can you still do read more page breaks?
oh perfect, now I can rant about health stuff FAIR WARNING THIS IS A RANT ABOUT PERSONAL THINGS. literally don't even know how you found this I have no idea if anyone is even reading this I highly doubt it but THIS HAS BEEN YOUR WARNING.
literally having that ovarian cyst has been the absolute WORST. I know I've been having a "good recovery" and it's all going well and I'm apparently bouncing back quickly but I HATE THIS SO MUCH. like I had a fucking basketball in my abdomen and no one (including me) noticed for MONTHS. IT WAS THERE FOR OVER A YEAR LIKE WTF. and there's truly no way to know how much it was truly affecting me, like looking back on all of 2024 I'm finding moments and wondering if it was something that was cyst related after all.
honestly the worst non-physical health thing is the fact it's made me feel so fucking lonely. so many people are being supportive and coming over to help when I ask but like after the first two weeks people basically stopped checking in? like I'm still in recovery guys. I'm still struggling. I still hate everything that's happened to me. and god forbid I just want to rant about how much the whole situation has sucked, because so many people are trying to find the silver lining for me. I DON'T WANT A SILVER LINING THIS FUCKING SUCKED.
also I haven't been able to talk to anyone about how actually frightening it was during the day i was waiting on results on if it was cancer or not. like thank god it wasn't but for a day I HAD NO IDEA. AND NO ONE CAME OVER NO ONE CHECKED IN.
it sucks that my best friend is in Denver. like she couldn't do shit. she sent me kpop boys for distraction but like what else could she do. meanwhile my best friend here at home didn't call me once before the surgery. and only texted if I texted her first. WHY DO I NEED TO EXPLICITLY TELL PEOPLE I NEED THEM. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND I NEEDED FUCKING HELP AND SUPPORT AND I DIDNT WANT OR NEED TO ASK FOR IT MYSELF.
honestly my parents carried this whole thing. the support the recovery, everything, shout out to them. but also I'm fucking 31. why is it that my parents are the only people doing this. I'm supposed to have a whole self formed community and it didn't fucking work. and then by 3 weeks post recovery everyone went back to acting like everything is normal, meanwhile I still can't lift more than a gallon of milk.
the worst part of all of this is I still feel guilty being mad about all of this. like god forbid I need anything, the minute I do my guilt goes into overdrive.
maybe this is a sign. I'm just not a person who's going to ever be anyone's first priority in the long term. I know I'm probably catastophizing but like. I had major surgery and a massive medical issue and I just have come out of that whole situation feeling more and more lonely. like no one really cares anymore if I'm able to be at events or not. again, I know that's probably not true but someone explain that to the years of literally being no one's first priority. YEARS.
I wish I could drink. I can't drink till April but I just want to be drunk and not think about these things for a while. I want my abdomen muscles to work normally again. I want a hug.
andulkaphoto
vaporwave
2087
