Time I Start Blogging

So I've decided to start writing a blog so let see how it goes 🤞🏻

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when everything is new.....

Hey hey hey world! It’s been ages since I’ve wrote on of these I found myself this morning scrolling through google trying to find a quote that summed up how I’m feeling and then i had a thought I’ve not wrote one of these and well sometimes nothing says your thoughts better your own ! So I’m here led in my new bed in my new house ekkk (can’t move the beds too comfy) and I’ve been beating myself up again another day of not getting up for the gym it’s been three weeks and I feel super shit about myself ! If it’s not been because of the snow or being ill it’s been moving stuff at the house and all the extra hours at work I’m exhausted !and woke up with another cold and very little energy! So yes here I go again the same thoughts me beating myself up I went out on Saturday and I keep looking at the photos and picking fault how have i let myself get like that it’s awful! My problem is I set the bar so so high to be perfect that there isn’t any room for error ! Not just on looks but everything from being perfect at my job to being the best friend best sister best fiance best daughter the list goes on ...It can be and when the littlest thing happens i take it as a failure it’s crazy right all the pressure on myself because it’s impossible to be perfect And I’m trying to retrain my brain that you know what your best if good enough and sometimes it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to fall! So yes basically I’ve been struggling the move has been amazing I get to live with my johners and wake up next to him in my own house it’s amazing but the back of my mind keeps me over thinking making me think I’m gonna be lonely I’m gonna lose everyone what If no one else needs me anymore Il move and be forgotten about - so that’s what’s been happening me being lazy and beating myself up and feeling pretty low !! Thoughts wrote and time to move my bum and get ready for work! Thanks for reading 💕💕💕💕💕

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when it's been a struggle ...

So I've not done one of these for a while but in the last week I have been struggling ! I've been run down and back on antibiotics which has meant I've not been able to go to the gym nearly as enough as I'd like to which means I've been super hard on myself hating on the way I feel about myself the way I look In a mirror or the number on the scales and it's not healthy I'm my very worst critict! I also haven't been practising my cbt stuff as much as I know I should do I guess when I'm feeling low I have no energy do anything. I guess my heads been full of worrys and thoughts I will always worry about my family I always want to make everything better everything perfect but I can't control everything! This week though I hit my anxiety walk full on and the panic attack a stared again ! I've had low days and I've struggled but it's Sunday and I'm about to spend the day with family I've had a lie in and well needed time with my johners life's never gonna be straight forwards for me but if I continue to try and spend my time with people that love me il be on the right track! Anxiety might of beat a little this week but today is a new day and new way of thinking! Happy Sunday world 💕

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when I'm proud of myself ....

So last night I completed my last CBT group session ! Over the last six weeks I’ve learnt a lot about myself and my anxiety!six weeks isn’t going to change my life forever but it’s the start! Not only have I learnt how to control my worrying and negative thoughts I’ve gained confidence in myself ! I’m not alone on this journey so many people at different stages of there life suffer with mental illness and that’s okay! Everyone has anxious thoughts and worries it’s just if we let them take over is the problem! I’m not expecting this journey to be straight forward or simple there are going to be speed bumps along the way ! Life will always have a way of setting us off track but I’m strong and I’m on a journey to happiness with my amazing family and friends support and all my new skills to give me that extra push in the right direction ! Anxiety will always be part of me but I’m choosing to work with it and be a better version of my self! I’ve learnt that I don’t need to be liked or loved by everyone I don’t need to please everyone to make me happy anymore ! I’m me and yes I take things personally but hey that’s part of me! So on to the next six weeks of me keeping up with all my new skills and setting new goals! If I can do this anyone can the biggest step for me was even going to these sessions and admitting to defeat and it was the best descion I’ve made ! Xxx

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when everything's changing .....

Hello world I haven't done one of these in a little while! I'm trying my very best to just focus on the positive in life like I'm pretty darn lucky I have the most amazing fiancé and we're getting married in just over a year ekkk!! And my family are super supportive and as much as they drive me nuts I love every single one of them and my life wouldn't be anything without them! My friends are great too.! But I'm still having that feeling In the back of my mind that I'm just not good enough! I can't help but feel worried or jealous about my friends what if they don't need me anymore I watch them all have these amazing friendships with other people what if I'm just that person dragging them down ! Maybe it's time I just set people free right ?! I don't want to be in the way for anyone! Why am I such a pain in the ass! Why can't I just think more normally ! I guess I'm basically trying to say is that I can't beg anyone to love me or stay in my life when I'm the biggest nause ever! Going on a bit now if I'm honest! But that's me and my confused brain! Anyways it's just over two weeks till holiday and I can't bloody wait a whole two weeks with my johners and Molly moo! In the sunshine and lots and lots of cheetos! 😂😂 night world 💕💕💕💕💕💕

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when I'm thinking ....

