look to your kingdoms;

Delilah Odelia Belvedere. 28. Heiress to an empire of cole and iron. Lady by day, Esmeralda by night. I'M COMING FOR THEM ALL.

[ellaesmeralda]

thesterlingmoran

If there was still a heaven waiting to open its gate’s for them, they were fairly certain that on the other side of those gates they would find Delilah waiting there for them, arms opened wide, smile on her lips, looking just as she was now, for this truly felt like something divine. It went even beyond all of the private moments of paradise they had shared before, because this was all truth. No more lies between them. Everything laid bare on the table. And yet they were both still choosing to try for something together, despite the challenges they would face, despite the risks. It was worth it all for a taste of heaven on Earth, they were certain she felt just the same way, and they were both determined for something greater, determined to make this unlike any of the stories. Neither of them were exactly what they were ever meant to be, after all.

The tweaking of the Bible verse made them laugh, their smile more real than it had been in the time since they had last spoken to her. Her arms wrapped around their neck, and they pulled her a little closer again, unable to stop touching her now that they had started doing so again.

“How could I ever disappointed with anything you give me?” they asked, fingers moving to her cheek, caressing lightly. “Rich English lady, or not, it doesn’t change everything we’ve shared. Like you said, Esmeralda is a part of you, and Sterling is a part of me. Everything I said to you is real, and I know that the same is true for you. I think perhaps it’s all even stronger now that we’re both able to be fully honest, now that we know both the light and dark of each other.”

The feeling of her fingers against their skin, tracing their features, memorizing them all over again now that they were truly acquainted, everything laid out on the table. Still, her question, telling them that she wanted to be with them in her home, made their heart speed up with excitement and anticipation. It was hard to believe this was all happening now, after so long dreaming of being able to truly know her, to be with her outside of the Moulin, that it almost didn’t feel real. Yet here she was, telling them she wanted to fall asleep with them in her own bed, to wake next to them, to have breakfast in the morning. To have something normal. She was right, it was hard to say what tomorrow would bring, but they could have this now, and leave the figuring out of reality for later. Now was a time to just be with each other.

“I cannot imagine leaving you, Delilah,” they said with a fond smile, unable to get over how beautiful her name felt on their lips, how beautiful it was to finally call her by it. “I want to wake up with my arms around you, I want you to be the first thing I see when I open my eyes. Can you believe all of this? I’ve dreamt of this for so long, and here we are now, standing in your home. Delilah and Stephen.”

Delilah had always been a practical woman. She had been raised to be. Everything she did, she analysed. Pros and cons, opportunities and threats. That was just how she lived her life; the safest way she could think of. Safety was something she needed as a business woman, especially when all her competitors were men. She couldn’t take too many risks. It was that kind of mentality what had led her to create Esmeralda - and perhaps it was partly thanks to Esmeralda that she had met Sterling. It was impossible for her to deny her rational half, because it was because of that she was there, standing in front of them, ironically ready to take the biggest risk of her life. They were going to be consequences, obviously. As much power her family had, she couldn’t just waltz into the next fundraiser gala with someone like Sterling besides her. It wouldn’t be long before someone found out about them, and even if they somehow managed to keep the circumstances of their meeting a secret, the fact that they were an american with a last name of no real consequence was enough to cause her reputation to fall. 

She couldn’t care less. 

That was definitely a thought she wasn’t used to having. She had everything to lose, and she was willing. “You must know one thing. If we do this, if we even manage to pull this off, there’s a solid chance I will lose everything I own. This home, my fortune, my job - everything. I know I sound like a safe bet right now, but you need to realise it’s very likely that by the end of this, I will be the one with nothing to offer you.” How frustrating it was that she had to warn them about this. If she had been a man, it wouldn’t have been a problem. However, Delilah had gotten too used to the unfairness of the world. “But you should also know that I’m very skilled. I have my own money. It’s not a lot, at least not like this, but I can make do. So even if we end up penniless, I will always have your back.” 

Perhaps it wasn’t the most romantic thing she could have said, but romance had never fed anyone. There was going to be time for grand gestures and poems. This was about knowing each other, every single bit that they had been hiding before - and this was who she was, practical, and willing to risk everything for love. 

“Delilah and Stephen.”, she repeated, fondness clear in her smile. One of her hands moved to her hair, and she undid her hairdo, letting the dark waves fall down her back. Slowly, she stood on her toes and kissed their lips softly; as if this was her first time doing it. In a way it was, she supposed. The kiss was brief, but confident, full of promise. “I love you, Stephen.”

[ellaesmeralda]

thesterlingmoran

Felling her body against theirs after the time without again felt a lot like coming home. They had thought that the Moulin Rouge was there home, but somewhere along the way she had become the place their heart wanted to rest. It wasn’t to say that that had changed, but it was such a new experience, to acknowledge that with another person was where their heart felt most at home, instead of in a place or in a group. One person. She had opened their eyes to things they hadn’t thought were possible for people like them to feel, and so easily, without even trying. 

