Ella

I am a college freshman with a mediocre life. Here I rawr. 

[ellyindanish-blog]

So, today is May 16th, 2016.

School is coming to a very close end... as in like two days from now. I feel bad that I never turned to this blog in times where I felt alone then happy, confused then numb or even just generally fucked up.  I mean it is the end of the academic year but so much has happened this year that I need to reflect on my year as a freshman at both campuses (Denver and Providence). 

 My journey of leaving Denver and coming here was probably the best decision in my academic and social life. I am so purely happy here. When I first got here I wasn’t even excited about it. It was as if it was a totally normal thing, actually i take that back. Maybe not normal but right. Like me moving here was the most right thing I needed to do for my life so I could survive. So I could be happy. 

That first day was March 7th. Kevin, Pat and I all met in Xavier that day and began the big move into the dorms. I mean we may have not known it at the time but we were all a team in this move. In the future months we became closer than friends, we became the support for each other to help us get adjusted, we understood each new life that was started here and we knew we were always there for each other. I love those two and I wouldn't have wanted to spend my time here with anyone else and I think they know that. 

I learned a lot here about social status, urban living and people who aren't so much like me... but I think I like that. I like the fact that people who are like me are hard to find. I like that we are the minority and are only growing. People from Providence and the North are funny and I missed that so much. By funny I mean they are a little tapped and self centered but together it is a sight to see. Definitely entertaining to say the least but I truly appreciate everyone i’ve met here. Some genuine, some bitchy, some real asf and many just trying to act adult like. 

There are many stories from my short three months here from darties, to drugs, to sororities, to school, to home, to my sister, and to the weirdos. Hopefully, I stick to this and conclude what has happened here and what will happen in the future because if any place deserves an explanation it would be JWU Providence. 

[ellyindanish-blog]

my recent college transfer essay

mom doesnt make it to my graduation, she will know that i am living to help other people. 

[ellyindanish-blog]

Okay, so i’m high right now.

Alright hello world. 

My friend Kayleen and I smoked before we went to this mediocre, “breakfast at night time” event... It was so horrible to watch. 

Let me remind you kindly, WE ARE IN COLLEGE. 

People are running around dancing, in a tiny cafeteria, like we were catholic schools kids. (Sorry allusion to my own personal life) 

But this was a college held event. A Johnson and Wales event. I mean I am sorry but this school...

BLOWS>>>>>>>> anything I have ever experienced. 

People are dancing and acting like this midnight breakfast party was the most fun they have ever experienced before. I mean really it makes me really upset. 

I just do not see how or why people like it here. I have tried to understand. Have tried to take myself out of the small town and squish my life into an even smaller one, like this school. 

I see people walking around always laughing and hanging out with eachother but I just don’t understand it. I feel like I need more than what this school offers. I need more than what I am doing here everyday . I am tired of doing nothing. I am tired of sitting here waiting for life to pickup. 

....  Because it never does. 

I gave it 1 month, then jumped into 5. 

The biggest regrets I have about coming here are that:

A.) I was tired of traveling. I have seen too many things outside this Western Civilization we live in. It takes a lot out of you going to different countries and seeing how other people live. Looking at kids with no shoes. Whole families living in a mud hut. Watching the boys in the street play with a hawk with a string tied around it’s neck because that’s “custom”. It is the biggest slap in the face. The biggest “wake up, your not in Kansas anymore” feelings.

When you go on a service trip or volunteer shit of any kind you experience a set of changes that truly end up changing you. 

1. You are in shock. You change the way you watch in hopes that you’ll blend in. 

2. You are in shock and are scared. You don’t know how to react to life anymore, so you remain on the outside of it. Looking at whoever your helping in a way that you can gain empathy. 

3. You feel lost. You feel alone. You see the way other people live and it makes you feel hopeless. You feel confused and see the deepest realities of the world. 

There is always going to be rich and poor. You were lucky to be born as a, in this circumstance, “wealthy” citizen, within the bounds of the U.S. 

4. Do I deserve to be there? 

5. Why can’t we all be there?

This one may be only for me, so  please excuse yourself. 

6. Feeling a massive amount of guilt for everything. The place I live, the clothes I wear, the white teeth in my mouth, the bus I had to take to school. Anything and everything  I have just experienced this huge tugging weight of guilt. 

_______________________________________________________________________

The other day, one of the only closest people to me here, told me that every action I take is out of guilt. The people I hang out with, the way I introduce myself, the people I talk to. 

The irony in this, is that, he was telling me all these different actions but we met and started talking based on these same circumstances. 

basically begging to ask myself, WHAT THE FUCK. 

Filled with confusion over this matter once again. I began to think of everything I have done in life and honestly besides the service trip explanation for my “actions always being filled with guilt”, the only other thing I can think about is my mom.

_______________________________________________________________________

The ways I always treated her. I always hated her because she was not like other parents..... I have told this story time and time again but for right now I have to go to bed. 

[ellyindanish-blog]

okay, so im tripping rn.

This trip so far has been so different than any other trip ive been on. 

