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Elijah Bhatt Stonefield RP GAD, OCD, NSSID

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Yeah,” Elijah answered the question with as much information as he had to give. He played with the skin around his fingernails now. As the silence grew, he itched to speak.

“I’ve never done that before. Hurt myself that bad. Used a knife or razor.”

[doctor-darcey-blog]

The doctor nodded, scribbling down several more notes before pausing– placing his pencil down and running his hands through his hair “I see” he breathed “We’ll work together to find you both a suitable medication and outlet for the emotions you’re feeling… How does that sound?”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“...Sounds okay,” Elijah told him, happy that the doctor was not going to prod into that night much more. 

“...Just...how long am I going to be here?” He asked. After all, he could only miss so much work before his coworkers would get suspicious. 

[elijahbhatt-blog]

The doctor was able to put Elijah’s ramblings into a coherent sentence. “Yeah.” He stated, something lifted off his chest when he heard it. 

Life was hard. He didn’t ask for it. “I went too far that night. I grabbed razor and…it worked…for five minutes. Now I’m here.”

[doctor-darcey-blog]

The doctor nodded as he listened, letting out a hum as he lent back in his chair to run a hand through his hair “I see” he replied, his gaze flickering back down to the patients file “Is that a common factor in those situations? it only lasts for a small moment?” 

[elijahbhatt-blog]

"Yeah," Elijah answered the question with as much information as he had to give. He played with the skin around his fingernails now. As the silence grew, he itched to speak.

"I've never done that before. Hurt myself that bad. Used a knife or razor."

[elijahbhatt-blog]

The first few days Elijah was there, he was thrown off by bandages and the faint red to slipped through them. By now, he barely oriented to the sight. It was as familiar to him as necklaces or a tattoo. You noticed, you moved on. There was still a stigma though. Luckily for him, he had been at a state “behavioral unit” when he was bandaged up.

“Your mother? Good stuff. Parents are awesome. I mean, they’re the only ones that are going to stick with us as we go through this healing experience,” He placed as much an upbeat spin on the conversation as possible. “I mean, partners are nice…but…they don’t have an obligation to us. Especially if we aren’t married.” He let out an anxious laugh as he found himself standing in front of the phone, rubbing his hands together. He needed to get away.

He needed to hurt.

[scxrletshxdow-deactivated202004]

“Mm, my momma. She’s good, she’s a real good person. She tried so hard to make me feel happy…” She trailed off, bad memories flashing through her mind. She shook it off quickly, a small smile appearing on her lips. “People always leave, most of the time they don’t want to stick around. My girlfriend Dana broke up with me because she said she couldnt handle my sadness. She told me she was sick of it…”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

There was a very real sense of sympathy welling in Elijah when the woman talked about her girlfriend. That sympathy turned into empathy as he thought about his own girlfriend. Would Karly handle him? Could she handle him? Was that the reason she would not take his calls. “Do you think that we would do the same? If they were in here and we were out there?”

Elijah pushed away the thought, nibbling on his lower lip. He would like to think that he would support Karly. But she wasn’t sick like him. People lived with anxiety everyday. He couldn’t handle that. He had to live under supervision. What did that say about him?

[elijahbhatt-blog]

He thought that maybe saying all of that would be enough. But it wasn’t. He could feel himself grow antsy. He went to place his hand on his hip bone, trying to press into the tender area. The pressure turned to pain quickly, but it wasn’t enough for him. He moved his fingers to his ribs and continued to press there.

“Things like this,” He told the doctor, more than willing to show him the things he did to handle temporary, inconvenient problems and feelings. He was not ready to reveal more without prompting. The doctor had the file, why did he need to say something?

“Anxiety, yeah. But it hurts. It makes me squirm and want to dig my way out of my body. I have to do things to bring myself back and make the feeling go away,” Elijah told him.

[doctor-darcey-blog]

The doctor looked up, his gaze slowly moving to where the patient seemed to be digging his fingers in to his side– no doubt in attempt to cause pain “I see” he hummed, nodding slightly. 

