[elidokie]

drinking wine with you and playing a board game and then playing on your pc and then going to the gas station to get more wine and then having sex on your bed oh my how i love you

[elidokie]

you are not your anger.

you are not the bad things that happened to you.

i forgive you

[elidokie]

Sometimes (most of the time) i think too much about the fact that all we can really do is trust in eachother. that our relationships and lives are shaped by the confidence we have in someones word. i need to know, do i trust you like that? when you tell me these things — am i supposed to just blindly believe you?

at times, i wish i was a small enough that i could fit into your ear. that i could listen in on all it is you think about. that i could have that definite confirmation that what you say to me is true.

i want to know every thought you have — but i want this out of my own selfish desire. it’s romantic to say it. to say, “i want to know you. all of you.” but truth is, i already do.

i don’t have to over explain. i don’t have to apologize. i don’t have to think twice about how it is i’m existing.

such a stupid ramble. i can’t sleep. i see you on saturday. i tell you that my flight lands at 5:41 which means that you’ll be there at 5. which means that by the time i text you that i’ve landed, you’ll already be waiting for me at baggage claim. & then we can kiss and kiss. all will be well.

see you later

[elidokie]

it’s the first day of july and i still love you.

it was about a year ago (exact — i think) that i went to the town fair. tipsy off strawberry tequila and one coors lite. i wrote about you then. it’s crazy that in one year, after the countless promises to both you and myself, im still in this exact spot. feeling all the things i felt then. even stronger now.

i loved you then as i love you now. with the understanding that this, as our bodies, was willed from God. that divine intervention is as real as we let it be — and we will and we will and we will.

i think of our future, our daughter and the green couch, and i’m not scared. i tell you all the time that im worried about feeling like a stranger in your home.

i asked you, “once i move in, would you feel like i’m intruding your home?”

and your response was. “no. it’s our home.”

so i think of all the stuff i worry about. how i leave my clothes on the bathroom floor. how im slow to wash dishes. i dont close the toothpaste cap all the way. i wonder, will you get annoyed? will you see me as something that you are just putting up with? a burden to the life you’ve grown comfortable with. but i know the answer. i know you will tell me no.

“i need you to know that there are times where im not going to be good to you. and im going to be mean. and i’m going to yell.”

and you, “i know. none of that changes anything.”

and this, all of my inconsistencies and doubts. none of this changes anything. i want you. i want this.

jesus loves you. we both know that. goodnight.

[elidokie]

i miss you my monkey. let’s fall asleep while you tell me about your childhood. i’d like to think that we would have been friends at any age.

i remember you told me about how you were as a kid. that you were troubled (whatever that word means) and mean. i can imagine it. but you aren’t that environment. you aren’t the house that raised you.

i think i told you before, how when i went to the 6th grade it felt as if i was falling behind. i think ive always felt a bit lonely. i always had this want in my heart for connection. for a friend who could understand me without me having to beg for it.

there was this girl then, one who became close to my closest friend at the time (closer than we were (not that it matters now)), who didn’t care for me. i thought she was so cool. i wanted her to think i was cool too.

(this was back to when my family had that brief month of living in that house with no water or electricity. we couldn’t store food in the house. my mom had just gotten surgery and this is when i got my period for the first time. terrible. )

i would get a grape uncrustable and a donut every day for lunch (i think my mom felt bad) and i would end up giving it to the girl. every single time. and i would just be hungry for the rest of the day. i didn’t care — i just wanted someone to want me so badly. i wanted someone to think i was cool.

she never did. we never talked beyond that.

i’d like to think that we would find each other somehow. and you would think i’m strange — as i would think you are too. and then one of us would talk. and then we would talk and talk and talk and talk and we’d never shut up.

but it wouldn’t matter. i think we, whichever version, would want that.

anywho. it’s 1AM. if you find this — i love you.

[elidokie]

things are soft. it’s may. no it’s june. it’s june.

hermosa. tesoro mío. mi cielo. mi vida. que dulce el amor. eres mi razón de ser.

the way you tell me you adore me. the way you breathe in my ear while i’m falling asleep — and yet it doesn’t annoy me. i see it then. yes yes. we are both alive and breathing. we are both here.

i love you

[elidokie]

magic the gathering and fishing and getting taco bell and being tipsy on my friends boat holy hell it’s summer and my life is everconfusing and wonderful. t-one month til i see you. and then we can fuck on your bed and kiss and kiss and kiss. i love you. i’ll never forget it.

[elidokie]

who knows

[elidokie]

miss u. would love to take a walk with u.

[elidokie]

i haven’t written anything that means anything (though, doesn’t all of this mean something?) in quite some time. i have 12 hours left of this 26 hour road trip and so i guess ill take it to sit here and force myself to think.

i’m listening to leith ross. “to me” if you care (who am i talking to? future me? she’s someone). i’m on my period and trying to make myself comfortable but truth is that the seatbelt is digging into my neck and my headphones are way too tight. i can easily fix these things but i think id rather complain first.

i feel stuck at times. i say that i know what i want — but it changes as easily as it comes. so what am i supposed to do then? i want all of these things equally as much. to wash your hair. to wash my own hair. to not have any hair to worry about. do i just pick a straw? let life come at me without any means to make it my own? no. maybe? i don’t know.

i’ve been unmedicated (not by choice) for quite some time but i’m not completely upset about it. i forget how it’s like to be in control of my own brain all the time — so i have to keep reminding myself that this is my head. that this is all of who i am. a clump of meat in a calcium shell. and that’s okay. i love you.

the song changed to bright eyes. “a song to pass the time”

i miss you. i miss your hands. i miss the way you held my lower back without any other intention than supporting me as i walk. and then we’d walk. i perform songs from musicals i grew up with. you laugh. it’s golden. it’s green.

i don’t have any words right now. i’ll leave it at this.

[elidokie]

working in special education has been the most rewarding (and… unexpected?) thing i’ve ever done. albeit, it’s SO hard sometimes but man! do my students fill something in me!

[elidokie]

writing poetry about you. like what else is there to you.

my shooting star. this heart is forever yours.

[elidokie]

lionel, my heart is yours.

[elidokie]

am i doomed to feel alone forever? am i doomed to forever be misunderstood by everyone i know?

i’m just tired of having to explain myself. i’m tired of feeling like i have to put up an act. who even am i? and is there someone out there who will tolerate it? surely. there has to be. even if it’s just the girl i want to be — the one looking back wishing i would have been kinder to myself.

[elidokie]

i’m so so lucky

[elidokie]

“All night, all day / I could go down on you…”

That line is so incredibly romantic. So tender and intimate. I keep thinking of that one quote by Fleabag that repeats, “I'm not obsessed with sex. I just can't stop thinking about it. The performance of it. The awkwardness of it. The drama of it. The moment you realize someone wants your body. Not so much the feeling of it.” and how true it is.

I’ve always had such a complicated relationship with sex but my God does he make it so easy. Not the pleasure obviously but just the act of letting myself be known and vulnerable like that. I’ve connected with him on such a deep level even before we did so — but in some weird way (one that I can’t put to words because HOW can i) having sex with him just made me feel so whole. Like, for once this isn’t scary. I don’t have to be afraid of it.

That word always felt so taboo and icky in my mouth. It’s changed. Love you.

Missing you so bad.

[elidokie]

“I'm a first timer. Wishing I was someone else. / When I see you by yourself…”