They could feel her body relaxing into theirs, leaning into them, giving them some of her burden. They only wished that they could have gone back to change all that had happened to lead them to the need for this sort of reunion. To cause the pain, to cause the tears to roll down her cheeks, it made their heart ache. But here they were still, together, hearts still beating in time, bodies fitting together as no other had against theirs before. It was more proof that there was nothing that could stop the feelings they held for each other, that being without would give them nothing but an empty life. It was confirmation that it was all worth the risk of trying for the truth they had shared in private, all so that they might be allowed that little piece of their souls that lived in the other.

When she looked up at them again, it felt a lot like they were seeing her with new eyes. This was honesty, it was truth, not within the confines of their private fantasy, either, this was real. It was more than anything either of them had allowed themself to have together before. It was hope. And here she was, admitting so much to them, and it felt a lot like their eyes were opening truly for the first time in years, as they kept their arms around her. She had been engaged, but she, like many other upper class women, had come to terms with the loneliness of life full of expectations. But they had changed that, without meaning to, just as she had changed so much for them. “You don’t have to be lonely any longer,” they muttered, returning her tight grip, trying to make certain she knew they meant it. “I didn’t think people like me were meant to have anything so real, that we shouldn’t feel so much, that it couldn’t happen. And you proved me wrong. I’m glad I proved you wrong, too.”

Sterling couldn’t help but smile as she pulled back, tucking her hair behind her ear, regaining some of her pristine composure. Hearing her say their name, their real name, sent a chill through their body. No one had called them Stephen in nearly a decade, and to hear it from her felt divine; they would be content to only hear her say it for the rest of their life. They took her hand, and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of her hand, keeping it in their own even after, clinging onto her as she gave them her full name.

“Delilah. Del,” they repeated, nearly breathless from amazement. They were certain they’d never heard a more beautiful name in their life. “A good name is more desirable than great riches; to be esteemed is better than silver or gold. I like Delilah better than Esmeralda. Its beauty suits you.”

Delilah couldn’t have imagined how comforting it was going to be to hear them say her name, her real name. She had never even thought of a future where she was going to be able to tell them the truth, but here they were, exchanging introductions as if they didn’t know each other; as if they hadn’t explored ever inch of the other’s body and soul already. This was the beginning of something new, of a more hopeful prospect for them. If they could start fresh right now, maybe they did have a chance; perhaps the days to come didn’t have to be so miserable. It was possible that there was some truth in the words they had said before. She didn’t have to be lonely any longer.  

Their lips on her hand, and then their own hand taking it gently felt like an invitation. They were as willing as she was to see where this was going. It was going to be complicated, she was aware of that. The feelings now full blooming inside her chest didn’t overshadow her practical nature. She hadn’t forgotten that every single story between a patron and a courtesan had ended in disaster, she knew very well that in order for this to work, they were going to have to find a way to be the exception. But wasn’t she just that, already? Wasn’t she a woman doing business in a world ruled by men? Wasn’t she an English Rose turned rebel, choosing her path like no other could? There was no reason why this story had to be different. She had made impossible things work before, and she was going to do it again now. 

Hope could made a fool out of anyone, but it was also making her bolder. She offered them a wider smile, full of determination. Her free hand brushed away the rest of the tears she had spilled moments before. She had had her breakdown, now it was time to do what she always did - to pick up the pieces and move on. Only this time there was no need to do it alone, this time Sterling was there to help; and what was more important, she wanted them to do it. She wanted them by her side, whatever God had planned for the both of them. 

Their next words provoked a breathless laugh out of her. “The patron and the courtesan have this in common, the Lord is the maker of them all.” Smiling still, Delilah wrapped her arms around their neck, looking up at them. “Esmeralda is always going to be a part of me, just like Sterling is to you. Now we know everything about each other. Both the light and the dark side of the moon.”, she sighed. “Are you disappointed? Now that you know I’m just another rich English lady that wears pretty dressed and her hair up.” They had fallen for the extravagant woman that hired their services after all, so she wouldn’t blame them if they were. 

One of her hands moved slowly towards their face, her fingertips tenderly tracing their features - forehead, cheeks, lips, jaw - as if she was learning them all over again. “Would you stay with me tonight? I want to spend time with you, Stephen, here at home. I want to fall asleep with you, perhaps even eat breakfast in the morning. I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but I want  to have tonight for ourselves.”

[ellaesmeralda]

thesterlingmoran

They were well aware that none of this was fair. If they had been a better person, they would have left. They would have turned and walked out of the door, and never looked back. They would have gone on, as if they could ever possibly forget the love they felt for her; if they saw her in a store again, they would have walked by, not sparing another glance. If they had been better, they would have let the pain they caused stop when she had told them it was best that they left.

But they couldn’t.

Not as she went on, telling them all the things they knew were true, telling them that, no matter what had happened the last time they had spoken, she still felt so much for them. What a cruel world, for both of them, that there was no way to ignore it, to have the lives they had been made for. Or perhaps what a beautiful world, that despite what was expected, they had both been given something so pure, so divine in nature, a love that may have been reflected in God’s word, despite the circumstances that led to it. She asked what difference it all made, that they felt so much, and in their heart they wanted to shout all of the difference, all of it.

