I was here first. His eyes glistened for me first. I got to love him first. But I only came second. Now, looking back, at how it all came to be, it was him who broke my heart first.
And it never healed. No one is at fault but me.
I was in a rush, I knew what I wanted and I got what I had been praying for. It was so easy for the both of us to wallow inside the bubble that we made for us two. But when it suddenly broke, it was I who chose to be left behind.
Maybe it's a promise that can't be kept. Maybe it was never part of the plan. Or maybe it was made to last only for a short period of time. Whatever it may be, it was good, it was pure, it was something I had a hard time trying to forget. I never forgot.
When I started to accept the fact that it was over, I did what I could do at the time. I did what I do best; I waited. And waited. And waited. Waited for what, exactly? To be finally chosen, I guess. But that never happened. So I chose myself.
It all felt like a long, dreadful night. I never got to see the sunlight and I wasn't in my right mind for a very long time. Only to realize that I've been lost to the darkest parts I've ever come to know; my mind. Searching for a way out but not really willing to actually get out. I spent most of my nights in tears, with the pain I had acquired until I finally felt numb, until all there's left were my tears.
I remember how it was so cold that my tears all dried up faster with every longing night I spent crying. Then I started to shiver with the thought of it. Not knowing that it's not yet over.
Convincing myself that I'm good enough was the hardest thing I had to do. Partly because I never believed it. Partly because the people around me thought so, too. I wanted to redeem myself. I pushed myself into thinking that I deserved more than what I had been given, and so I pushed through it again. And again. And again. Until he came back to me.
He never really left though. Maybe he just really likes to keep me at bay. I can attest to all the higher beings that I was happy when he decided to come back. I longed for him, I prayed for him, I wanted him just as he was, so I accepted him.
But my demons stayed with me. Most of which keep on whispering to me how it was all a bad idea, how it was all made up, how it will eventually end again anyway. I never believed them, because I believed him. He was such an angel, ever so patient, massively kind, all sorts of perfect, more and more each passing day. But I was getting worst. There was always something that held me back.
Up until now, I haven't learned how to let go of those whispering demons. They sleep beside me at night, they frown upon me whenever I smile, they hold the grudge that I kept trying to let go. So I let him go.
I wanted to let the world know that I was first. That before all of this mess, there was a him and I. That he broke my heart first. That I waited. That he made me very happy when I allowed myself to. That I held onto his promise that he'll come home. That I just never really learned how to close my doors so I didn't. That he never chose me but I always knew that he loved me. That even after then, whatever's left of my broken heart would love him still. I want everyone to know. I want no one to know.
That was then. I do not know what I want now.
snowghoul
turnnoffyourmind
ellievsbear
prguitarman