"Who knows, maybe you'll meet the love of your life at your little wack Catholic school and this will all be so, so worth it," Nika said, teasing. Paige was absolutely going to strangle her the next time she saw her. She was about to get subjected to some variation of cult hell for eight hours and Nika was not helping."
or, the story of how paige meets the love of her life at her little wack catholic school and the ensuing years it takes them to get their shit together
Summary: It feels like everything is conspiring against her; every external force is pushing her into the state of mind that makes her do crazy shit.
Authors Note: Life is so busy, for everyone. Thank you for following with this fic, for all your encouraging messages and for loving these characters as I do. And, of course, thank you to the people who give me so much of their time in editing, specifically @buffalo1221 and @nellstark, and endless love for Family FC for always hyping me up and encouraging me.
Hot Lap Notes:
Safety Car: Safety Car vs. Virtual Safety Car: Sometimes during a race, a safety car is called. This often happens if there is a crash and they need to clean up the debris/crashed car but don’t want to red flag the race and make everyone come into the garages to wait. A safety car means there is an actual car that comes onto the track, in front of the lead driver. All the cars must then keep at a reasonable speed and can’t overtake or do anything dangerous. A virtual safety car (VSC) is when there isn’t an actual car that comes onto the track, but the drivers are informed they are under VSC rules and that means they need to keep to a specific speed.
Chapter 10: Interlagos, Part 1
Hartford, Connecticut
2012
Bumming around Barnes & Noble is a nice way to spend a Saturday.
Kathy had to run errands in Hartford, and she likes to browse as much as the next middle aged white lady; she bought Paige a Frappuccino from the cafe and went to look at the gardening section, leaving Paige free to wander the isles and cover skim.
Hanging out in a bookstore to pass the time feels like a world apart from any Saturday afternoon that she ever spent at home.
Back in Hopkins, if it wasn’t a racing weekend — or if they didn’t have money for the kart gas — her Saturdays were almost always spent with Mrs. Cuthbert, the old lady who lives in the unit below theirs. She didn’t mind having Paige around the place while her dad worked first shift at the warehouse, happy to have someone to pass the time with. She’d make Paige pancakes and they would watch the Golden Girls.
Walking around Barnes & Noble still feels so different to her life back in Hopkins, even though it’s been almost two years since she’s been living with Geno and Kathy.
After browsing the youth literature section, Paige walks through the magazine racks. She’s paged through them before — Barnes & Noble is included in the usual rotation when Kathy runs errands in Hartford — but buying something that will be out of date within a few weeks isn’t how Paige wants to spend her money. What little pocket change she has.
She settles in one of the plush armchairs that’s been deposited in the psychology section of the store, because it probably gets the least amount of foot traffic.There’s a stack of car magazines in her lap and the Double Chocolate Mint Frappuccino with whip cream and mocha sauce sweats droplets onto her thigh as she idly sips at it.
It’s been almost forty-five minutes since she and Kathy arrived, which means there’s probably ten more minutes until Kathy comes to find her. Paige is almost finished with the last magazine she picked at random; AutoTalk Racing Magazine.
There are a few interviews that are interesting, and Paige reads them slowly so she can remember the most important parts to soak up. There’s one with the Sauber F1 Team Principal, and another with one of the coaches who’s fairly well known on the karting circuit.
She almost bypasses a Q&A write-up and listing of advice from ‘the next generation of motorsport minds’ because what do they know, but as she’s glancing through, her attention gets pulled toward one of the unique names that’s bolded in a yellow circular graphic, the double ‘z’ catching her eye. Azzi. Azzi Fudd.
Q: Your high school engineering team recently won the national Shell Marathon competition for designing a racing vehicle. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned through the process?
A: Downforce is faith. It only works when you commit before it feels safe
Azzi Fudd, 16, incoming First Year at Imperial College London
The name sticks out in Paige’s brain; this is the girl Geno’s talked about. The one who asked him for help with the competition. The one with the big brain.
“Paige? Let’s go honey, we should get going if we want to eat dinner at a reasonable time.”
She looks up to see Kathy approaching, and nods. “I’ll put these back,” she says, already moving to stand.
Kathy doesn’t need to be spending her money on Paige, but she always does. It feels nice, to have someone who wants her to smile, but awkward, because Paige always feels a little bit like a charity case.
“Just this one,” she says, putting the magazine on top of the basket, over a knitting pattern book and a gardening magazine. “Thank you.”
“Maybe we should get a cookie for the road,” Kathy says, smiling. She digs into her wallet and hands Paige a ten dollar bill. “Get two of the big ones and I’ll meet you up front.”
Paige nods and takes the remaining stack of magazines and the money to head back to the cafe. She’ll tell Geno what she saw; he’ll be interested that Azzi Fudd is going to London.
After all, he says he wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up running an F1 team someday.
—--
October 3 - 5, Brazilian Grand Prix: São Paulo: The Autódromo José Carlos Pace (Interlagos)
“Looking great, looking great. Okay, Paige, let’s do eyes on the camera for a few shots.”
She turns her head and makes eye contact with the camera lens, her lips settling into something that isn’t a smile but doesn’t feel too severe. On her left, Nika looks out at the street as she was directed to do, her gaze assessing as always.
The sound of the camera shutter is one more sound to the soundtrack of the morning, the vibrant bustle of São Paulo on a Tuesday; music from the crew to keep the mood high, a semi-busy street, and what feels like a hundred people scurrying around.
“These are great,” the photographer says. “Absolute flames.”
“Flames,” Nika murmurs, too quietly for anyone else to hear. She’s been outfitted in a sporty little crop top and a pair of jeans that Paige is envious of. Nika has the face of a high fashion model so she always looks photoshoot ready, but the hair, makeup, and styling teams have really transformed her into the kind of vision that any label in the world would covet.
“Chill,” Paige soothes her, letting the photographer capture a few more shots before she looks away and smirks in Nika’s direction.
They’re seated in Beco de Batman at a little table brought in specifically for them. The popular street art area serves as a colorful and cultural backdrop for these photos; Paige can’t wait to see them.
It’s a photoshoot designed to show off the young might of Team Lamborghini. Paige and Nika are in one location; Soni and Georgia are in another, and the four of them are supposed to converge at some tourist attraction in the center of the city in a little bit for a few shots of them just casually looking like they could grace a magazine cover.
The photos will hit the internet by the end of the week, coinciding with a long form article that Soni and Paige both sat for. The Future of Lamborghini, or some shit like that.
The whole thing has been planned for a while, but the timing couldn’t be better; Lamborghini has a 105 point lead over McLaren in the Constructors’ Championship and it’s creating a lot of buzz. Paige and Soni aren’t winning every race, but they’re consistently delivering good points and it’s really making a difference in the standings. Everyone — the analysts, the commentators, the fans — are frothing about how two rookies are giving the veterans on the grid the run around.
It’s too early and everyone’s too superstitious to throw around the term uncatchable or runaway winners but numbers don’t lie; Lamborghini is narrowing in on the title.
“Okay let’s do some fun ones,” the photographer chirps. “Can you do a little cheers with your drinks?”
Truly ridiculous.
Paige lifts her glass of Guaraná Antarctica and Nika does the same with her cafézinho; they clink together and dissolve into laughter, because there’s definitely some part of them that can’t believe this is their life. That they get to do this together is the sweetest part.
Ten more minutes of photos and the photographer announces that she’s gotten what she needs. Everyone begins to pack up and the poor handler assigned to shuttle Nika and Paige from place to place steps in to guide them to the car.
“You’ll go through the styling teams again at the next location,” she says, opening the door to the SUV so they can climb inside.
São Paulo is an incredible city, vibrant and alive. Scope the size that confounds the mind. Paige has been three times before but each time she discovers a new side to the metropolis. A different personality to the concrete jungle that speaks to whomever Paige has been at that moment.
Not always for the best.
“So we’re going to one of those observation boxes?” Paige thinks that’s what she remembers being told. “Forty floors up or something.”
“Who comes up with these ideas?” Nika asks. “At least the clothes are good. Do I get to keep this?”
“No.”
“What? What a racket. Life is a disappointment.” Nika frowns down at the crop, pulling on the bodice like she’s going to physically restrain someone from taking it off her person. But then she glances out the window and her face lights up.
“Can we stop?” She calls up to the driver.
Paige is sure that the driver is going to say no to whatever it is Nika’s requesting, but to her surprise, the assistant who’s in charge of them tells the driver to pull off. A few minutes later they pull into a parking lot, and Paige follows Nika out of the SUV.
“Oh fuck,” she murmurs. “Here it is.”
Above all else, racing in Brazil means paying homage to the most iconic F1 driver to ever exist.
Ayrton Senna.
“It really is a sick mural,” Nika comments, looking up.
Across the very busy street is the famous mural. It’s over a hundred feet tall, a beautiful and colorful representation of Senna in his helmet, the visor up.
The first time Paige saw it, she was drunk on an F2 win. It had rained before her race, during her race, and after. She’d stood nearby, drenched head to toe with rainwater, the feel of a random girl’s lips on her neck.
The random girl and their night together is gone from her memory but for a blur of neon lights and slick skin and the taste of Cachaça, but she remembers the mural. Remembers looking up at it, at his eyes.
It’s strange to feel things about someone who’s long dead, but there’s something about the legacy of Ayrton Senna that’s always spoken to Paige. She drives like him and it isn’t even purposeful. It’s the way the rain speaks to her, the way the car can dance. It’s a lot, sometimes, to feel the car so deeply.
She’d stood that night, brimming with confidence and victory and wondered if she could really do it — if she could actually be one of the greats. Everything in the world would say no, that greatness is for a lucky few. But Paige has always been greedy. It’s a constant; she’s always wanted more than she’s been allotted and all signs point to that never changing. With her family, with racing, with Azzi.
But Ayrton Senna died on the track and Paige supposes that might be a fitting way to go for someone who lives and breathes for it. That it’s the trade off, a bargain made with fate. Signed and sealed with her blood before she ever gave her verbal agreement. She still doesn’t know who the other signatory is; God or the devil. Time will tell.
“Imagine being so beloved by two hundred million people,” Nika continues, her gaze reverent as she studies the art. It’s the softest her face has looked in ages.
“Imagine having that talent,” Paige muses.
There’s a famous Senna quote that always stuck with Paige; if you no longer go for a gap which exists, you are no longer a racing driver.
She thinks about those words as she walks to the edge of the parking lot, almost drawn to the mural. The calling doesn’t pull her into the traffic but it’s close. She’s been chasing the gap her whole life, trying to slip her way in. It’s inevitable that it opens up, after all.
A few feet behind her, Nika pulls out her phone to snap a few photos.
The click of the camera shutter surprises Paige; she turns around to see the photographer from their shoot, who was following in another car. Hers must have pulled off as well. She takes another photo as Paige makes unintentional eye contact with the lens.
“We should get going,” the photographer says after a moment of shooting, when Paige has turned back to the mural. “Lots more to do today still.”
Paige nods but she lingers at the edge of the concrete lot, her eyes still on the only man she’s maybe ever loved.
It’s hard to love a ghost. And yet.
—--
1:22: …out of a meeting with Diana — more administrative bullshit, honestly — , they’re interviewing her about the new Ayrton Senna documentary. Thirty years on and people are still talking about his driving. Imagine meaning that much to a sport. I always thought his…
—--
Dinner is being held at an extremely fancy steakhouse. There’s live music being strummed somewhere nearby, in combination with the low beat of some kind of base. Waiters float around, barely visible unless someone needs something at which point they materialize.
Diana wanted to treat everyone. That was the official narrative spread around, an order disguised as an invitation.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Soni is saying, waving her red wine airily. “Think you must be imagining things.”
It’s a good atmosphere at the restaurant; people are feeling fairly upbeat about the weekend. Not too confident, just…capable. And Paige knows her role in this space, she’s aware of what’s expected from her. So she’s charming and easy going; she jokes around with the heads of the different teams and the other leadership level folks present and puts actual effort into being the most genial version of herself.
“Bro you looked like you were gonna pass out,” Paige shakes her head. “Why didn’t you tell anyone you were afraid of heights.”
“Because I’m not afraid.”
“Sonia,” she chastises, “it’s wrong to lie.”
A fancy dinner at an exclusive steakhouse isn’t necessary to encourage team cohesion and positivity, but Paige knows it’s about more than the food or the atmosphere. Diana wants people present, she wants to lay eyes and stare them down. Lamborghini has never had a season that’s been this dominant. They’ve led a few times, but they’ve never brought home the Constructors’ Championship.
At this point, the only team that could catch them is McLaren, and they’d almost have to win out. The talking heads on the sports channels and the analysts on the internet are all yapping about what the magic number will be, what race it’ll happen, if Lamborghini can keep it up. Paige doesn’t pay any attention to that; she gets in the car and does what she can, and sometimes she also does what she’s told, and altogether she fucking hopes it adds up to success.
She’s engaged in a conversation with the heads of the tyre crew, returning from a trip to the bar for a sparkling water, when she finally catches sight of Azzi. Big group get-togethers like this aren’t Azzi’s favorite; Paige remembers with clarity the way she used to hype Azzi up before she left to go meet Sue or Nneka or the others at Mercedes.
It’s easy to excuse herself, to make her way across the restaurant and to the balcony where Azzi stands at the railing, looking over the view. She’s wearing her usual nice black dress, the one that Paige picked out for her. It’s exactly right for this kind of event; nice enough to look dressy but still acceptable for a professional setting. Seeing Azzi draped in something Paige picked out will never get old but it still hits her like a punch to the gut.
“Hey,” Paige says, walking to join her.
Azzi turns. She has a glass of wine in her hand and she’s been drinking it; Paige can see the imprint of her lips on the rim. Red and full.
“I heard you spent the day posing for the camera,” she says.
“It loves me,” Paige preens, unashamed to be so beautiful. “I’m blessed.”
“And humble.” Azzi sounds like she’s not charmed but Paige knows differently.
Well, she certainly believes differently.
Things are different now. Paige thought they would be, but being near Azzi again confirms it. Zandvoort changed the lay of the land, the ground under her feet. So did Monza and her win there. Because they did that together.
