I write Phanfics

I write stuff... Mostly about Danny Phantom. Always open to prompts/ suggestions :D 

[hopehjort]

Harpy-Ike wingstudy. I tried to get the feel of the blend between hand/arm and wings. As well as understanding the bones underneath and what it causes. 

[emmagineif]

Ways I would have written season 8

Not kill Allura

Still have the ending with a thematically relevant sacrifice by:

The team thinks Allura is dead. But then they look on Altea and find... BAM: Allura’s alive. Haggar poured her consciousness back into the realities because she can. Full redemption. (This is such an annoying death fakeout, but so easily within the established rules of canon, it’s bullshit they didn’t do it). 

Make a big show of Allura sacrificing herself. Maybe starts recovering universes. Honerva just goes “I’ll take it from here. You’ve given enough.” ALLURA LIVES

Let’s say somebody has to go in with Haggar. There’s SO MANY PEOPLE on the Atlas. Have people start volunteering. Have them start to argue, telling Allura she’s done enough and she’s needed to help rebuild. To rebuild Altea. There’s ALTEANS ON THE ATLAS.

Haggar brings back Lotor, and Lotor teaches Haggar how to do the quintessence stuff, redeeming them both in the process.

Are the former paladins still attached to Haggar’s consciousness? They are NOW: Remind us they’re dying too.

Completely change the ending. Have Allura ‘sacrifice’ herself by pulling all the evil stuff out of Haggar, and when Honerva realizes what she’s done (and that she was totally about to kill Lotor), pull all the evil stuff back into herself, and then kill herself to save the universe (kind of dark, but that’s where I thought they were going).

Just... Make a bigger deal of Haggar’s sacrifice. Frankly, I’m really attached to the “you’ve given enough” line I came up with. Like... wasn’t part of the paladin code not to leave anybody behind WHY ARE WE LEAVING ALLURA BEHIND!?!?!?!?

Use the reality bending shenanigans to fill the plothole where Keith is following a prophecy written in cave paintings near the blue lion and is never explained.

More Alternate Reality Shenanigans. Let’s see what they’re up to. Oh, look, THERE’S SO MANY SPARE ALLURAS. LETS KILL ONE OF THEM INSTEAD. HAVE A BUNCH OF REALITIES WHERE VOLTRON IS FIGHTING HAGGAR. HAVE A BUNCH OF ALTERNATE PALADINS DIE AND THEN HAVE EVERYBODY WEIRDED OUT ABOUT HOW THEY DIDN’T DIE BUT KIND OF DID. 

I think it’s great that Lance gets to spend time with his family on the planet he loves. Keith got a break, Lance should too. But it shouldn’t be the rest of his life. Getting over his need for approval and glory shouldn’t mean the death of his ambition, unless you’re going to address that more directly. For the humility stuff, have him visit somebody and bring supplies or help fix something and have them say “I’m sure these people would love to say thank you.” and Lance is like “eh, you don’t even have to tell them I was here.” because my sense of worth is no longer attached to how others perceive me. Obviously, a farmer is a great and noble profession, but when has Lance EVER shown any interest in it? HAVE KEITH MAKE A CARGO PILOT JOKE AND LANCE IS LIKE “haha” (sarcastically) and then like “We don’t really need fighter pilots any more... and, honestly... I joined the Garrison because I just... really wanted to fly. I guess I forgot that somewhere along the way.” 

I would have Allura and Lance date for a while and then breakup. They still love each other and are friends, but Lance realizes there’s more to life than romance and Allura realizes that really she’s more preoccupied with rebuilding Altea than with having a relationship right now.

Variation: Allura’s too focused on the war to have a relationship with Lance right now. They get together at the end of the series because they’re moving on together.

Variation: Klance.

Give Allura a cool face scar like Keith and Shiro. Maybe have it make her Altean markings look a little more like Haggar. Have it come from:

The climactic fight with Haggar.

From harboring that evil blob thing in her body.

From partially reconstructing all of reality because, yeah, that might take a toll, but why does it have to KILL YOU!?

Limb loss totally counts as a sacrifice. Let’s do that instead of killing Allura off.

Frankly, Allura dying REALLY bothered me. And I think part of it was that I watched the first episode and thought “Are they going to kill Allura?” And it wasn’t like, she was doing something dangerous, or was getting super world-weary, or anything... It was that her relationship with Lance was going really well.

And yet it was the first episode; it was the beginning of an arc. So, either they’re going to start having problems around the middle, and fix them by the end, or it’s going to end tragically, because if it starts and ends in the same place it isn’t an arc.