Tears rolled down her cheeks suddenly, her whole body shaking from the weight of the emotions, and they couldn’t hold back any longer. Sterling stepped forward, closing the gap between them, and wrapped their arms around her, holding her tightly against their chest, as if they might be able to keep her from breaking if only they hold her tightly enough.

“What if I tell you I’d do anything to take that chance? What if I told you that the chance at having something real with you would be worth losing everything I know, that it would be worth the risk of more pain, just for a little piece of heaven?” they said, voice full of certainty. Their heart beat rapidly against their chest, propelling them on. How could they stop now? “I have never felt anything more real than what I feel for you. I don’t care what you think I deserve, you’re what I want. Good or bad, I can’t help it, we can’t promise a happy ending, but we can have something happy along the way. Because I feel all of it, too; when I think of you, I feel happiness in a way that I’ve been told over and over again people who do what I do aren’t meant to.”

They paused for a second, one hand moving to stroke her hair lightly. An idea, an epiphany filled their mind, and before they could think the better of it, they kept on, pulling back slightly so they could look her in the eye. “Maybe we can start again. Maybe it’ll be easier if we start with honesty. Not as courtesan and patron. Just as two people,” they suggested, swallowing down the nerves, and committing to it all, “Lilah, I’m Stephen. And I’m so glad to finally meet you.”

She didn’t know why, but for a second she truly thought they were going to leave. If they wanted to break her heart like she had done in the past, this was the perfect chance to do it. Here she was, completely vulnerable, showing every bit of weakness she had. It was the perfect moment to turn back on her, to hurt her like she had done before, or even more. For a moment she really thought they were going to do just that. It was so typical of Delilah to expect the worst of people. It was something her father had taught her years ago - it won’t always be the worst case scenario, but make sure you’re ready for it nonetheless. 

Perhaps this was just it, her worst case scenario. She needed to start thinking of how her life was going to be now if they left - because if they did, it was going to be the end for anything they could have had. 

They didn’t, though. Not only that, but after a couple of seconds she could feel Sterling’s arms wrapping around her, holding her tight. It was as if she had been walking through the desert, desperate for water, and they were an oasis. They were the promised land after years of wandering aimlessly. Their embrace was the rewarded faith. It didn’t matter that she had doubted for a long time, it was still there; their hearts still beat as one. For the first time in weeks she let herself relax, leaning into their touch. Her body was exhausted, too tense, too broken for her to return the hug; so she allowed herself to get lost between their arms, burying her face in their chest as they touched her hair softly. 

“I’ve never felt anything like this before either.”, she almost whispered after a long moment, finally looking up at them and not pulling back. “In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything, not until you came along. I was raised to pretend, to negotiate, to be clever. Feelings were never part of that equation. All my life I thought being lonely was the best way for me to succeed. Even back when I was engaged, I knew I was going to spend my life alone regardless if I was sharing a bed with someone or not.” Delilah rested the side of her face on their chest once more, clinging onto them almost urgently. “That changed when I met you. The first night you held me, the things you said to me - it was so different and terrifying.”

Their next words definitely took her by surprise, but the sudden raw honesty between them brought a little smile to her face - the first sincere one since they had been together last. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear she pulled back, nodding slightly. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Stephen.”, she replied, voice a little weak still, as she extended her hand for them to shake. “I’m Delilah Belvedere. You can call me Del. Only my mother and posh society ladies call me Lilah, it’s not really worth it.” 

[ellaesmeralda]

thesterlingmoran

Her words stung more than they really should have, given how little they usually cared what other people thought of how they spent their money. But this was her, not just someone else. Sterling had always had a love of decadence, a love of luxurious but useless things, that stemmed from their childhood, the humble, bland childhood of a preacher’s son, and finding themself with enough money to have nearly anything they could want without worries had always made them want to use it. Never a thought of saving, because in their life, what was the point? The life of a courtesan was fleeting, there was little point of saving and scrimping when they felt certain they’d never have a life outside of this. They didn’t care what other people thought, but she wasn’t other people. And the sting of it only reminded them of all the other insults, just as accurate at this, that she had hurled at them during their last meeting. 

All they did in response was shrug lightly, fold their arms over their chest, as if it didn’t truly matter anyway, and purse their lips, trying, and for once failing, to keep their emotions from their face. This had been a mistake, they were realizing, they should have just walked past, should have let her live her life like she wanted, shouldn’t have forced their presence back on her when she had made it clear it was all over. But they couldn’t. It was impossible to ignore all they felt for her, it was impossible to forget all they had shared, how real it was. And seeing her again was just a reminder of everything they couldn’t forget. This was torture, though, being so close to her, but feeling the distance, knowing that hope had long been broken.

They were focusing all of their attention on not looking her in the eye, again, because it felt a lot like they wouldn’t be able to keep from wrapping their arms around her if they did. She had stepped closer to them, and their heart beat even faster in response. Still, it was a shock when she grabbed their hand, this time gentler, and started off, leading them down the street, away from the store. Their heart raced in their chest, breath fast, wondering where she was taking them. They couldn’t have guessed it would be here, though, because as soon as she ushered them inside of the apartment, the butler dismissing himself, they realized where they were. Her home.