“So you do things that cause you… pain, to stabilise yourself? bring yourself back to reality?” he asked curiously 

[elijahbhatt-blog]

The doctor was able to put Elijah’s ramblings into a coherent sentence. “Yeah.” He stated, something lifted off his chest when he heard it. 

Life was hard. He didn’t ask for it. “I went too far that night. I grabbed razor and...it worked...for five minutes. Now I’m here.”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

Elijah found himself leaning against the wall with the phone in his hand and pressed against his ear. He heard the ringing and with each ring, he rubbed his thumb nail against the skin of his pointer finger. When he heard the click of the voicemail, he let out a shaky, nervous laughter before he left his message, “Hey, baby, it’s Elijah. This is the…twentieth time I’ve called since I went…you know…” He would have given the remaining years of his life to hear his girlfriend’s voice.

“I can only be on the phone certain hours and I know you work but…can you please pick up the phone? I need to talk to you. I haven’t heard from you since the hospital. That’s…I’ve been in here a long time. This…this isn’t fair…” He exhaled as he moved around so now he was pressing his head against the wall. “I love you…” And with that, he went to hang the phone up on the receiver.

His internal dialogue was making him sick. ‘You screwed up, buddy. Love of your life is gone forever.’

But he did not have time to wallow in his feelings. He heard the footsteps of someone approaching and he turned around to place a big smile on his face. “Hey! Here for the phone? Just got off.”

[scxrletshxdow-deactivated202004]

Willow drifted about, more like an entity than a person. She felt like she was lost in this place, just living without a purpose. Her thoughts were always worse when she was alone, she just had to speak to someone. She knew she looked terrible, skin pale and sickly, eyes dull and deep shadows growing beneath them. Her arms were wrapped in bandages, again. She had to stop doing it, she knew she did. But life was hard when all you could think of was the sweet release of death.

Her eyes caught onto a man as he spoke on the phone, his words catching in her head. She knew what it was like to call and have no one answer, It had happened with her Dana…sweet, beautiful Dana, the only light in her sea of endless darkness,

She glanced away briefly as the man turned to her, her fingers rubbing against the fabric of her shirt in an anxious motion. She hadn’t meant to listen in on his conversation. She gave a weak smile as he spoke. “Uh..y-yeah…I have to call ma mère…”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

The first few days Elijah was there, he was thrown off by bandages and the faint red to slipped through them. By now, he barely oriented to the sight. It was as familiar to him as necklaces or a tattoo. You noticed, you moved on. There was still a stigma though. Luckily for him, he had been at a state “behavioral unit” when he was bandaged up.

“Your mother? Good stuff. Parents are awesome. I mean, they’re the only ones that are going to stick with us as we go through this healing experience,” He placed as much an upbeat spin on the conversation as possible. “I mean, partners are nice...but...they don’t have an obligation to us. Especially if we aren’t married.” He let out an anxious laugh as he found himself standing in front of the phone, rubbing his hands together. He needed to get away.

He needed to hurt.

[elijahbhatt-blog]

Elijah found himself leaning against the wall with the phone in his hand and pressed against his ear. He heard the ringing and with each ring, he rubbed his thumb nail against the skin of his pointer finger. When he heard the click of the voicemail, he let out a shaky, nervous laughter before he left his message, “Hey, baby, it’s Elijah. This is the…twentieth time I’ve called since I went…you know…” He would have given the remaining years of his life to hear his girlfriend’s voice.

“I can only be on the phone certain hours and I know you work but…can you please pick up the phone? I need to talk to you. I haven’t heard from you since the hospital. That’s…I’ve been in here a long time. This…this isn’t fair…” He exhaled as he moved around so now he was pressing his head against the wall. “I love you…” And with that, he went to hang the phone up on the receiver.

His internal dialogue was making him sick. ‘You screwed up, buddy. Love of your life is gone forever.’

