skinn_deep

This is my virtual diary no one knows about. I don't recommend reading this as it is quite sad. Go off tho, it's a secret however so shhhhh.

[emagirl]

I don't know why I feel shock, it's not like I didn't know she only likes a part of me. The part I let her see. I have a feeling she won't be back no matter what I said or what she said.

I thought you were my person. My life partner, but I was just reminded that while you are my best friend...I am not yours.

And my mother. Showing up to court with our abuser. Just wow. I don't know how to feel about that.

Same wish. Two years later. I want to know love or death. I'll accept either. Taking applications. Jk. I know no one wants me. So line up my death, be kind and make it quick. Thanks.

[emagirl]

I don't think anyone would miss me.

They might be sad to hear that I was gone.

But miss me? No.

Probably relieved is more like it.

I'm seriously considering if I want to be here.

It sucks here.

I've had so much abuse and emotional negligence.

I am suffering and it's so unfair.

Yea, sure I have a place to stay and I know there are people worse off than myself physically.

But emotionally?

I am suffering.

All alone.

[emagirl]

It's absolutely incredible that I had to suffer through a racist conversation with a little transphobia thrown in and I'M the bad guy for saying something I didn't mean for ANYONE to hear. No it was not very nice, but I did try to hide my feelings. I thought I was saying something in private to two girlfriends, but was overheard by people it was not meant for. Even then, I put MYSELF in a time out to cool off. I honestly did not mean for anyone to hear me, but my two girlfriends. I do wish I hadn't said it, if only because I fucked up my happy place. However, after thinking about it for awhile I decided that none of those people actually like me. They like the person I've LET them see. Not the actual me, they don't even bother to get to know the real me. Because we all know they wouldn't actually like me, this whole accident proves it.

I still apologized to the people I hurt. Even though what I said was absolutely true. I literally went to school and learned how to recognize the signs and how to identify them. It's in my fucking job description, I can't turn it off it comes naturally now. Yet here I am facing punishment for something no one was supposed to hear.

Fuck my life.

[emagirl]

Laying here thinking of ways I can kill myself... Sweet relief... So close and yet... So far. I'm trying to remember how the people around me would feel about me doing that to myself... But... Tbh I'm not sure they'd miss me. Maybe he might... But... He's so far away our connection gets muffled... He'd probably be sad for awhile, but would forget me soon enough. Like everyone does.

He'll half the time they're forgetting me when I'm staring them in the face.

[emagirl]

What does unconditional love feel like from your family?

What does having a best friend feel like?

What does love feel like?

I'm not sure if I've ever experienced any of these things to be honest.

And that might possibly be the saddest thing ever.

I know I have good things sometimes.

But never have I had these three things all at once and some not at all...

And aren't these things the only things that truly matters?

It boils down to one word, love.

I've only experienced conditional love.

And I don't think that's real love.

[emagirl]

My biggest wish still hasn't changed. I wish to not exist.

[emagirl]

Imagine having a family that kicks you out every time you make a mistake. The repeated trauma of that happening has severly scarred me, but yea there's something wrong with me. YOU. You caused it. You're why I have no ability to trust or believe in people, cause when you live with a narcissist you know that love is conditional on toeing their line.

[emagirl]

I didn't even say anything mean, I didn't call anyone names, I did say some things in anger. But I apologized for them, however one boundary was crossed. I had to draw a line there.

[emagirl]

My dad is the worst, he makes everything worse. I had apologized already for yelling and for what I did, but when I set a boundary that's out of line.

[emagirl]

I don't think I've ever been appreciated for who I am as a person and that makes me incredibly sad...

[emagirl]

I'm so done with people. Some of you have disgusting views and I can't stand it. How can you look in the mirror and tell parents, "well if you had guns you could have just killed him yourself!" As if taking a life is so easy. What the fuck is wrong with all of you. It makes me sick.

[emagirl]

There is so much hate in the world. It is so LOUD...and I seem to attract and extraordinary amount of it. I know that I have a big mouth and that I have to speak up in the face of misinformation and confirmation bias, but when did it become ok to be completely disrespectful to the person? They used to teach how to talk to one another about our differences, perhaps we should return to this practice? 

As a woman, I’ve been called everything under the sun; awful things, terrible things, hurtful things. Fortunately, I have developed a thick skin for being called names, I’ve been hearing words like that from a very young age. They’re hurtful, yes; but only if I let them be. I am not the things others call me. 

However, there is something wrong with me. Why do I say such rude things to others? What TF compels me to say some of the things that have come out of my mouth? I never hear it until much later, the thing I said. It’s like I check out and don’t really process that it’s rude? It’s so bad that I’ve chosen to not talk to others in a group setting because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. And yet? I always seem to. It’s so goddamn frustrating. But not as frustrating as having to listen to people spout their hatred, bigotry, misogyny, know how wrong they are and being powerless to do anything more than speak up. But speaking up always leads to me getting so much hate back because I don’t believe in staying silent to please those that are part of the problem. 

I may be annoying. I may even come off as self-righteous at times, but at least I’m not them. More interested in themselves and sticking to their awful beliefs than even trying to listen to a different view. And I’M the difficult one? Who is the stronger person? The one that challenges you using facts and attempts to reason with you? Or the one that yells profanities and uses opinions to justify such atrocious beliefs?

[emagirl]

The light in my life has gone out and nothing in this world will ever replace the love I had for my sweet Taya. I miss her so much my day is awful, I can't sleep knowing you're not there when I wake up, my love. Everything feels just mediocre without you here, my one and only love. The single light in my awful life. Gone.

