exhale

| Emily | LA | 21 | 11.20.14 | "You are always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past." - Richard Bach twitch.tv/itsxemily twitch.tv/Aventadorx

[emilysays-hi]

I'm just happy that you are happy. I'm sorry for things I've done and said. I wish for nothing but the best for you. -An old friend.

Tbh, I don’t know how long this has been sitting in my inbox for. But thank you, whoever you are.

Msg me off anon if you ever see this?

[emilysays-hi]

Sleepless nights.

I’ve been ill and bedridden for since Friday. I’ve been sleeping most of the time and now I can’t.

I hardly, if ever, touch tumblr anymore. I keep forgetting why I chose to start up this blog. But that’s not why I decided to make this post.

I’ve been going through past #personal posts again tonight, at least the ones I bothered to tag. Which, unfortunately, only started in 2014. There wasn’t much to go through, thankfully, but unfortunately, I’m too lazy to go searching through the tens of thousands of posts that I’ve reblogged to fish for the few originals that I’ve made about my boring life.

It brings back a lot of memories. Some that I’ve chosen to forget, others that just faded. A majority of them were very needy, very desperate, and very disappointing to look back to at this time. If they [sad, needy posts] weren’t about my family, they were about one specific individual. It’s been a little over two years, so it seems ridiculous now, but I can’t help but cringe when I read over these.

I was watching a YouTube video earlier about a woman talking about her previous dysfunctional relationship a few hours ago. (By the way, as I’m typing this, it’s 6:17AM.) And as I was reading these old posts about you, I can’t help but realize that a lot of things she said in that video applied to our previous relationship. You were deceptive and manipulative, but charming and caring when things weren’t going your way. Looking back at it now, I know what you did was wrong, but at the time, I was swept up in the attention and time that you gave to me. Even though I wasn’t the one to end things, I’m glad you are no long a part of my life any longer. I’ve grown a lot in the last two years.

You would think that after moving out from my parents’ home and from the cities I grew up in, that was more than enough to clue me in that my life has changed drastically. I didn’t have much of a social life down in LA, but I miss going out with friends, even if it wasn’t that often. As sad as it sounds, I don’t really have friends up here. I’m not currently in school, and both my jobs aren’t exactly the greatest for meeting new people. Brandon and I are both homebodies, him more so than I am. But there’s the occasional need for me to go out and do something. And that doesn’t usually get accomplished unless I pester him about it.

I miss having friends. So much that it hurts sometimes.

I’ve been gone from my hometown for about 8 months now. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my parents. I do. I can’t stand living with them and the relationship i had with them, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. I recognize that they didn’t have to do all the things they did for me, but they did. I’m grateful for it now. And I regret not being able to tell them or show them sooner. I still hardly talk to my parents. We still haven’t gotten any better at communicating with each other.

I’ve also been stalking this one girl on social media. I won’t get into specifics because it’d make it obvious who I’m talking about if she ever found out. (Tbh, I don’t think she will but better safe than sorry, right?)

I didn’t have a good first impression of her. And nothing I’ve heard or seen about her has really changed what I think of her. But I found her tumblr tonight. And, like the freak that I am, I went through her #personal posts too. I don’t agree with a lot of her decisions, but people make mistakes.

I’ve never really had a good opinion about her, but we also never talk. After reading some her posts, it makes me an ass cause I jumped so quickly to conclusions about her, but at the same time, it also clarified some things about her character that didn’t change my initial opinion about her at all.

Then again, this is social media. Everything is skewed toward what the person posting wants you to feel. I’ve posted a lot of bad shit in the past too. And reading back on some of that stuff now, I made it sound so much worse than it was, and I made it sound like I was almost never at fault. It’s only one side of the story. Obviously the side they want you to hear. 

I have pretty mixed feelings about her, but unless we talk, which probably won’t be ever, they’re probably going to lean more towards negative than positive.

I’ve been typing for the past 43 minutes and it’s finally hitting me. I’m getting sleepy. 

Before I go...

I’ve been a complete asshole to a lot of people over the last few years. And if any of you are still active on tumblr and see this, I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry for all the rude and mean things I’ve said or done. I might’ve been acting out, but that’s no excuse for treating others like crap. I’m sorry. I really am.

Until next time.

xoxo

[emilysays-hi]

Going through old #personal posts, and I initialed conversations instead of putting names, and I’m regretting that decision right now.

[emilysays-hi]

Hi. Hello. It’s been a while.

It’s been so long since I’ve been on tumblr. Where do I even begin?

For those of you who care (or are just nosy, I guess), a lot has happened. If you haven’t already noticed from the Instagram pictures, I’ve quit my job at McDonald’s, I’ve stopped going to school (not that that was a huge part of my feed anyways), and most notably, I’ve moved out from my parents’ home.

It’s 2:30 AM on a Saturday morning and I have work in about 10.5 hours.