But he did not have time to wallow in his feelings. He heard the footsteps of someone approaching and he turned around to place a big smile on his face. “Hey! Here for the phone? Just got off.”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

Elijah continued to fidget in his chair as organic feelings rushed into the pit of his stomach. “Like…Okay…” Maybe if he talked quickly, the feeling would go away.

“My job is really stressful and I was pulling a lot of all nighters and I really want to propose to my girlfriend and the diamond setting was wrong and my Dad isn’t doing too well and they want me to relocate to Hong Kong and I don’t even know anyone in Hong Kong and Mom doesn’t like Karly and is always like “that big city and you couldn’t find one Desi girl to marry” and my Mercedes broke down and I walked into the door and Karly couldn’t give me two seconds before telling me that the stupid dog that I didn’t even want messed up the carpet that I just had installed and what I usually do when I was upset wasn’t working and I started breathing funny and I locked myself in the bathroom and I did something really stupid to make it all go away and here I am!“

He said the entire paragraph of information in one breath. His chest was rising and falling heavily as he struggled to catch his breath. Again, though, he would not explicitly say what happened.

[doctor-darcey-blog]

The doctor’s eyes widened at the sudden rush of information, as if the patient had been holding it all back and finally let it go– or perhaps he was hurrying to get the information out, in fear of triggering something if he lingered too long on a particular thought. 

Darcey nodded, humming thoughtfully before he spoke “You mentioned what you would ‘normally do’ when you’re upset, could you tell me a little about that?” he asked, tilting his head slightly “And this feeling you had during this situation… was it perhaps anxiety? or something different?”

“No hurry to answer, take your time, Elijah”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

He thought that maybe saying all of that would be enough. But it wasn’t. He could feel himself grow antsy. He went to place his hand on his hip bone, trying to press into the tender area. The pressure turned to pain quickly, but it wasn’t enough for him. He moved his fingers to his ribs and continued to press there.

“Things like this,” He told the doctor, more than willing to show him the things he did to handle temporary, inconvenient problems and feelings. He was not ready to reveal more without prompting. The doctor had the file, why did he need to say something?

“Anxiety, yeah. But it hurts. It makes me squirm and want to dig my way out of my body. I have to do things to bring myself back and make the feeling go away,” Elijah told him.

[oddltles]

ELIJAHBHATT:

“Well, I really didn’t know what to expect when I was told that I needed to go to a psychiatric hospital…so I guess this is nice,” He remarked as he looked around the room. It as at least nicer than the dorm he stayed in during college. 

“Well…long story short,” He debated on whether or not he should tell the full, true story about what happened to land him in there. “One of the things that the doctor says I have is called Non Suicidal Self Injury Disorder or something like that…I like to…” He let out an awkward chuckle when he looked down at the floor. He felt embarrassed. 

Todd could call in prison and Hell all he wanted. Truth be told this place was a lot bigger and nicer than the cabin in the woods that he grew up in. But that still didn’t make it feel like a home. It was artificial and forced.. And worst of all, his brother wasn’t there. ❝Yeah.❞ He breathed, ❝I guess under certain circumstances this place is okay.❞

❝Hurt yourself?❞ The male guessed as Elijah let his glance drop away. That’s what self harming was.. And while Todd didn’t have such a fancy title attached to his, he was in the same boat. Surely not for the same reasons or to be coupled with the same disorder but if he was right then this was something that he could relate to. ❝Cutting or burning,❞ He asked, was a reassuring smile. One that was real.

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Yeah....” Hurt himself. Todd was able to put into words what Elijah refused to. And to be honest, he was grateful for that. It took the hard part out of this conversation. But when Todd asked more specifics, Elijah froze. Now that was a no no. He looked away from Todd and towards the wall as though the answer was right there and his new friend should look there instead.

“It only happened that bad once,” He told him, not referring to the cutting or the burning specifically. “I like to rub my fingers,” He showed Todd the blisters on his fingers, some older than others. The fresh one on his thumb was still pink and stinging. “And sometimes I hit myself.” And that was quite enough sharing for one day, Elijah decided. 

