Stories from a Lost Soul

Although it has always been my dream to write a novel, my thoughts are always too scattered to do so. These are thoughts and stories taken from my friends, family and fans. I have written them as if they have happened to me to show my ability to place myself in their shoes, to show empathy and imagination.

[elizastjude]

Have you ever lied in bed and thought "man, if only I hadn't..."

It doesn't matter much how you finished that question, but the mere sense of doubt that you feel can be so overwhelming at times.

I get that I've definitely chosen a path in life that has made a lot of things more difficult. Trust me, I have thought about that a lot. But, at the same time, if I had chosen different things, would I feel as though I've truly lived?

It's easy to get mad at ourselves for our "stupid" decisions and it's often difficult to forgive ourselves for those very same things. Yet, we ultimately become the person we are based upon all those experiences. We learn, we grow, we accept, we live.

I look at those around me who have never experienced many of the things I have. At times, I'll admit, I'm envious that haven't had to see, feel or know those things... but at the same time, I'm sorry that they haven't.

Life is tricky. It's true we should never judge another because each of us makes decisions based upon the knowledge and truth we hold inside ourselves at the time we make the choices we do. It's difficult to say what you'd do if presented with the same options.

In addition, each person is "wired" different... some of us are morning people, some night owls. You have introverts and extroverts... you have those that need everything clean and in it's place and those that are content with things lived in, so to speak.

I guess I find myself lying awake more often than not, wondering why the things I do are judged so terrible or even how or what am I going to do to find peace in my heart.

It makes me sad, though, that regardless of my age I'm still hitting the walls others are building around me.

It'd be nice if the first thing we were all taught was acceptance. To realize each person is unique and perhaps you view them as lazy, or a mess, or... I don't know, crazy... when in reality, they are just trying to survive, just like you.

[elizastjude]

Have you ever lied in bed and thought that this was really going to be it?

You are certain that you have done enough drugs, or perhaps, drank enough alcohol.... that you were not going to wake up in the morning?

I know, this has been my reality more than once.

I have found myself lying in bed begging God that I'd make it another day because I didn't have everything ready for my death. I'd think about where I hid my stuff. I thought about where I left razor blades, baggies, mirrors, my "stash".... I wondered, if I didn't wake up, what my family would say.

It's sad, isn't it? I mean... think hard about those thoughts I had.... they are actually pretty pathetic. I am certain, though, I am not alone.

I used to think that I was the only one that had gone through these things. I was certain that no one else was doing what I was doing, thinking the thoughts I had. The reality, the sad, sad reality, is that I am definitely not alone.

I could be writing this, these words, to tell you that I have changed. I could be writing to tell you that I no longer have those nights.

In fact, I would love to tell you that I will never live another night like that again. However, if I told you that, it would be a lie. A lie, like so many others that I have told my family, my friends, myself.

Drug use, I'm not talking about marijuana use, but hard drug use... it's a wicked cycle that comes straight from hell.

If you have the ability to free yourself from that cycle... I applaud the living "fuck" out of you. It's a hard thing to overcome.

Holding on to the truth, knowing that you are struggling and could probably use help, is not an easy reality.

I pray. I pray that someday I will gain the strength to let it go again. I pray that I can stop, again.

Right now, I just know that my reality is sad. My existence is a blessing and I need to quit before I really don't wake up.

[elizastjude]

Funny, knowing I was likely high when I wrote this, I forgot I had....

Nearly wrote the same thing last night.

You'd think I'd learn.

[elizastjude]

Love. I guess it means different things to people.

Don't try to love anyone. It's not worth the pain.

[elizastjude]

Here I am, just feeling so lost. I'm completely out of place here.

I guess when you settle for a relationship that is less than you deserve, you face challenges that leave you feeling alone and just downright terrible.

That's me right now.

[elizastjude]

I'm not sure where the right place is to empty my thoughts, but sometimes I feel like my brain gets so full it'll explode

[elizastjude]

4 years ago tonight it all changed.

[elizastjude]

Have you ever lied in bed and thought that this was really going to be it?

You are certain that you have done enough drugs, or perhaps, drank enough alcohol.... that you were not going to wake up in the morning?

I know, this has been my reality more than once.

I have found myself lying in bed begging God that I'd make it another day because I didn't have everything ready for my death. I'd think about where I hid my stuff. I thought about where I left razor blades, baggies, mirrors, my "stash".... I wondered, if I didn't wake up, what my family would say.

It's sad, isn't it? I mean... think hard about those thoughts I had.... they are actually pretty pathetic. I am certain, though, I am not alone.

I used to think that I was the only one that had gone through these things. I was certain that no one else was doing what I was doing, thinking the thoughts I had. The reality, the sad, sad reality, is that I am definitely not alone.

I could be writing this, these words, to tell you that I have changed. I could be writing to tell you that I no longer have those nights.

In fact, I would love to tell you that I will never live another night like that again. However, if I told you that, it would be a lie. A lie, like so many others that I have told my family, my friends, myself.

Drug use, I'm not talking about marijuana use, but hard drug use... it's a wicked cycle that comes straight from hell.

If you have the ability to free yourself from that cycle... I applaud the living "fuck" out of you. It's a hard thing to overcome.

Holding on to the truth, knowing that you are struggling and could probably use help, is not an easy reality.

I pray. I pray that someday I will gain the strength to let it go again. I pray that I can stop, again.

Right now, I just know that my reality is sad. My existence is a blessing and I need to quit before I really don't wake up.

[elizastjude]

At some point, you have to decide that you are going to stop for the night.

You have to realize that you're had enough.

It's sad, really, how many times you might find yourself begging God to allow you to make it until the next day.

Let me make this clear...

We don't deserve to keep going.

[elizastjude]

I started this blog at a time in my life when I was insanely using...

I should be ashamed of that, but instead I feel like I can look back and see all the thoughts that invaded my brain at that time.

I will not say that I've stopped using but I feel as though the way it affects me has changed dramatically.

I miss the way it triggered my imagination.

I miss the way it made me feel invincible.

Sad, isn't it?

I think the longer you use the less you enjoy the drug.

Maybe I'll stop.

... probably not but maybe.

[perfectfeelings]

“To love a person is to see all of their magic, and to remind them of it when they have forgotten.”

— Unknown

[perfeqt]

“It is quite foolish to hope you will reach your dreams while you are hanging onto people intent on pulling you down.”

— Dodinsky

[elizastjude]

5 days.

I was completely clean and sober for 5 days.

Then... life.

Addiction sucks.

[elizastjude]

5 days.

I was completely clean and sober for 5 days.

Then... life.

Addiction sucks.

[thoughtkick]

“Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can use them against you.”

— Tyrion Lannister

[perfectfeelings]

“I think that you find your own way. You have your own rules. You have your own understanding of yourself, and that’s what you’re going to count on. In the end, it’s what feels right to you … Not what anybody else tells you.”

— Meryl Streep

[perfectfeelings]

“The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”

— Sylvia Plath

[perfectfeelings]

“After all these years of bearing this pain alone, all I want is for you to hold me, and maybe put me back together again.”

— Sarah Doughty