And Allura seemed more focused on her job, and Lance more and more focused on Allura, and they kept not fighting... So I was pretty sure it was going to be Allura dying.

I think it would have bothered me less if the evil blob thing had killed her. Or started taking her over, and she sacrificed herself to save everyone. I’m not saying I’d love it, but at least that would be tied directly to her decisions, and it would subvert the cliche of “this is super dangerous it might kill you!” by... actually killing someone for once. 

And, yeah, sacrificing herself to save the universe is bigger than that, but it was literally introduced 30 seconds before it was happening. And especially because Lance’s epilogue was ALL about Allura? It felt a lot more like they killed her to finish a tragic romance plotline than to say anything about death or hardship, or even HER CHARACTER at all... 

[emmagineif]

Why do people see Keith as Slytherin?

Nothing against Slytherin, but... Keith?

How is he ambitious?

Sure, he was the best pilot in his class, but he drops out and instead of going back to school, or getting a job (in any way consolidating power) he goes out to the desert and investigates a feeling?

He actively tries NOT to become the Black Paladin, and, sure, it’s a pretty cunning plan to just avoid that until Shiro takes back over, but it effectively demotes Keith to a foot soldier.

And cunning?

Like, he’s smart, but I wouldn’t really consider “dodging an energy blast so it hits a ship behind him” to be super cunning.

Because that’s the exception, not the rule. 95% of the time Keith just says “screw it!” And attacks blindly.

Besides, Keith deciding it’s a good idea to take on Zarkon by himself is the most Gryffindor thing I’ve ever heard...

This isn’t a rhetorical question either. Like, I’m genuinely curious and want to hear from people because I don’t get it at all. 

[alwaysunnyonmtv]

Looking at this makes me so tired.

[synclaires-deactivated20181208]

Every year, multiple times a year, they convince ppl to fork out thousands of dollars and….literally nothing changes. There’s no doubt in my mind they’re pocketing most of this money lol

[nutheadgee-deactivated20190314]

Yep

[bihet-dragonize]

That’s what’s so wild to me. They’ve made exactly 0 changes other than adding the ‘Exclude’ tags and that def doesn’t take 130k.

[emmagineif]

Actually you can see their budget right here, and, yeah, it cost about 100k. (For reference an entry-level, full time web developer makes about 40k a year, not including benefits). 

Here’s where they talk about all the changes they actually made. 

To understand why any of this matters, here’s what you have to understand: 

In computers, time is expensive. 

“Putting a strain on the Archive’s servers” basically means slowing down the website, which potentially means paying for and maintaining more servers, which is more expensive. 

And that’s just bookmarks. Because everything on ao3 is interconnected, any changes made to the tagging system could completely break the functionality of the entire website. This means if you didn’t notice any changes somebody did their job really well. Somebody tested that code extensively, pushed it to it’s limits, fixed all the problems, and then tested it all over again.

And that’s just the things they’ve actively made changes to; every year there’s more fics added, which means more data they’ve got to store and maintain. They’ve got to back everything up that when they lose data (not if), they’ve got a backup so you don’t lose the 500,000 word fic you spent 2 years working on and isn’t stored anywhere else. 

And that’s just what they’re storing. Every time you load a fic, every time you make a search, you’re communicating with a server, which can only send information out to so many computers at once. More and more people use ao3 each year, meaning they have to buy more servers (which cost money). 

Now, I’m not an expert. And I haven’t thoroughly looked through their budget to see if they actually have spent their money wisely, or if there are cheaper contracting services they could have used, but I’m pretty sure the people working there have a better idea of how much something costs than a random person looking at a number and saying “that looks like a lot.” 

Do you have to donate? No. Obviously not (although it is tax deductible). But I personally don’t consider paying somebody for a service they’ve provided to be them “pocketing my money,” especially when they’re a nonprofit, unlike, say, twitter, facebook, or... TUMBLR. 

Maybe it isn’t worth anything to you to keep ao3 up and running, and that’s fine! But I use their service every single day, and it’s worth something to me. 