Sterling was almost too astonished, too busy looking around at the beautiful apartment, imagining her life there, even the most mundane things infinitely interesting and magical now, to hear what she said. Her voice uttering their name with such desperation, though, shook them out of their stupor, and they looked back at her. 

“I’m… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, but I couldn’t. I tried to let it be, I was letting it be, but seeing you again, it felt like one last chance to say even a few words to you, to see you, even if for a split second. So I had to say something. Because no matter how hard I try, no matter how much you think you have nothing to offer me, you still hold my heart in your hands. And I can’t stop that. I’m sorry,” they said quietly, looking at her, their face full of sadness.

Every single word coming out of their mouth made it worse and worse. How was she supposed to resist? How could she stay whole when all they were saying seemed to be specifically designed to break her will? She could feel her walls crumbling, her heart beating frantically; all of a sudden it was harder and harder to breathe. Sterling claimed they couldn’t stop what they felt for her, but what about what she felt about them? Who did they think they were to come here and ruin everything she had been trying to do so far? You don’t have the right, she wanted to say, to make me love you like this when I’ve spent so much time trying to erase everything we shared. But she couldn’t. Everything that had been left unsaid was like a cage surrounding her, iron bars made of truths suffocating her. Delilah was fearless, she was bold, and yet her hands were starting to shake as Sterling kept speaking. 

“What do you want me to say?”, she asked, her pain clear in her voice. “That I feel the same way? That the nights I shared with you were the realest thing that ever happened to me? That you’re still my first thought every day when I wake up, and the last face in my mind when I go to sleep?” Delilah inhaled sharply, trying to keep herself together. It was too late, though. She could feel the tears starting to dampen her eyes, the knot of sadness climbing up her throat. 

“What difference would it make? Things would still be the same. I could tell you how I feel about you, how my heart shattered when you told me you had been with someone else. How I can barely stand the thought of you sleeping with other people even if I know that’s your job. Would it change anything? You’re still a courtesan, and I’m a patron. We can’t have anything real. I could ruin you, I could hurt you. You might as well go back to the Moulin Rouge and try to start something new with Annette, or someone else. You deserve better, and that’s not me.”

Finally the tears started rolling down her cheeks, her whole body shaking. It was the first time she had cried in front of anyone that wasn’t her butler. Perhaps that should alarm her, make her realise how much of a fraud her life was. What kind of woman was she that couldn’t express emotion? A woman that needed to break down completely in order to show some vulnerability. It didn’t matter now. All she wanted was for them to hold her, to tell her everything was going to be all right, to assure her that nothing had changed. However, what she had told them before was true. There was nothing she could offer. Not even with all her fortune she could make sure whatever they tried wouldn’t end in disaster. 

[ellaesmeralda]

thesterlingmoran

It would’ve been easier if they weren’t so completely mesmerized by seeing her like this, seeing her how she was when she was Lilah, and not Esmeralda, just another upper class woman out in Paris with her other rich lady friends. Something so completely different than what she had been every time they had been with her in the Moulin, but still someone just as beautiful and intriguing. There had always been the fear that maybe when they found out who she really was, the feelings would change, that somehow in the process of building a fantasy for her, they had created a fantasy for themself. But this was just proof that it wasn’t true. For if anything seeing her again, hearing her name, and being near her as she was made the feelings grow tenfold.

Which made the pain even worse, knowing that they had ruined all of it by being too afraid of their own feelings, by trying to run from the truth, instead of fighting for something real.

Her hand on their arm, as rough as it was, send a wave of something unidentifiable through their body, heart beating as if it was trying to escape their chest. It was all of the memories they had shared, wrapped up in one simple touch of an arm, and all of the pain that came from knowing it was over, just in that touch as well. It made them want to try again, to beg her for another chance to prove themself, to prove that they could be better and that they would fight for it the right way this time, that they were done running, but they knew they couldn’t. Their last conversation had just been confirmation that it was all over, and the way she had disappeared from the Moulin just asserted that fact. They might’ve still felt so much for her, but they would never force her into more pain, after everything they did.

Her words too them by surprise, though, in more way than one, and for a split second they weren’t sure they were hearing her right.

“You know how much I’m paid, of course I can afford places like this. I bought this suit with my own money, too, if you can believe,” they said, a look of nearly amused confusion washing over their face. It hurt them to realize that she was offering to pay them off so that they wouldn’t tell anyone who she was, when the last thing on their mind was hurting her, when even just seeing her again, holding the knowledge of her name in their heart felt like enough to sustain them for a long time without.

“You don’t have to pay me anymore,” Sterling frowned, shaking their head. “I’ve already hurt you enough. You had two separate lives, why would I begrudge you that? We all ended up at the Moulin for the chance to be something we can’t be outside of its walls. Whatever it is you’ve worked for since you were a little girl, I’m not going to ruin it. I’ve already ruined enough for you. I’d never dream of telling anyone what I heard.”

