Ellie.

If you're here and you know you shouldn't be because you've invaded my privacy, I would appreciate it if you stopped reading this out of respect to me. But if you're here because you need to be, I hope you get something out of it.

[ellieaine]

07/05/21

I looked out the window today during my driving lesson and imagined myself opening the car door and jumping off the bridge, falling to the ground. I am so stressed out by choices I have to make right now that I am having suicidal ideation again and its horrible. All that is repeating in my head is ‘I want to die’ and I have no one to talk to about it. 

[ellieaine]

I've been okay so far with this whole lockdown thing but now it's just hit me. The numb tired sadness has hit me. The I don't want to live life has hit me.

[ellieaine]

I’m so tired of being told to talk to people, to open up because when I do ‘it’s too much’.

[ellieaine]

I don't see the point in anything anymore. I'm so tired of being here

[ellieaine]

I spent the whole day crying in bed and fighting myself. But I'm still here and I won.

[ellieaine]

I just don’t want to be here anymore. everyone would be better off with me gone. 

[ellieaine]

I don’t think there has ever been a day in the past 8 years of my life that the thought of killing myself hasn’t entered my mind. What is wrong with me. 

[ellieaine]

I’m still not sure if I was actually trying to kill myself or if I wanted to get so close that I knew for certain if I wanted to die. A lot happened and I still can’t process any of it. It doesn’t feel real. Paramedics coming for me doesn’t feel real. Me taking them one by one without thinking doesn’t feel real. I don’t know how to move on from here. I don’t know how to get over this. 

[ellieaine]

i don’t know whats going on with me. I feel a billion emotions at the same time. I feel sad and angry and confused. I don’t know what to do

[ellieaine]

I don’t want to be here

[ellieaine]

I feel lost, like I can’t breathe without thinking about wanting to end it all. 

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

Please reblog, this is so important.

[notoriousthuggg]

I needed this

[amuseinherfeels]

Is this foreal?

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

Yes it’s a real service. I do volunteer work for a rape crisis support service in my city and texting is one of the features we provide as well. But just to boost its credibility, I tried it myself:

[thatdiva]

reblog to save lives!

[espressokisses]

You can also text “Steve” to 741741 if you’re a young person of color. The website for more info is stevefund.org

My understanding is that it’s more multicultural and some folks feel more comfy with that in mind!

[miseducatedmelanicmuse]

^^^^^THIS

[bookishwiccan]

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT.

[tinyyyraindroppp-deactivated201]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ellieaine]

1st May

I feel sad again. I walked slower in front of moving cars today. I isolated myself. 

[ellieaine]

19/04/2018

Yesterday a switch flipped in me and I self harmed for the time in at least a year, I don’t know why I did it, I had no reason. I just knew that was what I had to do and once I did it, I knew I’d done something stupid. This is different though, I know I’m not going to do it again tonight or tomorrow, I know I just have to accept that it happened and now there are consequences that I will deal with. This is just a blip, it’s not the start of something that could destroy me again. It’s ok. 

[ellieaine]

I am scared that I will never have children or fall in love. 

[ellieaine]

30/10/17

My mood is dropping every day now.

[ellieaine]

I am in a constant state of fear.