I come to this account, so heavy with regrets and nostalgia of simpler and lovelier times.
For a handful of people still around, I used to own a roleplay account with my magnum opus; the best developed character I have created to this age: the half-elven knight Elydir, White Knight of Mirkwood.
Another has joined the ranks but the platform I used created so many problems and eventually locked me out of all accounts.
I miss Elydir. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret deleting my roleplay account. It filled me with such sorrow to see something I’ve invested so much stagnate and eventually grow irrelevant and old, that in a manic depression episode I deleted it.
I’ve regretted letting time pass until I understood that the sorrow didn’t come from the account -my very own archive of wonderful storylines and friends I made along the way- but from my own ability to invest and write like that again. I lost my spark, lost the joy writing gave me.
Elydir is my greatest achievement, ridiculous as it might sound to some. I grew alongside her, to this day I come up with scenarios for her, she is my muse and my art and a part of my soul. One I chose to destroy.
I come here and say this not because I expect anyone from the old days to reach out -I am terrible at keeping friendships alive, even if I’ve tried- but because I need to apologize to those I “left” behind alongside Elydir. Friends, muses, stories. I make a promise to myself that one day I’ll write down her full story, even if it never sees the light of day. I come here to honor her and honor a part of myself I lost with her, and the one I am always as she is with me.
Although I am unfortunately locked out of my characters I created after her -the second and third one I consider my muses as well, but never as Elydir’s level- I’m happy in a way that they will exist away from my destructive reach.
Don’t touch anything that filled you with happiness and purpose and accomplishment in the past. Let it live in a drawer somewhere and keep the memories sweet and alive in your mind.
To Elydir, White Knight of the Woodland Forest, Commander of the Kingsguard and Lady of the last elven realm of Middle Earth. Forever loyal to her friends and family, forever loyal to her Elvenking and forever in love with the man under the crown.
To Lan Lieren, adopted daughter of Lan Qiren, the Third Jade, sister to two flawless brothers and the Lady Lan of the Gusu. Underestimated and yet arising to all occasions.
To Wen Xu, brother to a menace he would die for, dealer of antique and luxury vehicles and head of the Wen crime syndicate. Forever in love with Nie Huaisang and both destined to tragedy together.
And may any other muse that comes to life in the future be loved and developed and explored and completed as they deserve.
Writer out. 🖋️