[emagirl]

I've always thought it was a bad idea for me to live alone, because I would probably kill myself with no one there to stop me. Now that the love of my life is gone...I don't know if I wanna even stay. This world is a horrible cruel place that I can barely stand and the one thing I lived for is gone.

[emagirl]

It's really beginning to look like I'm just a big loser. An unhappy, no talent, no ability to do anything but read really well...loser.

[emagirl]

Dream Wishes

I wish you'd think of me. I wish you'd loved me a least for a while. I wish I had listened to my heart when it was telling me you would never love me. I wish that you and your friends hadn't pressured me into being with you. I wish that we had never been. I wish that I hadn't been so attracted to you. I wish you had never been attracted to me. I wish you had never come for me.

I never thought you would like me. I wasn't pretty enough for you. You were this gorgeous man with this deep ass sexy voice. The first time I met you I remember telling myself "NO!" and "He'd never like you!" But you did...and you came for me. I still remember the party, the move you made for me. I can picture it in my mind because I was so excited that "holy crap you did like me!" We were all sitting around my backyard/pool, bullshitting and talking, smoking and drinking... I'm sitting and all the chairs are full, you come out and look around for somewhere to sit and I being the gracious host, move out of my chair for you. As I'm moving to a new spot; I suddenly feel your hands slide around my waist, pulling me towards you as you sit in my previously occupied chair.

How could you? How could you come for me knowing you'd never love me? For awhile it was like you couldn't get enough of me. Always there, always time for me. Hell you helped me look for my puppy when she was scared amd hurt and missing. I thought then you'd tell me you'd love me. I thought that proved it. It made me love you, after all.

I told you I loved you at that end of the year. Midnight on NYE, it's romantic...I thought...for sure you'd say it back, right?! Oh how wrong I was...so very wrong... I remember taking the plunge and saying it... Midnight kiss *deep breath* "I love you." I say. You look at me and I know you can see the wish in my eyes, the hope. I never could hide my emotions in them, window to my soul is damn straight. And you kiss me again and hug me tight, but say nothing...and my heart bursts...into millions of pieces. Nothing, I think...he said nothing... My head goes a mile a minute the next few hours...you never stop smiling and we're still having fun... Partying with our friends having a blast. The next day I ask...it was the boldest question I've ever asked... "(Bfs name) did you hear me last night?" You pause, look at me. I can tell you're reading me; not wanting to hurt me, but at the same time choosing to be honest. You nod slowly. "And you don't feel the same way...?" I ask...hoping you'll say otherwise still. You nod again, agreeing and acknowledging my question. My heart bursts again, but I surprisingly don't cry... "You knew", I thought. "You already knew and you tried anyway." I leave and tell myself I'm not coming back. I can't stay. I won't stay. Why stay with someone you know doesn't love you?!

The next day, you call. My heart jumps at the sight of your call. "NO!" I shout to myself, leave him be. Ignore him! He doesn't love you. "Why are you even calling me?!" I think. "You don't love me, you just told me... Why are you bothering with me?!" I don't answer; somewhere in my gut I gain the courage to say no, but our mutual friend calls me and wants to hang out. I answer him of course and we go...after a few hours he asks the question I know he's here for. "(Bf's name) said you didn't answer him today." I stare at him, contemplate my answer and plunge for honesty. "He doesn't love me back." I say. He paused..."I know (bf's name) cares for you, you've only been dating a few months. Why in such a hurry?" I think this through and think he's probably right... "Maybe (bf's name) just is not ready to tell me yet?" I think, lying to myself.

You call again the next day wanting to see me, wanting to hang out. In my mind I think "WHY?!" But I love you and my heart wants you, so I agree. Foolishly hoping. I was such a big fool. We hang out all day and it's a blast, as always. We were good together for a time...it was so good at first... But it was a lie and from then on I knew it and it was like you broke my heart every day. Literally. I was always hoping, every day, today would be the day he tells me 'i love you'. Every day for the next year and a half, slow steady torture of the heart. I pretended a lot that it was fine, but we both knew and it ruined what little we had. Which as I look back now was nothing more than you getting over the girl you did love. It was always about her, I should have known. The night she asks you to drive her home from the bar the next day and you agree, was like a knife. "I'm just picking her up and taking her home, nothing more I promise." You kiss me and leave our bed for her. I should have walked then. I bet you did cheat on me. I'm sure you did. Why wouldn't you, it's not like you loved me. But still my heart wouldn't let go... I stayed. I should have left. I wish I had. But the heart is a strange thing and sometimes it's so powerful that it over-rules the smarter more conscious mind.

I did love you. I so did. More than I can say and sometimes I still remember that feeling. Loving so hard and knowing that it wasn't returned. It's stayed with me. Even now. That wound you created never fully healed, I just got used to it being there. Some days it's bigger than others; some days it's a needle prick of a hole, other days it's like Niagra falls of pain radiating through my chest. I hate that. I wish you had never created that hole. I wish you had just left me alone when you knew you didn't love me. I wish you had stopped talking to me. You pursued me in the first place. I tried to stay away, I really did. I wish you hadn't made me know, unrequited love.

[emagirl]

Re-watching The Legend of Korra and relating to Chief Beifong. They're trying to force her to accept an apology; when shes clearly still hurting over it, yet no one takes the time to listen to her feelings...