[kcgane-deactivated20190222]

things i desperately want to hear answered from LM and JDS if i ever got the chance to ask: 

is the shack keith finds himself in rebuilt from his parents’ home, or is it alternatively a shack in the desert that is abandoned 

bc the size is different but the fences outside are the same and the direction of the house is facing a different direction but it fits with the landscape comparison shots

if so. then what happened to the original house bc if it is the same spot of land then the house has significantly decreased in size, and even gone down to one floor. 

also, there’s clear signs of fire damage and cracks in the walls ect in the shack keith now lives in which is also just one room with an extra unit next to it. so is this some kind of leftover of the original structure that was left bc some of the original house is clearly made of wood which would’ve burnt 

if this is true and the shack keith is in is the remains of his old house, then how did it burn down and leave just the stronger structure? was it an accident or something more sinister. 

you know there is a horrible question tied up here with fire. 

he envisions his father in the shack in the mindscape, and whilst considers it a home as the mindmeld suggests and infers, instead of calling it home explicitly or recognising it as somewhere keith has been before or he knows about prior to his expulsion, keith simply explains he was ‘drawn out to this place’ which implies he actually followed the energy and led him there by a series of events. 

so is that what happened? did he drive out aimless and grief-stricken, following an indescribable hunch something was calling him, which led him to abandoned shack which he fixed up and it also co-incidentally is part of his parents’ old house which is he had no idea about at the start? even without realising he was right back where his parents were as if the echoes of his past were right there with him as he forged his presence in the present and the future started to get closer and closer - bc that’s so whimsical and also really beautiful to consider 

if it’s true - that the shack is part of his old house with his parents, then did the visions in the quantum abyss where he saw this home make him realise this bc he saw similarities

OR IS IT JUST ANOTHER SHACK 

how long did keith stay with his dad in their original home? did they move after krolia left or stay there until his father passed and keith went to the home? 

since returning to earth has keith gone back to the shack, staring wistfully at the place that has grown incredibly dusty unkempt, seeing the map on the wall and all his work, where they all once stood at the start of the journey bc i think whilst keith yearns for belonging in people not places specifically he would indulge nostalgia for a moment to head back and just look at this place one more time and let himself put it to rest in his bones. 

the hoverbike…. is it okay. 

[sarapsys]

i always assumed the shack that he was in was the same one to the right of the house, and that it was originally a shed or something? 

[emmagineif]

Keith’s shack in episode 1. 

Here’s it from a different angle. The tree from ep 1 looks smaller to me, and a different spot (more behind than in line with). Keith’s shack also looks like it’s got 1 window on the front, wheras the shack next to the house looks like it’s got a line of windows. I’ve been assuming it was just the shack next to the house, but now that I’m really comparing them they look a lot different.

[memorywitches]

[emmagineif]

I don't think panicking and throwing out nonsense answers is a statement on intelligence. Some of the smartest people I know play pictionary like that. It doesn't help the rest of the team, but it does potentially help Keith so he knows what to focus on/ what he drew badly that they're not understanding. Besides, if Hunk is thinking Robot and Lance is thinking some kind of animal, someone can combine that to get the answer-- Robot Lion. He’s brainstorming, and there are no bad ideas in brainstorming. Plus, keep in mind you already know the answer; crocodile and cave weren’t bad answers for Haggar when she was just an oval. Chopsticks wasn’t bad for only having 2 lines. 

[emmagineif]

Hi. I love your idea that Danny caused the apocalypse to get his family back. May I write something using it? I'm not sure if I ever post it, I have a lot of abandoned works - but just in case, may I?

I have no idea when this was posted, but go ahead! It's actually kinda my headcanon, 'cause I think it makes more sense than the alternative!

[emmagineif]

............*shakes head and leaves*

... What? Why?

[emmagineif]

Morality in Voltron (Victory or Death)

.This is a topic I’ve been thinking about since season 4, but after LM said that if Keith hadn’t had Shiro, he would have ended up a lot like Lotor, I finally had my case studies. 

So, Keith vs Lotor...

First of all, Keith doesn’t have the social skills to be as manipulative as Lotor, and an orphan is hardly going to have the kind of power a prince does. Between Keith’s temper and awkwardness, they’re never going to be the same character. 

However, empathy and morality are learned. We get them from our parents, our teachers, and, eventually, our peers. If every person you ever meet is cruel and mocks you for any display of kindness, you stop being able to afford empathy. You assume the worst of people. Why help them? They probably deserve it.

So, to say that someone would have turned out differently if their lives had gone a different way is, verifiably, true. 

That being said, what do they believe?

Well, Voltron explicitly sets up two different bases of morality:

The Galra have the phrase: Victory or Death (variation: knowledge or death)

In other words, there are two things you can prioritize: The Mission or the Team.

Keith says this explicityly in S4E1 (Code of Honor): “In Voltron, we would’ve gone back in to save Regris.” A blade member would go “back to save the information.” ((I’ll come back to this scene later))

So, what do Keith and Lotor believe? Well, let’s take a look at how both characters handle The Trolley Problem. This is a classic thought experiment that basically boils down to: Do you sacrifice one person to save five? 

Lotor says yes:

Keith... Also says yes:

When Allura is captured, Keith doesn’t want to risk Voltron to rescue her.

