Hi Elle, happy Sunday! I know you didn’t ask for advice on the whole Tanner situation and I also know none of us truly know you, your life, relationships, etc. That being said, I still felt a little pull to send a message to you as someone who’s a few years older and has gone through similar things in a different way. Please don’t feel any pressure to respond!!
You are genuinely such a treasure on tumblr yes, but really just in general. You’re not afraid to be judged, to get it wrong, to say you’re figuring it out and that is so rare nowadays! You’re also an incredibly smart and beautiful woman.
Reading through your posts, thoughts, musings about your situation with Tanner, I’d really like to share what it looks like outside looking in with absolutely no judgement whatsoever. Your relationship with Tanner seems to be very all over the place, very difficult at times, filled with love or similar feelings to love, and truthfully pretty toxic overall. I was in a relationship like that for 4 years, so trust me, I get it. When I found out my own horrible things he was doing for most if not all of our relationship, I somehow was incapable of letting go. And I almost ruined my life because of it. I literally trespassed into his rental at the time, insane, I know. I had a come to Jesus moment with myself or maybe Jesus actually sat me down I’m honestly not sure lol and showed me how absolutely insane I was being trying to hold onto someone who clearly hurt me and was not thinking about me when he was doing what he was doing. And that’s my point I’m making here. In that locker room chat, Tanner knew he was dating a woman of color. He knew you came FROM a woman of a color. And he did not think of you or at least it didn’t show because he never thought you’d read that chat. And THAT is where the problem lies.
Or, if he was just saying those things to fit in and doesn’t really believe them. That tells you a lot about his character doesn’t it? He can’t go against his buddies’ beliefs because he’s the only one who thinks differently? A true man would stand up for what was right, even if he’s the only one (which is of course a lot easier said than done, but still). Especially if it affects his girlfriend whom he loves so much, right?
A man truly and I mean truly worth your time, love and affection thinks of you in any and everything and I mean that. No matter if you’re going to see it or not. Take it from someone who went from dealing with a horrible person / situation to meeting her amazing husband a year and a half later after I fully let go of said situation. A husband who told her he was going to marry her after the second date and proposed a little after a year of dating. A man who loves you would never and I mean ever put you in any situation that will hurt you, and he will think of you and defend your name (your honor if you will) in rooms you are not in.
Like I said, I genuinely know how much it hurts to not be with someone you love so much whether they did you wrong or not. But you have to love yourself more. You have to. Or else you will end up wasting a majority of your youthful years on a man who is just plain not worth it. That is one thing I admire about you, you still put yourself out there and live when life smacks you in the face romantically or just in general. But still, part of you would still be wasting your youth and the love you have to give, if that makes sense.
The last thing I’ll say regarding his racial comments (and said very gently, about all the other issues that’s presented themselves based off your renditions ❤️), is think forward to if you stay with him, get married, have kids eventually if that’s something you decide you want. You then have bi-racial kids. Whose father at one point very clearly thought and called people with their skin color and half of their heritage not very nice things. How horrible would that make them feel about who they are? I’m sure Tanner didn’t think about that, but I think that proves the point even more. Or, just looking at the marriage. You’re married to someone who couldn’t even defend you in a group chat. What happens if one day a racist man calls you a horrible name at a Costco while grocery shopping together?
Last thing for real this time is please, please don’t confuse having sparks with true, genuine love. If all you have is sparks, you’ll eventually just be left with a fire. Love genuinely is so sweet, so gentle and calm. Your nervous system truly rests. When women find a love like that, that’s why people say they’re glowing.
I genuinely wish you all the best and I hope none of this comes off as mean or judgmental, that is never my intention! I just wish someone sat down and told me these things when I was dealing with my own Tanner. And truthfully Elle, if they had, I’m not sure if I would have listened. But I do pray you decide to. Because you are absolutely everything and you deserve everything in return. Flowers and gifts and fancy dinners are great, but it’s nothing compared to a love where you’ve always felt safe, loved and thought of, even amidst the struggles life inevitably brings.
Thank you so much for this, Anon. I feel the thought and care behind your message, and I’m especially grateful that you shared it without any judgment.
What’s crazy is that I went to church yesterday and heard a sermon that gave me a deep sense of peace and clarity about my situation. Reading your message now feels like a confirmation of that. I truly believe God can speak through people, and your words really do affirm that.
Thank you again for taking the time to write this and share your experience. I am incredibly grateful. 🤍
