musings&rambles thought&word&feelings

[emdmdrambles-blog]

I’m so angry

All the time lately I just want to swear and quit

I want to quit school

But the end is too close to quit now

I want to quit breastfeeding

Breastfeeding infuriates me

Delaney fights it and doesn’t gain enough from it and Michael thinks it’s useless

The only reason I don’t quit is my pride and my hope that it will keep her healthy

But I end up mad at her and swearing under my breath every time

Honestly a lot of the time I think I should quit being a mom

I certainly shouldn’t be a pastor’s wife

I’m so angry all the time

I shouldn’t even start coaching

I’m failing at fitness too

I think I’m making progress then I see a picture and I’m HUGE

who the crap am I kidding

I’m tired of being angry

I’m constantly feeling guilty

For complaining

For being angry

I’m angry

For swearing

For failing

I hate this

I’m not worthy of my baby

Of my husband

Of my God

Even of this stupid town I hate so much

I feel bad that I hate it

Now I’m angry because tears are messing up my makeup and I’m not getting reading done

I hate this

I hate me

[emdmdrambles-blog]

Marriage is...

Teaching Michael how to floss

Debating about guacamole/avocados

Pulling hair out of his back

Michael racking himself during sex

Checking his armpits for bites

Having zero bathroom boundaries

Michael realizing his mom may have seen a condom in our room and LOSING it

Juggling baby, dishes, homework, etc

So sweet

[emdmdrambles-blog]

Sometimes I feel like a terrible mother

Delaney screams and I just want to scream back because I’m so tired

I’m doing everything in my power to make her happy

She’s so tired but every time she starts to fall asleep she wakes herself back up

I change her diaper

I feed her (4 times in the last 3 hours)

I gave her gas drops to ease her baby belly

But she won’t go to sleep and she’s only happy for short periods of time

I don’t know what to do and I feel terrible

[emdmdrambles-blog]

Lord, teach me what it looks like to serve and glorify you in this part of motherhood - in the late nights & early mornings, dirty diapers & screaming fits, breastfeeding & pumping, desperately trying to keep baby happy & healthy & myself sane.

I feel claustrophobic & useless. I feel hopeless & helpless. I feel so unworthy & unprepared to be the life source & protector of this tiny baby of mine. God, remind me that you are my sustainer as I sustain her. You hold her soul & her life, I just hold her little body & pray you protect the rest. Lord, help me trust you.

I am full of fear, but you are the only one worthy of my righteous fear & simultaneous trust. I can not control anything & you control it all. Let that fact bring not anxiety but rest to my soul. You are good & love my baby more than I ever could. You are good.

Fill me with truth. Rewrite my anxious thoughts. Reroute my idolatrous heart. Make my world about you again, as my heart revolves around baby.

[emdmdrambles-blog]

Motherhood

My sweet Delaney is only 5 days old, but already I’m bursting with new motherly experience, feelings, and thoughts.

- I had no idea it was possible to love someone so wholeheartedly and self sacrificially. I don’t say that in a bragging way, but in utter bewilderment of my total devotion to this baby’s wellbeing. I’d do anything to make sure she is safe and thriving.

- In that same vein, I cry about everythingggg. If she’s cute, I cry. If she’s sad, I cry. If she’s not eating, I cry. If she’s not pooping, I cry. When she finally poops, I cry. The happy tears and scared tears and everything in between tears are constant.

- I miss my husband, which is silly because we’ve been together more this week than we ever are, but we’ve been exhausted and fully focused on baby. I miss cuddles and time to ourselves.

- I’m simultaneously desperate to get out of the house and dying for everyone to leave us alone. Even my own family members are annoying after a little bit. I just want to rest and be with my little family.

- Recovery from birth has been easier than I expected, but painful in ways I did not. I’m hardly bleeding anymore but my neck and shoulders and head hurt constantly from craning during breastfeeding and pushing during labor.

[emdmdrambles-blog]

Pregnancy log: 35 weeks

Today I

- got out of bed at 8:40

- ate cereal & grapes

- drank my red raspberry tea

- looked up my loans & cried

- more like sobbed

- ordered a motherhood devotional

- got ready, picked up Michael, & went to my appointment

- dropped off something with Jenna & got to kiss on my Loralee *highlight of the day & mood lifter at this point*

- came home and pan seared a whole sweet potato & whole avocado

- consumed both

- going to nap now

[emdmdrambles-blog]

do not forget

I have been so blessed, I must not forget such sweet moments

- last night Michael and I put on The Beach Boys record, snacked on an apple & peanut butter, and played bananagrams in our underwear (I won, again :))

- when I said goodbye to Loralee she was so overwhelmed by her loud relatives that she wouldn’t stop crying until I held her. Even in Jeff’s arms, she cried and cried. It was the sweetest and saddest way to walk away.