There was a little frown painted on her features at their words, and she didn’t know why. The last thing she needed was to meddle in Sterling’s financial affairs. If they wanted to spend their coin in a pretentious, overpriced patisserie; then that was their choice and she had no say in it. Nonetheless, there was something about money gone to waste that had always peeved her, especially when it came to people she cared about. Because that was the thing; she cared about then still. It didn’t matter how long it had been, how badly they had hurt her, what she felt about them wasn’t something that she could forget about overnight - even though she had tried to. That was the reason her heart was beating so fast, the reason why for what probably was the first time in her life, she was fumbling with words, unsure of what to say. She needed to get out of there, she knew as much; and yet she couldn’t bring herself to do it, not before talking to them, perhaps finding out somehow if they still felt the same way. 

“I know how much you’re paid, and I know you have the money. I just didn’t think you’d spend it on something like this.” Her words sounded judgemental, and they were. Perhaps that wasn’t the way to treat the person she had been pretty much dreaming about the last couple of weeks, but she couldn’t help a little bit of bitterness to taint the conversation. After all, what they had done still hurt, very much like the first moment they had confessed what had happened - so shortly after their declaration of love. 

You don’t have to pay me anymore, they replied, and despite knowing what they were talking about, the words suddenly took a new meaning. Money wasn’t a thing between them any longer, no matter what she did. They were two people now, talking on the street. She wasn’t a patron, and they weren’t a courtesan, just like she had always fantasised during their nights together. It felt as if they were saying that from now on, whatever they decided to do, this wasn’t going to be a business arrangement. This was real, they were real. No masks, no lies; just two people, and a second chance. 

Was she going to take it? 

The realisation of what was happening, of what she still felt, was almost too much to handle. She felt like her corset was suffocating her again. It was then that she realised she had taken a couple of steps closer to them without noticing. Their next words only intensified her sensations, and she suddenly felt the urge to cry; to break down in the middle of the street, to kick the thoroughly crafted house of cards she had built around herself. She couldn’t do it in public, though. She still had a reputation, she was Delilah Belvedere and she couldn’t afford a scandal. But she didn’t want them to leave, she was terrified of being alone, terrified of losing them.  

Without saying a word she took their hand, a little gentler this time, and dragged them across the streets. She stayed quiet, guiding them forward without looking back. She was afraid of what would happen if she dared to talk out loud right now. Fortunately her apartment was nearby, and the second she opened the door, her butler excused himself to leave them alone. 

“Why, Sterling?”, she asked, voice filled with something close to desperation. “Why do you say those things? Why did you even talk to me back then? Why can’t you just let it be? Don’t you realise I’ve got nothing to offer you?”

[ellaesmeralda]

thesterlingmoran

They could see all of their own questions and fears reflected on her face in the moment they quietly greeted her before going to the counter, the gasp a sign that she was just as surprised as they were. It hurt their heart to see the fear on her face, they they could cause just by being near. Perhaps it was justified; after all, their last meeting had been anything but kind, and it would have been easy enough to extract some kind of sick revenge now by telling her lady friends where they knew each other from and what they did together there. But they never wanted to hurt her anymore than they already had. So they went to the counter, trying not to look back again, but unable to ignore the conversation even as they ordered several pastries to take back with them.

And something struck them almost immediately.

Lilah. In that moment they had never heard a word so important or beautiful as that. Her real name was Lilah, or some form of it. The realization hit them square in the chest, taking their breath away for a second, to the point where they had to put a hand on the counter to keep themself from stumbling. Somehow, it was the most beautiful name they had ever heard, and they hated themself for thinking that first, before anything else. How easily they had just stumbled upon the information they had searched weeks and weeks for in the time the Moulin was closed. But they could do nothing with it now. Nothing but dream of holding her again, whispering her true name under their breath as they prayed for her.

When Sterling turned back, bag of goodies in hand, it had been their intention to walk straight out of the place, but it was impossible not to look at her again, not to meet eyes. And strangely enough, her look told them that she wanted to speak. If their heart hadn’t been racing before, now it felt as if it might burst from their chest. They followed after her a few seconds later, as if in a daze, completely unaware of anything but her.

They didn’t know what to expect, but they weren’t expecting her question to be that, of all the things she might’ve asked. A little part of them couldn’t help but feel disappointed, although they knew they had no right to feel so, given what they had done to break her heart.

“I just… I came to pick up a few pastries. Someone recommended this place to me, and I was out shopping, so I thought I’d stop in… I had no clue you were here, or I wouldn’t have bothered you, I promise,” they said, voice hushed although they knew that her friends couldn’t hear them.

Even though summer was nearing, Delilah still felt a chill down her spine the second they saw them walk out of the door towards her. There was no way her friends were going to follow her, too busy and enthralled with their own lives and gossip to even care about what was happened to her, but still she grabbed their arm before they could even respond and pulled them to the side of the store. In her eyes there was sheer panic, and her heart was beating frantically. She would have liked to say it was only due to fear, but that would have been a blatant lie. She was seeing them for the first time since everything, they were face to face now, and she could almost feel her heart shrinking in pain, and something much worse, hope. 

