David Shariatmadari meets the evil Maajid Nawaz
Controversial controversialist, the so-called Maajid Nawaz, says things many people disagree with. So how can he be allowed to say things? David Shariatmadari investigates the enigma of a former extremist who now believes things he didn’t used to, and what this means for people already being persecuted by what he says.
(moustache imported from Nepal)
Unexpectedly, for someone who claims to be the greatest man who ever lived, the choice of venue for our interview isn’t authentic for someone who is supposedly an expert in things which community activists and leaders disagree with. He greets me with a ‘hello’, his handshake simultaneously shifty and dishonest. His reptilian eyes remind me of a snake I once saw in a dream, its sibilant hiss warning me of the destruction of the universe, if it were ever to be trusted.
(a representation of how Maajid Nawaz, on the left, entices innocent Mowgli’s with his arguments)
“Can I buy you a coffee? An esspressino perregrino perhaps? I highly recommend it with an effulgence of Perugian cream. The trick behind its exquisite flavour is that Italian milkmaids massage the udders of the cow for three days before extracting it. Lick a spoon of Tuscan truffle-teat sugar with it. Sensational.”
(Unbelievable. Who does he think he is, inviting me here?)
I watch him suspiciously, amazed that a man who claims to be opposed to religious extremism could ever drink such ostentatious coffee. I accept his offer, full of disgust that a man like this, who offends so many community leaders, drinks so-called coffee with Perugian cream, alienating so many extremists. The coffee is delicious.
(King Herod had babies killed. Maajid Nawaz offends community activists and leaders. Same thing.)
Before interviewing Nawaz, I speak to some anonymous people who know him. One of them, an anonymous source who wants to be anonymous, says 'Maajid thinks he’s amazing, but he’s not. Instead of writing and debating things in order to confront bad ideas, he should be sticking his head in the sand, which is the only way the extremists won’t be offended’.
I ask him about his pompous opinions, and whether expressing them actually increases extremism by increasing it. Predictably, he is dismissive of my brilliant, amazing point, disagreeing with it arrogantly in a manner that would alienate people and thus increase the chances of innocent people being harmed by extremists, probably.
(anonymous source spoke only on condition of being represented as a silhouette against a moody, artistic city light skyline)
Another person I spoke to, who wanted to remain anonymous, but knew Nawaz years ago, and coincidentally happened to have the exact view of the shifty collaborator as I do, said 'Maajid claims to be a normal human being who believes in liberalism and secularism. But how can he go from one extreme, believing in a supremacist caliphate, with most of humanity inferior to him, to the other extreme, believing in equality, secularism and liberal ideals? It just doesn’t make any sense. Both these positions are as extreme as the other. I hate him.“
We sip our coffees. I look around the fashionable hotel we are in. I feel disgust. Authentic people who claim to be against extremism whilst also pointing out that its all relative so don’t worry about it, would be meeting me in authentic places that are edgy and in touch with the people on the streets. For example, in the Guardian newspaper office in swish north London.
As he is talking narcissistically about what his views are, as if his views are correct, I recall someone I spoke to, anonymously, about him. A Muslim woman who wanted to stay anonymous, for anonymous reasons.
"Maajid thinks he’s so special. But he’s really not. He thinks he’s so amazing. But he’s not. He’s so arrogant, with his opinions. But they’re not his opinions. They’re the opinions of white people who he just wants to entertain by saying things. I know so many people who say he doesn’t even grow his own moustache. He has moustache hair imported from Nepal, and he has a butler apply it every morning, to try and make himself look like he’s something special. But he’s not. And he’s just alienating everyone to become extremist, even though there’s no problem of extremism’.
(the root cause of all extremism – this face)
I look at Maajid’s face, and I want to puke. It reminds me of something else someone else said about him, who wants to remain anonymous.
"Maajid Nawaz smells. He smells of poo. He looks like he smells. Really, really badly.”
I’m reminded of a comment someone made to me about him. Someone who is really authentic, and whose opinion really, really counts. Because they are amazing authentic and great, unlike the supposed Maajid Nawaz.
“He wears nice clothes. Tweed jackets, for example. And he looks like he wears shoes from a shop on Savile Row. What is he trying to hide, by wearing suits and ties? How can authentic people relate to him, and not be alienated, when he wears natty clothes? What a coconut bastard.”
(a picture of Maajid Nawaz when he is at home and has removed his mask)
I feel like vomiting again as I look at the face of this nemesis of decency and multiculturalism, and I pray to the heavens that Jeremy Corbyn should one day reign and squat over him and dissolve him with the spirit of anti-Uncle Tom disinfectant.
I return to the office needing to take a shower. Aisha Ghani asks me if I need to see a doctor. Nesrine Malik suggests I may have to go into quarantine, in case I am carrying any parasitical spores from 'Maajid Nawaz’, which are more deadly than ebola. But I tell them I’m OK. I commission some articles on how sharia law is like being tickled with a feather, and why ISIS are innocent victims of British society.
(Abdul Khalifa, moderate leader of ‘extremist’ group Caliphate-über-Alles, indicates how many times Maajid Nawaz should be whipped, every hour)
I speak to some authentic people. Peter Trombone puts me in touch with his friend Abdul Khalifa, of the supposedly 'extreme’ group Caliphate-über-Alles". I ask him about 'Maajid Nawaz’, and he replies, amazingly authentically and truthfully,
“Yes, he was once a member of our organisation. So of course he shouldn’t be trusted. But please trust us anyway. If you don’t, people may become alienated and extreme.”
As a journalist with great integrity, I have to be objective, and I ask him about scurrilous allegations that Caliphate-über-Alles believes in a racist, supremacist, violent ideal Islamic state that would put to death Maajid Nawaz and millions of others in a theocratic theocracy. Is that true, I ask him?
“Yes. But we would do so peacefully, in a moderate way, fully in line with principles of diversity.”
I am relieved. He does believe in peaceful supremacist fascism, after all, which is an authentic cry of the oppressed. He deserves a column in the Guardian. Clearly his values are synonymous with those of the true liberal-left in Britain, unlike some people who think they’re so smart and clever.
As I get ready to leave the office to chair a discussion on how Islamism is an anti-capitalist anti-austerity movement, and how forced marriage is a feminist statement, I speak to Mozarella Bogg and Youseem Crazy of the progressive beheading rights group DECAP. They confirm to me that Maajid Nawaz is responsible for everything bad, and I believe them, because they are so misunderstood and peaceful.
“One day someone is going to behead Maajid Nawaz, and it will be his own fault for provoking it. In fact he wants to be beheaded, so that he can claim that those who do so are beheaders. And then we will be the true victims of this extremism caused by those who oppose extremism without permission of community leaders, community activists, and journalists from the Guardian.”
(also Maajid Nawaz’s fault)
I look out of the window towards the lights of north London and fear for the future, where extremist anti-extremists cause extremism and alienation, and then make things worse, by opposing ideas that we don’t want to be talked about. Because we are progressives, and we must progress by embracing the regressive and not the aggressive who say things that may offend and alienate. The future of Britain as a peaceful society depends on not upsetting anyone, or else.
Above the sky the moon is full and shining. As dark clouds cover it, I see the face of 'Maajid Nawaz’ in them, turning light into darkness, and making people cry.
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