But Austin - Austin - they can't go back after Austin. After she took care of Azzi and put her to bed and sat next to her while she finally succumbed to the needs of her body. Reading poetry to Azzi as a comfort.
Paige doesn't know what it means, where they go from here. But she knows that things are different. In a good way.
“This is a fun little event.” She leans her elbows on the balcony railing, taking in the view. São Paulo is similar to Mexico City in feel. Alive and electric and huge. And Azzi always loved big cities.
“Diana’s feeling the pressure of leading. She’s obsessed with cohesion.”
“Bet that’s fun,” Paige comments.
Azzi smiles to herself, a tiny little smirk. “She won’t say it. She’s too cool to admit that she actually feels the pressure.”
She turns to open to Paige just a little more. The lights from inside flicker against her skin, little golden flames that dance across her face. There’s a change about her. It’s not that she seems…lighter. In fact, it almost feels like the opposite.
But in a good way.
“She doesn’t want to put too much pressure on you,” Azzi adds; she’s amused. “Thinks it’ll ruin your vibe.”
The way she annunciates vibe is going to live in Paige’s fantasies.
“Let me guess,” Paige hypothesizes. “You told her it’s just not possible. Not with an ego as big as mine.”
The smug grin that graces Azzi’s face is so self satisfactory that Paige’s mouth waters a little bit. Azzi’s always pretended to not care about being right, but Paige knows she relishes in it, that she delights in always being right. How she manages to keep it a secret from most folks is a mystery; Paige has always been able to see right through her artifice.
But Azzi just shrugs. “I told her you could handle it.”
“I can,” Paige confirms. “You feeling better?”
Obviously Azzi is feeling better. She looks like a different human being than she did in Austin, when she was a snotty and sick mess and resembled patient zero in a post-apocalypse horror movie. They’ve exchanged voice notes since then; first just one a day and then two. Yesterday they traded five back and forth.
“I am. Thank you,” she adds, and it’s the first time she’s said it.
“You’re welcome.”
Azzi may be physically better but Paige can’t stop thinking about the hotel room in Austin. About the lack of poetry and the dress and the way that Azzi fell asleep next to her. It seems like every intimate encounter only adds to the list of questions.
“You stop anywhere on your way down?”
Azzi’s commitment to work is unmatched but her dedication to seeing the world has deeper roots than her love of numbers.
“No. I stayed two extra days in Austin, just sleeping. But then Diana wanted me back at the factory.”
It’s insane what these teams do; the US to Italy to Brazil in the span of two weeks. The trans-Atlantic flight probably negated all the good that Azzi did her body by sleeping two days away in Austin, but at this point in the season it’s really just about getting to the end. How can Paige nitpick at her when she’s done worse herself.
“You doing okay, after Austin?” Azzi asks, glancing over. She takes another sip of her wine and Paige tries not to focus on the way her lips kiss the rim of her glass.
“I hate what happened at COTA,” she admits, exhaling a deep sigh. “Racing like that didn’t feel good.”
Paige doesn’t need to explain that to Azzi, of all people. But Azzi asked, after all.
“It won’t happen again,” Azzi promises her.
Paige shakes her head. “I don’t need you to fight my battles for me.”
“And I don’t need you to fight mine.”
There’s strength in Azzi’s words, the kind that comes from getting deep into it and emerging victorious. Things must have gone down, back in Sant’Agata; Paige wants to know the ins and outs of it all, the messy and gossipy details. But that’s never been Azzi’s thing.
“So it’s a battle we fight together,” she offers, and it’s worth it to see the way Azzi softens into a smile.
“It’s going to be a good week,” Azzi murmurs a moment later. She glances down at her wine and then over at Paige, like lingering eye contact is too much for her to sustain. “It’s a good track for you. For the car.”
Interlagos is a demanding track; it doesn’t prioritize one type of driver over another, or even one type of car over another. With twists and turns, elevation changes and a need for efficient aero, it’s a track that accepts only the best of the best. To truly master Interlagos is something beautiful to watch.
The design of the Lamborghini car also helps them here, because Paige isn’t a driver who needs to rely only on straight line speed to get an advantage. At Mercedes, it was part of Azzi’s job to help mold the car, to give her feedback on the design process so that the engineers could align it as best as they could to suit Sabrina’s driving style. But now, at Lamborghini, it’s starting from scratch again, and Paige’s strengths combined with Soni’s strengths mean they have a little more breathing room.
There will be expectations for Paige this weekend; she was good at Interlagos in F2. Better than Sabrina was when she was in F2. But it also means that there will be pressure. She pushes the thought out of her head.
“It’ll be different in the F1 car,” she says instead, always happy to pad her ego but never comfortable enough to take the direct compliment from Azzi. Not until she’s earned it.
“You’ll manage.”
There’s a buzz inside; Paige turns her head to see people starting to take their seats. Diana must be gearing up to start her on-location pep talk.
“We should head in,” she says, reluctantly.
Azzi hums in agreement, but neither of them make a big move to leave their quiet little bubble. It’s nice here, just the two of them, the silence no longer filled with anger or resentment like it was at the beginning of the season.
But they can’t stay cocooned away from the team, because chairs are scraping and people are moving and it’ll be obvious that they’re missing soon enough. Paige turns to leave but before she goes she steps in just a hair, just close enough for the scent of citrus and motor oil to invade her nostrils.
“You look beautiful,” she whispers, her chin just brushing the side of Azzi’s head.
—--
“Dig, Paige, you got this.”
Paige breathes through the exertion, through the discomfort. She’s on one hand and the opposite foot, planking with her other hand on a roller disk. Sweat drips down her nose as she extends the arm on the roller disk to redistribute her core balance and stretch her arm beyond 90 degrees.
Beside her, DiJonai counts as Paige adds reps. She’s taken some video already, since Paige’s management team asked for a little more content. Given her success so far in the standings, people are clamoring for more; she doesn’t want it to be a distraction so she put DiJonai in charge.
“Alright, three more.”
She groans into it, then collapses, exhausted, onto her stomach.
“Dead,” she manages, flopping onto her back to starfish.
It’s a fancy gym. Some place in downtown São Paulo nearly as high as that observational tower they went to. DiJonai is punishing Paige for the steak, ruining the buzz of a good evening with sweat and exertion. It’s too extreme to say Paige loves it, but she can appreciate what a workout does for her mind and her body.
It’s just her spirit that constantly needs mending.
“Five minute rest and then let’s do some combos.”
Paige nods, catching the water bottle that DiJonai tosses at her. She takes three long swigs, relishing in the sensation of the ice water in her body. She worked hard to keep herself in shape during F3 and F2, to make sure that she was ready for what the car demanded of her, but the F1 car is a different beast; it takes more than Paige sometimes thinks she’s capable of giving. And she was able to keep up when the season started, but now she knows how much it will take. DiJonai keeps her ready. In more ways than just one.
“Alright,” Paige says, heaving herself up and stretching. “Let’s do this.”
They go to the balcony, because the fresh air feels good on her overheated skin. The view of São Paulo doesn’t hurt either.
“Good,” DiJonai says as Paige follows the instructed throwing combination. “Lean in a little more with your shoulder.”
They go five full minutes, and Paige’s arms are almost shaking when the timer dings. She walks a little circle to wind down, focusing on her breathing.
“How you feeling?” DiJonai asks. “With everything?”
She didn’t tell DiJonai anything about what happened in Austin. Didn’t tell anyone, really, though all the engineers know that Paige and Azzi left the track together after the race and Nika gave her a few meaningful glances when they met up in São Paulo.
“I’m feeling good,” Paige admits. It’s the truth. Even though Austin was a clusterfuck on track, Paige is feeling more positive than she’s felt in a long time. She’s not back to how she was last season, when she was narrowing in on her third consecutive F3 victory — she’s not even close to that — but she’s climbing the mountain. One step at a time.
“What’s the word on the car for this week?”
“Briefings say we’re competitive. Understeer shouldn’t be too bad, and Interlagos is a good track. So long as it doesn’t rain, plan looks good.”
Almost immediately, there’s a crack of thunder. She and DiJonai both look up to see that the sky has turned from gray and overcast to dark and stormy.
“Cool,” Paige mutters. “Welcome to Brazil.”
—--
“It’s an extratropical cyclone,” Nika says when Paige arrives at the track.
The entire mood around the garage has transformed; gone is the goodwill that last night promised. Lamborghini — and every other team on the grid — has been following satellite images and weather forecasts for weeks. Everyone expected Interlagos to be a dry race given the weather patterns. The current deluge doesn’t seem to be engendering a lot of positivity.
Also, in extremely annoying fashion, Paige’s hair is wet and raindrops cling to her eyelashes, because an umbrella did literally nothing to keep her dry. She shakes out her hair like a wet dog and throws the damp strands into a messy ponytail. Beside her, Nika looks on with disgust.
“You’re getting water everywhere. You’re like an actual dog.”
“I hate being here before the car is assembled,” Paige complains, eyeing the massive crates that contain the chassis, engine, and gearboxes.
Mechanics are hurrying around, checking parts against lists and communicating with one another in rapid Italian. She forgets, sometimes, that the bulk of the mechanics and a good portion of the engineers are Italian. Everyone speaks English at the track around her, but most of the project teams communicate in Italian. Lamborghini has deep ties to their country or origin.
“Are you going to be a baby all weekend?” Nika’s clearly not in the mood for Paige’s moody bullshit, and honestly it feels like the entire garage is in the same mindset.
“Is extratropical cyclone a stand in for ‘we fucked up on the weather report’?” She asks, just to be annoying.
“The storm formed at sea. It’s unexpected. You want the rundown?”
“Not really,” Paige admits. “Rain is rain, right?”
Nika shrugs. “Nobody can say how long it’ll last. Might be this bad through Sunday. Might resolve and go dry again.”
“How much do weather analysts make? Like, could I make a good living and not risk my life on four wheels and a seat going fast? Because it feels like the fuck up rate would work in my favor.”
One of the mechanics approaches Nika and says something in Italian; he hands her a clipboard and she scribbles her name. She probably doesn’t even know what it is; Paige hopes she just watched Nika sign her life away to a timeshare.
“Would you consider an existence where you don’t risk your life on four wheels and a seat to go fast a good life?”
“Fair,” Paige acknowledges. “Has Azzi exploded on the boys in the factory yet?”
Nika snorts. “Yes, but it was disappointing because she did it in Italian. But I got the gist.”
Damn. Missed opportunity. Paige would pay actual money to see Azzi chastising the weather analysts in Sant’Agata in Italian. She bets it would be hot; Azzi speaking another language is always hot.
As if Nika can read Paige’s thoughts, she rolls her eyes. “Mind out of the gutter. You’re worse than the tyre team.”
Whatever. Paige isn’t going to apologize for appreciating beauty in its most elevated form. She looks around, surreptitiously trying to see if Azzi’s anywhere near. Annoyingly, she’s not in the garage and Paige idly calculates the odds of running into CD or Azurá if she goes looking. It’s not a great outlook for her, all things considered.
“I’m gonna check in with the tyre guys,” she tells Nika, who only rolls her eyes.
“Sure you are.”
Paige gives her the side eye as she walks away.
—--
When she does, eventually, run into Azzi, it’s because everyone at the track has been called together for a briefing. Diana’s pulled all team members who are onsite into the garage to give a reframed version of the pep talk she delivered at dinner to the leadership team; this time, she’s added an ease and lightness to her delivery that Paige can tell is a front from the way her eyes continue to crinkle.
“Look at that,” she says with a wry smile. “It’s Brazil. It rains.”
That pulls a laugh from the crowd. Maybe there will be a master performance at Interlagos this weekend. Maybe Paige is about to see the maestro at work.
"So," Diana continues, a hint of amusement still lacing her tone. "We thought we were going to have a dry race. Now it looks like that's not the case. That’s alright. We'll adjust. F1 races in the rain. We're ready for this; it's why we do all the preparation that we do. We take nothing for granted."
Pretty words, and there’s feeling behind them. The tyre crew and the assorted engineers in the garage are all nodding in agreement. They want to win too.
Paige scans the room for Azzi and finds her across the crowd, standing next to a tall woman with goddess braids. They aren’t talking, though they’re standing closely; close enough that Paige cocks her head in interest. She doesn’t recognize her, and she prides herself on knowing everyone who works through the garage on race weekends.
“Who is that,” she whispers to Nika, pressing their elbows together and gesturing with her head. “With Azzi?”
Nika looks over. “Sarah… Strong, I think. She’s one of Diana’s minions. She’s usually at the factory.”
That makes sense. But it’s still odd, the way Azzi’s fine with this woman inside her personal space.
Of course, Azzi’s not paying any attention; not to Paige, or this Sarah Strong woman, or to Diana’s speech. Instead, she’s leaning against one of the tool cabinets and staring out the garage door at the rain, playing with a Rubik’s Cube. Her fingers twist and turn the six sided square with precision, even though she doesn’t look down to see what she’s doing. Paige can see the full square starting to establish, the sides beginning to form in full squares of color. Azzi’s going much slower than what she’s capable of. Paige once timed her doing it wine drunk and she got it in twenty-one seconds. Her fingers kept turning into butter and it pushed her time up.
The two of them laughing themselves silly probably didn’t help.
“We have everything we need to be successful,” Diana is concluding her speech. At least, Paige hopes it’s the end. “We have a good car. We have incredible drivers. We have a dedicated and capable team. We race as one.”
People clap, Paige included. She watches as the team starts to disperse; engineers begin to turn their attention back to data readouts and the tyre crew heads to their own huddle. Across the garage, Soni and Kiki are involved in deep conversation with Georgia and Caroline.
“Hey,” she says to Azzi. The cube is long solved and Azzi’s just twisting it aimlessly now, her attention still on the rain.
But Paige’s presence and words pull Azzi out of her daydreaming.
“Hey.”
She’s wearing an old pair of shorts. Not so thin to be indecent but enough to make Paige’s eyes linger. God, she’s so inappropriate about her senior race strategist.
“You fiddling,” she says, glancing at the cube. Azzi only fiddles when she’s particularly focused.