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Yeah, yeah, let’s get to it,” Elijah said, his words putting a pep back into his step so to speak. There was nothing he needed more than work. Work put his mind at ease. He could not stand being alone with his thoughts.

“So, I got…overwhelmed,” He frowned at the word and shifted again, fidgeting now. “And when I get upset I…” He let out an awkward laugh as he felt himself trip over the words that he wanted to say.

[doctor-darcey-blog]

The doctor nodded as he listened, his gaze flickering up to the patient before him, before moving back down the file in his hands “Overwhelmed..” he repeated quietly, using his spare hand to push up his glasses. 

“Could you explain that further, Elijah?” 

[elijahbhatt-blog]

Elijah continued to fidget in his chair as organic feelings rushed into the pit of his stomach. "Like...Okay..." Maybe if he talked quickly, the feeling would go away.

"My job is really stressful and I was pulling a lot of all nighters and I really want to propose to my girlfriend and the diamond setting was wrong and my Dad isn't doing too well and they want me to relocate to Hong Kong and I don't even know anyone in Hong Kong and Mom doesn't like Karly and is always like "that big city and you couldn't find one Desi girl to marry" and my Mercedes broke down and I walked into the door and Karly couldn't give me two seconds before telling me that the stupid dog that I didn't even want messed up the carpet that I just had installed and what I usually do when I was upset wasn't working and I started breathing funny and I locked myself in the bathroom and I did something really stupid to make it all go away and here I am!"

He said the entire paragraph of information in one breath. His chest was rising and falling heavily as he struggled to catch his breath. Again, though, he would not explicitly say what happened.

[oddltles]

ELIJAHBHATT:

“Thanks! I have to say that this is a nice place,” He told Todd with a cheerful attitude as he looked around the recreation center. To be honest, he could use a bit more people in the vicinity. “No. They have me on some antidepressants and anti-anxiety stuff. I can get Xanax if it’s an emergency but I don’t think I’ll need it.” He took Todd’s hand and slipped into an old habit. He gripped Todd’s hand and shook it strongly, staring him right in his eyes.

❝You think it’s nice?.❞ He asked, almost genuinely surprised. ❝I guess it is if you like hospital and prison vibes… Then sure.❞ He was able to carry a smile just as the other did. The look didn’t meet his eyes, but that wasn’t readable at first glance. ❝Ah, gotcha. Everyone’s on something.. Wouldn’t shock me if you were on Xanax with how chill you’re acting about this whole thing.❞ Todd mused, a teasing tone to his voice. Wihen the other took his hand, he was expecting a quick touch. Most patients didn’t even like to touch each other but Elijah seemed to be totally down, eye contact and all. Todd attempted to match his seriousness but was the first to shy away.

❝So, uh.❞ He cleared his throat, ❝What got you landed here?❞

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Well, I really didn’t know what to expect when I was told that I needed to go to a psychiatric hospital...so I guess this is nice,” He remarked as he looked around the room. It as at least nicer than the dorm he stayed in during college. 

“Well...long story short,” He debated on whether or not he should tell the full, true story about what happened to land him in there. “One of the things that the doctor says I have is called Non Suicidal Self Injury Disorder or something like that...I like to...” He let out an awkward chuckle when he looked down at the floor. He felt embarrassed. 

[elijahbhatt-blog]

Elijah let out a noise of relief at the Doctor’s words. He grew more comfortable in his chair as he opened himself back up. “Oh please do. My mom was on my case when I called home about visiting hours.” No doubt she was concerned that he was being lobotomized or had electroshock therapy on a daily basis.

“That’s good. I need to get out soon. I was about to propose to my girlfriend when the…you know…the stuff happened,” He told the doctor, his grin lessening as he placed his hand over his thigh.

[doctor-darcey-blog]

The doctor nodded in response– he was used to dealing with panicking and curious parents, having to answer their calls, to escorting them from the hospital when they refused to leave after visiting hours. 

