seen the side of every road
matty healy + teen!daughter!reader
summary: life on tour with your dadâs band isnât what you imagined it would be like, and you canât hide it from Matty for long
notes: hey hey hey, I hope you enjoy & pls submit requests if you have any, id love to write your ideas <3
(warnings: mental health issues & depression)
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It was school break and you were touring America with your dad's band. It was the first time since primary school that you were fully traveling with him. It was supposed to be the best summer of your life. Only everything just felt different.
All you could focus on was the noise: the pitchy screams, the cramped buses, the inconsistencies, the quick pace of it all. What used to feel free and exciting, now left you grasping for something to hold onto.
"Hi darling." Matty smiled at you as you came into the band's dressing room backstage.
The show started in an hour. Two people hovered around Matty, handing him his ironed button-up and checking his earpiece.
âHi.â You mumbled, pushing past and collapsing onto the couch in the corner, arms crossed as you sank into the cushions.
Ross was in the armchair beside you, standing to finish getting ready. You glanced up when he held an open pack of sour candy toward you.
"I left you the blue ones." He said and put his hand on the top of your head to gently brush down your hair before walking off.
"Thanks." You looked down at the candy, all your favorite flavor, but the smell was only making you queasy. You put them to the side with a frown.
You looked down at your phone, scrolling through your feed, seeing all your friends from home post. You rolled your eyes at the pictures of all of them hanging out again while you were gone. You looked through each of their instagrams with a frustrated sigh.
"You eat anything real from the catering or just those gummies?" Matty came over to stand over you while he finished tying his tie.
You glanced up at him for half a second with an annoyed squint before looking back to your phone.
"Hello?" He tilted his head. "I know I'm not as interesting as block blast, but you could at least answerâ"
"I already ate when you were busy."
"Yes. Can you leave me alone? You're not being funny."
He let out a disbelieving scoff. You weren't usually so overtly rude, even with how withdrawn you've been recently. You felt his eyes on you and knew he was trying to figure out what was going on.
"Are you alright?" He dropped his teasing attitude. You felt him sit down on the couch.
"Just go finish getting ready." You spoke curtly, still not looking up from your phone.
"I'm done getting ready." He paused, just staring at you. "Can you put down the phone for two seconds?"
You groaned and took your time doing nothing in particular before dropping it into your lap dramatically.Â
"Hi." His eyebrows were raised and pulled together.
"What?" You scrunched your face up in annoyance.
"I'm just trying to talk to you. Did something happen?" He seemed hesitant.
"No, nothingâdon't you have to go?"
"I have time, what's up?"
"I'm... Nothing. Really." You shrugged, closing in on yourself as your pitch raised defensively. You knew he didn't really have time for this.
"C'mon, something's bothering you."
"How would you even know? I haven't seen you all day." You mumbled while fidgeting with the arm of the couch.
"I think you're making it pretty obvious now with this attitude." He raised his brows at you, unimpressed.
You glared up at him through your lashes and watched him lean forward and sigh.
"I'm sorry I was so busy today." He tried.
"You're busy everyday." It came out more bitter than you meant it.
"Darling, I... I know it's hard." He frowned. "But after this week it's going to calm down, and I'm not doing press so I'm going to have more time to hangout."
He looked sincere, guilty even. You knew he had a million things to handle before stepping on stage in front of thousands. He didnât need more issues, so you let him believe that was your only worry.
"Yeah, it's fine. I get it." You shook your head dismissively, pursing your lips.
"You sure?" He was still frowning.
It was too much to tell him about the sinking feeling in your chest, the numbness that followed you around with occasional bursts of anger.
He moved to put an arm around your shoulder and pull you in. You waited for the usual warmth of your dadâs embrace to wash over you, only it never came.
You had to pull away and stand. His hug forced you to face how little you were actually feeling; it was all too painful.
He watched you with a poorly concealed concerned frown.
You wanted to be close again. To be able to just tell him everything. But the words got caught in your throat each time. As the confusing feelings built up, it began to be more and more of a daunting task to try and explain what was happening.
There wasn't enough time. Not enough time in a day, and especially not with the fifteen minutes before his show.
Your head was crowded with conflicting emotions. You didnât want to be alone; you didnât want him to go on stage. But you didnât know why anyone would want to be around you, given how rude and moody youâd been.
"Dad?" You got his attention softly.