Of course they hadn’t been following her or anything. As much as she wanted to believe it, Sterling wasn’t like that. It would have been easier to convince herself that they were indeed a bad person, like she had told them the last time they had been together; that they wanted to hurt her. However, she had had a moment to reflect since then, and she had realised she had been blinded by her own anger. What they had done was awful, that much was true. They had shattered her heart, they had been selfish, perhaps a little bit cruel; but their intentions had been good. It had been a mistake, one that they had immediately admitted in hopes of her forgiving them and start anew. 

But she had stepped all over that hope. 

It pained her to recognise she regretted it. Especially now that they were standing in front of her. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around their neck and kiss them like she hadn’t been able to the last couple of weeks. She couldn’t, obviously, not right now - at least not until they had cleared things up, that she made sure they were going to say anything about her real identity, the people she surrounded herself with, her real name. 

“I know you weren’t following me, Sterling.” Delilah crossed her arms, pursing her lips briefly, completely at a loss of what to say. The wisest thing would have been to demand them to stay quiet and leave, but she didn’t want the conversation to end. 

“I wasn’t aware dancers at the Moulin Rouge could afford this place.” Wrong way to start the conversation. She shifted uncomfortably in her place. “Listen, I- we need to talk, all right? Whatever you heard in there, whatever you think you know, you can’t tell anyone about it. I know our last encounter wasn’t ideal, but I can make it up to you if you want. I’ll pay any amount you need, just promise you won’t say anything.”, she sighed. “It could ruin everything for me. All I’ve ever worked for since I was a little girl.”

[w-hitefawn]

[ellaesmeralda]

w-hitefawn :

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[ellaesmeralda]

thesterlingmoran

Life went on. Even if they didn’t want it to. Time moved forward, and the world turned as if nothing had ever happened. The first few times they had seen her in the Moulin, eyes locked across the main room, they had felt their heart shatter over and over again. It was impossible not to find her, no matter how hard both of them tried not to see each other. And then she had just stopped appearing. Sterling had told themself it was for the best for her; no more heartache, she could move on with her life, find someone who wouldn’t let her down, someone who could give her a real future. The pain was still there, though, the longing for her.

But they were trying. Today’s distraction was a trip out into the world to buy a few things, and to try a new place that one of their clients had recommended to them. It wasn’t rare to be stared at when they went out into Paris. Their clothing was extravagant in a way only truly appropriate for a club, and no matter how long they had been in Paris, somehow the French were still able to sniff out someone foreign just by the way they walked. It was something they were used to by now, and the eyes they felt on them as they entered the bakery were no different.

Or they weren’t different, until they heard whispers of English and their eyes travelled to the group of women looking at them with fascination. And there she was. No matter how completely different she looked now, in the daylight, dressed as a proper, upper class lady of Paris, there was no mistaking Esmeralda. Or whoever she was when she wasn’t Esmeralda.

Fight or flight. The instinct was flight, but their eyes locked before either of them could look away, and it was too late to run. There had already been silent acknowledgement, but Sterling wasn’t sure what to do now. The table she and her friends were sat at was in the path to the counter, and they could feel their heart beating frantically as they made the choice. Just walk past, order something to go, and get the hell out of there as quickly as possible.

The plan changed when they were near, though, unable to ignore her, no matter how hard they tried. “Bonjour, mademoiselle,” they offered quietly, unable to keep their eyes from trailing over her, taking in every detail they had missed. It was only a brief pause, a brief second, before they came to their sense again, gave a little nod and started off toward the counter again, cursing themself for saying anything to her, reminding her of the pain.

Delilah wasn’t a woman that usually felt intimidated or overwhelmed. She had been prepared all her life not to do just that. Being a business woman in a country where there was none was a difficult task, almost monumental. She wouldn’t have gotten anywhere if she had been easily scared. But after all these years it looked like she had finally run into a situation that was too much, even for her. The realisation of what was happening, what could happen after this, came crashing down and her face suddenly turned pale. Who knew what Sterling was feeling towards her right now? They would be right to hate her, she had broken their heart after all. Were they capable of exposing her right there and then? Whatever they mentioned, even the slightest thing, could mean her ruin. 

For a second it looked like Sterling was going to avoid her altogether, and her stomach sunk with a mix of relief and disappointment. They walked by, seemingly not affected by her presence, and she averted her gaze the other way, no matter how strong the pull to look at them again was. However, their voice and the casual greeting caused her to gasp involuntarily. She only nodded in return, before turning to her friends. 

Unfortunately the change of attitude and the little exchange hadn’t gone unnoticed. “Lilah, dear, do you know him? You should introduce us!” Mrs. Greerwood seemed way too excited, and almost too eager to learn some gossip as well. Great, now Sterling knew her name as well. It didn’t take her long to realise she needed to take some drastic measure if she wanted to prevent any disaster from happening. “I’m afraid I don’t, Lorna. I’m guessing the greeting was a matter of mere courtesy.” The answer didn’t satisfy the woman’s curiosity. “All the better then! You should go an introduce yourself! Come on child, you’re single, but you won’t be for too long. This could be your last chance for a little flirtation- and just look at that! You should take it!”