“I see” he replied, nodding slowly “Then let’s work together so we can get you out of here as soon as possible” Darcey continued “No doubt she is missing you, Elijah” 

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Yeah, yeah, let’s get to it,” Elijah said, his words putting a pep back into his step so to speak. There was nothing he needed more than work. Work put his mind at ease. He could not stand being alone with his thoughts.

“So, I got…overwhelmed,” He frowned at the word and shifted again, fidgeting now. “And when I get upset I…” He let out an awkward laugh as he felt himself trip over the words that he wanted to say.

[mattie-khan]

“That sounds incredibly cool,” they said with a smile. “I’m sure that networking like that pays off, but it’s a huge amount of work, isn’t it? Keeping up with so many people and who they know.”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

They could definitely say that again. Elijah considered it just another thing in a list of long things that he had to do and keep up with. “I enjoy it. I like people,” He told her, his words simple and to the point. His eyes looked to the computer again and started to scroll through more of his pictures.

[elijahbhatt-blog]

Elijah could feel himself now growing more concern once he heard the doctor’s wording. “Ah…You’re not trying to scare me straight are you? I’m not going to be in here that long. And besides, you guys have like….visiting days right? I mean, this is like a regular hospital. I just happen to be sick in my head.” He was craving the reassurance and he refused to answer the question until he got it. He just stared at the doctor, waiting for an answer. 

[doctor-darcey-blog]

Darcey frowned as the man spoke “I’m not trying to scare you at all” he replied, glancing up and nodding “Ah, yes… sorry, we do have visiting hours” he continued, taking a moment to adjust his glasses as he spoke.

“If you’d like, I can notify your family of the hours if they haven’t already received a letter from us” the doctor spoke softly “I assure you, if you work together with me on this, you’ll be out sooner than you think” he added, glancing up at the patient– with all these questions from Elijah, it was clear he needed the reassurance. 

[elijahbhatt-blog]

Elijah let out a noise of relief at the Doctor’s words. He grew more comfortable in his chair as he opened himself back up. “Oh please do. My mom was on my case when I called home about visiting hours.” No doubt she was concerned that he was being lobotomized or had electroshock therapy on a daily basis.

“That’s good. I need to get out soon. I was about to propose to my girlfriend when the...you know...the stuff happened,” He told the doctor, his grin lessening as he placed his hand over his thigh.

[mattie-khan]

“Yeah. Mostly portrait photography and food. You planning a wedding or just the type of person who likes them?” They asked with an earnest smile.

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Well my girlfriend and I…assuming that she’ll wait…” There was a sudden sadness as he vocalized his worries. She was going to leave. Why would she hold out? As the thoughts got into his head, he returned to scraping at his thumb. The stinging made him think about the pain.

“We’re going to get married when I get out of here.”

[mattie-khan]

Mattie nodded sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I hope she waits. From what I can tell, you’re worth waiting for.” They couldn’t imagine someone being charmed enough by Elijah to want to marry him that wouldn’t wait for him. Their eyes narrowed when they saw him picking at his skin, but they didn’t press. “What kind of wedding do you want?”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Yeah,” was how he answered her statement about his girlfriend waiting for him and about being worth the wait. He would just have to see when he got out of there. The worry was eating at him and he started to nibble on his lower lip. But then he was distracted.

“Oh it’s going to be sick. My mom is going to invite like half of India to come. Elephants and colors and fire breathers. And I would love to get T Pain to come play. That would be hot,” He said, now excited about his future rather than worried about the inevitable. 

[mattie-khan]

They laughed at his contagious excitement. “That sounds insane, in a good way. A real party. How would you manage to pull the strings to get T Pain?”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“That’s what happens when you work in my field. You network like crazy. I know a guy who knows a guy who has his pool cleaned by the same guy who cleans T Pain’s pool. It pays to have friends,” Elijah hummed pleasantly as he thought back to it, “All I need to do is talk to him once I get out of here.”

