So back in 2014 i started typing out my life story to post on project suicide. I never finished. Literally just found this in my drafts. Tumblr won't let me post it all at once, but I have typed up to Aprilish 2008. I won't be doing much editing. I would just effortlessly type what I could on my breaks at work in 2014. Some of this trauma I have since suppressed and don't remember. Or maybe it is all the brain cells I've fried in all my suicide attempts since then. Either way, I won't be doing much editing, but if people want me to continue typing, I will, and be a better story teller. I'm very suicidal so I will do as much as I can.
well when I was three I don't even remember this but my mom told me we were at her friends house and I was playing on a swing set that has one of those climbing ropes, apparently I put it around my neck and jumped off. I got my dog scooter when I was six(my shih Tzu). he was my only friend. one day when my mom picked me up from the bus stop with scooter, he stood up and there was a pool of blood under him. it was a problem with his neutering. luckily he was okay but had to wear an orange diaper. in school I was harassed, tormented, bullied. I was am easy target because I was shy and they knew I wouldn't fight back. I hated recess. I was the one who just sat or wandered around because nobody wanted to play with the weird kid. I'd get made fun of in elementary school because at the end of lunch they would come get me so i could take my meds. later on in school years people would tell me things like my mom should have aborted me. got told i should get raped and maybe then I'd have a reason to be depressed. I'd invite people to my birthday parties every year. people would act like they were friends then turn around and bully me and talk behind my back. some would say they'd show up. i just sat staring out the window. no one showed up. in school they called me dumb because I had a tutor because I have learning disabilities. 'ali, the dumb people lady is here to see you'. I'd get pulled out of classes to go to speech, tutor, testing... I hated when the teacher said 'find a partner' or 'trade your paper with someone else'. I had no one. a lot of times the teacher had to be my partner. always sat alone alone at lunch. I'd beg to be home schooled or transferred, but my mom refused. I was put on medication I believe I was four. baby sitters I had I remember one she was talking to someone on the phone making fun of me because I was on Ritalin. when I was seven I tried to hang myself from my bunk bed. my parents divorced when I was seven and it was so hard on me. shit, it still is. my dad always said he'd never get married again. (he had been married before I was born). didn't find out till I was sixteen that the reason my parents divorced was because my mom cheated with my now step dad. they got together right away. at first I thought he was cool, he played with my sister and I a lot. then he started yelling and hurting me. I got in trouble for crying and he'd squeeze my wrist, hard. my dad got with my now step mom when I was eight. I hated her. and her daughter. another person to be compared to. my sister is little miss perfect. they moved in quickly, and Melanie my step sister started calling my family her family. sue my step mom tried to act like she was my mother. I already have a mother I don't need two. I have a brother too, but I rarely see him. talking about years with no contact. in the fourth grade, I got two cats. kitcat and Elmo. unfortunately kitcat died in 2004, about a month shy of his fifth birthday. Elmo is still here. he's fifteen and still acts young. best cat ever. when I was about nine, I tried to hang myself from a clothesline with scooters chain. I also watched as scooter got hit by a car. luckily he survived. end of fifth grade we moved out of my child hood home. I was devastated. I loved that house. dude who moved in is crazy and ruined the whole damn thing. fifth grade was also when they put me on Prozac and paxil. sixth grade was cool. that's when we got my dog Annie, and I met my friend Matt. he had had a kidney transplant a year before. he had the biggest crush on me, but I only saw him as a friend. we were still close though. (my first crush was in kindergarten!) all the boys i ever had a crush on made fun of me and rejected me. I had a crush on this kid Brandon. we had a Valentine's dance and my friend ayla asked Brandon if he'd dance with me on the next slow song. he said maybe. next slow song was hero by Enrique Iglesias. to this day i still hate that song. I looked over and saw Brandon dancing with another girl. that was also the year my dad left me home from a family vacation because I didn't
want Melanie and sue to come along. he also cancelled my birthday party because I didn't want them there. when I was twelve, I met my first boyfriend, Mike. my parents did not approve, said we're too young. after a few months, he disappeared, moved to Florida I guess. my seventh grade year sucked. all of my 'friends' turned their back on me, threatened to beat me up. I didn't even do anything. end of December Mike randomly came back. I snuck out to go on a date with him. my friend ayla's mom drove us. Mike gave me my first kiss. my parents found out and I was grounded. then, Mike cheated on me with ayla. they fooled around, I didn't know what any of that was. didn't know what sex was. ayla would rub it in my face, brag about it, and call me a prude. then all of my 'friends' started threatening me, calling me names. writing nasty vulgar notes to me. my dad had to go talk to some of their parents.