never was”.
always getting told to "find god" and stuff. so i found god, its me!
BE NOT AFRAID
I reject the idea that angels, gods and devils and other divine beings must use what I call "celestial speak" all the time, including during shifts. We can curse, use human slang, and be silly without actually having human souls. We're still valid. We're still real.
Just a mad god's thought: I know damn well there's graffiti in heaven.
Does anyone else have multiple eye shifts? I'm meaning when you feel like you have more than 1-2 eyes.
I can feel them on my face and I can feel when they blink. They all move independently of each other.
I sometimes wish I could be open about my source, but I don't want others to make assumptions about me based off of it. I don't even know how many others would even know what I'm from, or who I am, but the fear is there regardless.
I think I finally confirmed that I am spiderkin. Particulary, I believe I might be spider cladokin in some way, since I can't really think of myself being any particular spider. Besides maybe Bold Jumping Spiders. Those in particular I feel connected to.
I'm happy to finally confirm it, though. It's been on my mind for a while. I had to shuffle through whether or not it was just a heavy connection or an actual self-identifier.
I haven't felt connected to my godliness in a while, and I was struggling to find a way to reconnect with it. None of my usual attempts were working. That was until I played modded Skyrim again. I didn't expect that to be a heavy trigger for me. I guess it could be because of how powerful I felt. I have a lot of powerful weapons and shouts. I also started the mission with Barbas (talking dog that belongs to a god) so that probably also attributed to it.
Having done some more research and introspection, I might be connected to Loki from Norse Mythology somehow. I'm not entirely sure if I am Loki, though. Maybe in some way, shape, or form, but it's unlikely. There are some similarities, however.
My connection to wolves, spiders, and snakes is apparent, as such is Loki with these animals. Alongside being a god, I am a polymorph/shapeshifter (I use both terms), which Loki is as well. I also suppose I could categorize myself as a "trickster" in some ways.
At this time, it doesn't feel right to call myself "Loki", but perhaps there's something there.
Divine headmate culture is not being allowed to show your worries and pain. As a god, I must to be an influential figure for others. I have to look strong and in control.
I shouldn't have any weaknesses.
But sometimes, just sometimes. I want to let myself vent all my worries. So that no one sees it.
.
I often question what sort of god I am, if any. If I am a "god of (blank)" at all. It's been hard to determine, and I'll likely have to do more introspection about it. I do have some theories, though.
Considering my source attachment, I could be a god of habits in some way, shape, or form. I'm not entirely sure what this would mean for me, however. Maybe besides my system role of being a challenger.
Another thought I keep having is if I'm a god of death somehow. This might be the least likely case, but I occasionally consider it. I don't feel as if I have much of a connection with death as a concept, but it feels tied to me somehow. In a way I can't control.
I do not consider myself a savior of any kind, so if I am any type of god at all, it is one that does not require worship, or redemption of any kind.
One thing that has been on my mind for a while is whether or not I am spiderkin or spiderhearted.
On one paw, I can see myself being a spider, but I can't place if I would be a specific one or perhaps a spider-cladokin.
On the other paw, I know that I already feel some sort of connection to spiders in general. They do not frighten me, or make me feel disgusted.
I feel a sort of kinship with them, regardless, but determining if I belong as one of them, or just belong among them is the dilemma.
I consider my godly-ness to be somewhat of a delusion, but it also doesn't feel that way to me.
I know "logically" that it isn't possible, but there are too many coincidences when it comes to how I feel and the world around me.
It's almost as if I can control the things around me and affect them. In some ways, I believe I can. It doesn't matter to me if it's truly "real" or not. It makes perfect sense to me.
Who else is just a god in their own way? That's how I am.
I just exist as a god. I don't need or want to be praised or worshipped. I don't have any ties to religion. I am still a god regardless.
You can't find me in any textbooks, articles, or even ancient history. There is no information about me at all. I am a god that has not been discovered, or recorded, and likely never will be.
I am my own god. I exist in the public without anyone knowing.