Delilah chuckled, brushing off Mrs. Greerwood’s words. However, she could feel her corset suffocating her from under her dress. She needed to leave, and soon; and she needed to tell Sterling to forget about all this. After a couple of seconds she managed to catch their eye again, sending them a very obvious meet me outside look.

“My friends, I’m so sorry to do this, but I’m afraid I’m going to have to leave you. It seems I’ve eaten a lot of pastries and I’m feeling quite nauseated. I’ll go call for a carriage outside, but please stay here. You’ll tell me everything tomorrow at dinner.” With an everlasting polite smile, Delilah stood up and stepped outside. As expected, Sterling followed. 

“What are you doing here?”

[crystalreedgif]

Crystal Reed - Interview GHOSTLAND

[ellaesmeralda]

♠ @thesterlingmoran

It had been a while since she had last stepped into the Moulin Rouge. After her talk with Sterling she had tried to go there for a couple of nights, if only to get a drink and forget about everything. However, running into them in one way or another had proved impossible to avoid. In the end, Delilah had accepted the fact that that was their place, and that she had no business there anymore, not after what had happened between them. 

She had stopped going. She had focused on her job, she had written a ton of letters to her parents, she had gone out with her friends by day, and with different suitors her mother recommended during the night, and she had led the life she was meant to; without complaint, carrying her broken heart wherever she went. What else was she supposed to do? She was a Belvedere, she couldn’t just let love make her fall apart. 

It was a nice afternoon for tea. A couple of her English friends who were vacationing in Paris had called for her in order to go try one of the new places in town. It had been built by a famous Italian baker, according to the rumours. In all honesty, Delilah couldn’t care less, but she needed the distraction. 

“Oh dear, you definitely don’t find people like that in England.”, one of her friends whispered, pointing at the front door of the place with her head. Suddenly the four women seemed fascinated by whatever or whoever had walked in. Delilah rolled her eyes and turned around, but the shock almost made her drop her cup of tea. 

What was Sterling doing there? 

Blinking a couple of times, she quickly turned back to her friends, but she knew it was too late. They had seen her, she had seen them. They knew she was there. Fuck, they practically knew who she was.

[youdontknowish]

NEW MUSIC: Maroon 5 - “Wait”

[ellaesmeralda]

thesterlingmoran

There were few times in their life that they had felt quite so hopeless. In fact, they could count those moments on one hand. The moment after their father had caught them with the Sunday school teacher, when he and their mother had disowned them from their old life. The moment when they realized they weren’t just being shipped off to New York, when they realized they were being taken into the unknown. And now, as she looked at them with hatred, as she reminded them that they had been selfish, that they didn’t deserve forgiveness, that they had ruined every last chance at a real future together.

They hated the way that they felt the warm tears start to fall, bitter and guilty, as she stepped closer to them; they couldn’t even make themself reach up to wipe them away, the deserved the embarrassment that crept up their spine, when only days ago it might’ve been a comfort to share such vulnerability with her. Her words hit them at their core, though, even now proving that she could see them better than anyone else, seeing so clearly just how to cause them pain. But the difference was they deserved it. Every word, every cold look she spared them, they deserved. Hell, they deserved worse, in their own mind.

Love lost, a future without hope, spent entirely alone. They deserved it all.

There were no words that could form on their lips to change any of this, no words their mind might come up with to salvage even an ounce of what they had had, what they had somehow destroyed so easily, without realizing it. When they managed to speak, their voice wavered, thick with tears and pain, as they looked anywhere but in her eyes, ashamed.

“You’re right. I’m…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry… I let you down. I’m sorry I was so selfish…I’m sorry I took your love away…” they trailed off, knowing it was hopeless. They couldn’t look at her anymore, because looking at her would mean it was all really over, seeing more of that hatred in her eyes would just confirm that they had ruined it all. They tried to remind themself that maybe it was for the best, to let her go, to let her find something uncomplicated, proper, someone to love who she could have a real future with, but they couldn’t think of that in this moment. Yet they knew couldn’t stay, couldn’t cause her more pain than they already had.

“I should just… I’ll leave you be.”

The words lingered in the air, just as they lingered near the door, as if this was their last hope, that she might tell them to stop, tell them that maybe she could forgive them, with time. Hand on the doorknob, bun unable to force themself to open the door, to leave behind all of the love they felt for her, the love that they had broken.

Delilah closed her eyes, partly because she needed a second of peace, but also because she didn’t want to see them cry. She knew their tears were going to break her, they were going to make her realise how cruel she was being, how badly she had hurt them. If someone had told her a couple weeks ago that she was going to be the cause of this scene, of Sterling crying in front of her, she wouldn’t have believed them. She could never harm them like that. And yet, here they were, destroying each other like they had always feared they would. Then again, no one could have anticipated they were going to be the one to betray her. Not when they had been the one to look for her, the emotional one. 