There comes a point in your life where you have to stop crossing oceans for people that wouldn’t cross puddles for you ! I’m always that person that will always go out of there way to help anyone that I care about and sometimes people take me for granted! So today I’m saying enough is enough I’m done being the person that makes the effort with everyone I’m done trying to get people’s attention ! I’m done fighting for people’s attention it’s like I keep trying and trying and just get hurt ! Like I’m invisible to some if I’m honest !! I can’t make people love me And I can’t make people want me ! My whole life all I’ve wanted is love from family and friends so yeah today I’m thinking Alot of thinking I kinda got to the point where I feel like I’m battling to stay in people’s life’s that maybe don’t want or need me anymore! I guess I should name this one the one when I feel completely Invisible not that anyone would notice ! Today’s blogs kinda a rant I guess I’m just trying to start focusing on me and what makes me happy and trying to remove anything that upsets or hurts me ! So that’s today’s blog and I feel lighter after my thoughts are all written down ! Have a good night world 💕💕💕

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when I take the leap ....

So today I took a massive step towards beating my anxiety and to some it won’t seem like a big deal but In my head and to my journey it’s huge! I’ve finally admitted I was struggling and need that help! I’m gonna throw us all the way back to when I was sixteen and first diagnosed with anxiety and I felt embarrassed and ashamed the doctor at the time said it would be best if I had counselling at as a sixteen year old I freaked and felt ashamed to be this person! That needed to talk to someone about her problems ! But now as an older and I’d like to say slightly more confident women I’m embracing it ! I can’t go on struggling and bringing myself down so yes it’s time for me to start focusing on myself and yes it’s selfish and yes I’m gonna be thinking more about myself and less about what anyone else thinks for a change! The people that love me will support me every step of the way through this next chapter it’s the beginning of the new me ( not new just slightly improved) I’m not expecting anything to happen over night and all of a sudden I don’t think the way I do 😂 but I’ve got to embrace change! And anxiety isn’t always a bad thing people that suffer are normally the most honest, trustworthy, supportive, kind,loving ,on time people there are and I like all of those traits I’m proud of me ! So here’s to my next hurdle I promise il get better at these blogs too I’ve totally been slacking but I’ve updated you! On my big step! Night night world 💕💕💕

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when I haven't been myself at all....

Hello Friday! The sun is shining through the window and I slept through my gym alarm so I’m gonna be ready quickly and get my comfy shoes on a walk to work! There is something lovely about being able to walk to work time to my self and shut the world out and listen to the birds chirp away! This week I haven’t really been myself tho ! It’s been emotional and a lot has happened and I still don’t really know where I stand! Things at home have been rocky for a while and it kinda exploaded this week! I love john with all my heart but I won’t be the person that’s in the way or any relationship with his mum! You only get one I truly believe you should cherish every moment ! Also I’ve been back up over thinking I guess managing to annoy everyone I’ve spoke to! I can’t help the way my head thinks! I’ve finally booked a doctors appointment after advice from and friend and breakdown to my dad ! So let see how they can help I have to be open minded and see what can happen! It's just been a crazy week! Managing to annoy everyone you love is hard! From Molly to john to Harriet I've managed to ruin something on the way! Everyone knows I feel about them all i need them and I know I do expect a lot from them and probably rely on them too much! But there my family ! I'm gonna try my very best to stop I just really don't want to be the person everyone leaves behind! I can see it tho Mollys got lee and Harriet's got Lewis and loads of other friendships and john deserves better ! They all do ! Like if given the choice I'd hope they'd choose other people why would you wanna put up with me😂 anyways I'm gonna stay to the positive and I'm finally taking the right steps into the right direction have a good day world 💕💕💕💕

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when It's about my body....

