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if i look back, i am lost
Peter Solarz
#extradirty
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EXPECTATIONS
we're not kids anymore.
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@emilyanneforever
I wonder what itās like to come home to a loving, untouched woman after you became everything to preached against. What was it like to lie everyday for a year? Whatās it like to have destroyed a lover girl, your woman? How does it feel to be you, cause Iāll tell you I wish I let myself fade away when I had the chance. I wish you felt the pain, love and loss Iāve endured for 11 years. I wish I was gone.
We spoke of those whoāve passed on to the other side so casually. I wonder if he knew he was talking about me too..
A simple comment like āsucks youāre working so much when you have nothing to work for..ā can tear someone up when all they wanted was to be stable on their own.
From the very beginning I was all about you, even when you were seeing other girls and messing around. You and I would go out to eat (I had to make sure you stayed eatingš„ŗ) and youād tell me about them and the first time I felt my heart sink listening to you talk about them I knew I was in trouble because it meant I liked you. We were eating no puebs burritos inside the restaurant. The one and only time.
From that point on, I had to be the girl who showed up for you and I did. I tried going to all your softball games and rooting you on- I took care of you after work as much as I could by getting you whatever you were hungry for- all for a simple thank you when we were simple friends.
Here I am, back in the friend zone waiting for you to notice me again.
How did I get back here?
How could you think so badly of meā¦. I showed up for you. I just stayed strong for you. For us. I just showed up with love. So much love.
That whole time you were falling out of love and I was falling deeper and deeper into it, into youā¦.
11/11
100 days without you.
I wish youād wrap your arms around me from behind me and whisper āIām sorry, Iāll never let go againā
97 days without you.
Iāve been I love with you since the moment I met you in April 2019. You were a beautiful beacon of light in such a terrible dark time for me and you always stayed that way. You lit my way through hard times, you gave me the greatest love I ever come to know and feel and I waited so patiently for you. I waited while you looked to other women and found minimal comfort with me, I kept pushing for you to notice me. I brought you food as much as I could, I made it when I could. I remember coworkers saying āfriends donāt do that, friends donāt do thatā. They were right. Friends donāt, because I was inlove with you my sweet man. Everyone could see the love I had for you in my eyes, they said it settle but we knew what they meant. The moment we could start dating we did and I loved it. I loved we didnāt miss a beat to come together. You were my treasure, my love. Everything I ever could have dreamed.
I never understood why you didnāt see it too, why you never felt it. I truly feel like if you knew how much I loved you Cody Smith, you would have never left.
I miss you my sweet boy.
I miss you everyday.
Please come home. Please open the door. Please show up.
I finally asked for help. I finally asked for some help and the one person I was trying to lessen the load of-ended up doing what I knew they would eventually do; Leave. The next one took personal offense to my needing help and instead of coming to me as a grown adult to talk about things, what I needed and what was happening- things could have been avoided and even fixed had they been broken but instead they went behind my back, talked shit, made a whole drama scene at the place and decided to leave too. Calling me a backstabbed on the way out.
That person hasnāt been working with me for the past month though and doesnāt realize how much slack Iāve picked up in the last year and a half and thereās been no slack on me ever since. Iām lucky if i can get to the things I need anymore so I do the OT. Itās no problem, itās not. I signed up for it, I love it. But itās when I have to do it every day, day in and day out NO MATTER how well I set it up for the people after me. I give everyone so much benefit of the doubt to get things done and they fall so short and I havenāt been anything but kind about it trying to find a way to make things work. Iām packing more onto my day and these two people were doing the bare minimum for me and saying āthey were doing their partā. But if I had to continuously come in and finish shit that should have been finished the day after I left is pathetic. One TRAINED ME EVEN.
They didnāt understand that I was drowning myself there and wanting to kill myself at home. They had no idea that o was struggling so badly at home that the workload of everyday was worse than it normally is. I just needed some fucking help and Iām a fucking backstabber for it?! What they did was backstabbing. I just needed some fucking help! Does anyone hear me?
I want an open casket so that everyone can see the sadness that took over me one day. But can you do that if youād rather be buried under a dope fruit tree?
What kind of fruit would I want to nourish? Figs are neat and so are nectarines. ā¤ļø
I want an open casket but I want tree roots taking me over for eternity.
Please make sure nobody runs their fingers through my hair, you know I hate when it gets poofy.
Let my sister pick my outfit out too, she knows how I like my eyebrows and I got her plenty of stuff to choose from.
If I donāt make it, make sure Nyx lives a happy beautiful and long life with sunset walks daily.
Plant her beside me when itās her time, too. Iām sure if you donāt her soul will sniffing for me for eternity and my soul tears wonāt get taken care of without her.
Technically I was pregnant since the moment we became official.. so thinking back to that I wonder if you think how I was, what I was doing, my weird emotions those first few months were weird and you didnāt know how to read me. You thought I was talking to other people, accused me of not wanting to be with you. July 6th rolled in and that pregnancy test came back positive. I was all yours, I was yours for the taking if youād have me. I didnāt want to ask you to keep it, I wanted you to want me to keep it. I wanted you to want it too, but itās not how things went.. I did what I thought we were agreeing on but it turned out neither of us wanted that. Eerie isnāt it.
After that, everything around me fell apart and you stopped truly seeing me. Since July 27th, 2022. Iāve been in pain, denial and overall grief. Iāve been processing what I did and I hate myself more and more everyday. But how could I tell you that? How could I tell you I made that mistake? How was I meant to open up that conversation again- my love? Donāt you understand why I was so shut down now? I was grieving our loss, our mini, our future and itās all because I didnāt know how to bring it up a couple more times.
You thought I didnāt want it but, you know when a women is put in that position- everything begs her to keep it. We feel the immense love and happiness that comes with it, especially with the right love. You were that right love. ā¤ļø
You accused me of terrible things for months to come, always thought the worst of me. I could never openly tell you what was really going on with me, that I was shut down and I wanted to turn back time and not make that choice. But I didnāt want you to feel this guilt too, the dread and hatred I held already for myself. I punished myself daily, I still do. I am my worst enemy in this. I really wanted you to see the pain that I was in and to stop and think maybe why I was the way I was. Why I never tried to stand up to what you were saying but rather realize I was in so much pain I couldnāt stand up for myself. I only wanted you to know there wasnāt ever anything going on besides my deepest regrets of losing our child.
How can anyone recover from thatā¦
11 weeks since you left me, since I was abandoned somewhere I shouldnāt have been. The nightmare of my life coming to reality and the deep dark heaviness just residing in my soul ever since. I wish you understood how badly this hurts, how badly it took me out. Itās been 11 weeks and Iām still barely eating, Iām dissociating and Iāve experienced my first derealization moment or episodes, I donāt know what you can call it but itās definitely a sickening feeling, almost third person but still attached to the body. I donāt know. I can barely get out of bed or stay out of it. I canāt do anything honestly. I just cry and pace. I can barely breathe I just find myself holding in air. I really donāt know what to do. I really donāt know how to feel or if I can feel. I just feel so empty.
this.
A little too happy holding an assault weapon.
šš
Reminds me of home š
http://geton.goo.to āKen block killing it c/Auto Addicts, //CAMBERSQUAD\, DOPE FLOSSINā¢, SRT Familyā¢, Drift Carsā¢, R34L R1D35ā¢, Ultimate Stance #drift #muscleā
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What happiness sounds like
I love the Mountains ā¤ļøš²š¬