- Jenna and Jeff gave us a completely unprecedented “babysitting bonus” to help with maternity leave that will essentially save our lives over the next few months.

- I called my daddy last night and just chatted for 45 minutes. I’ve never desired to do that before and it was easy and fun and sweet. I am so thankful for the work the Lord has done on my heart towards my dad.

[emdmdrambles-blog]

I’m pretty lonely these days

Since school got out I’ve kinda just worked and read and met up with Hannah every once in awhile

I’m just too tired to go out and do much

And I feel like when I do talk to people all we discuss is baby

Which is all I talk and think about anyways

I kinda wish I could have a normal day and be me and not think about baby or feel so weighed down (literally)

But I love this baby more than any friend I could spend time with so it’s okay

I do worry about how lonely I’m going to feel when these friends are hours and hours away

If I’m too tired to hang out with already established friends I have no idea how I’m going to make new friends in a new town with a new baby

It’ll be okay though

Typically my anticipation and anxiety over the future is way worse than reality

I’m actually thankful for these quiet days

I get to read and pray and think and plan and rest and I should drink it in while I can

Once baby is here I’m never going to have a quiet moment again

Or so they tell me

So better a little loneliness now then wishing I could have a moment to myself

[emdmdrambles-blog]

Tomorrow we visit the Arkansas church

This could be the start of our new life, or just a bump in the road of our current adventure

Either way I am endlessly praying peace, comfidence, and joy over my sweet, understandably stressed husband

He deserves the world and I’m so proud of him for getting this far

Lord please let it be clear

Let him feel confident

Let this be a good weekend, whether we get / take the job or not

I love that man, let him feel loved like he deserves

[emdmdrambles-blog]

I’m 6 months pregnant. 

We’ve been married for 10 months.

He graduates in a month.

We might be moving to Arkansas & starting a whole new life in July... with a baby.

There is so much to do, but I’m so excited. 

[emdmdrambles-blog]

*Husband singing in the kitchen adorably*

Me: I’m obsessed with you. Want to have sex? Hubs: Definitely. Let me finish cleaning up the kitchen. 

I love this little life of ours. 

[emdmdrambles-blog]

pursue me, i’m begging you

we were fighting 10 minutes ago and i’m sitting all the way over here

you know i’m hurting but you haven’t even tried to make it better

please just reach over here

just try to make conversation

just kiss me

i need you to pursue me please

[emdmdrambles-blog]

I've become extremely fond of time alone I used to hate it But now I spend all day Tuesday & Thursday almost entirely alone and I love it I get to sit & read & think & pray & sing & create & be without having to worry about anyone else Of course I have the baby, but she is a joy & a breeze to care for At night I have Michael and I crave his love every moment of every day I love that man I love my life I'm ready for school to start tomorrow But I'm thankful for quiet Tuesday's & Thursday's

[psych2go]

We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.

Thomas Moore (via psych2go)

[emdmdrambles-blog]

I'm sitting here crying in my bed for no other reason than I am so thankful for my husband. I have never been so well loved, respected, and cared for in my life. I keep expecting something to switch or change and to lose the kindness and gentleness but he continues to surprise me. Gosh I love him so much.

[emdmdrambles-blog]

I feel relieved when plans are cancelled, even when they're things and people I was looking forward to. I feel constant stress that there's always more to do. I should be writing or reading or working or cleaning or organizing or decoration or ministering or praying or something ALWAYS. Maybe it's just because this "homework" is so draining, but I feel exhausted and sad always. On the flip side, classical music and burning candles and this cozy bed have become my safe havens. Maybe I should pick up art or something again. I'm just tired of stressing.

[emdmdrambles-blog]

Honeymooning is… - filling our kitchen with frozen pizza, ice cream, snacks, soda, and cookies because we feel like it - walking down stairs from our bedroom in nothing but a flannel, Chardonnay in one hand and whip cream in the other - stopping the car in a random town to “wait out the storm” and get down and dirty while we’re at it - leaving an hour late because we got carried away kissing on the couch - showering more than usual just so we can do it together - wearing very little clothes always - changing underwear just so I can show off all my pretty apparel - playing scene it just the two of us and totally incorrectly - staying up late and sleeping in - watching all the parenthood, boy meets world, and friends we can find - kissing and giggling and trying and failing and trying again and loving and laughing and being married

- bagel bites and Oreos for lunch... at 10:30am