“Just needed something to keep my fingers busy,” Azzi says, and abruptly freezes. “I mean, that’s not, I—”
“Please,” Paige grins, “tell me more.”
“You’re the worst,” Azzi informs her, but her cheeks are red. Paige loves it. “Such a child.”
Paige shrugs, unrepentant. “You’re the one who thought about it being sexual. Can’t blame me for my mind wandering to—”
“A wet race,” Azzi interrupts, and then looks like she wants to run her face into a wall. Paige is delighted. “Oh my god, Paige. I — you — ugh.”
She groans and storms off, leaving Paige standing there absolutely shocked with glee.
“I love Brazil,” she whispers to herself, a different kind of understanding dawning. This is going to be a good week. A very good week.
—--
Rain in São Paulo is different from rain in Monaco, or anywhere else Paige has been in Europe. It’s warmer in Brazil, and more humid. Even in a loose T-shirt and shorts, she feels sweaty and gross from the inside out; it’s an uncomfortable combination.
The outlook doesn’t improve when she walks into the office waiting room and stops short.
“You again,” she mutters, immediately unenthused about life. Charlotte Atlier, in the flesh; Paige is reminded of seeing her in Mexico City and immediately scowls.
Unlike Paige, Charlie doesn’t look like she’s in any discomfort or having difficulty. Her hair is braided back into a low bun and it looks especially ginger with the dark green blouse and form fitting skirt.
“Good to see you too, Bueckers.”
“Why are you here,” Paige sighs. “In this room, not in South America,” she adds, because she can just see that stupid smirk starting to pull across Charlie’s face.
“I’m here on official business.”
“Have you been practicing saying that in the mirror?”
It’s nice to be such a bitch to Charlie. When she and Azzi were dating, Paige had to pretend to be cordial. Even then, when she and Azzi were only at the beginning of their friendship, Paige hadn’t wanted to cause Azzi distress. Now there’s no reason she has to play nice.
“I promise you, it kills me to say this,” Charlie sighs, “but you’re wanted on TV tomorrow. Brazil’s morning show. It's called Hoje em Dia.”
It’s just like Charlie to omit all the juicy information.
“What’s with the eleventh hour request? I’m not scheduled for external media this weekend.”
Paige isn’t trying to be actively difficult; it’s a relief to have a week away from any media duties other than the usual post-session/race press lines. But being on a morning show means she’ll have to get up at fuck o’clock in the morning on a Thursday and let herself get dolled up and – without question, the worst part — spend time with Charlie.
“Red Bull has declined all additional social media and public opportunities until further notice. After what happened in Austin with Nastya—”
“Nothing happened in Austin with Nastya,” Paige interrupts, because if that’s a narrative that’s spreading then she’s going to absolutely lose her shit. Especially since Nastya wasn’t scheduled to cover the Interlagos race for the communications team. She’ll be back to the paddock in Vegas, but she’s not in São Paulo.
Charlie raises an eyebrow, a smirk playing at the corners of her mouth. “Protective, huh. Moved on from Azzi so fast, then?”
Christ, this woman is like an antibiotic resistant virus. No amount of herd immunity can get rid of her.
“Sophie’s just on her usual bullshit,” Paige snaps, ignoring the dig about her friendship with Nastya. “So stop making that about something that it isn’t.”
“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t actually have all the power in F1. Red Bull is sticking by Sophie and they’ve pulled Caitlin from media duty. So I have a spot to fill.”
What a fucking power move. Paige wants to throw something. It’s bad enough that all of them have to deal with Sophie and her fuckass antics on track; she’s a dangerous driver and sooner or later someone is going to get hurt by her recklessness. But to add to the unbearable frustration of that, she inexplicably commands power at Red Bull. Nika thinks it’s because Sophie does such a good job of courting the sponsors; they see her as the anti-woke shero that the more conservative F1 money has always clamored for. Whatever the reason, it’s galling that Red Bull is actually standing on business because of Sophie’s nonsense.
“I’m not the championship leader anymore,” Paige reminds Charlie. It stings, a little, because Austin was a shit show in every sense of the word, but being a driver means having a short memory. She can’t be concerned about what happened on the last track; Paige needs to focus on what’s ahead of her. Besides, her priority is Team Lamborghini and what she can do to ensure success for the team.
All to say, she doesn’t relish the idea of getting on national television after she led the Drivers’ Championship for exactly one week and having to answer questions about how great it is to be a Formula 1 driver.
“For reasons that truly confound me, people still want to hear from you.”
Paige rolls her eyes, unamused and annoyed. “What about Sabrina? Shouldn’t it go to her first?”
“Sabrina’s popular,” Charlie says. But there’s reluctance in her tone, a serious note of loathing that tells Paige what she’s really thinking.
Because the second part of her sentence goes unsaid, and Paige would bet there’s no universe where Charlie would admit it out loud.
But not as popular as you.
Someday, far in the future — when she and Azzi have grandchildren and a stupidly successful 401K — she’ll ask Azzi about Charlie. About what could have possibly drawn her to this woman.
Far, far in the future.
Maybe when they have great-grandchildren and they’re moving to Mars to establish a colony there.
“You gonna do it or am I going to have to go through more official channels?” Charlie snaps, annoyed at being made to wait.
The urge to make her crawl for it is strong; it fizzes in Paige’s fingertips, lays on her vocal cords like carbonation. For reasons that have nothing to do with Azzi or her affections, Paige finally has Charlie in the position of having to ask for something. The power trip ought to feel good.
“Send the details to my performance coach,” she says instead, agreeing to the TV segment. She’s done her due diligence and tried to get out of the entire thing but the last thing she needs is Charlie running to Diana to complain about Paige being difficult to work with. Everyone knows Diana is wound up, word on the paddock is that she and Sue are still feuding. So now’s not the time to push.
Charlie nods, and leaves Paige with a disparaging glance. She doesn’t even say thank you.
“You’re welcome,” Paige calls after her, rolling her eyes.
It would probably be good if they could find a way to work together in peace; Paige wants a long career in Formula 1, after all, and Charlie is high enough on the Public Relations team that she’s a fixture at many of the North and South American races. There’s a world where not having Azzi between them would fix the bad blood.
But not this world. Not this universe, where Paige still wants Azzi with a burning that lights her bones on fire. Not when she can still remember the cracked ceiling of her apartment in Brackley and the way she used to stare at it in the dark while knowing that a few blocks away Azzi slept next to Charlie.
Not when all that technically tethers Azzi and Paige right now are the contracts they each have with this Formula 1 racing team. And it seems that all that keeps them apart are the contracts they have with this Formula 1 team.
There’s too much to overcome. If Paige has to pick her battles, she’ll always choose to be suited up against Charlie.
—--
2:11: …like I can’t concentrate with all this nonsense happening. I never paid attention in earth sciences because it honestly just seemed fairly useless, given everything else that was going on…
—--
Toward the end of the day, she goes looking for Nika and finds KK and Jana first. Because God clearly has a sense of humor. The two of them — and Kelis — are settled in the conference room arguing about lap differentials. There are six different binders spread open in front of them; Kelis is seated on top of the table, patiently highlighting numbers as she calls them out and Jana inputs them into some kind of spreadsheet.
“Yo,” Paige greets, reaching across the table to dap KK up. “This fucking rain, man.”
“The worst,” Jana agrees. She twists her hair into a high bun, her face shiny from the humidity.
Paige surveys the mess on the table and makes a face. “What are you guys doing?”
“Azzi asked us to run the deltas from wet races and account for the power train differentials,” Jana informs her grumpily.
Paige isn’t surprised at the attitude; it sounds tedious as fuck. “Factory team couldn’t do it?”
KK shrugs. “It’s good to do it on-site. Helps to get familiar with the data. Plus, nobody wanted to wait for the factory team.”
“It’s a punishment,” Kelis announces, ignoring the look of betrayal from KK. “Jana pissed off the weather team.”
That sounds like the more plausible explanation. Paige turns an amused glance to Jana, obviously wanting the scoop.
“What did you do?”
“Bro,” Jana immediately launches. “It was a complete misunderstanding.’
“You told them they’re glorified witch doctors with the competency of a first year Neville Longbottom.”
Jana looks unrepentant. “Actually, I stand by it.”
Kelis sighs and gives Paige the rest of the dirt. “The satellite tech told Azzi she was gonna revoke our database privileges.”
Oof. Paige almost wants to laugh.
“Azzi can’t have taken that well.”
“She ripped them a new one,” Kelis confirms. “But we still have to pay for making her life harder.” She sends a glare at Jana and KK, who don't look at all concerned.
“She’s in with Diana,” KK tells Paige. “If you’re looking for her.”
“I’m not,” Paige lies.
She’s always looking for Azzi. Even when she’s not.
—--
Nika comes to her suite on that night, already dressed in lounge pants and a tank. She has a plethora of sheet masks with her and she shoves Paige into the armchair and plasters a wet napkin onto her face that’s supposedly imbued with the healing properties of a pomegranate.
“This is gross,” Paige complains.
“It’s good for your skin,” Nika reminds her. “Especially you since you’re sitting in a hot box for two hours.”
Paige is lounging in her boxers and a sports bra, the fluffy hotel robe tied loosely about her waist. She’s got her hair thrown on top of her head in a housewife bun, the kind of look she’d never be caught dead in outside her hotel room.
“I’ve got skin like a newborn baby,” she argues.
“More like you are a baby.”
They argue about how to pass the time. It’s a very fancy hotel so every channel known to woman is available. Paige almost makes Nika watch lesbian porn just to fuck with her, but they eventually agree to just play Fortnite instead.
“You want to go on a trip after the end of the season? Oh, fuck they’re on me,” Nika says as the last remaining team in their battle royale creeps up on them. “We could do another house stay? Or go on a road trip, if you aren’t sick of being in a car. You wanna drive down the Portuguese coast? You’ve always wanted to do that.”
“Nah. I just wanna sleep for a hundred years after the end of the season. Oh fuck me they’ve got ice gauntlets. Get in the car!”
This close to a win, they’re both louder, their focus on the TV absolute as they grip their controllers tightly. On screen, Paige drives them up the mountain and they find a better vantage point.
“You gonna go see your pops?”
“Maybe.
“Bringing him to Monaco? Oh get them! Nice one. Take that you pre-pubescant shit.”
Paige shrugs. “Honestly, bro, I hate Monaco.”
She can almost hear Nika’s eyes roll around her head.
“Only you could hate living in the most fabulous and exclusive country in the world.”
“Whatever, it’s stuffy. I can’t breathe there.”
On the screen a Juice WRLD peeks out from the bunker below and disappears. Paige waits for him to do it again then goes for the headshot.
“Fuck yes,” she cries as she eliminates him, pumping her arm in the air when the #1 Victory Royale branding pops up. She and Nika high five, and it’s perfect timing because room service arrives with their fries and shakes. Paige feels a little guilt, but honestly not much; she’s not getting into the car until Friday so it’s not the end of the world to be enjoying some of life’s few victories.
“I think I wanna move,” she says, blurting out the thoughts that have been bouncing around in her head for a while.
Nika looks over in surprise, a fry halfway to her mouth. “For real?”
Paige drinks a few sips of her milkshake and nods. It tastes like happiness and putting teenage boys in their place.
“Yeah. What if I moved to the factory? Into the apartment?”
Nika has a two bedroom flat in Modena and Paige stays with her whenever she needs to be at the factory in Sant’Agata. Nika won’t let her pay for the entire place but Paige bullied her into accepting fifty-fifty. The monthly is pocket change compared to what she pays in Monaco, even with the steep discount that Phee’s fiancé tosses her.
“There’s nothing to do in Modena,” Nika warns. “It’s boring as shit after dark.”
“Yeah, because Brackley was so different,” Paige counters. “And I’m not going clubbing every night in Monaco or trying to hang out on yachts every afternoon so it’s not that much different.”
She likes the yachts but it gets old after a while. Especially without her closest there. Soni won’t be around in the offseason because of her boyfriend, and the other drivers are paired up or have their own things going on. Paige can only third wheel so many times.
“Just feels like a colossal waste of money,” she adds, dunking one of her fries in ketchup. She’s made an extreme exception about letting Nika eat in the bed, because the couch is uncomfortable as shit and the two of them aren’t going to sit at the massive dining table. “And, like. For why?”
For a long moment, Nika’s quiet. She swirls one of her fries through the milkshake because she’s disgusting like that, and munches on it quietly.
“I can get my own place,” Paige continues. “Like, I’m sure you like your space now—”
“Don’t be an idiot,” Nika scoffs. “It’s just different than Brackley, that’s all. I work a lot fucking more now that I’m on the F1 team. I don’t want you moving to the middle of nowhere and thinking it’ll be one way and it not turning out to be what you thought.”
Nika hesitates, like she’s going to say more, and they probably both know what’s likely to come out of her mouth. But she must decide that this isn’t the moment.
“I miss having you around all the time,” she says instead. “You’re my favorite rash.”
She’s bold because she knows Paige won’t shove her and risk getting food all over the bed. And she’s right.
“Love you too, twin.”
—--
The morning show is terrible. Paige is used to waking up before she’d prefer, but going on morning shows is another kind of early. She sits in hair and makeup with her eyes closed, trying to pretend that she’s asleep to trick her mind. DiJonai came with, and hangs around nearby scrolling on her phone.
“Good, you’re here already,” Charlie says, entering the little ready room.
Paige opens an eye and glares at her. “It’s too early in the morning for your bullshit.”
Being that she’s sponsored by the devil, Charlie looks perfect. Her dark navy dress hits right above her knee, the usual style of “business botox” that she embodies so very beautifully. Never trust a ginger, Paige always says. Has said since she encountered Charlie.
“I could say the absolute same, Bueckers. Did you review the talking points that got sent over?”
“Sure did. I can talk all I want about the egregious social inequity in São Paulo, severe traffic issues, and the impact of extreme urbanization on the air pollution. Right?”
Goading Charlie has always been a fun pastime, and a lot has changed in the years since she fucked off to America, but that certainly hasn’t. There’s a lot of pride that Paige takes in the fact that she’s probably one of the few people on earth who can push Charlie’s buttons so beautifully.
“Mention how excited everyone was about the three-year contract renewal,” Charlie says through gritted teeth.
