A Monologue From Nobody

Diary of the sick.

[ellycul]

It’s been a long time, but now I feel happy that I’m working hard and I want to create lots of artwork, although I do it one at a time, I have something to look forward to. I want to show my work to lots of people. Like lots! And I want to tell them the stories that I’ve learned about my culture and myths. It’s been fun, and the medicine I’m in is working. I’m in painkillers and treatment for fibromyalgia. I’m not yet taking physical rehab though because somehow the HMO agents that I inherited didn’t call me, or that my parents are a bit hesitant to fund it. But I’m taking one thing one step at a time. I go through it on my own pace, and I’m happy that I’m making progress.

I feel so free and I feel happy that I could fly out something like that. I guess maybe it’s the right decision to stay being single for a while. Things are simpler and less stressful that way.

20 September 2025

[ellycul]

I’m at that point in life that I’m tired of relationships, and that now I understand why people just prefer sex without commitment. At this point I feel hopeless that people are gonna stay and I know people will just leave. So maybe it will be okay to just have sex and not have a care for anything else. Maybe I’ll get pregnant, but um at least my heart won’t get broken.

12 September 2025

[ellycul]

I’m annoyed. I’m an aunt, and I should do aunt stuff, and not be stuck babysitting the kid at his own birthday party.

😤 I love this kid, but seriously, I’m tired.

[ellycul]

Maybe I’m too selfish because I can move for myself without being in pain.

[ellycul]

She’s mad at me because I posted in social media that she called me selfish.

[ellycul]



I don’t want to live anymore

[ellycul]

Why am I always being blamed for my physical aches and pains?

[ellycul]

I pity myself whenever I feel pain and I’m alone and hearing people’s love life. I want one too, but I’m scared. I feel like I’m a burden, and no matter how much I want to be normal, I have my pain. The constant pain. It always hold me back.

10 May 2025

[ellycul]

Mama called me selfish.

I told her that I’m in pain and I needed genetic testing to be fully be diagnosed and receive proper treatment. I need 80k for panel testing or 100k for the full genome testing. I told her I’m in pain and I need to manage my pain… she called me selfish because I want to die. The pain makes me want to die, the pain is all over my body. Then she told me that maybe I’m too smart that I twist her words and don’t listen to her she called me selfish because I said maybe I’ll die in advance, that I’m in pain, and that I want to die.

[ellycul]

I feel bad. I need 100k for genetic testing. I got positive for hyper mobility and now I just need DNA confirmation to be confirmed and diagnosed and get proper treatment.

And I’m like I want to stop my depression meds and all meds if possible. I want to die. I don’t want to be this.

[ellycul]

7 March 2025

[ellycul]

See you Tacloban

[ellycul]

Almost 3 months in: I want to find another job that does not require face or voice. I just want to stay at home, and rest wherever the ptsd attacks because I’ll be in pain again.

I’ve been thinking that maybe it is better to have kids and get married, only because the pain is debilitating. I thought of being a stay at home mom, but at the same time, I need a helper too or something. I dunno. I just want to do creative things and just stay at home or maybe explore places that people don’t frequent by.

24 February 2025

[ellycul]

I feel lonely

[ellycul]

I have had my old tattoo enhanced, and added another. My ex boyfriend was shocked, and he said it’s ugly. But it doesn’t matter, this is my own body, and it’s already done. My arm is healing and I’m happy with this.

16 February 2025

[ellycul]

I’m on tinder, and someone messaged me. I asked how tall he is and he said he is 5’7 ft. I said I’m 5’5 ft and I would prefer someone taller. He said to don’t worry, he still can carry me. (?) my eyebrow raised, I still don’t know what that means or why that is important. But I told him that I like wearing platforms and or heels. He just replied cool. (?) then I proceeded to tell him that I don’t want to look down on you if I do wear heels and he just laughed. (?) I don’t understand how that is funny but I just replied with a gif of Elmo hiding in shame.

[ellycul]

There’s that feeling again of wanting to die. I don’t want to work, I don’t want to see people, I don’t want anything. I just don’t want to exist. But if I don’t work, how will I get money and pay for things? How will I live? So I have to work, but I really don’t want to. Not anymore.

Life is hard. The first time I posted here, I was working for my grandma. I was maybe 12 years old. Or maybe a little bit older, I don’t remember. I was so incessant that I don’t want to be a trophy wife then and that I rather work. But it feels like I spent all of my energy in my teens. I’m depressed, and in medications, but I still want to die.

31 January 2025