Perhaps that was the key to understand this. The fact that she was the one to repress her feelings, that while she was guided by her brain, Sterling listened to their heart. She could feel her body starting to shake. She was going to cry any second now, and she didn’t want them to see. She knew what would happen if she did. They were going to walk up to her, hug her, comfort her, and she wasn’t going to be able to run from what she was feeling anymore. 

They talked, but Delilah tried her best not to hear. Yes, they were selfish, and yes, they had let her down; but they hadn’t taken her love away. At this point, she was starting to believe there was no way anything could do that. Sterling was a thorn, deeply buried in her heart. A thorn that had come from the sweetest rose, white painted red because of the blood that had been spilt between them.

Just like that they were leaving. Slowly, as if they were hoping for her to stop them. They probably were, but she couldn’t. Even if a part of her was begging her to. 

“Yes, Sterling. You should leave.”

It was all she could say, before turning around and hiding her face behind her hands, as the tears started to roll down her cheeks. 

[theblogcold]

[afuckingterrible-deactivated202]

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“Wish I’d forget you, but you’re here to stay. It seems I met you when my love went away. Now, every morning, I start by saying to you, ‘Good Morning, heartache, what’s new?’”

[naive-personality]

[ellaesmeralda]

thesterlingmoran

The difference in her was palpable. Whatever she was outside of these walls, they were finally getting a glimpse of it, but they hated that it had to be like this, that it had taken them ruining everything they were building to finally see some of who she was when she wasn’t Esmeralda. They could build an image in their mind of who she really was. Certainly a lady of wealth, but that was already apparent by the amount she spent on them; this was more than that. She was intense, cold in a way they hadn’t seen, someone to take charge of any situation, and take what she wanted. If they hadn’t felt near tears, they might’ve found it very attractive to finally see a glimpse of who she was out in the world.

“I owe you everything,” they insisted before they could think. Now was the time, though, wasn’t it? Now was their one chance to get everything out in the open, to allow themself to realize just how much she had done for them, how much she meant, and to tell her that themself, even if there was no hope of the future they had imagined building with her any longer. It felt like they might burst if they couldn’t tell her, at least so she knew, even if this was the end.

Sterling paused for a second, swallowing down the desire to fall apart, and tried to make their thoughts clear.

“You’ve given more to me than I even thought was possible,” they said, shaking their head slightly. “When I was taken from Boston, shipped away to a place I’d never even dreamed of completely alone, abandoned even by God, I thought I’d lost all chance at a future, at the sort of feelings my parents always spoke about. And you proved me wrong without even trying to. I feel more for you than I thought someone like me could still feel. This might’ve started as a job, but it’s not that anymore with you.”

They took a deep, shuddering breath, realizing more and more just how hopeless it was, how meaningless that all sounded given what they had done, how they had tried to run from the truth. But they still had to keep going. “I’m not asking you to fight; this was never a competition. But what we built is far past what it’s meant to be, you know that as well as I do. This is me trying to fight for you, but all I can do now is offer you truth. Even if it’s too late,” they said, voice wavering as they went on, as it all started to sink in. 

It’s too late.

Despite her efforts, they kept talking. They kept offering truth, reveals that would have moved her to the verge of tears had they happened at an earlier time. They spoke about Boston, about God, about feeling hopeless, about parents who loved each other; they spoke about a life before the Moulin Rouge. Sterling was giving her every peace of the puzzle, hoping that this honest would serve as proof of their devotion to her. It was probably information few people knew about, it wasn’t something anyone would share with a patron. Delilah felt her will trembling. How easy it would be to just let go, to soften her cold stare and run to their arms, forgive them, allow them to convince her of how deep their feelings were. He was going to be able to, she had no doubt. It wasn’t their emotions Delilah didn’t believe in, it was the way they had acted in order to make sure of them. 

It was selfish, to hurt people in the wake of a realisation. What a couple days ago would have sounded like one of the most beautiful declarations of love, now sounded like cheap manipulation. She had never imagined she was going to feel that way about Sterling, but they had brought it on themself. 

“Is this your way of fighting for me? Better ask for forgiveness, not permission? Poor Sterling, you still don’t understand. Forgiveness is divine, but I’m not the goddess you claim to worship. I’m human; and you should have known that before you decided you had to fuck someone else so you could realise how much you wanted me.” It was enough, she knew. If she hadn’t crushed any hope they had left, this was it. However, words kept coming to her, burning up her throat like poison, with the intent of hurting. It was about pain now, about the pain that was consuming her, hidden behind the icy eyes that stared at them with disdain now. 

“You’re right. Perhaps it wasn’t a job anymore. But you just turned it into one.” For the first time since they had entered the room, she stood up, taking a few steps towards them, her gaze never leaving theirs. “You needed to fuck up to realise how much you care about me, well - maybe I needed you to fuck up to realise what a piece of shit you are.” Delilah looked down at her feet for a second, trying to re gain her composure, begging herself not to cry, not now, just a moment longer. 

“It’s a shame, Sterling, a real shame. Two beautiful women wasted on you.”

[daily-supergirl]