[oddltles]

ELIJAHBHATT:

Elijah sat down on the couch, making sure to keep his distance from the man without looking like he was keeping his distance. He couldn’t look rude but he didn’t exactly trust this fellow either. “I am new. I just got here two days ago. I was on some pretty good emergency meds that practically made me comatose. Felt like a I was floating on a cloud.” He prettied up the experience the best he could.

Truth be told, he had no idea what they gave him to calm him down the first day when he was talking hundreds of words a minute and unable to to sit still. But he couldn’t say that he felt like he was completely happy. It was as though he didn’t have the ability to worry. He couldn’t think about the future or the past. His brain was so fuzzy.

“You can call me Elijah. And you are?”

Todd hadn’t the slightest idea what ‘emergency meds’ meant, but he could relate in one way or another. In order to get ride of his his hallucinations and knock him out at night he’d been given a cocktale of pills that made him feel rather numb and tired. It was nice sometimes. ❝Well in that case, welcome to Stondefielld.❞·He replied, turning ever so slightly so that he could look at the other without craning his neck. ❝I take it your not still on them?❞

❝I’m Todd.❞ He held out a hand to the man, ❝It’s a pleasure.❞

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Thanks! I have to say that this is a nice place,” He told Todd with a cheerful attitude as he looked around the recreation center. To be honest, he could use a bit more people in the vicinity. “No. They have me on some antidepressants and anti-anxiety stuff. I can get Xanax if it’s an emergency but I don’t think I’ll need it.” He took Todd’s hand and slipped into an old habit. He gripped Todd’s hand and shook it strongly, staring him right in his eyes.

[elijahbhatt-blog]

Elijah felt awkward that his high energy was not being returned. Truth be told, he felt like he was sitting in front of a black hole. So maybe that was why he slumped his shoulders at the question. “I’m here because I’m not doing really good right now. And I scared my parents and my girlfriend really bad.” There was now guilt welling in him. He shifted on the couch as he started to bite at the inside of his mouth. His teeth digging into his cheek hurt and that was better than guilt.

[doctor-darcey-blog]

The doctor paused at the sudden change in the patients manner, his gaze shifting up to glance at the man across from him, before quickly looking down– he was still working on eye-contact.

Darcey nodded, flipping through Elijah’s file as he began to speak “I see…” he breathed “But together we’ll work this all out… so you can see them again” he added “Is… Is that something you’d be willing to work with me on?”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

Elijah could feel himself now growing more concern once he heard the doctor’s wording. “Ah...You’re not trying to scare me straight are you? I’m not going to be in here that long. And besides, you guys have like....visiting days right? I mean, this is like a regular hospital. I just happen to be sick in my head.” He was craving the reassurance and he refused to answer the question until he got it. He just stared at the doctor, waiting for an answer. 

[mattie-khan]

“Yeah. Mostly portrait photography and food. You planning a wedding or just the type of person who likes them?” They asked with an earnest smile.

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Well my girlfriend and I…assuming that she’ll wait…” There was a sudden sadness as he vocalized his worries. She was going to leave. Why would she hold out? As the thoughts got into his head, he returned to scraping at his thumb. The stinging made him think about the pain.

“We’re going to get married when I get out of here.”

[mattie-khan]

Mattie nodded sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I hope she waits. From what I can tell, you’re worth waiting for.” They couldn’t imagine someone being charmed enough by Elijah to want to marry him that wouldn’t wait for him. Their eyes narrowed when they saw him picking at his skin, but they didn’t press. “What kind of wedding do you want?”

[elijahbhatt-blog]

“Yeah,” was how he answered her statement about his girlfriend waiting for him and about being worth the wait. He would just have to see when he got out of there. The worry was eating at him and he started to nibble on his lower lip. But then he was distracted.

“Oh it’s going to be sick. My mom is going to invite like half of India to come. Elephants and colors and fire breathers. And I would love to get T Pain to come play. That would be hot,” He said, now excited about his future rather than worried about the inevitable.