“Got it,” she responds, and gives a little salute.
But Charlie clearly has no belief in Paige’s ability to actually know what she’s doing.
“Do not answer anything about rumors that F1 is bringing another race to South America.”
The makeup artist finishes up, and Paige gives a grateful smile with a murmured obrigado for being made to look presentable for national television. Behind her, DiJonai has put her phone away and is laser focused on the tension that simmers between Paige and Charlie; she’s ready to jump in for whatever Paige needs.
“Charlie,” Paige sighs. “Go jump in the Atlantic.”
It’s going to be a long fucking morning.
—--
By the time Paige arrives at the track following her stint on Brazilian morning television, she’s started to feel the buzzing in her bones. It’s a race weekend, it’s a race weekend, it’s a race weekend. Being around the garage and not in the car is making her skin itch.
And it seems like she’s not the only one.
“I hate these NWP models,” Azzi complains, in a louder tone than Paige thinks she’s probably aware of.
She has her walkie attached to her belt loop like she often does, the weight of it causing her pants to fight the laws of gravity.
“I know. And the team at the factory is aware of your displeasure,” Kelis tells her. To her credit, she keeps her voice absolutely even; Paige is impressed.
“What’s going on?” Paige asks. She gets the delight of Azzi’s full ire directed at her.
“The storm was expected to head inward and decline in strength,” Kelis informs her.
“And it’s not doing that?” Paige guesses.
“No,” Azzi interjects, clipped. “It’s not.”
“It’s shifted to head back to sea. But there’s a warm front coming in from the east,” Kelis adds. “Which means it’s probably just going to hover for a bit right off the coast and drive more rain across the area.”
“Chill, Azzi,” Paige says, because she can’t help but needle her. “I’m good in the rain. We’ll be fine.”
Azzi looks like she’s going to launch across the small space between them and knock Paige’s head off with one glancing blow. In response, Paige can only beam at her.
“Maybe you should…go,” Kelis suggests, no doubt well aware that Azzi’s only recourse is to take her frustration out on her team instead of with Paige.
“I’m due for media, anyway.”
But she lingers for a moment, enjoying the prolonged eye contact. Because there’s something pricking at Paige and she knows Azzi knows; they’re really going to be fucked this weekend. Silverstone was one day of inclement weather and if this rain keeps up.
Well.
“I’ll see you later,” she tosses at Azzi, because that’s who Paige is. Then she ducks away and heads to do her press interview.
—--
It’s the worst possible driver combination that Paige could have imagined. She sits between Sabrina and Caitlin, cold from the air conditioning on her already wet hair, shirt, and jeans.
“Paige, do you feel like Interlagos means more now that you’ve led the championship and are within striking distance of the lead again?”
It’s so awkward, God it’s so horribly awkward.
“Like I said, it doesn’t matter about my personal points. Last week was disappointing because of what I didn’t bring home for the team. I’m only focused on that.”
She wishes she had gum, but CD made her spit it out before she walked into the press room.
Beside her, Sabrina’s sitting pretty. She’s not the kind of person who has nervous energy — she’s too serial killer focused for that — but her unnatural stillness is really disconcerting. On Paige’s other side, Caitlin keeps twitching and readjusting; it’s driving Paige fucking crazy.
“Sabrina, there’s been a lot of chatter this week about Paige’s success driving in the rain. Any of that a concern for you?”
Jesus. Paige does everything in her power to keep her facial expression from changing.
“I’ve had success at Interlagos in the past,” Sabrina answers, totally monotone. “I know this track in an F1 car. Success in F2 and F3 doesn’t always translate here.”
For fuck’s sake. Paige internally sighs, more annoyed than insulted. If Sab could just keep her goddamn mouth shut they wouldn’t have to go through this bullshit.
“Paige, any response?”
“No.”
CD would be proud of her.
Afterward, the three of them trudge out together, each of them careful not to touch or bump or get into each other’s space. Surprisingly, it’s Caitlin who breaks first.
“Was that really necessary,” she mutters, throwing Sabrina an annoyed glance. They’re holed up in the green room, waiting for security to announce their covered golf carts are ready so they can be transferred back to the main part of the paddock without getting caught in the deluge.
“They asked a question,” Sabrina says as she shrugs. “I answered it.”
“You answered it and opened us up to another round of bullshit questions,” Caitlin bites out. She looks like an owl with her eyes so wide.
“You got anything to add?” Sabrina spits at Paige.
“Seems like you got enough to say for both of us,” Paige answers, her words syrupy slow. She doesn’t have any reason to get into it with Sabrina but she’s also not someone who ever walks away from the disrespect.
Sabrina doesn’t reply, doesn’t rise to the bait, doesn’t escalate. Her assessing eye roves over Paige, like she’s trying to figure something out. Whatever she takes from the interaction, Paige doesn’t know.
Why did Azzi visit you over summer break? Do you know why she left Mercedes?
She wonders if Sabrina would tell her, if she were to ask. But Paige can’t be that soft with another driver who isn’t Soni; she’s not going to make herself an easier target than she already is. Formula 1 is about more than just what you can do on a track, and Sab and Azzi seem to have some kind of perplexing bond. She’s not going to wade into waters she can’t see into just to ask questions she doesn’t know the answer to.
"Be a robot if you like," Sab says, moving her gaze away from Paige and back to Caitlin. "That's not how I drive."
Caitlin clenches her jaw and brushes past Sabrina, who clearly doesn't have any trouble picking fights today. And Paige really isn't trying to make it worse so she follows Caitlin out at a measured pace. Not running away, but choosing not to stay.
The three of them sit silently on the golf cart as they’re driven away from the Interlagos HQ building and back to the garage. The poor minion assigned to shuttle them around must be able to feel the tension, but none of them make any effort to diffuse the atmosphere.
It’s raining too hard for any kind of conversation, anyway.
—--
The afternoon strategy meeting goes well.
“Our goal this weekend is to be early, not reactive,” Azzi says.
She and Caroline typically alternate on running the Thursday briefing, depending on Dorka’s schedule. But Dorka is holed up on a conference call and Paige doesn’t have a lot of interest in what she has to say anyway, after the cluster fuck in Austin.
There are really only two people that Paige trusts with her life; Azzi and Nika. She doesn’t know what she’ll do on the day that they disagree.
“Interlagos drains unevenly. Sector 2 will stay wet longer than Sector 1.”
“If it stops raining,” Paige says, interrupting.
Azzi looks at her, annoyed at the interjection. “Yes, Paige. If it stops raining.”
God, Azzi looks good. Her hair is even curlier because of the rain and humidity; it keeps getting wet and then drying and it means her curls are out of control. The ringlets look like they would wind around Paige’s fingers beautifully, like she could tug and pull them with gusto because they’d just bounce right back into place. She imagines what it might be like to be able to win at Interlagos and get a congratulatory kiss from Azzi. That type of thing was never going to be a possibility for her, not with the original plan of them working for other teams and it’s not possible now with them both at Lamborghini, but it means Paige can freely fantasize about it.
“People suffer here because they hesitate and we’re not doing that. We’re making gains this weekend by being in front. By going bold and going strong.”
And now Azzi’s talking dirty, which makes it all the worse.
“We’ll be relying on driver feedback, so Paige and Soni, we want to hear from you this weekend. Everything and anything.”
She wants Paige to yap at her through the headset? Paige is happy to accommodate.
“We also have a smaller pit lap delta because of the short on/off. Twenty second loss. That works in our favor too.”
The meeting continues; general outline of the race weekend and their goals for the strategy sessions, recon on what other teams will be likely to focus on, additional technical information about the track.
Paige listens and takes notes; she’s been studying her pre-race assignments and she knows Interlagos as a track. Because it looks simple, but the Autódromo José Carlos Pace is brutal. The combination of layout, elevation, and how little margin there is for error would make it difficult enough. Add in inclement weather and low visibility and it changes everything.
But she’s ready.
She’s fucking ready.
—--
Paige gets summoned to Diana’s makeshift office at HQ before the day is over, and the reasoning doesn’t make her happy.
“You’re joking.”
Diana stares at her, eyebrows raised. The Lamborghini Team Principal doesn’t have time to waste on bullshit like this and they both know it. Standing next to the desk, CD sighs.
“What if this wasn’t a big deal and you just said yes and got it over with quickly?”
Paige turns a glare toward CD. “No.”
In front of her, Diana rubs the bridge of her nose. Her eyebrows are pinched together in frustration and Paige can feel the ice beneath her feet getting thinner with each passing moment. Diana’s been under so much stress, she’s wound so very tight. And things with Sue Bird haven’t settled; gossip on the paddock is they’re still on the outs.
“They’ve asked, Paige, and I’m inclined to say yes. This is their third request in a month. You were a big draw on that morning show today.”
Paige hasn’t had to worry about the Netflix docuseries Drive to Survive all season. With Soni the only driver taking part from Lamborghini, it isn’t even something that’s been on Paige’s radar.
“We agreed at the beginning of the year,” Paige reminds Diana. “One driver from Lamborghini was enough, and Soni’s been subjected to this nonsense for months now. I don’t understand why there’s so much desire to change it up mid-season.”
“Because nobody thought you’d be in any kind of position to win at the beginning of the season,” CD says, stating the obvious. She looks a little too happy about Paige’s misery.
It makes everything inside Paige recoil. She doesn’t mind the brand deals and the photoshoots because that feels like a different beast; it’s just her image, it’s just her touting a few lines in commercials, or random shit like that. But this — this is different. This is quiet and close up and people who are in the know asking probing questions. It’s needling when she’s vulnerable and creative editing. It’s giving someone else the ability to control the narrative.
And if there’s anything Paige hates, it’s giving up the power to control her own narrative. Especially given the events of the last year.
“The point of having only Soni take part was to raise her profile.”
“Soni was always going to take part, and so were you,” Diana reminds Paige. “Now things are different; you’re a serious contender for the championship this year and Lamborghini is leading in the Constructors’ and I want to maximize on that.”
“We don’t control the editing,” she says, trying one last time to talk Diana out of it.
“So don’t say anything stupid,” Diana says with a wave of her hand. “They’re expecting you for an interview before you leave the track for the day.”
It’s a dismissal, and it takes all of Paige’s self restraint not to stomp her way out of the office suite. Unsurprisingly, she’s only one in a line of people who want Diana’s time; the woman with the braids from earlier — Sarah Strong, her brain supplies — is sitting on the bench in the waiting area.
They nod at each other, but Paige is too worked up to really put any thought into the interaction; she storms away and Paige fumes all the way back to the garage. She finds DiJonai and unloads as she paces back and forth in her ready room, her hair a frizzy mess and her frustration bubbling over.
But DiJonai only surveys Paige with skepticism. “So you’re upset over having to give an interview? I really don’t see the problem.”
“I have to sit for a recording at the beginning and end of every race weekend,” she corrects, because she’s a professional driver and her time being wasted is important. “Dissecting what went wrong or how I fucked up and all that bullshit. And they’re always digging for a story to make drama. I don’t want any part of it.”
Paige had been a mess at the beginning of the season; she’d been angry with Azzi and furious with herself and generally pissed at the world. It had taken everything in her to play nice at work and she hadn’t even been that successful, given how bad things had been with Azzi. Taking part in Drive to Survive and opening herself to that kind of insight and scrutiny hadn’t been a good idea. She’s lucky that Diana either realized that or just didn’t care enough to disagree.
“All you have to do is talk about how excited you are and how difficult the track is,” DiJonai reminds her. “That’s literally it.”
It’s hard to explain. Paige doesn’t even really have the words, only a deep feeling of reluctance. Maybe part of her had wanted to avoid the docuseries on the off chance Azzi changed her mind about them, about working with Lamborghini, about any and all things. The last thing she needed — or needs, really — is for the camera crew to pick up on any of her feelings. On any dynamics.
But Paige sighs and tells herself that things are different now. That this is where she’s meant to be, and she’s capable. They want her because she led the championship, because she’s still a contender. And she doesn’t have to give them a sound bite that they can use against her interests; all she needs to do is stay on message.
So she walks back to the HQ building and shakes hands with the recording crew, introducing herself and swallowing the frustration in lieu of learning what’ll be expected of her. They put a little make up on her, but she insists on a more natural look. The last thing she fucking needs is to look like a child beauty pageant contestant.
The wardrobe is easy, at least; a crisp Lamborghini polo and the team hat.
They get her into the chair, under the lights and across from the camera. It all feels strange, because this is different from the other ways she does publicity or press. Everything else feels like a persona, even the interviews. This is longer, more serious, more probing.
The cameras start rolling, even as the assistant is finalizing attaching the lavalier microphone to Paige’s collar and testing the sound quality.
“Just introduce yourself and say what team you drive for,” the coordinator says. “Do you know the team name?”
Paige scoffs with bravado; she knows it’ll come across as charming. This is who they want.
“‘Course I know the team name. Did Soni, the first time?”
“She needed a little help.”
This is all going to air. Netflix loves a good moment. So Paige readjusts herself a little, then looks at the camera with a big, self satisfactory grin.
Her moneymaker, her agent always says.
“I’m Paige Bueckers. I drive for Scuderia Lamborghini Corse Velocità Formula One Team.”
—--
She ducks in to say goodnight to Nika before she leaves the track for the day. It’s still raining, still humid; everything feels like it’s taking extra effort.
“Get outta my seat,” she grumbles, frowning as Nika wiggles her bony ass and makes herself even more comfortable in the cockpit. A few feet away, Georgia is knelt near the front wheels with a digital reader that’s hooked up through a long cord to somewhere underneath the car.
“It’s not your seat,” Nika murmurs, though she’s distracted with making notes.
“Um, beg to disagree. That’s my number on the nose.”
“PB5,” Nika mutters. “So humble.”
“It’s cute how you drivers are possessive over a hunk of metal,” Georgia comments, and Paige flips her off immediately.
She gives them the rundown of Drive to Survive, complaining about it being a waste of time and regurgitating all the silly questions they made her answer in a confessional style recording. Nika tells her they haven’t had any update on the weather front and Georgia unhelpfully adds that Azzi is ready to put her fist through a wall. None of it is surprising; Azzi gets annoyed with any problem that can’t be answered by mathematics.
“I’ll pop in before I head out.”
“Because that will improve her mood for sure,” Georgia laughs.
“Whatchu talking about,” Paige laughs. “My presence is always a delight.”
But she goes to find Azzi anyway, because Azzi taking out frustration on her team isn’t Paige’s problem. And when she does find Azzi, it’s to the absolutely glorious version of her yelling in Italian.
“Francisco, questo è assolutamente inaccettabile. Non puoi continuare a cambiarmi le previsioni ogni ora. Non posso prendere decisioni basate sull'incompetenza.”
Azzi’s standing next to the table in the conference room, furiously swiping through something on her tablet as she expresses her frustration on the conference speakerphone. When she looks up and sees Paige, her expression darkens even further.
Paige takes it as an invitation.
“Hey,” she whispers, stepping closer.
“Quanto tempo impiegherà il vostro team per effettuare un'altra valutazione?” Azzi’s tone drops into something even more deadly as she speaks to whoever’s on the other end, maintaining eye contact with Paige. “Parla con loro proprio ora e chiedi. Voglio una risposta vera. Aspetterò.”
She pushes mute on the conference phone. “What.”
Paige grins. “Can’t I say hi?”
Azzi lifts an eyebrow. “I don’t know what you think you’re about this weekend, but you need to knock it the fuck off.”
Paige leans a hip against the conference table, the most angelic expression she can possibly make plastered across her face.
“Don’t know what you mean,” she says, her eyes wide.
"I know what you're doing," Azzi accuses. "You're trying to rile me up."
"Genuinely don't know what you're talking about," she lies. If Azzi were actually angry they both know Paige would knock it off. "You ready for this weekend?"
That only serves to make Azzi's jawline tighter.
"Am I ready for this weekend? Fuck right off, Paige, and wipe that stupid goddamn smirk off your face. A rain race is nothing to smile about."
Paige shrugs. This is a dynamic that feels so familiar it might as well be a year ago, messing about during a race.
"I mean, I'm good in the rain."
"I will absolutely not deal with bullshit this weekend," Azzi warns her. "We have a strategy; we are going to execute on that strategy."
"Course we are," Paige agrees, as genially as she can. "You maxed out on steak or you wanna grab a bite?"
She doesn't bat her eyes, but it's a near thing.
Azzi's eyes are dark: lightning flickers in them, ready to fry Paige.
"Get out," she orders, and Paige stands up.
"I'm goin," she says as she backs away. "I'll see you tomorrow."
—--
The bravado of who she has to be falls away as she sits in the car on the way back to the hotel.
Her forehead tips against the window, the glass cool against her skin. It's always her preference to drive herself around, but it was an unequivocal no from the team lawyers; the insurance on her or Soni would be insane and the admin folks were super clear that they weren't having it. Paige isn't concerned about being kidnapped; too many times she’s been told she would be too much trouble for anyone to keep for long.
But now that she’s alone, she’s having trouble wading through how she feels, as the adrenaline of being around other people wears off. It’s strange to have everything feel so up and down; the ups being Azzi’s presence and how Paige is feeling about the track and the downs being all the bullshit that surrounds everything in F1. She refuses to consider that Azzi is anything but a net positive in her life.
There are people waiting at the gate as the car pulls into the hotel area. Fans or paparazzi; the windows are too tinted for anyone to know it’s her and she’s glad for the anonymity. She doesn’t feel up to being Paige Bueckers tonight.
The hotel suite is absurd; it has a dining room. A dining room with an enormous table. What could Paige possibly want in a giant suite that has a dining table that can seat twelve? She’s not running a Last Supper situation.
But she will avail herself of the giant fruit basket that’s been left in the middle.
There’s a voice memo from Azzi on her phone. Paige looks at it and her heart is already racing, her vena cava quivering deep inside her chest. She doesn’t know how to do this anymore, how to keep the balance where it’s comfortable and not dangerous.
It feels like everything is conspiring against her; every external force is pushing her into the state of mind that makes her do crazy shit. Charlie. Sabrina. The rain. It’s like every little bit adds pressure, sits on her shoulders and settles her spine into formation. It whispers in her ear, a soft little this is who she’s meant to be. Like the snake in the Garden of Eden; Paige knows her scripture. She’s living out her own Book of Genesis.
Paige sits at her dining room table and picks a fruit at random. It’s green and oblong. She’s never seen it and doesn’t know what it is.
But she has an app for this. There’s an app for everything. Except for what she really, really needs.
—--
20 seconds: I know you think you’re cute, you really do, but don’t you dare try something crazy this weekend, Paige. I mean it.
—--
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
“Paige,” Azzi warns, glaring her way. She’s clearly annoyed with the restless energy Paige is putting into the room.
Whatever. She can’t help it. She’s buzzing and everyone knows it; Paige can’t even find it in herself to be apologetic.
But she does stop tapping her pen against the table.
The clock on the wall ticks down to the start of FP1; twenty-eight minutes. But there’s no way. Not with the rain as heavy as it is.
“So just to repeat back,” Caroline is saying, hunched over the conference phone, “you estimate that it could be anywhere between thirty minutes and two hours of rain at this intensity?”
At her side, Azzi looks like she’s ready to toss herself out of the garage and swim her way around the track.
“That is correct,” the heavily accented voice on the other end of the conference phone says.
“I can’t live like this,” Caroline sighs, pressing mute on the conference phone and turning her head to Azzi. “What do you want to do? Dorka’s on a call with the Aero team.”
Azzi runs her hands through her hair, and Paige is surprised that actual clumps don’t come with them when she brings her hands down and presses them together.
“Okay. Okay. Let’s break into Rain 1 protocol. I want every single thing triple checked. Quadruple checked, even. On my team, Jana and KK will run point. Get assignments and report up to them. Caroline?”
Azzi stands up as Caroline gives her own set of instructions. Paige doesn't have to pay attention anymore because Caroline isn't her senior race strategist. Instead, she swivels her chair in Azzi’s direction.
“Go find something useful to do,” Azzy says to Paige before picking up her pace and striding out of the room.
“Useful,” Paige mutters. “Like I’m not useful around here for what I do in the car.”
She hears an undignified snort and turns to see Kelis, who blushes at being caught. Paige raises an eyebrow and Kelis scurries off.
“No appreciation for your talent,” Soni coos.
“Long suffering me,” Paige agrees.
—--
Paige is zero percent surprised when race officials announce that the start to FP1 will be delayed by at least one hour. The rain is pounding the track; there’s very little visibility and nobody wants a bunch of crashes in a practice session.
“The two of you couldn’t find anything else to do?” Jana asks as she passes by them in the hallway. “Where did you even find a fútbol?”
Soni traps the ball with her left foot and sends it arching back to Paige. It lands neatly at her feet. Suspicious. Her boyfriend must be teaching her.
“It’s Brazil,” Paige shrugs, providing no additional explanation.
“If Azzi and Caroline hear that you two are out here playing games instead of reading delta reports—”
“Bro, there’s nothing useful in the delta reports.”
Soni snorts. “I mean, she’s right,” she appeals to Jana, who looks scandalized by Paige’s sacrilegious statement. “Not with this rain.”
Jana leaves them be, though Paige assumes it’s because she doesn’t want to get caught too near the crime of goofing around when there’s actual work to be done. She and the rest of the engineering team are scrambling, because everyone wants answers and nobody’s going to get them until the cars actually get onto the track and data comes back on how they behave in the rain. With the elevation changes it’s going to be brutal.
They kill twenty minutes passing the soccer ball back and forth, chatting idly about paddock gossip, until word reaches them that the engineers are ready to meet.
Everyone is set up in the garage; the heart of the engineering team is gathered around one of the big monitors, watching the reassessed deltas coming in. Paige situates herself in the back, leaning against a tool cabinet.
“Your thirst is unknown to human kind,” Soni laughs at Paige, eyeing the unzipped racing overalls that hang down and the way she’s shed the fireproof turtleneck and tied it around her waist. It leaves Paige in only her sports bra.
“It’s humid as shit,” she waves Soni off. “And you’re one to talk,” she adds, eying the loose tank top that Soni’s donned that shows off more than it covers.
“Nope. Thirsty.”
Paige rolls her eyes, and pulls out her phone to check her messages. At the front of the group, Azzi’s yapping about the weather.
“...so we should expect the rain to stick around. We’ve also been warned that lightning is expected and if that’s spotted, we’re looking at thirty minute window delays. This might be a bumpy day.”
Azzi goes on for another ten minutes, giving more of an overview of the day and the weather expectations, and answers a few questions from various team members.
“Any other questions?”
Azzi’s eyes drift over the crowd. Because Paige is in the back — and because she’s super invested in everything Azzi does — she’s probably the only person who notices the way Azzi glances at her three times over the course of ten seconds. Like she can’t help herself.
Like Monza all over again.
“I guess your thirst pays off,” Soni muses, clearly catching it as well.
“Shut the fuck up,” Paige hisses, turning red. But she can’t help the way her lips turn up at the ends.
—--
She jumps out of the car when FP1 ends and water drips from her overalls onto the cement of the garage floor. KK swoops in to pat at her with a towel, vigorously drying Paige off.
“Hold on,” she says, and undoes the clips so she can take the helmet off, finally emerging into relief. “Jeez Louise, ease up!”
KK only twists the towel and snaps it at her.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“You fucking know what it’s for,” KK glares at her.
And, well, maybe Paige does.
She’s not going to get changed completely because it’s too much hassle, but Paige undoes the top of her racing overalls and lets them hang, then peels off the fireproof turtleneck again as well. Across the garage, Nika eyes her and rolls her eyes.
“It’s so freaking humid,” Paige says, her tone just a hair short of whiny.
And it is humid; the heat and the rain is a disgusting combination.
“She wants to see you,” KK informs Paige.
“Wonderful,” Paige says with a smile. “I love being yelled at. Also, see if we can add something to the back of my gloves so I can swipe at the visor; even at speed it was hard to see with rain on it.”
She loves the helmet that she’s wearing this weekend. F1 drivers like to customize the skins on the helmet; it’s the only way they can show personality through fashion on the track. Everything else is sponsor branded and subject to regulations, but for some reason the helmets haven’t been brought under scrutiny yet. Like a few of the other drivers on the grid, Paige has a special helmet this weekend; it’s yellow with blue, an homage to the Brazilian flag and there’s a watercolor depiction of Ayrton Senna on the back.
It’s good luck, she tells herself.
Paige hands KK the helmet and her in-ears and scrapes her hair into a ponytail. It’s always better to have her hair tied back when she goes into battle.
Azzi’s in the conference room and she’s got murder in her eyes; the genuine kind, the kind that really, really means that Paige’s life is in jeopardy. Her eyes flick over Paige for a nanosecond and then she’s right back to glaring.
It was a good choice, to shed the fireproof turtleneck and show off her ab muscles. Paige is acing all her decisions today.
“What were you thinking,” Azzi says, very much a statement and not a question. “We had a plan. We went over the plan. You said you were clear on the plan.”
Paige leans against the doorframe, her arms crossed. She doesn’t clench her abs on purpose, it’s just what happens.
“I sent you out on full wets to make the most of the thirty minutes,” Azzi reminds her, though it sounds more like an accusation than a retelling of what happened. “Three laps to warm-up and get a baseline. You wanted ride height and I gave it to you. Fine. Another three to get better data and then two laps to push at the target delta, and in-lap break temps.”
Azzi’s really gathering momentum now. Behind her, Paige can see Blanca and Morgan exchange a look. Jana pops a jelly bean in her mouth like it’s popcorn at a movie theater.
“You can’t just decide to experiment, Paige.” Azzi starts to pace, just little back and forth movements that hardly count as steps. “I know you think the deltas aren’t the most important indicator but we’ve got to get those. You went so far off the line through Curva do Sol you were into standing water. You should have lifted. You know the tyres were overheating. Genuinely, what the fuck were you thinking?”
Paige arches an eyebrow. “I was thinking it’s definitely going to rain all weekend and I wanted to know how the wets actually behave.”
“You stayed north of seventy percent throttle,” Azzi hisses, like Paige has committed a cardinal sin.
“I don’t like lifting if I don’t need to. The rear hooked up mid-corner instead of snapping.”
“You got greedy,” Azzi accuses, pointing her finger at Paige. She looks so angry it’s almost cute. Like an old school cartoon. But, of course, still gorgeous.
Paige pauses, wondering if thinking such thoughts about Azzi is anti-feminist. Is she being patronizing?
“I wouldn’t say greedy,” she says, after a moment, once she’s pulled her thoughts back to the argument at hand. “Just wanted to know the lay of the land. Test the water, really.”
She smiles, pleased with the wordplay.
Naturally, that’s what really pushes Azzi over the edge. Her fingers twitch, like maybe she’s going to slap Paige, or try to strangle her. Such violence between them. It really is their own little love language, a true hallmark of their friendship.
“Figuring out the lay of the land—”
“Testing the water—”
“Fine, testing the fucking water! You got greedy and added more throttle and couldn’t control the massive snap oversteer and you spun out.”
It really looks like Azzi’s going to break her rule of no violence in the garage and try to beat the everloving shit out of Paige.
God, Paige hasn’t had this much fun in ages.
“There was no damage to the car.”
“Luckily. You could have crashed.”
“Extreme assessment,” Paige disagrees. “But I didn’t. She’s fully intact.”
“You have a flat spot on your back right and you burned a set of full wet tyres. I swear to god, I can’t with you drivers sometimes, always thinking you know better about everything. We planned for a long-run comparison and now we have nothing to compare it to.”
Paige isn’t worried because they’ll be able to get what they need in FP2, and it’ll definitely still be raining.
“I need to stretch with DiJonai,” she says, pushing off the doorframe. “My shoulder’s feeling a little tight.”
“I swear to god, Paige—”
“Take a look at the data,” Paige suggests. “And come find me.”
She can see the astonishment on Kaleigh’s face, the genuine amusement on Jana’s. Even Gandy looks skeptical. But this is a far cry from the fights Paige and Azzi had at the beginning of the season. Those were…mean, and messy. Full of digs and genuine anger that originated far from the track. Azzi’s team can see how different things feel now. Paige assumes they’re relieved by the new dynamic.
With a nod, she walks away.
—--
It takes forty-five minutes for Azzi to find Paige.
It’s forty minutes more than Azzi likely needed to find the gem in the data readouts, plus another ten for her to make the team re-calculate and cross check the numbers. And then it would have taken her another fifteen minutes to stew about the entire situation, and she’d have needed time to debrief the rest of the data readouts with her team.
All to say, Azzi walks into the hospitality suite right about when Paige expects her to.
“You can’t just go all Maverick,” Azzi says, dripping water all over the table.
Per usual, she looks like she didn’t even bother with an umbrella when she dashed across the paddock. The suspicion is confirmed when Paige sees Kelis enter the hospitality suite, holding the umbrella and Azzi’s rain jacket, like she ran after her.
“Feels like maybe it paid off,” Paige suggests.
“Just because you got lucky doesn’t excuse you from doing stupid shit,” Azzi snaps.
It’s not that Paige has low self preservation instincts. It’s that she clearly doesn’t have any value for her life. That must be why she can’t help but grin.
“Was the down arc in the data beautiful? It just nosedived, right?”
She sees the way Azzi’s nose wrinkles, the minute little twitch that says how annoyed she is that Paige found some use from spinning out and getting back onto the track.
Because the tyres are overheating, even in the heavy rain; Interlagos is known for having an incredibly abrasive asphalt and it cooks the rubber quickly.
But when Paige spun out and moved off-line, her rear slip got better. When she wasn’t on the racing line — which is always going to be the driest part of the track — she had more grip because of the deeper water. It cooled the tyre surface.
“You didn’t say anything on the radio.”
“Because I can keep my fucking mouth shut.”
Azzi’s eyebrows raise. “Beg to differ.”
She and Azzi stare at each other for a moment.
It’s already miserably hot in São Paulo. If anyone had asked Paige, she’d have said she didn’t know how it could possibly get any hotter.
But she’d have been wrong. She’d have been very, very wrong.
—--
There are no big blowups during FP2.
It’s not exactly smooth sailing since it’s fucking pouring down rain, but Paige manages to make do and get all the necessary laps in. They test a little bit on the earlier theory that the deeper water just off the racing line cools the tyres, but they do it quietly; she complains on the radio about losing her grip and sliding around. Subterfuge is a common enough practice in Formula 1 and Paige will take any advantage she can get.
The debrief sessions also go without incident, though Paige does feel like she’s in a crockpot and the dial is being slowly turned from low to high.
Eventually, all bad things come to an end and make way for more bad things. She and Soni groan when it comes time to leave for the driver briefing; going back through the rain is as unwelcome a prospect as sitting in a room with the grumpiest and most aggressive bunch of racecar drivers known to womankind. But even as they grumble, they gather their things and start to leave.
“Paige,” Azzi calls, her voice soft among the din of the engineering chatter. She waits for Paige to pause and turn back before continuing. “Mercedes will push for an automatic VSC if visibility gets bad on the run to Turn 4.”
Paige holds her gaze for a moment, then nods. “Okay.”
—--
40 seconds: …be careful this weekend. I know you think you’ve got it all handled but Interlagos has a way about her.
—--
On their way to the briefing meeting, Paige and Soni make a plan.
“Visibility and grip first?”
“Yeah,” Soni agrees. And then safety car versus virtual safety car. Caroline wants an answer on formation lap too.”
“Turn 4 as well,” Paige mutters. “This is going to be a fucking shit show.”
She’s not wrong. The atmosphere inside the drivers’ briefing room is tense with simmering frustration and animosity. Lamborghini has a good fucking lead in the Constructors’ Championship and it means everyone else is feeling the pressure. Paige wants to remind them all that she and Soni have the most pressure, because everything is a competition and what’s the point of being alive if you aren’t trying to win?
“Is there going to be a mandated switch point?”
Paige has to work hard not to physically let her eyes roll out of her head at Aliyah Boston’s question.
Behind her, Kah isn’t as polite.
“Rook, it’s gonna rain all weekend,” she calls. A few of the other drivers — specifically AT — chuckle in agreement. “Ain’t nobody getting onto inters.”
“Not a rookie,” Aliyah reminds Kah, loudly. She’s really in a mood now, and Paige sighs at the way the meeting has gone off the rails so very quickly.
“To be fair,” Cam says to Aliyah, not trying to keep her voice down, “she calls everyone younger than her a rookie.”
Paige wants to bash her head against a wall.
“We don’t have a mandated switch point,” Cathy says from her position at the front of the room. She’s standing behind a podium like she always does, but this far into the season it feels particularly ridiculous. It’s only the twenty of them plus Cathy’s two assistants in this room; there’s no need for a media posture when nobody from the media is present.
“So it’s just like, a ‘hope and pray’ situation?” KMac’s feeling spicy. Paige can feel her disdain from five seats away.
“Race Control is monitoring the situation very closely,” Cathy assures them. “If we see the track carrying more standing water than would be safe for intermediate tyres, it is possible that full wet tyres will be ordered. Or the opposite. We’re monitoring.”
Everyone grumbles about that, because a situation necessitating wet tyres is more likely than not a situation where a red flag should definitely be called.
“Every weather report available in this hemisphere is projecting heavy rain and high winds,” Phee says. She’s got a McLaren binder with her, like the good girl that she is. “What’s the max point Race Control will allow before calling for a red flag?”
“I’m not prepared to share a number with you; if conditions are unsafe, we will red flag.”
They’ll let it go long, though, because even though hosting a race in São Paulo at the beginning of the rainy season makes no fucking sense, Formula 1 needs to get the most out of the weekend. There’s a lot of money on the line, and it always comes down to money.
“Fine,” Sabrina calls from the middle of the room. “What about visibility at Turn 4. If we can’t see then it should be an automatic VSC.”
Damn. Paige should have been faster.
“Even if visibility is low, we might still have grip,” she says, interjecting herself. It’s probably the most combative thing she’s ever said to Sabrina, and the look Sabrina sends Paige makes it clear that she fucking knows it.
“Grip doesn’t make a difference if we can’t see anything,” Sabrina rebuts, and everyone is taking notice now.
Something that Paige hasn’t focused on this season is that Sabrina’s the reigning world champion. Two time reigning world champion, actually. She knows a thing or two about driving, and Paige has been so laser focused on everything happening off track that it’s been a while since she’s really thought about what it means to be a contender against Sabrina when they’re in the cars. Not since Silverstone.
And the truth is, you don’t get to be a driver at this level without knowing where your talent is strongest and where you fall short.
Without knowing the same about the other drivers. So she pushes.
“I mean, are we going racing or are we going for a drive behind a VSC or safety car?”
It sounds brash even to her own ears, but sometimes persona means more than people give it credit for. Certainly more than Azzi ever gives it credit for.
She’s setting herself up and she knows it, but Paige has been aching for a chance to put her elbows out and clash with Sab. She can only do it on the track, or about the track, which isn’t what she really wants but she’ll take what she can get. Seems like Interlagos is going to be the place that happens.
“You haven’t even driven this track in an F1 race yet,” Sabrina scoffs.
“What’s the answer?” Paige asks Cathy, who’s draped herself over the podium and looks tired of being the referee between two toddlers. The expression on her face is one of extreme exhaustion; Paige almost feels bad for her.
“No absolutes,” Cathy answers. “If it’s unsafe we’ll red flag, as I said.”
Well, Cathy can get fucked.
The meeting continues like that. Track limits, the formation lap, restart conditions; it goes on and on and on. The drivers who are more confident in the rain ask for explicit parameters so they can push, and the drivers who aren’t as comfortable ask for earlier intervention. Sabrina doesn’t say anything else and neither does Paige, but it feels like they’re both extraordinarily aware of each other.
By the time they hit the seventy-five minute mark, Veronica and Jackie have outright argued and Phee has straight up started painting her nails.
“Alright that’s all we can do for tonight. If you have additional requests you can run them through team channels to the stewards,” Cathy says, ignoring the groans that permeate the room.
“What’s the point of doing it if you aren’t doing it right,” Kah mutters.
Paige doesn’t care about any of it; people are whining and moaning about the rain but she just wants to race. A wet track has never been an issue for her and she’s not about to believe that Brazil of all places is where that will change.
Azzi would call her delusional. Nika would agree.
Paige wants to walk away from the driver briefing room so quickly it would probably verge on sprinting, but she forces herself to relax and appear chill. Of course, Soni’s taking her sweet fucking time yapping with Kate, and it means that by the time they make their way out they’re practically shoulder to shoulder with the Mercedes drivers.
“After you, rookie,” Sab says with a smile. Her face is so angular it’s hard to tell if it’s a sneer or just how her muscles work. Unless she’s got a giant grin on her face she always looks angry.
“Really,” she mutters, and though Paige truly doesn’t mean for Sabrina to overhear, it’s obviously her shitty luck that the Ionescu family has fucking bat hearing.
“What’s your problem,” Sabrina says, calling the question between them as they walk down the hall.
Two steps ahead of them, Soni slows her gait even as her head is turned to something else. Ride or die. In more ways than one.
“What’s my problem?” Paige asks, turning to post up just a little. She’s escalating with no good reason, really. Based on the look Soni tosses back at her, that’s clearly apparent. “I don’t got a problem, bro. Can’t speak the same for you.”
Sabrina opens her mouth to respond but right as she does, Sophie Cunningham walks by.
“Oooh, trouble in paradise,” she coos in her stupid, annoying sing-song voice.
“Shut the fuck up, Sophie.”
“Shut the fuck up, Sophie.”
Paige and Sab say it in unison, barely sparing Sophie a glare.
Of course, it makes Soni snort and she has to smother it with a little cough because neither Paige nor Sab so much as crack a smile; even ganging up on Sophie isn’t enough to diffuse the pressure in the air.
“You’re in over your fucking head,” Sabrina says. The worst part is she doesn’t even say it with any bite. She says it like she knows it’s true. Like she’s just telling Paige a fact that Paige ought to already know.
And that’s the part that really fucking digs at Paige, like a suckerpunch low in the stomach. No way to block properly and really goddamn painful because it’s such a surprise move.
“You’d think that, wouldn’t you,” Paige spits, suddenly glad to let out the frustration she’s been keeping inside her chest. It’s taken voice and shape, morphing so rapidly its growth feels almost alarming.
“God. The things you don’t know are eating at you. You want to know it all so badly, don’t you?” The words sound strange coming from Sab’s mouth in such a unique tone; a dichotomy between mockery and concern.
If the driver briefing went off the rails, this is something in the vicinity of an epic crash. Messy, bloody, high casualty count. Soni starts to edge closer but Paige keeps her at bay with a quick flick of her eyes.
Paige tries not to take the feint, but it’s hard — this is her life. This is her fucking life.
“It’s not good to keep your feelings all bottled up,” Sab continues to goad. Her eyes narrow on Paige’s face before she gives an amused huff.
But Paige is done keeping her mouth shut.
“Fuck you, Sab. I don’t—”
“I’ll tell you.”
The words don’t echo or drop like an anvil. They’re just words. Just three words.
A contraction.
An irregular verb.
A second-person personal pronoun.
Three easy words, meaningless on their own and strung together with massive implication. Like holding a firework. Or a bomb.
“Sab.”
Paige can’t breathe.
“I’ll tell you,” Sabrina says again. “But you have to ask.”
Sorry if you've already answered this!!! But how many chapters are you planning for take me to church? Obsessed!!!
aaahhh thank you so much anon!!!
that’s a great question LOL. i have 11 fully outlined right now, but the 11 aren’t close to being where i want the story to end. i’d say ballpark maybe ~15-20 ish? we’ll be in it for the long run with this fic i fear
about the people iyrl: i have many weapons plus a whole herd of cows including:
A-04 who has permanently angry eyebrows and charges on command
J-35 who is still pregnant with twins and very very large
F-06 who will charge on command
726 who will throw the offending members above her head
2 bulls who are massive and will probably charge on command
and then about three steers who are honestly very sweet but they have horns and when the whole herd is running, ain’t nothing stopping them
do with this information what you will
*please note: these are not my cows but my bosses’ so irl i cannot bring them to theoretically trample anyone
anon as a horse girl i’m cackling so hard at this thank you LMAO. i think A-04 would do some real damage to irl st. anne’s those eyebrows sound deadly. and great news, you’d only need to sneak one away since the school is so small!!!! 😁
that chapter was so good…how close are you to the next one? NO RUSH PLEASE but also that was FANTASTIC and i’m obsessed
omg thank you so so much this means so much to me!!!! i’m glad you liked it anon, thank you for reading! ❤️❤️
i fear i only have 500 words written for the next chapter :( but everything’s fully outlined & i’m hoping i can crank out some tonight?? i’d say optimistic timeline would be in a week or so!!
got this one finished way faster than i thought i would yay!! shoutout to @girliblue for proofreading for me you're the best. ok without further ado, happy pride month and WINGS UP!
TWs: catholicism/praying/religious thoughts, cursing, a little bit of homophobia, and chris koclanes as a character
Running wild and running free
Two kids, you and me
And i say hey, hey, hey, hey
Living like we’re renegades
Long live the pioneers
Rebels and mutineers
Go forth and have no fear
Come close and lend an ear
Thursday, August 15th, 2024 — St. Anne’s Academy, Anderson, SC
Paige pulled into the school parking lot at seven thirty—way earlier than she’d ever arrived before, but today she was a woman on a mission.
She parked in her assigned parking spot and immediately turned the jeep off, lugging her backpack out of the car with her, closing the door and locking the car while she made a beeline for the school entrance. She knew Azzi always came early because her brothers were in lower school, which started at seven forty instead of eight oh five (which was a truly egregious time to start school, in Paige’s opinion).
She headed towards the lunchroom where she knew she’d find her, sitting in her usual spot at the table their class always sat at during lunch. Lainey, Ava, and military family girl—Veronica—were sitting with her, all quietly working on various assignments, none of them looking particularly awake or thrilled to be there. Paige wondered why military family girl wasn’t more awake—she had always assumed military people needed to be pretty prompt and alert first thing in the morning.
“Morning,” Paige greeted once she got to the table, plopping down next to Azzi and leaning into her space to look at what she was working on.
Azzi pointedly leaned out of Paige’s space, giving her a look. “You’re here early.”
“Well, y’know what they say. Early bird gets the worm.”
Azzi didn’t dignify that with a response, instead just raised her eyebrows at Paige and gestured for her to get whatever she wanted to say over with.
God she was beautiful, even when she very clearly needed a cup of coffee. Her curls were haphazardly pulled back into a bun and her undereyes were still a little puffy from the morning. Paige wished she knew her coffee order so she could bring her some next time.
Paige’s nerves spiked under her attention. C’mon, Paige. Woman on a mission.
“Um, do you maybe wanna get some extra reps in with me tonight?” She asked, suddenly acutely aware of everyone else at the table also looking up at her as she spoke. “I, uh, didn’t realize how much I missed having someone to hit with until yesterday,” she said, quickly adding on, “No pressure though!”
Wow. Way to go, Paige. Jesus.
Azzi smiled at her like the angel she was, shrugging. “Sure,” Azzi responded. “This afternoon?”
“Yeah.”
“Sounds good,” Azzi affirmed, before changing the subject. “Did you end up finishing the pre-calc homework?”
They launched into a discussion about class, the other girls joining in too.
Soon enough, the afternoon arrived, and Paige’s nerve endings felt like they were on fire as she led Azzi across the parking lot to her car.
When they got into the jeep, Paige asked a question that had been weighing on her heavily ever since realizing she had to wear a skirt to school three times a week when school started: “So, been meaning to ask. Do they actually let us wear volleyball shorts when we play, or do we have to compete in smocks?”
Azzi let out a laugh—an actual, real laugh. It was honest-to-God the best sound Paige had ever heard in her life.
Which, of course, had Paige giggling too. Absolutely besotted.
“Are you serious?”
“Dead.”
Azzi snickered again, clearly amused. “No, Paige, they don’t make us wear smocks.”
“Hey. It’s not a crazy assumption. You’ve seen our uniforms.”
“I have, yeah,” she said through giggles.
They got settled in the car, Paige turning on her newly curated Azzi-specific Gospel playlist (conspicuously just titled “August 2024 Gospel” with a playlist cover of a picture she took after school one day of one of the many two-pixel Jesus printouts taped to the wall of St. Anne’s).
The car drive over was nice. Paige lived to learn more about the other girl, and she didn’t seem to mind sharing. She learned that the dog that was at the door the other day was her dog, Stewie, that she’d had for three years. She played both basketball and volleyball when she was younger, but she switched to just volleyball in high school. She used to also run track.
They still didn’t have a net to hit with at the rec center, so they were stuck doing random two-person ball handling drills. They essentially just did pepper—where one of them serves, the other sets themselves and then hits, and then the other receives and repeats. At this point in her life, Paige had probably spent thousands of hours doing pepper drills.
After about an hour, they took a small water break. “You’re a really good hitter,” Azzi pointed out in between sips.
“Thanks!” she responded, trying and failing not to seem like the compliment wasn’t doing anything to her. “I usually like to play 6-2.”
“Makes sense.”
She continued, “Although I hope Chris doesn’t run 6-2 for the school, because Marissa should not be allowed to start or share the ball on the court with us.”
Azzi snorted. “I think in the past they ran 5-1 and Marissa was the starter.”
“Did they ever score a single point?” It sounded sarcastic, but Paige was being serious. She was genuinely curious. If they ever did score a point, it would truly be a miracle and someone should get into looking to verify actual divine intervention. There was no way that would be possible outside of Jesus Christ himself coming down from the heavens and blessing the volleyball.
Azzi laughed (music to Paige’s ears) and amusedly shook her head. “I honestly couldn’t tell you.”
They finished up their water break and went back to their drills for another hour or so. They stayed and practiced until they quite literally couldn’t anymore because the rec center was closing for the night and they were getting kicked out. They’d worked on passing, serving, serve receiving, and did some sets and hits. Azzi was amazing. Paige had the time of her life.
——
Saturday, August 17th, 2024 — Westview Rec Center, Anderson, SC
They’d just finished up for the day after spending probably way too many hours practicing hitting and setting with one another. Paige wanted to nail down what type of set Azzi wanted, because they never actually got the chance to practice it during the school practices they’d done so far (which was insane).
They’d finally worn the rec center staff down enough to let them set up the nets to practice on the court, since the courts were otherwise rarely used—which was odd to Paige. Back in Minnesota at least, everyone was always playing pickup basketball games, and it made it crazy hard to get a court for her to practice on.
She’d worked on perfecting the high lofty four set Azzi wanted. Leaving her enough time to read the defense but not wasting too much time that they would be entirely predictable. And, once they nailed down the four set, they started practicing second tempo sets—both a hut and a 32. They hadn’t had enough time to get to the 32, so the girls had plans to work on it further on Monday. Paige had asked about tomorrow, but apparently Azzi had plans after Church she couldn’t skip.
Paige was on cloud nine. Azzi was incredible, and getting to practice with her like that was a feeling Paige didn’t think she’d ever be able to properly put into words.
She was trying really hard not to let herself get hopeful about the whole practically-in-love-with-Azzi thing. Really, really hard. But it wasn’t working. Every second she spent with the girl, she liked her more and more. And she seemed to actually be opening up to Paige a little. Her glares surely did nothing to dissuade Paige—she loved it. Azzi laughed at her stupid jokes now and she was willingly spending time playing with her. Which meant she, at the very least, at least liked her as a friend just a little.
When they finally left the rec center, the sun was setting in the most beautiful sunset. Azzi paused to take a picture of it on their way to the car.
Paige just found herself watching her like a lovesick fool. Taking a picture of the sunset like that is so cute. Paige was so gone.
Once she was done taking the picture, Paige asked, “Wanna get shakes?” while she swung the lanyard with her keys on it in a small circle, fidgeting. Please say yes.
“Sure.” Azzi looked back at her as they continued through the parking lot. Paige felt a dopey smile forming against her will.
“Cool. Cook Out good?”
Paige had discovered the place with her brother the first day they’d moved to Anderson. She was quite the fan of the milkshakes. There were like a million different wacky flavors (half of which had something to do with bananas, which Paige thought was odd, though they were still good).
Azzi hummed in affirmation, following Paige to her car.
She turned her curated Gospel playlist back on as they drove to Cook Out in a comfortable silence, satiated and in good spirits after getting to play the sport they both loved.
Volleyball always got Paige right. No matter what mood she was going into it with, it always cleared her head and lifted her spirits. And yeah, sometimes she felt burnt out or tired from all of the reps. That was just part of playing a sport like she did. But it was impossible for her to get a good workout in on the court and not leave feeling better. It had been the one thing to keep her afloat when her parents were getting divorced, and it was always where she felt closest to God.
It was comforting. Always had been. A sense of belonging engrained into her soul, like she was born to be there. She’d always liked to think that He made her to play.
And sharing the court with Azzi made everything feel even more right. She couldn’t really explain it, and a part of her wondered if she was just making it up placebo-style because of the crush she was harboring.
But there was just something about existing in that space with her that both set her soul on fire and brought her an immeasurable amount of peace. Which she realized was quite an insane thing to feel about someone she’d just met. She consciously chose to ignore how insane it made her sound and opted to trust that God had a plan in whatever it was He was doing.
She’d hoped that plan would end up with them falling in love and accomplishing all of their dreams together and going to Church with one another and living happily ever after in a beautiful little house made just for them and their future family. She almost felt bad for daydreaming about it so much when she knew, deep down, that God would work it out the way He wanted and that the dreams she’d conjured up likely would not match, and that would be okay, but she couldn’t help herself. It happened almost unconsciously.
Paige felt that pit of anxiety that seemed to live with her constantly now churn in her stomach as she was brought out of her thoughts as they got to the Cook Out, pulling into the drive-thru line.
She turned to Azzi as she approached the speaker. “Whatchu want?”
“Ummm,” Azzi said, contemplative. “Can you go first?”
She was so cute. She was biting her lip as she mulled over what to get, eyes tracing back and forth on the menu. Paige would do anything she asked.
“‘Course.”
She fully brought the jeep up to the speaker, rolling down her window and leaning out to speak. The worker’s voice reverberated almost immediately, asking for their order.
“Could I get a Reese’s cup milkshake, and…” Paige ordered, trailing off and turning back towards Azzi, gesturing for her to say what she wanted.
Azzi was still chewing on her bottom lip, clearly not sure what she was going to get.
Paige took matters into her own hands as she turned back towards the speaker, leaning against her car door. “Sorry, can we have a second?”
The worker granted her request and Paige turned back to Azzi, silently watching her deliberate.
“Watchu thinking?”
“Ugh, sorry. I had thought I’d wanted banana fudge, but then you said Reese’s and that sounds good too.”
“If you wanna get banana fudge, we can share my Reese’s.”
“You sure?”
Paige shrugged. Truly, there was nothing she’d rather do in this moment than share her milkshake with Azzi. Except maybe kiss her. “Yeah.”
“Thank you.”
Paige finished ordering and pulled the jeep up to the window, paying for their shakes. As Paige pulled out of the drive-thru and into a parking spot, Azzi asked, “What’s your Venmo?”
Absolutely ridiculous.
“Nah, I gotchu.”
Azzi leaned over and gently swatted Paige’s arm. Her skin buzzed at the contact. “No seriously, Paige. What’s your Venmo.”
She was clearly new here. There was genuinely not a single universe in which Paige would ever let Azzi Fudd pay for anything.
“Nah,” Paige responded petulantly.
Azzi quite literally pouted in her seat. “Are you sure?”
“Yes ma’am.”
Azzi’s cheeks flushed in response. “Thank you.”
“Anytime.”
——
Monday, August 19th, 2024 — Zaxby’s, Anderson, SC
Paige was sitting in a booth at the local Zaxby’s, aimlessly scrolling through her phone, making sure to slurp extra loud on her milkshake because she knew it would probably annoy Azzi and get the girl’s attention. Sure enough, it worked, as she looked up from her book and met Paige’s waiting eyes with a glare, kicking at her shin.
“Hey!” Paige exclaimed dramatically, making a show to grab at her leg.
“Stop that,” Azzi said, with a small smile–clearly amused at Paige’s theatrics. Paige tried to hide a smile, dipping a french fry in Zax sauce as she went back to her phone.
Zaxby’s was another Southern delicacy that Paige decided she was absolutely obsessed with. This was her first time going—Azzi insisted—and the seasoning on the fries mixed with the Zax sauce was otherworldly. Literally all she’d gotten was chicken fingers, fries, and the milkshake (only the healthiest meals for an athlete such as herself, of course), and it was amazing. Azzi got the house salad (with ranch) and a small fry (with Zax sauce).
Paige had paid for both of them, of course. And she made sure to make a mental note of what Azzi ordered for future reference.
As she unlocked her phone, a notification was waiting for her from her dearest Chris Koclanes. She clicked on it immediately, eager to see what bullshit he had for her today.
8/27 VS. DARWIN HIGH VB ROSTER
Chris Koclanes <[email protected]> August 26th, 2024, 1:32 PM ☆ ☺ ⮐ ⠇
to me ⏷
Here is the starting VB roster.
S1: Marissa
S2: Paige
H1: Azzi
H2: Isabella
M: Kayla
M: Virginia
L: Ava
See you tomorrow.
C
Paige choked on her milkshake, eyes practically bulging out of her head.
“What the fuck!” She exclaimed, letting her phone fall down onto the table. She shoved her last fry into her mouth and laid back on the bench, staring up at the ceiling in disbelief. What the fuck. What the fuck.
Paige tried not to get too cocky, but, objectively, Marissa was quite possibly the worst setter she’d ever seen in her life. She’d only known her for a few weeks and even she knew that. She was pretty sure someone who’s never seen a volleyball in their entire life would still know that after having watched the puny girl on the court for longer than three seconds. In their last practice, she literally attempted to serve and launched the ball past everyone and fully out of bounds and into the bleachers to her right. At least ten times. And, if it didn’t end up in the bleachers, it would end up hitting someone on their team in the back. Or the legs. Or the feet. Never the head, because she couldn’t hit the ball high enough to even remotely come within the realm of clearing the net. Which was, like, the entire point of serving. Paige knew five year olds who could serve better.
“What?” Azzi asked, watching Paige’s reaction with a confused look on her face.
“We’re running 6-2,” Paige said, still genuinely in shock. What the fuck. “Stupid fuck ass bitch coach,” she added under her breath, slapping her hands over her face and taking a deep breath.
Not that Paige was opposed to running 6-2. In fact, she was great at it. She was a phenomenal hitter and she really enjoyed getting to play the position when she rotated in front. But this meant she’d have to play opposite hitter with Marissa as her setter. Which meant she’d probably never see the ball. In fact, none of them were likely to see the ball. Because who knows whether Ava could receive it. And if by the grace of God she did receive it, the chances of it making it into Marissa’s hands were slim. And the chances of it going anywhere near a hitter’s hands were practically nonexistent.
Azzi was silent, and when Paige looked up at her, she had set her book down, grimacing. Paige gestured at her to spit whatever it was out.
“I’m not shocked. Lainey said he likes the whole ‘everyone gets to start because this is for fun’ thing and she’s Cathy’s precious little grandbaby.”
“Do you think he’ll sub her out when she’s front?” Paige asked, though it’s not like it mattered. She may be a terrible hitter, but she was by-far a much worse setter.
“Doubt it,” The incredulous look on Azzi’s face said all she needed to know about her thoughts on the situation. ”Not that it matters. Everyone knows she’s probably better as a hitter anyways, because then you could just not set her.”
“Do you know if any of the other schools in the division are good?”
“I mean, no, not really. But I’m sure they can at least get
the ball across the net,” Azzi lamented. “The same can’t always be said for us.”
“Ugh,” Paige said as she dramatically placed her face down in her hands again.
Azzi took a few more bites of her fries before asking, “You’re gonna play AAU too, right?”
Paige sat up, bringing herself to meet her beautiful eyes. “Yeah. And thank God for that.”