"Can I watch from side stage tonight?" You asked. You tried to keep your voice monotone and looked down at your sneakers.
You both knew what that meant and you couldn't possibly maintain your stoicism if you watched his reaction.
"Side stage?" His volume lowered and you could hear the smile on his face.
You used to watch from the side all the time when you were little. You insisted on being in the pre-show huddle. You always made the guys put their hands in a pile and they'd all take turns saying something ridiculous on the count of three to make you laugh.
Matty would look over a million times during the performance to see you jumping around with whoever was watching you in your huge protective headphones.
He'd wave to you and you'd act like it was the most exciting thing each time you caught his attention.
As you grew up, you came to shows less frequently, and you'd choose to watch from one of the private sections with any other guests or family around. There were a few times you'd just stay in your dad's dressing room.
"Yeah, I dunno... just don't feel like being in the crowd." You tried to downplay it as your face heated up at your childlike request.
"Yeah, of course, love. I'll let Mark know." Matty nodded. He seemed to know what you were doing with your excuse but didn't call you out on it.
You trailed a few steps behind Matty as he walked toward the side stage to meet up with the rest of the band.
You watched them huddle up and stepped further back. When you were a kid you'd jump right in the middle, fitting perfectly and demand attention. But now it looked cramped and you didn't think there was a spot for you.
"Where're you goin, kid? Get in here." George didn't allow it. He grabbed your shoulder and stepped back so you could squeeze into the huddle.
You knew it was nice of him, but all you wanted was to run away and exclude yourself. Each kind act was another reminder that something was wrong with you. You weren't that happy little kid anymore. Everything was different, you didn't quite fit anymore.
You sat on a crate not being used and out of the way of the crew as the band paced around and made last minute adjustments until they got their que to go on.
Matty came back with protective ear plugs for you.
"Really?" You haven't worn ear plugs since you were younger.
"Yes, really, you'll go deaf over here." He gestured to all the speakers near by.
"Fine." You held your hand out for them but he shook his head.
"Uh uh, absolutely not." He pulled a face like he couldn't believe you tried to put the ear plugs in by yourself.
You rolled your eyes but felt a smile tug at your lips as you tucked your hair behind your ears for him to have access.
"Much better. Tryin' to steal my job." He murmured as he fit them into your ears gently.
He smiled at you when he was done, holding your shoulders and kissing the top of your head as he did each time.
The noise quieted. It almost felt the same staring back up at him. Simpler, like all the real world problems washed away and for a second it was just you and him.
"That's you, Matty." A crew member signaled.
And as quickly as the comfort came, it left.
You watched him come to life on stage. It was natural for him. You could see the crowd so clearly from this view. Peoples faces lit up; he had them perfectly entertained under his control. They jumped when he told them to, cheered loudly, and laughed at his jokes.
Your eyes were stinging and your throat felt tight.
His life just made more sense without you. It would be so simple. He could be the cliche rockstar on and off stage and not have to worry about your issues bringing him down.
You felt an unpleasant building of pressure in your head as your cheeks flushed and you struggled to take in a deep breath. You felt a few tears start to fall as you stubbornly tried to hold it all in.
It all hit you during their last song as the instrumental played and they bowed. Matty was laughing at something, leaning into Adam's shoulder as they waved to the crowd. He looked so happy, the way he always did after a show.
He approached you, still distracted, "Hey, did ya see earlier whenâ"
His face fell when he got close enough and noticed your tears. He rushed to crouch down in front of where you were sitting and cradle your face in his hands.
"Hey, hey. What happened, baby?" He quickly pulled out his ear piece to hear you better and furrowed his eyebrows. His chest was still rising and falling quickly from his performance. "Are you hurt?"
You shook your head, trying your best to stop your tears.
You couldn't remember the last time you cried in front of anyone and now you were breaking down with everyone around.
"What is it, darling?" He looked distraught, scanning you up and down.
The question only made you cry harder because all you could manage to articulate was: "I don't know."
"You don't know?" He tilted his head.
Matty got up to sit next to you and you threw yourself into his arms. You hid your face in his shoulder, facing the wall and away from anyone who might pass by.
"I'm sorry, I don't... know whyâ" You croaked out incomplete sentences.
"Shhh, just focus on breathing, yeah?" He rubbed your back in slow circles and kept his cheek to the side of your head, whispering soothing words as you tried to calm down.