Hii!! So I've not wrote one for like a week and this weeks thoughts have been mainly focusing on my weight and how I look yes I had become slightly obsessed with how much I was weighing and getting super annoyed if I have gained weight ! So yeah I have put weight on but my body fat percentage has gone now meaning that it's muscle and that's good! I'm so hard o myself sometimes I don't even allow myself treats and then I need to remind myself it's not about what the number on the scales says it's about how I feel inside and how I think I look on the outside! I'm actually feeling pretty good and it's Easter weekend so I'm gonna allow myself treats! I live off chicken veg and fruit and poached eggs at the moment so a good couple of treats isn't a bad thing! I started the gym because I was lazy and very unhealthy! I don't go to the gym to get "skinny" and I don't go to become muscle women! I go because I actually enjoy it ! I enjoy making myself feel good! Knowing that I can walk into a gym by myself and not panic has been one of the biggest steps I have taken! Yes I might it need to go five times a week ! But people don't need to drink or smoke or eat rubbish but they do ! In the end of the day it's your life and you've got to live it how you want to and I want to spend time at the gym and burn of the negative energy I'm gonna! I've always looked at my body and thought ughh hated the way my legs looked or hated that I had a big bum but now I've learnt to embrace everyone loves a big ass 🍑🍑! It's my body and like I said I'm not trying to become "skinny" or "too muscly" I want to become strong and confident ! Everyone should be aloud to believe in themselves! And yes I like to take pictures I'm proud of how fat I've come ! From a complete couch potato eating chocolate all day everyday to someone that wants to get up for her gym alarm (okay maybe not every single time 🙈😂) and someone that eats veg!! It's amazing what you can achieve when you put your mind to it and have a little push in the right direction! So that's my essay about how I feel about it all! So the next time someone keeps asking why I go or why I don't want to eat bad it's because if I can feel confident in myself then it's my way of jumping another hurdle ! Ellis 1 anxiety 0! Have the best Easter world enjoy all that chocolate eggs! And yes I will having lots 😋🐷 💕💕💕💕

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Daily Inspirational and relatable quote pictures! Follow for more.

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when it's hot hot hot!

We have sunshine on a wrekend🙌🏻 I mean I've spent all day at work and now I'm typing away on a cross trainer ! But still something lovely about seeing the sunshine!gives you that instant lift !! Today's feelings are good I have a spa day tomorrow and I can't wait to start relaxing! 😴I'm also feeling so excited yes I get over excited about other people's lives okay more like I'm super happy ! Harriet finally left the salon and I'm excited for her and her next steps !she knows that's no matter what adventures she starts to create il be there to support her I mean after all I'm her minion right ?? She really is my best friend and I do miss not seeing her everyday but at least I'm not so annoying now 🙈 I just hope more than anything that she sees me as her best friend too! I'm proud of her ! Anyways enough of that 😂I'm also super excited Molly moo has talked me into getting a tattoo and it's booked in! We're having a semi colon tattoo and as I suffer from anxiety and it's the sign for mental health it makes perfect sense ! Even dawners if getting one! She's really starting to understand me !! 💕so it's booked and I'm no longer embarrassed or ashamed of my anxiety your either with me in my journey or bye 👋🏻 so yes I'm feeling good super sweaty but good! I've got this 💕💕 have the best weekend world xxxx

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when my body clock thinks it time to wake up ....

Morning! I'm wide awake my body's in auto mode thinking I need to be awake for the gym on the one day I can lie in typical! So instead of tossing and turning I thought I'd write a blog I've been annoying myself this morning with silly thoughts! Yep here I go again🙈 I know that I'm super needy! But basically I finally got to see harriet yesterday and we had a bit of a catch up and I really really miss her! I feel like I'm missing out on so much! And I know I don't need to speak to her daily to know that she my friend! But I do miss her and I do worry that she's now built super close friendships with other people what If there isn't room for me anymore ?! What if she doesn't want me as her best friend anymore! Yeah totally overthinking right?! Don't you hate my brain! Anyways on the the positive it was sooo lovely catching up I really feel like she's a sister to me and that why I find it so hard I think I just hope she feels the same! Anyways that's enough of that I don't want her reading this thinking god sake ellis 😂(look I'm your best friend and I love you okay!) so basically I think I just want attention and people to tell me I'm amazing 😂😂😂 on another plus the month of Birthdays has begun and today we start with my amazing nans 70th! Two bars and a A ! Or nanny Barbie! What an amazing nan she is ! She's so strong the strongest lady I know! She always puts everyone before her self ! And her classic Bristolian sayings always make everyone laugh! A truly amazing lady and I hope I grow to be just as amazing! And I also get to catch up with some of the family which is lovely I'm gonna have my Polaroid camera at the ready! I've created a new rule for myself for every moment you truly love you should take a picture so when ever I feel down I look back and smile! So Everyone around be better be picture ready 😂😂 anyways I think I've said a lot today! I just want to say Molly moo, johners and harriet and everyone else that puts up with me thankyou I love you all 💕💕💕💕

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when it's been a while ....

Good morning world! Awake lovely and early so I thought I'd start the day with writing a blog! I know it's been a little while ! I guess I've been busy and feeling a bit more positive! I can't believe we are now in April and the month of birthdays in this month are crazy so I'm gonna crazy busy with buying presents and celebrating birthdays! I can't feel my stress level rising 🙈 Why are parents so difficult to buy for and why would they insist on having birthday in the same week!!! Anyways life has been good I've had a day with my sister last week and it was lovely it's so nice to spend time with her and just her when we can have girly time and talk complete rubbish and it's okay! We baked cakes (wasn't so good on the eating healthy part) and just relaxed! I've also got into the waking lark again walking to mums or to work something quite nice about leaving the car behind and getting your walking shoes on! Tho I didn't realise how much the hills were gonna kill my legs I feel like I've done 4 days of leg day over and over !🙈🙈 me and john have been good he moves place of work on Monday and as much as I'm happy for him I really really hope I still get to see him! It's so hard being with someone that you don't really get to see! Fingers crossed!! Also I've been missing my bestie I know it's silly it's hard tho isn't when your used to seeing someone every day to nothing I just worry that I've been forgotten about! On another plus tho I had a good chat with my mum the other day I think she's finally starting to understand that I'm not completely nuts and that sometimes she just needs to remember that It's just the way my head works ! I don't mean to be so sensitive or get upset or overthink things! Or get angry with myself! But over all I'm feeling good now to move my bum and get ready for another busy day at work! 🙌🏻 and make some pancakes (literally so excited about pancakes after a week of poached eggs) have a lovely weekend world ! Remember you are braver than you think stronger that you seem and smarter than you think! (Finishing on my fav Winnie the Pooh quote) 💕💕💕💕💕

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when I've spent most of my day in bed....

Hello world !! So yeah I'm hungover ! I'm not surprised tho I think I was drunk before I had even left pre drinks to actually get out! I mean my face started to go numb and that's normally my tell tell sign 😂 it was such a fun night ! Really got my dancing shoes on and felt like I was still part of the Crew! I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't worry that they will forget me but I realise that you've just got to make an effort and friendship is a two way street! I've also had time to reflect this morning about everything yes I worry that people will be replace me but my best friend is aloud to have other close friend too and it's okay she's not gonna leave me behind! ( I mean she's not aloud another best friend tho that's my roll) and I don't need to be in constant contact she loves me and I know that now! It's been a hard couple of weeks where I was certain I thought I was losing her by me being me but I realise now that she does love me and care for me deeply ! And that all I've ever wanted is someone to call me there very best friend and love me ! And I've got that not only in harriet but in my sister Molly and my fiancé john I'm super lucky to surround myself with people that inspires me and encourage me to be the best I can be! This weekend has taught be that your not going to agree with everyone and everything all the time ! And it's okay to let your hair down and dance until your feet hurt and waste the whole of Sunday in bed 🙈 on a serious note tho I'm going to move and get ready to spend some very well needed us time with my johners 💕 happy Sunday

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when I'm honest ....

I'm the first to admit when I'm struggling I don't want sympathy or people to petty me nor do I do anything for attention ! I'm not normal and no where near perfect! I mean I try and I try so hard to be the perfect daughter sister fiancée Niece friend... you name it I try ! I always want to be the best I want to make everyone happy all of the time I want everyone to be super proud of me ? And as much as I know it's impossible I constantly try probably too much to the point where I completely push people away from me. So yes I'm struggling My heads been all over the place! I'm hurting I'm feeling like I'm totally. It good enough I'm never going to be ! I'm my worst critic! Il find faults in my self daily .. I understand why people don't always stick around or want to "put up with me" yeah one of friends once got asked why she "puts up with me" I still don't know how to answer that as if I'm that horrible to be around 😂 I laugh about it other wise I'm cry! I am super emotional and get upset pretty easily! My whole life tho I've been compared to family member or friends and never been quiet good enough to be good as them (hence me being so hard on myself I guess) this is why I struggle cuz I feel like I'm constantly competing with people for family and friends attention I'm never quite the first options more like the after thought ! The back up plan as I like to call it. Yep feel like I'm never truly wanted ! Or even needed so yes I latch on to the people that I love far too much a probably push them to the point where they want to give up on me will I ever blame them no ! Il just blame myself ! So basically I'm saying that I'm feeling today like I'm not good enough ! Suck eh feeling like you far from perfect but I'm realising that I kinda want to stop trying I can't be anyone but me and it's so bloody draining if you want me in your life Perfect if you don't then well I'm sorry I wasn't the person you wanted me to be ? I'm not normal I'm the most needy and emotional person I care deeply and love fully! That's enough for me today Time to dry those tears and move on! Today's quote to finish ..." you can't make someone love you if they don't" have a good weekend world ! Sorry for being down in the dumps 😘💕

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when my heads a mess ....

My anxiety is different from day to day! And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling lately I am totally adjusting to new things is tough and I overthink every situation I just always want to please people I always want to be liked and wanted and needed it’s hard! I feel like I’ve annoyed some of the closest people to me this week with my overthinking and worrying…. I’m silly I get jealous but who doesn’t ?! I miss my friends I feel like I’m out of the loop I feel like I watch my friends build closer friendships with people which is amazing and I’m happy for them but it just makes me think that I’ve already been left behind cuz let’s face it your gonna choose someone who’s normal than someone that freaks out over everything if it came down to it ! I’m hard work probably the worst and when I feel down like this I can’t find a single reason why anyone puts up with me ! I know I’m soppy and I tell the people closest to me how much I love them all the time but really sometimes it’s just cuz I need reassurance from them too! I don’t mean to be so needy and soo difficult I’d actually do anything to think normally but I can’t change it can’t make it go away! I’ve tried to talk about it to everyone and I feel like no ones understanding or there just getting angry at me ! But I can’t control it ! I can’t help but send another message when someone doesn’t reply I can’t help but think the worst! I’m not normal and I wouldn’t blame people for not liking me ! I’ve never had the most friends because I find it hard to open up to explain or I feel like they just don’t get it and don’t wanna deal with me ! Well today I’m feeling kinda low but I’m gonna get my bum in gear get ready for work and put that smile on my face to hide the hurt ! Today is a new day I can’t make people love me if they don’t ! Have a good Tuesday world sorry I’m a negative moo today! 🙌🏻

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when I summarise the past week....

Hii! It's Monday again and the sun is shining ! That always makes me smile ? Today tho I'm feeling all emosh! Today would be a perfect Day if Blue was still around for a trip to the beach for him to get covered in sand ! I miss him! Also feeling a bit defeated I always struggle fitting in I always feel like the one out of the loop! Feeling like I might have already been forgotten about and replaced ! I feel like I'm not good enough and it hurts ! The work girls seem so lovely so I'm hoping for good things ! This time tho I'm not going to work everyday trying to make the best friends I'm going to work and leaving work at the door ! I'm not coming home stressed or worried ! The weeks also been hard I saw the strongest person I know hit a hurdle I don't always open up about me and John but I'm open enough to say that I'd be lying if I didn't say that I don't find it super hard that john kinda puts up and walland doesn't let anyone in and sometimes even me ! I'm the sort of person that needs reassurance and talking helps me and I know not everyone's like that but god sometimes I wish he was! But this weekend has made us stronger even when I was feeling low and like I had no friends ( what a surprise) he made me smile ! And laugh a lot ! And my sister even being In a different city still managed to share the love ☺ I'm very lucky! Anyways that's enough of me going on. I hope everyone has a lovely week 🙌🏻💕 xxx

[ellisjanet-blog]

The one when I feel all emosh ...

Good morning world I’ve woke up feeling all sad … it’s getting close to the two years mark without our amazing doggie blue ! I know some people think that’s dogs are just dog but they really are so much more than that! He was such a massive part of our family he taught us all how to love something! He was my best friend! And my life does feel that little bit empty without him! I truly loved him! And as much as time is a healer I can’t help but miss him and his strange ways about him. The way he’d hit you for attention and come an curl up so so close to you and keep you warm and safe ! I know I’ve mentioned before that he made me feel like a purpose and he did I think when you live with anxiety you need something that keeps your mind occupied gives you a meaning gives you something to love and care for gives you that feeling that you are very much wanted and needed ! So yeah today I’m feeling a little sad I’m due on which is probably half the problem 🙈 but I’m gonna get up and make the most of the day I’m going to drag my fat ass to the gym ( I might of ate chocolate last night 🙈) and work hard! And then I have no idea what the rest of the day involves but I’m gonna refuse to let the sad feelings take over my life is good and I’m making people proud of me and that’s all I’ve ever wanted ! Have a good Sunday world and if someone could stop me eating chocolate that would be great! 🙌🏻💕🍑💪🏻