Azzi snorted. “Do you know what team yet?”
Paige was internally giddy at the reminder, so glad that Azzi had brought this up. She had been thinking about it ever since that first day at tryouts when she saw Azzi wearing the team’s hoodie. She couldn’t wait to play with her in a good system with a good coach and good team.
“Elevation.”
Azzi’s eyes lit up. “Oh, nice, I play for Elevation too,” she said. “The 18U National Elite team?”
“Yeah,” Paige had been playing on National Elite teams for forever. She continued, “Do you like the club?”
“Yeah. Coach Nola is great. And the other girls are good too.”
“Sick. ‘m excited.”
The excitement of playing with the AAU team was almost enough to make her briefly forget about the fact that she was about to share the court as setter with Marissa. Almost.
She tried to tell herself that God was using this as an opportunity to teach her patience and fortitude. That she should try to be Christ-like and love her teammates, regardless of how clearly they were not put on this Earth to play volleyball. She’s sure they all had other great, wonderful talents unique to them.
Well, everyone besides Azzi. She was obviously made for volleyball just like Paige.
Paige wondered if they could just play the two of them. She’d take Kayla, too—she was probably the third best. Bam. Setter, hitter, blocker. Their team would probably fare better playing just them for the entire game three-on-six.
Paige finished up her fries and chicken fingers, closing up the containers and placing them back on the tray. “How does the team usually do in the conference?”
“My freshman year they were about in the middle of the pack.” Azzi put her bookmark in her copy of Anne of Avonlea and closed it, placing her trash on the tray too. “Last year I think they were almost dead last.”
“Geez.”
Paige swatted Azzi’s hands away when she moved to grab the tray, picking it up herself and bringing it over to the trash. She held the door open for her as they left, gesturing for her to go first. “After you.”
“Thank you.”
“Yup.”
They bumped shoulders a few times on their way to Paige’s car. Every touch felt like static on Paige’s skin. She couldn’t keep the smile off of her face.
——
Tuesday, August 27th, 2024 — Darwin High School, Pendleton, SC
The first game was an away game located about thirty minutes away in Pendleton.
St. Anne’s didn’t have a school bus service and didn’t have enough money to offhandedly pay for a charter bus, so the team had to carpool to the game. The travel arrangements were incredibly disorganized in Paige’s not-so-humble opinion.
She was packed into Virginia’s car in the back seat, squished between Ava and Marissa. Azzi was in the front. Paige didn’t understand why she was the one who had to sit in the middle, considering Ava and Marissa were basically a foot shorter and Marissa was also a year younger. Whatever, it was fine. If anyone was going to get front seat privileges, she was glad it was Azzi.
Kayla: How’s the car ride?
Kayla was riding shotgun in Lainey’s car. They had the two of them and then all of the quiet people.
Paige: if i have to hear one more morgan wallen song i’m going to jump out
Kayla: Haha L
Paige refused to dignify that with a response.
Chris was also driving himself separately. Which was fine by Paige, she thinks she’d explode if she had to endure his voice and stupid, stupid comments for an entire hour round-trip. It wasn’t a long drive by any means, but it’d definitely send her over the edge.
Paige wished she could be the one driving. Virginia was a senior, which was why she was being entrusted to cart all of them around. And, not that Virginia was a bad driver, and nor would Paige’s jeep be comfortable for three people to squeeze into the back seat. But she just really liked being the one to drive.
Also, Paige would’ve played better music.
Virginia was blasting country music. Paige was willing to bet her entire life’s savings (which albeit wasn’t much) that the volume was on purpose so that she didn’t have to suffer through hearing Marissa and Ava talk. All they did was argue with one another because Ava loved to bait her. “Teacher’s pet” Marissa and “brash, aggressively Type B” Ava did not mesh well.
Paige used to swear she hated country music. She still did, mostly. Morgan Wallen could choke. Racist asshole.
She had always claimed the classic “anything but country” music taste. But, in just a few short two weeks, she’d heard it so many times now that it’d grown on her. Slightly. Just a little. Not that she’d ever actually admit it out loud. Luke Bryan was at least tolerable.
The town they had finally arrived in was tiny. Like, so tiny. It probably had more Baptist churches than it did restaurants. Even though she knew Virginia was just trying to keep Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum from arguing, Paige thought country music suited it.
Even though the game was bound to go terribly, and words truly could not describe how much Paige dreaded the thought of being forced to lose, she was excited to experience the thrill of a game coursing through her veins again.
Even if there was probably no crowd. Or a real gym. Or any internet service. Like, at all.
But the last match she’d played was in Honduras in July. So, safe to say she’d missed it.
Once they finally arrived at the tiny, dingy gym, it’d been the longest thirty minutes of Paige’s life. She all but climbed over Ava to escape the car the second it was parked. Not even the opportunity to stare at Azzi sitting in the front seat had been enough to fix the car ride.
Chris was twenty minutes late, arriving halfway through warmups. Not that they really needed him there. Paige would rather coach the team herself, if she was being honest.
The other team looked quite similar to theirs, minus no Paige or Azzi. They just looked like regular kids who were playing for fun. Which, good for them. All the power to them.
But Paige refused to lose to a tiny school from Pendleton, South Carolina.
Not that she didn’t also attend a tiny school. But, still, it’s the principle of it.
A small girl resembling the likes of the one girl with the braces in Finding Nemo stood to the side of the court and, unfortunately, sang the national anthem to start off the game. There was no sound system in the small gym, not that it mattered because the area was tiny and there was nearly no one there. Paige could still, unfortunately, hear every excruciating second loud and clear. It was like nails on a chalkboard; quite likely the worst Paige had ever heard. She had always been notoriously bad at holding it together during the anthem when surrounded by teammates regardless of whether or not it was good, but it was truly a testament to her strength of will that she didn’t burst out with laughter at the performance. Every time she made eye contact with Kayla or Azzi, she came so close to breaking character. It was so bad.
It was genuinely almost enough of a disaster to pull Paige out of her bubble of focus before the match.
The first rally started with Paige as setter and Marissa as a hitter in the front.
Somehow, they sneaked by with a win in the first set. But everyone besides Paige played like shit. By normal people's standards, Azzi wasn’t playing bad per se. But it wasn’t even close to being on par with what Paige had seen in the prior week. Her timing was off. And, not that Paige would claim to know the girl extremely well after their singular week of friendship, but she wasn’t acting like herself.
Paige had tried to pull her back into the game by joking with her in the huddle, reassuring her after plays, and egging her on, but she still just seemed timid.
Everyone else—Marissa especially—had played just as bad as she’d expected. Marissa had actually managed to hit Paige in the back with a serve attempt. But Paige was too busy worrying about Azzi to care.
After the first set, Chris attempted to berate everyone into playing well, acting as if he didn’t show up twenty minutes late and like he’d actually prepared everyone for success through his practices.
Halfway through his barrage of comments, he snaps, “And, Azzi, I know it’s your first game back from ACL, but get it together.”
What.
Paige’s first thought was that his weaselly ass did not deserve to snap at her like that. Her second was: she was out last year because of an ACL? Jesus.
Paige’s eyes snapped over to the girl’s face, tuning out the rest of whatever the hell Chris was saying, but she wouldn’t meet her eyes.
As they walked back onto the court to start the second set, Paige caught up to Azzi and placed her hand on her back. “You good?”
“Mhm,” Azzi muttered half-heartedly, brushing her off.
Paige didn’t have the time to offer much else, so she gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze before returning to her position to start the game.
They ended up winning, but barely. It came down to the fifth set.
Azzi ended up mostly working out of whatever funk she was in. Paige had tried to meet her eyes and approach her on it to encourage her a few times, but the girl made it clear she didn’t want to talk about it, so Paige took the hint.
By the grace of God the drive back to St. Anne’s didn’t include thirty minutes straight of country music on maximum volume. Instead, it was thirty minutes straight of country music on low volume, which Paige was fine with. Everyone was tired, so the ride was blissfully silent. Azzi had gone home with her parents, so Paige got to ride shotgun in retribution for being in middle seat jail on the way there.
She pulled out her phone.
Paige: hey nice finish today. you good?
She didn’t get an answer until she was back at her house and freshly showered, in her room getting ready for bed. When her phone flashed with Azzi’s name, Paige quite literally dropped her phone onto her foot in surprise. She ignored the pain of her toes and fished for her phone to open up the thread and read what she said.
Azzi: Thanks Paige, you’re so sweet. I’m okay. Next game should be better
Paige was grateful no one was in the room to bear witness to her flushing a truly embarrassing shade of red at Azzi calling her sweet.
Paige: np, always here if you wanna talk!
Azzi: Thank you <3
She wanted to know what was going on in her head so bad. She wasn’t sure what to do to fix whatever was bothering the girl, so she figured the best thing she could do in the moment was pray about it.
She knelt at the foot of her bed and did the sign of the cross before clasping her hands together and closing her eyes. She prayed silently, asking God to keep her healthy and to grant her the strength and courage to play at her best. She prayed that He would take any pain she may be feeling away and that she be able to accomplish whatever her dreams may be and that both the school and AAU seasons would go well.
She finished back up with the sign of the cross again, getting up, plugging her phone in, and sliding under the covers for bed.
——
Wednesday, August 28th, 2024 — Westview Rec Center, Anderson, SC
Paige lugged herself and all of her stuff out of the rec center, looking up as she heard voices still talking in the parking lot. Azzi was leaned up against Paige’s car, her bag on the ground next to her while she talked animatedly to Kayla and a few of the other girls on the team. Paige felt a smile slip onto her face as the tiredness seemingly vanished from her system as she practically skipped over to Azzi and the other girls.
“-And you know he doesn’t actually even know anything about volleyball anyways!” Kayla exclaimed, waving her hands around as she spoke to emphasize her point.
Paige dropped her bag down and slid up next to Azzi against the car. Not quite touching, but definitely close. Because she was obviously just being casual with a good ole’ friend. Soooo casual and so friendly. Her heart definitely wasn’t already beating out of her throat. Nope, not at all.
“I’m pretty sure he didn’t even play past the high school level,” Azzi said. Paige’s head snapped over to look at Azzi, an expression of shock on her face.
“Wait, what?” Paige said. “I knew he was ass, but I didn’t know he never played past high school. Jeez.”
“Right?” Azzi said, an incredulous smile on her face as she met Paige’s eyes, bumping her shoulder. Paige’s shoulder felt tingly at the contact.
“How do you even know that?” Lainey said, with a hint of exacerbated laughter in her voice.
Azzi shrugged. “Looked him up.”
“Was he good in high school?” Kayla asked.
Azzi gave her a look. “What do you think?” right at the same time that Ava said “Of course he wasn’t.”
“Right, dumb question.”
The girls continued ranting about their dearest coach in the parking lot for probably another thirty minutes. The gist being: he was awful, rude, terrible, unqualified, and abysmal at running a practice. The list went on and on.
Paige and Azzi continued to rant about him the entire drive home. It was cathartic. Paige was obsessed with her.
Things had been going so well lately in Paige-land that she had almost forgotten the reality of her new life in South Carolina.
She walked into the cafeteria the next morning, ready for her 10:15 a.m. brunch (a grape uncrustable and a bag of cheez-its calling her name—truly a brunch of champions), when she was faced with what was likely soon to be her death sentence: a big paper banner hanging on the wall with the copy paper Facebook Jesuses spelling out the words ‘Homecoming’ in loopy, pink cursive.
Somehow, in all of her lovesick idiocracy, she’d completely forgotten that dances were a thing that high schools usually had.
“How do you even have a dance at an all girl’s school?” Is the first thing out of her mouth as she takes her seat at the table, squished between Kayla and Azzi. And, granted, she would love it if the dance could just be a little lesbians-only adventure. No boys allowed. Staunchly cootie-free. But even she wasn’t delusional enough to believe that was the case.
“People can invite outside guests if they want, but otherwise it’s a fun girls thing,” Ava supplied helpfully in between bites of her turkey sandwich.
Right.
She was honestly just surprised that a school like St. Anne’s even entertained dances. Genuinely what was the point if the vast majority of girls wouldn’t have a date to bring.
“Well we can’t go as each other’s dates. That would be so gay,” Veronica supplied (unhelpfully).
She’d had so much fun in the past week that she had almost forgotten that this was a Catholic cult school and it was pretty likely that everyone around her thought she’d go to Hell for liking girls.
Paige thanked God almighty when Cathy’s voice rang back out before Paige had to figure out what in the world to say to that. She was honestly just a little impressed that no one else there had figured out that Paige was gay. She didn’t exactly try to hide it. What, with the chain necklace she always wore around her neck, the gay-looking bun she always put her hair in, and lesbian flag colored bead bracelet Drew made for her as a joke that she always wore.
“Outside guest forms are due to me by September 13th,” Cathy announced. “I must get a physical copy and the date must be approved by me.”
“Ooh, Azzi, better get your outside guest form,” Lainey goaded, playfully nudging Azzi.
Azzi blushed, barely concealing a smile. “Shut up, Lainey.”
Lainey and Ava made obnoxious kissy faces at her, causing Azzi to blush and push them both away.
What.
She’d never once mentioned a boyfriend in their time together in the past week.
There honestly weren’t words to describe how Paige felt in that moment. It was like all of the work she’d done to assure herself that the way she felt was okay and perfectly human snapped, and she burned hot with guilt and shame.
All of the memories Paige had of crying over how wrong she felt, the times her mom would make fun of a gay couple they’d see in passing, and the times her priests over the years would condemn gay marriage flooded back into the forefront of her mind. Fuck.
She tried to calm herself down by telling herself it was ridiculous to feel this way about someone you’ve only known a few weeks and she doesn’t owe you anything, but it didn’t do much. She tried to keep her face blank as she got up from the table.
“You good?” Kayla asked. Stupid Kayla and her stupid ability to be perceptive.
“Yeah. Just gunna go to the bathroom.”
Paige didn’t give her time to reply as she turned and left the room.
i would like everyone to know that i just took the gayest looking selfies of my life in the parking deck getting ready to lesbian in seattle (watch the storm mystics game) and i think the real life st. anne’s people that follow my instagram might hate crime me when i post them in my dump
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