You heard him calling for one of the guys and mumbling some requests but you couldn't listen long enough to follow.
"Is she okay?" You were pretty sure it was George's hesitant whisper.
You felt in a daze, like you weren't fully there. Their voices sounded distant.
You didn't know how long you'd been crying before was Matty draping a huge hoodie from the merch stand over your head, pulling up the hood, and putting his arm around your shoulders to guide you into a car and back to the hotel.
He got in the backseat with you as you slotted back into his side.
"There you go." He rubbed your back when you let out a deep shaky breath at being away from all the people. "You doin okay? We're almost back."
You leaned into him more to hide your face. You didn't think you could talk yet.
"Okay, okay." He let out a soft chuckle and squeezed you closer.
You kept your face hidden the whole walk up to the hotel room and Matty didn't object as he held you against his chest.
He didn't even mention you going into your own bed in the adjoining room he got you. He helped you climb into his bed and you immediately reached your hands out for him.
His bottom lip jutted out at you and he sat next to you as you cuddled into his side again.
"There we go.â He sighed. He seemed to sense your relief at finally being alone and in private. âCan you talk to me? Try to tell me what got you so upset?" He tried again.
"I can'tâit won't even make sense."
"It doesn't have to make sense. Can you just try for me?"
"It's all too much." You shook your head.
"What's too much, baby?" He rubbed your arm.
You felt more tears rush to your already sore eyes and you let out a frustrated, pathetic laugh.
"Everything." You choked out.
Matty looked at you silently, his frown seemed to be permanent as his eyes darted around your face, like he thought he could find the answer to all your worries if he looked hard enough.
"Is the tour too much?" He guessed quietly. âI know how it can be, if youâre homesick.â
"I don't... maybe but it's not just that it's... I'm so tired all the time. And I don't feel fully here, or fully at home. Like I don't belong either place. My friends are happier with me gone and you'd be happier with me gone too."
"Woah, woah, happier with you gone?" He pulled a sour face. "That's the furthest from the truth. I love that you're here with me."
"I just don't fit anymore. Anywhere." You sniffled.
"That's entirely not true, darling." He shook his head. "When you're not around... I can't even explain it. It's just so much worse. You'll always, always fit with me." He kissed the top of your head. âAnd Iâm sure your friends are feeling the same way with you gone.â
You didnât look so convinced and he sighed.
âWeâre going home in a couple weeks, but we can make a trip sooner if you want to see them? Maybe that could help?â
"I tried to⌠Nothing really helps. Like tonight I thought I might feel better if I watched from the side like I used to, but it didn't work."
You watched his face fall as a solemn understanding washed over him.
"Oh, sweet girl, come here." He pulled you back against his chest. âHave you been feeling this way for a while?â
âI dunno whatâs wrong with me. It just feels like everything is wrong.â You admitted. The frown on his face made your eyes sting again and you had to look away.
âNothing is wrong with you. Itâs not your fault, darling.â He assured quickly. âI know youâve been trying so hard to feel better, but sometimes itâs really out of our control. Just like how people get sick.â He explained softly.
âI donât think itâs gonna go away.â You spoke shamefully. Matty made a small pained sound, like your words were physically hurting him.
âI know⌠I know it feels like that, but I promise it will.â He had enough conviction in his voice that the idea didnât sound as crazy as it did just seconds earlier.
He played with your hair for a while, patiently nodding along to your half finished thoughts as you tried your best to articulate the complex feelings you'd been having.
"I'm sorry I didn't notice sooner that you were dealing with all this." He whispered.
He made a very convincing argument for you to try to talk to a therapist, which you reluctantly agreed to. You didn't have much of a convincing rebuttal after your breakdown.
You felt a bit lighter after talking it all through. Your thoughts felt a tiny bit less scary when you heard them out loud and repeated back to you.
âCan you sing my song?â You asked, your voice small.
You felt like there were no more secrets; everything felt a little easier, a little more open. Your walls came down, and it wasnât the end of the world like youâd imagined after all those weeks youâd spent hiding your feelings.
Mattyâs arms tightened around you as if to keep the pieces from scattering again. His voice was quiet when he answered.
You didnât know how youâd feel tomorrow or if the sinking feeling would creep back just as strong. But in that moment, with your dadâs hand steady on your back, and his voice low and certain in your ear, you believed him when he said it would get better.