So, its weird honeslty its not as strong and granted ive done acid a lot you would think that i have adapted to it... well i definetly have. It is as if taking one tab of acid levels you to one location. I feel locked in this trap by only taking one tab but i feel as though it allows me to do things like this. I mean usually the screens of things look cray. This isnt that cray at all. but i had a lot of thoughts tonight. I mean a lot of wild crazy and lost thoughts about the world and everyone in my surroundings. Truly Truly amazing within cinema. 

I went to this movie called “Death Pool” and truly that was dope. I mean really that was the most realistic thing I have seen in so long. It was like he placed his whole persona being at a small risk in itself.,... i’m gonna chill out for a little bit because this is a mind fuck rn ... brb

[ellyindanish-blog]

Road to Spiritual Enlightenment

okay, so I mentioned in my previous post that I am on the road to spiritual enlightenment and by that I initially meant I buy a lot of cool shit. I would always find myself searching for stuff like Tibetan Prayer flags, incense burners, and of course little mini Buddhas. I always thought that anything different from my small white town were the most beautiful things in the world. Especially those little buddhas.  

I think I found my interest in all things hippie and different when I was a Sophomore. That year I went through a pretty intense seasonal depression when the “sophomore slump”, as most teachers declare it, hit me. I felt worthless and poor. Actually all my life I had that looming feeling of being poor held over me. In my freshman year, I walked around the volunteer booths as every freshman is supposed to and I saw one for a Guatemalan Service trip. It looked amazing, a way to help other people and even more cool, a way to travel. I was so interested until I flipped that pamphlet over and saw the price. 

The looming feeling coming over me again with a big slap in the face saying, “you can’t do that, your poor remember? Where would your money come from?” I listened to my conscious and with remorse stepped away from the table. Yes, that little voice in my head turned me down but I knew that if I got a job I could in fact go on that trip next year. The summer going into my Sophomore year I got a job at Dribbles Ice Cream Shoppe. I worked as hard as any 15 year old could and I saved a lot of money, for a 15 year old. Now, going back to Sophomore year, I was pretty seasonally depressed... never going out, always tired and feeling worthless. Then, one day walking down the hall I saw it. The posters advertising the Guatemalan Service Trip. The second I saw those sheets on the wall I thought, “I’m gonna make that trip my bitch”... and I did. 

After that first service trip, I went on four more. 

- Tamahu, Guatemala ->  two times, (total= 2 wks.) to build houses for villagers

- San Jose, Costa Rica -> (2 wks.) to teach kids english

- Puebla, Mexico -> (1 wk.) to build a volunteer shelter

- McKee, Kentucky-> ( 1wk.) to build a house for a small family

From all those trips I saw a lot of different cultures and with those cultures came a lot of cool shit. I had blankets woven from Guatemalan natives, I had a tree painted with a beautiful bird from a local tico artist, and I even had a cool Mexican key chain with a stereotypical overweight man with a sombrero hat on it.  I have collected a lot of cool shit over the years but it brings me to this point in life. 

One of the rightful paths to take in college is, of course, to find yourself. Yes, I have bought a lot of things and I have seen a lot more but now when I look at those same Tibetan Prayer flags and little Buddhas I question if I am an imposter... do I really know what those represent? What those mean to the people who made them? 

I really don’t want to even have to ask myself these questions but the answers seem to all say “no”.  

I don’t know my shit on prayer flags or any other religion besides the catholic one... NO, don’t assume I am catholic because I am definitely not but I was forced to go to a catholic school for 8 years of my life so, yes, I was brainwashed (no offense) for quite some time by my parents beliefs. 

Since I am basically pretty ignorant in religion, my mission from here on out is this: 

EXPLORE EVERY TYPE OF RELIGION UNTIL I SEEMINGLY FIT INTO ONE. 

My first stop on that religion train, that I am pretty confident about is Buddhism. 

[ellyindanish-blog]

First Day at School

okay, so it’s not really my first day at school but that’s what it feels like every time I make a new blog.  Psssh don’t judge me I know you have hella blogs too... and that’s okay I think the more blogs the better. 

But this is definitely a real first for me on tumblr because this will be the first blog actually about my life. The ups the downs and just my everyday bordem. So let me catch you up on who I am as of now... 

- 18 years old

- go to college in Denver, Colorado (I’m leaving here in 36 days to go to school in Providence)

- I drink, smoke weed and do the occasional acid trip. (don’t hate the playa hate the game)

- I am on the road to spiritual enlightenment ( I.E. I like a lot of cool shit)

- My grandma just died. 

- I want to be a Marriage and Family Therapist ( Counseling Psychology is my major)

- I am technically single but I am “talking” to someone at the moment. ( So, there some hope)

- My mother has a crippling disease that I have a 50% chance of getting. 

- I have 3 siblings; Madison, Sean and Kelly. ( yes, they could get it too)

- I go to counseling once a week. 

Okay, okay so don’t get to caught up in the fact that I go to counseling. As Buddha once said “counseling is good for the soul”, but don’t quote me on that either because I totally made that up. But yeah, here I am take it or leave it 

but please take it... my tumblr is so lonely without any followers. 

I almost forgot!

My name is Ella and it’s a pleasure to meet you (: