ALL ALONG - CHAPTER THREE
Chapter Three: Wish You Were Here
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You hadn't seen Ellie since your patrol together. Usually, you wouldn't think much of not seeing her for such a short period of time. That was the norm during the summer - you would go weeks without hearing from her when she was with Kat. But your mind couldn't help but wonder. Despite your anxieties about her absence, you figured she was either with Kat or just tired from patrol - Maria had assigned your patrols to her, so she was patrolling about every day in your absence.
Meanwhile, you were stuck at home. Alone and ruminating. You begged Maria to let you do any assignment. You even offered to do barn duty and clean up after the horses. But she insisted that you rest. So, here you were alone at home and ruminating all while your leg felt totally fine.
But one thought that kept you going was the promise of Friday. The thought of getting one night to return to normal and not have any obligation other than laughing at Ellie's shitty jokes got you through the mundane days of walking around your house like a ghost.
On Friday afternoon, you took a nice, long shower and put more attention into your looks than you usually would. You don't really know why, but I guess you just wanted to feel pretty.
You changed into some grey sweatpants, a tank top, and a zip-up hoodie to protect yourself from the chill of the night on your walk over to Ellie's (part of your tradition was alternating houses every week, and this week was Ellie's turn)
After packing away the blanket Ellie had left last week, a VHS of Poltergeist, and a couple of snacks into your bag, you were on your way over to the detached garage Ellie called home.
The walk wasn't too far. A nice perk of your little community was that you could get anywhere in a couple of minutes. You took your time on the walk, letting yourself look at the decorations people put out for the fall, even if you were in a rush to get to Ellie's and enjoy her company.
You waltzed up to her door and knocked lightly once before letting yourself in, as you usually do.
"Oh shit, hey" Ellie giggled as she sat up in bed, untethering herself from the grasp of Kat, who was practically pulling her back down into the bed
"Oh sorry - am I early?" you questioned, even though you knew it was later than the time you both had long established
"Early for what, babe?" Kat questioned Ellie as she raked her fingernails across Ellie's freckled skin.
"Uh, fuck I'm sorry, you're not early. I totally spaced," Ellie giggled out as she swatted Kat's hand away playfully, really not paying any attention to you. "Can we raincheck? Tomorrow after patrol?"
"Yeah, sure" you sighed out, trying your best to put up a content front - like this didn't crush you.
"Cool" she rasped. "See you tomorrow." After she uttered those words, it was like you were a ghost in her doorway. Her full attention was on Kat. You'd be lying if you said none of this bothered you. No, you were actually pissed. Never once had you rescheduled your Friday movie nights - not even in the past when she was seeing Kat during the fall. What really broke you, though, was her lack of care - not only did she not see you when you were home-ridden and injured, she didn't even bother to ask how you were.
Getting the hint that somehow you were now intruding, you walked your ass out of there and closed the door.
You tried to put off the tears welling in your eyes, not really wanting to cry over this. It's not like it was a huge deal - plans change, you get it. But something about this felt devastating. Like you were an afterthought, completely forgotten.
When you got back to your house, you decided you wouldn't spend the night you were looking forward to crying over changed plans or wallowing in self-pity. So, you quickly dropped off your stuff and headed right back out to Jesse's house.
After a fast-paced walk, you were knocking on his door.
"You free?" you questioned quickly as he opened the door
"Yeah, Dina and I are just chilling. Come in," he said as he gestured you inside.
"Aren't you and Ellie doing movie night?" Dina questioned as you joined her on the couch. Dina even remembered and it's not her fucking tradition.
"Hmf, supposed to be" you scoffed as you took the joint that Dina so graciously pulled out and explained it all to them.
"I've never really liked Kat" Jesse admitted following your explanation "Something about her. I don't know"
"Oh, we know," Dina added, "but it's not all her fault. Ellie's the one letting her take over her life. 's not like this is the first time it's happened." she shrugged as she ashed the joint into the tray filled with gray dust.
"I can try and talk to her," Jesse offered politely, being as helpful and kind as always
"God no, you don't have to do that," you refused "It'll be like before. They'll fizzle out, and everything will be back to normal," you said, trying to convince yourself of your words.
"Well, the least I can do is give Kat shitty patrol routes" Jesse laughed as he inhaled the joint
"You already do that," Dina chimed in with a laugh, which made Jesse and you laugh as well.
"I'm scheduled for patrol with Ellie tomorrow anyways," you added when the laughter fizzled out, remembering you were finally cleared to resume your normal duties as soon as dawn hit
When the joint disappeared and the conversation died out, you decided it would be best to head back home to get a good night's sleep before getting back on your feet tomorrow.
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"What?" you murmured in confusion to Jesse as he pulled you to the side of the gate that guarded Jackson.
"I'm sorry man, I don't know much. She just told Maria she can't do patrol anymore. At least for a little while," Jesse explained
"Is she hurt or something?" You inquired, suddenly worried about Ellie
"No, I don't think so" he said with a shake of his head. "She probably just needs a break from it or something"
"Weird" you scoffed "She fucking loves patrol"
"Well, you'll see her tonight, right? Maybe she'll tell you more than she told Maria." Jesse shrugged as he mounted his horse
"Yeah, yeah" you concluded as you tried to shake the worry from your head
"Now, come on" Jesse urged as he cocked his head to the side. "Woods ain't gonna clear themselves"
"Christ, I forgot how much of a stickler you are on patrol," you huffed as you mounted Rainbow and followed Jesse. You loved Jesse; he was one of your closest friends. But on patrol, Mr. Fucking Jackson Wyoming could be a little too strict. It was nothing like it was with Ellie.
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Luckily, patrol was quick and easy - Jesse made sure to do an easy route, even though you told him he didn't have to "baby" you. But it was better, quite frankly, because you were honestly pretty distracted. You couldn't get your mind to stop thinking about Ellie's sudden lack of interest in patrol. When she was younger, all she would do is beg Joel and Tommy to put her on the schedule. She would even sneak out sometimes and tag along with other groups when she wasn't cleared and had to be ushered home. Never in a million years would she willingly stop.
When you got back to your house, you didn't waste a second before showering and getting ready to go over to Ellie's. Once again, you brought her blanket and the VHS tape in hand and marched over to her house. Given the walk was short, you didn't have much time to get in your head about everything. The only thing on your mind was getting to see your best friend and making sure she was okay.
You freed up one hand and brought it to knock on her garage door. Hearing no response or shuffle from inside, you went for the doorknob. Locked.
Sure, you were a little early, but only by ten minutes. You thought maybe she was in the main house with Joel, so you went and tried that door instead - knocking and waiting.
After a couple of seconds, you heard Joel's grumbly voice echo, "One second"
Joel opened the door to you with a welcoming smile. "Well, hi there, little miss"
"Hi Joel, how are you?" you asked, genuinely, taking note of the grey hairs peeking through his beard and wrinkles around his eyes.
"Oh, you know, trying to ignore the creaks in my old bones and whatnot," he said with a burly laugh
"You're kind, but you're a liar," he laughed warmly. "Now what brings you over here?"
"I just thought maybe Ellie was inside? She wasn't in her room," you explained
"Oh, she ain't here - she went over to some girl's house. What's her name? It's like an animal or something," he said, searching for the girl's name
"Yeah, Kat, that's it" he nodded. "Did y'all have plans or something?" he asked as he noted the items you were holding
"No, I was just dropping these off," you lied, not really wanting to explain how you had been ditched by Ellie.
"Oh well, I can take them off your hands"
You handed over the blanket and tape to Joel, and politely refused his offer to stay for a cup of tea. Instead, you turned on your heels and headed in the direction of your house.
About halfway home, you caught sight of Ellie and Kat walking hand in hand. You were far enough away that you couldn't make anything out too clearly, but enough to see Kat swat away Ellie's hand before breaking apart fully, each going a different direction - Ellie towards you and Kat back towards her house.
You caught Ellie's gaze as you got closer to her, giving her a nod of the head
"Hey" Ellie called out as she jogged over to you, closing the distance
"Hi" you said back shyly, suddenly feeling a rush of nervousness in her presence
"My house is in the other direction, you know," she teased with a shaky smile
"Yeah, I was just there. Your door was locked, and Joel said you were out, so I just figured..." you trailed off, hoping she would get the hint without you having to say you thought she ditched you.
"Shit, sorry. I uh - " she started, but you cut her off
"'s fine, really" you said. You really didn't feel like hearing how she got swept away by Kat "We can rain check again if you wanna go back to Kat's"
"No, no," she refuted as she held up her arms defensively. "She's mad at me anyway right now"
"Oh?" your voice rang out in an octave higher than it usually is. "Everything okay?"
"Yeah, nothing to worry about," she said, brushing the question off. "Now let's go"
Not wanting to press anymore, you accepted her vague answer and figured she would talk about it later if she wanted to.
Back at her house, you and Ellie sat on her beaten-up sofa as she clicked through the menu screen of the Poltergeist, flicking between the unrated and rated version - eventually landing on the unrated.
"Unrated?" you questioned with a raised eyebrow. "I'm gonna have nightmares for a week"
"It'll be good, I promise," she cooed. "I'm here if you get too scared," she shyly murmured
A warm smile crept up your face at her comfort. Despite the anxieties that plagued you when you were apart and left wondering, when you were together with Ellie, they melted away. When she was with you, it was like nothing else existed except the two of you.
Halfway through the movie, after scare after scare, you realized you were the closest you had ever been to Ellie, not counting the times you woke up cuddling her after a sleepover. Your head rested on her shoulder as your hand clutched her arm and your thighs were pressed together. Your heart raced, and you were sure it would still be racing even if you weren't scared half to death.
You tried to control your ragged breathing and ignore the feeling of her skin on your fingertips. You tried to stay as still as possible. You tried to ignore the urge to drape your leg over hers to get closer. You didn't want to abruptly get up, but you also felt like you were crossing another line of your friendship if you stayed in your position.
"You okay?" Ellie giggled as she turned her head to look at you
"Yeah, yeah," you assured as you peeled yourself away from her reluctantly. "This movie is just scary as shit"
"We can turn it off, then," Ellie posed as she hit the pause button. "Scaredy cat"
"Shut up," you rasped as you hit her with one of the throw pillows she had on her couch
"Oh, that's how it is?" she laughed with a grin
Ellie grabbed the pillow from your hands and hit you back with it square in the head, and then tried to hit you again, but instead hit the mugs of tea you had on the coffee table. The lukewarm liquid splashed over both of you. Ellie's jeans were covered in chamomile tea while your shirt clung to your body from the spilled liquid.
Both of you erupted into laughter at the events, doubling over and clutching your stomachs.
"Shit" Ellie choked out, trying to catch her breath while still laughing
"I'm gonna get you back for that, you know?" you teased as you tossed the pillow across the room
"Yeah? How?" she pressed, turning her body towards you, her eyes suddenly filled with a darkness you hadn't seen before. You'd be lying if you said your stomach wasn't in fucking knots at the sight
"Like I'm gonna tell you," you said, shifting in your seat and averting your eyes to the ground "gotta keep the element of surprise"
"Whatever," she chuckled as she rubbed the back of her neck. "lemme get you some new clothes," she offered as she got up and sauntered over to her closet.
You watched as she pulled out two sets of t-shirts and boxers. She threw one set over to you and placed the other set on the bed. You examined the clothes in your hands. A scroungy old band t-shirt she had gotten on patrol a while back. You had secretly always wanted to steal it from her, or have her give it to you.
You had changed in front of Ellie before. Countless times. But for some reason, right now, it felt different. Before, when you caught glances of her taut back muscles, you chalked the staring up to a normal curiosity. But you couldn't ignore now the immense craving you had to stare at every indent of her skin and every freckle that littered the surface.
Not giving yourself the chance to indulge in whatever weird fucking desires your head was conjuring up, you turned away from her and faced the wall. You slipped off your tea-stained shirt and jeans, and pulled the fresh shirt over your head before stepping into the boxers. When you turned back around, Ellie was already dressed, and her eyes were trained on you. That was until she quickly averted her gaze and started meticulously folding her clothes, which was out of the norm for the girl who stuffs her dirty clothes into the edge of her closet.
"Uhm, better?" Ellie asked as she cleared her throat and threw her folded clothes into the dirty pile in her closet.
"Yeah, thanks," you smiled as you shifted the weight between your two feet, suddenly feeling nervous. You decided that your nervousness would be less apparent if you were sitting down, so you opted to take a seat on Ellie's bed.
"Jesse told me you're stopping patrols," you blurted out all of a sudden
"Uhm...yeah," Ellie responded carefully as she sat down on the opposite side of the bed
"Why?" you pressed as you grew more comfortable, turning your body to face her. "You love patrolling"
"Just not loving it so much anymore," she shrugged as she placed her hands behind her head as she laid down
"You're a shitty liar," you said with a cold laugh. "Come on, it's me - you can tell me," you said as you playfully nudged her arm
"Not lying," she repeated as she cast her eyes up to the ceiling
"Well, whenever you wanna talk about it, I'm all ears," you assured.
Ellie and you fell into a comfortable silence, until an idea popped in your head.
"Oh, wait!" you exclaimed as you jumped off the bed and pranced over to the jeans you were previously wearing that were now sitting on the floor. You dug into the pocket and pulled out your Walkman, which already had the Radiohead tape in it you got on patrol last week.
"We never got to listen to this," you said as you held up the music player, to which she nodded to and smiled.
You nuzzled back into bed next to Ellie and handed her one of the wired earbuds, placing the other earbud in your ear.
You pressed play and let the music overwhelm your senses, taking in the moment. You closed your eyes, letting the sounds lull you to sleep.
Ellie, on the other hand, and unbeknownst to you, was wide awake and utterly incapable of sleeping. While she listened to the music, she watched as you slept and shed a tear. She knew what she had to do would kill you - she just wanted you to have one last good memory with her.
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When you woke up, you were hoping you had gotten up early enough to experience the warmth of Ellie pressed against you to fill that longing in yourself you still couldn't pinpoint. But, instead, you woke up to a cold and empty bed. When your eyes adjusted to the light, you peered around her room, searching for any sign of her. None.
You made up her bed and picked up your clothes, examining each surface to see if she left behind a note. Not finding a single etching from her, you left, but not before stealing a hoodie from her closet and throwing it on.
After dropping your things off at home and changing, you headed out to the coffee shop to grab a coffee to ease the dull ache you felt in your bones that came with mornings. You sipped on your black coffee as you sat at a table outside, watching as the world passed by. People watching was a hobby you had taken up in the past years. Something about watching people do the mundane tasks made you feel a sense of normalcy and helped you, even if just for a second, ignore the state of the world you were living in.
Once you decided your level of people watching had teetered on the edge of staring and stalking, you called it quits.
Unsure what to do with the rest of your day, you decided to just go home and figure it out from there, figuring an idea would come to you or someone would make plans, which was usually the case. If you weren't scheduled for duty, there was only so much to do in Jackson. Bordeom was a perpetual disease in town.
Luckily, the rest of your week alternated between patrol and guard duty, filling your days and nights. Given Ellie had stopped patrols, you hadn't seen her since your last movie night. And as Fall was coming to an end as Halloween approached, your movie nights were numbered. You grew anxious at the thought of not having set plans with Ellie - the tradition was assurance that you would get to see her. Without them, and with Kat back in the picture, you weren't sure if you would see her at all, especially with how things were going now.
But all those worries went away on Friday. They were pushed aside until the next day when you had all the time in the world to ruminate. As always, you set up your TV, snacks, and blanket and awaited your bestfriend's arrival. A part of you was embarrassed of how excited you were to see her walk through the door. Like a pet anxiously waiting for their owner's arrival. But you couldn't help it.
Your excitement gradually dissipated as you watched the hands on the clock tick by and the moonlight shine brighter through your window. Ellie's track record this fall wasn't perfect, but she had shown up every time. Every time except for now. You finally figured she wasn't coming when you felt your leg go numb underneath you for not having moved in an embarrassingly long amount of time.
"Fucking idiot," you cursed at yourself, feeling a deep sense of embarrassment for how upset you were for her abandonment.
You racked your mind, trying to pinpoint any reason for her not coming. Kat, was the obvious one. But the deep parts of your brain thought that maybe you did something you weren't aware of. Or maybe you figured she was just over the tradition. Or you.
Those thoughts became amplified as more time went on. Days went by without a word from her. And when each Friday came, the same fate ensued.
You couldn't understand why Ellie was avoiding you. You didn't do anything wrong. At least, there was nothing you could think of. In the blink of an eye, while she was the center of your world and your best friend, you weren't hers. Or that's what it seemed like to you. You thought of confronting her; you even tried one night when you couldn't stop crying, but that wasn't like you. You couldn't decide what fate was worse - her blatantly ignoring your existence or hearing the words come out of her mouth about why she was avoiding you.
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Halloween had finally crept up - the final close of fall. Your plans consisted of staying home with the lights off and lighting up a joint until you inevitably fell asleep on the couch with your hand buried in a bag of candy. But, when you told Dina of those plans, she was not having it.
"That is the saddest thing I have ever heard," Dina said point blank with her jaw slack
"Yeah, well I'm sad!" you bit back as you sprawled out on your bed dramatically
"You can be sad and not hole up in your house. You've been isolating for weeks," she quipped. She wasn't wrong.
"I really don't see a problem with becoming a hermit," you said back in all seriousness.
"No. No! Get your ass up" Dina urged as she physically pulled you out of bed, causing you to groan overdramatically. "it's Halloween, I'm throwing a party, and you're coming"
"But Dina" you huffed out, dragging the last syllable of her name
"Ellie's gonna be there," you sighed out "She obviously does not wanna see me"
"Well, this will give you a chance to see her and figure out whatever the fuck she is doing. You haven't sought her out either, you know"
Dina had hosted her typical parties the past few weeks and practically begged you to come so you could get a chance to talk to Ellie. Each time, you had gotten ready and prepared yourself, but couldn't make it out of your front door. Your anxiety paralyzed you in a way you had never felt before. You could kill an infected without blinking an eye, but confronting Ellie? Utterly debilitating.
You felt like a coward. It was Ellie. Whatever it was, it had to be fixable. And quite frankly, you were growing tired of the ache that filled your soul without her. You wanted your best friend back. You needed answers. Luckily, Dina was hosting another one of her parties, and as always, begged you to make an appearance.
"God, fine" you reluctantly agreed "I'll come"
"Thank God" Dina breathed out with a sigh of relief "I really did not wanna have to physically carry you over"
Dina stayed as you got ready, helping you pick out an outfit and also to ensure you actually made it out the door. You and Dina headed to hers early so you both could finish the decorations and get a head start on drinking. And drink you did. Before anyone even arrived, you were far past tipsy and bordering on the edge of blackout.
While Dina had made her way out to the living room, you opted to stay in Dina's room in an attempt to build up enough courage to show your face to the people filtering in. Each time you heard the door open, you listened in, trying to decipher who had arrived. You felt stuck to the soft comforter beneath you on Dina's bed - your anxiety winning. One more shot couldn't hurt, right?
You grabbed the bottle Dina had given to you earlier and took a swig of the brown liquor. Without giving yourself time to think, you, and the bottle, finally stood up shakily and floated towards the voices echoing from the living room.
"There she is!" Dina yelled out as she saw you approaching
You gave her a half smile and a chuckle as you scanned the room. Jesse and Dina sat on the couch while Ellie and Kat sat smushed together in a recliner. While Jesse and Dina smiled, Kat's face was unreadable - somewhere between annoyed and indifferent. Ellie, on the other hand, didn't even look in your direction.
Even though your heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces, you didn't retreat back into Dina's room like your mind was begging you to do. Instead, your legs carried you over to the couch next to Dina and Jesse.
You joined their conversation as best you could, but mostly just listened - the alcohol and anxiety made it hard for you to formulate any coherent sentence or response.
While you were faced away from Ellie, you couldn't help but feel like eyes were burning a hole through the back of you. But you didn't dare turn around.
You downed another shot from the bottle in your hand and stayed on the couch, even when Dina and Jesse got up to go prepare the Halloween-themed food - ghost marshmallows and mummies in a blanket, as Dina explained.
While you sat alone, your best friend was only three feet away from you and failed to even utter a polite hello. It made your blood fucking boil.
The alcohol that you consumed and the growing anger you had been harboring controlled your moves. You got up from your seat, with only a slight stumble, and marched over to Ellie.
"Ellie?" you rang out, your voice sounding louder than you intended.
"Mm" she hummed as she looked up at you briefly, before casting her eyes back down to the joint she was rolling
"Get up" you stated without slurring your words, your pent-up emotions finally coming out
Everyone in the house hushed and focused solely on you. Like a giant fucking spotlight was on you. But you didn't care. You didn't care what you needed to do. How mean you had to be. You just needed Ellie to give you something, anything.
For a brief second, Ellie's eyes shifted. The nonchalant, careless glaze she had over her eyes disappeared when your words hit her. For a second, she looked like the Ellie you had known.
"I said get up" you repeated, keeping your eyes trained on her as you pulled her arm to get her to stand
She looked over to Kat, who gave her an approving nod, and got up. You grabbed her forearm once more and dragged her out onto Dina's front porch.
Once the door was closed behind you, you turned to face her.
"What the fuck is your problem?" Ellie asked as she released her arm from your grip
"What is my problem? Are you joking?" you began. "Where the fuck have you been, Ellie?"
She let out a forced chuckle. "Here?"
"Don't be a dick, you know what I mean. I haven't seen you in weeks," you spoke out, your voice only slightly breaking
"Oh come on, it hasn't been that long. I've gone longer without seeing you." She said, playing it off
"Cut the bullshit, Ellie. You stopped patrolling with me. You stopped coming over. You stopped our fucking tradition - I'm not fucking blind; I know you're avoiding me," you said, punctuating each statement clearly.
"God, I'm not avoiding you, you're being dramatic." Her condescending tone and vagueness sent you over the edge.
"Why can't you give me a straight answer?" you huffed as you pleaded with her
"Because there really isn't one," she said as she brought her hand to her neck "I just got other shit going on right now. I'm just trying to prioritize"
"You're an asshole," you said as you pushed her shoulder, making her stumble backwards "Am I not a priority to you?"
She just stood there, silent and unwavering.
"I miss you," you choked out through pent-up tears
Ellie's eyebrows scrunched together as she shut her eyes tight, before she brought her fingers to rub the bridge of her nose. She let out a loud sigh, but not any words. Not the "I miss you too" that you so desperately wanted to hear.
Your eyes welled up with tears at the lack of response from her.
"Ellie, I - " you started but were interrupted by the front door opening
"Everything okay out here, babe?" Kat chirped
"Yeah, we're good," she said with a hint of a sniffle as she dusted off her hands on her jeans.
"Come back in then, I miss you!" Kat's voice scratched your eardrums.
Ellie shot you one last look before shaking her hand and following Kat inside, leaving you there on the porch.
"What the fuck?" you whispered to yourself as you backed against the wall. You placed your head in your hands and sank until you hit the ground, welcoming the cold feeling beneath you.
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