this is something i don't think i've ever said out loud this honestly.
i was the child who was alone at school.
i ate by myself more times than i'd like to admit. i spent a lot of time watching other people, understanding them, noticing them, trying to make them feel comfortable. i always felt like i could see everyone else so clearly.
i just never felt seen in return.
i tried to be the funny friend. the friend who always gave too much. the friend who cared too much. the soft friend. the loving friend.
those things were never fake. that's genuinely who i am.
but i also felt like i had to be those versions of myself all the time.
because i was scared. i was scared that if i was sad, angry, disappointed, or hurt.. i wouldn't be loved anymore.
it felt like love always came with conditions.
i never really fit in with people my own age.
i always found myself talking to people older than me. i don't know why. maybe i was looking for more depth. even then, i still couldn't relate to most people completely.
making friends with teachers seemed easier than making friends my own age. i seemed to look at everything more deeply than almost all of my friends. all the topics that seemed interesting to my friends felt so shallow to me. why was i way too mature for my age? was it wrong? i always contemplated that, baby.
so i spent a lot of time talking to myself.
a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me.
a lot of time believing i was simply too different to ever be fully understood.
my world has always been very small. the people i truly call mine have always been very few. they've always been my greatest treasures.
university was kinder to me.
for the first time, i felt like i could breathe a little easier. i could be more myself. i met people who accepted me for who i was, and i'm grateful for them.
there was still something missing.
people often told me they felt understood by me.
they loved talking to me. they loved being around me. and i loved making them feel seen.
but i still carried this feeling that nobody had reached the deepest parts of me.
there was always a little space inside me that stayed empty.
i think i was always yearning for you.
because when i think of you..
i don't imagine having to explain why i feel so deeply. i don't imagine having to hide the softer parts of me.
i imagine finally feeling seen. completely.
i imagine finally feeling loved without having to earn it.
and maybe that's why i've spent so much of my life looking for you.
because somewhere in my soul..
i've always believed you were looking for me too.