I’ve never been a very sociable person, and that part of me hasn’t changed. When I started college, I kept to myself and only talked to others when I was forced to for group assignments. I’ve lost contact with a lot of my friends and it hurts a little bit now since I miss so many of them. I haven’t exactly made any friends since I’ve moved either. I still keep to myself. Not that I mind so much for now. But it would be nice to have someone else, other than my boyfriend, to talk to every once in a while.

It’s been about half a year since I’ve moved out, and to be honest, sometimes I still can’t believe that I did. I’ve always talked about and dreamed of moving out from home, but now that it’s done, sometimes it feels like I’m still only just dreaming about it.

I’ve ranted and raved that my parents weren’t the best, and that part is partially true. But since I’ve been apart from them, it’s not as bad as I made it seem. Granted, a lot of things weren’t great, but they’re not perfect people. And I’m far from perfect myself. 

I miss my family, as distant as we were. I especially miss my dogs. I hope they haven’t forgotten me yet. I miss where I grew up, with all it’s food and attractions.

Sacramento. The city of trees. There’s not much to do up here. There’s not much to eat up here. There’s not much to see up here either. But in the meantime, I don’t mind. I’m more than content staying at home with my better half. 

Things have been really good between us since I’ve moved in. It’s nice to have someone to come home to and cuddle with when I’m having a bad day. I love him so much. And I’m glad I made this decision, no matter how much I miss LA. He’s been so good to me. And I’m so lucky to have him.

Seeing the way he and his mom are makes me upset sometimes though. I wish I had that kind of relationship with my parents. 

So, at the moment, I have two part time jobs, one of which frustrates me to no end. I’m living with my very loving and caring boyfriend. We don’t have or do very much right now, but at least we have each other. I realize that sounds cheesy as fuck, but I’m very happy with how our relationship has blossomed into. School’s been put on hold for now until I find the time, motivation, and save enough money to go back.

Other than that, I really don’t know what else to say. I guess I’ll just end this little blip of an update here.

Until next time.

xoxo

[emilysays-hi]

Merry Christmas! 🎄💙

[emilysays-hi]

He got me a freaking camera for Christmas. 😭😘😍💙📷 Thank you so much, love. 💙

[emilysays-hi]

My 21st birthday weekend in Polaroids. 😊🎂🍹🎊🎉

[emilysays-hi]

Finally 21. 🎂🍹🎉🎊 My first drink in a fish mug. 😂😂😂 (at Benihana)

[emilysays-hi]

The chroma version of this came out almost right after I bought the regular Black Widow about a year ago. I've wanted this since it came out. I have matching mouse and keyboard now. 😊 It's so pretty. #razer

[emilysays-hi]

It's 3am. He didn't make it. I'd be lying if I said my eyes weren't puffy right now. It was heartbreaking to see you lie lifeless at the bottom of the tank. I loved you for the short time I had you. I'm sorry to see you go. Swim in peace, Ares. 😢

[emilysays-hi]

I've had you for almost two weeks, but it doesn't really seem like you'll make it through tonight. I've grown really attached to you and I don't want you to leave just yet. It might be wishful thinking, but please don't die on me yet.

[emilysays-hi]

Fish, r u ok??? #Ares #betta

[emilysays-hi]

Ares let me take a few good pictures of him tonight. He's got to be one of the most laid back and awkward bettas. He likes hiding a lot and seems like he has a hard time swimming sometimes. He's currently laying on the gravel by the heater, with the neon tetras right behind him. I think I might have given him the wrong name. 😂 Since I've gotten the tetras, their numbers went from 5 down to 3. Had I known that they weren't hardy fish before I got them, I would've chosen other fish. But, the last three seem to be doing really good so far. 👍🏼👌🏼#Ares #betta #neontetra

[emilysays-hi]

LED light came today. And babe built me a lid for the tank at work too. 😊 Ares really enjoys all the plants I put in the tank. He's been resting on the moss balls a lot today and now he's laying on the leaves. The neon tetras haven't been too active since I got them. Still huddle together near the heater. Sometimes they'll venture out and swim between all the stems, but thats about it. #Ares #bettafish #neontetrafish

[emilysays-hi]

Ares not only has a few new tank mates, but they all have a new home. The thermometer and heater came today. Just waiting on the LED light so I can have my lamp back. They're getting along just fine. He hasn't nipped, or shown any prolonged interest, in the neon tetras I git today. He chased them for a bit when he was first introduced to the tank, but that was about it. (He actually nipped at the neon gravel instead.) I'm glad they're all living together peacefully. I wish I could get more but this tank isn't big enough to house more fish. #bettafish #neontetrafish

[emilysays-hi]

I got a little Betta today. 😊 Named him Ares, after the Greek god of war. 🐟👊🏼💪🏼 #bettafish

[thebestoftumbling]

Malamute puppies struggling to comprehend music

[ravensfangs]

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH

[scarves-and-jumpers]

Help me

[lchurley]

im the 2 on the right