Now, are these the exact same situation? No. First of all, Lotor doesn’t have to kill Narti; Axca has a stun gun for gods sake. Zarkon also isn’t going to kill Allura. Plus, the Paladins should have a pretty clear idea of what Allura would want; they’re in this situation because Allura sacrificed herself. 

Still, these are the two closest scenerios I could find, and they tell us what their priorities are. Lotor is willing to sacrifice his team the second one of them might be comprimised. Team voltron decides to go after Allura, because they need her; she makes them stronger. 

Now, let’s see a different scenario:

Do you kill thousands of Alteans, against their will, in the hopes that one day you might be able to improve their lives?

Lotor says yes. Keith says no. The mission, or the team?

Keith disagrees here, he says you should pick the people over the mission, while Lotor says the sacrifice is worth it. The ends justify the means.

So, what changed? Is it simply the scenario? The number of people? If only there was an instance in which Keith wanted to pick an individual over the universe at large...

It’s Shiro. Of course it’s Shiro.

Now, again, this isn’t the same scenario: they haven’t sacrificed Shiro; not flying the Black Lion won’t bring him back, but Allura does connect this to the Trolley Problem. (”Our Mission is bigger than any one individual.”) It’s almost like there’s nuance and complexities to any situation!

The fun thing is that Keith’s morality actually changes. And we can pinpoint when that happens:

In S3E3, Keith leads onto Thayserix, chasing after Lotor. When Allura and Hunk get separated, Keith wants to leave them behind. Why?

Now, of course this works terribly; the entire point of voltron is that they’re stronger together (the giant robot is a metaphor). It isn’t just about the mission, it’s about the team. This is the epiosde where Keith realizes that, because guess what? If you start leaving people behind, when you get to the end, you don’t have anyone left. 

And it’s after this where we start to see Keith doing something we’ve never seen Lotor do.

Sacrifice

Himself

For

Others. 

In fact, we’ve explicitly seen Lotor not sacrifice himself:

We know Keith is thinking about the team because in “Code of Honor” Kolivan chews him out for going after Regris, and Keith says “In Voltron we would have gone back in to save Regris. I went back to save the mission. Regris had the intel.” 

Except he’s lying. Because two minutes later Keith is trying to save Regris again, except this time Regris doesn’t have any information. The fun thing is that Lotor does something incredibly similar when he’s first introduced; he talks a big game about allies and loyalty, but when “the masses” aren’t listening?

Now, I’m not just going to gloss over Keith being self destructive; is there a problem with this? Yes. Keith cuts himself off from the team and we can see that his priorities now are bascially THE TEAM, THE MISSION... KEITH. And, no, that isn’t healthy. His character development hasn’t actually gone backwards, just sideways, because he’s cut himself off from the Team. 

All he really needs someone to tell him that he’s important too--

Thanks, mom.

By the way, this is also the episode where Lance talks about his insecurities, because, yeah, this show is good at themes.

On Lotor’s side he honestly believes he’s the only person who can accomplish his goals: hell, nobody else even knows his plan. He can’t afford to sacrifice himself. For Lotor, himself and the mission are on and the same, and with Keith back on the team, they’re in basically the same spot, just vastly different ideals.

It’s almost like the half-galran boys who were abandoned by their mothers but still end up trying to fulfil her legacy are foils. 

And that’s the point. We don’t really see how Lotor got to be where he is; the closest we get is Lotor’s governess:

She doesn’t really care if Hunk avoids her blows by learning, or by blocking her, and that’s what Lotor learns: that it doesn’t really matter how you achieve your goal, and he never really had anyone to try and tell him different.

Keith, on the other hand...

Yeah, Keith, it would have been.

[emmagineif]

Reasons I will go see the Teen Titans Go Movie:

I hear it’s good.

That’s it... That’s literally it. You know what I call the “If the movie does well we’ll bring back Teen Titans” thing? 

Advertising

In fact, you know what this reminds me of?

Marvel had already announced a release date for Captain America: Civil War when DC decided to release Batman vs. Superman on the same date. Now, on the surface this seems really dumb; both movies have the same target audience, and opening them the same weekend would effectively cut the box office numbers in half. Now, there was a chance that Marvel would change their release date, but why? They’d announced it first and already had 12 massively successful films to back them up. DC had one film with mixed reviews. 

Eventually DC backed off and moved their release date again, and when the movie came out it had a huge opening weekend... and then people immediately stopped seeing it. Why? Because people heard it was bad. The only reason it did so well initally was the adverstising... So why did they even try to pit a bad film up against such a successful one?

Here’s a hint: Captain America: Civil War was the 12th highest grossing film of all time. And if you go and watch the press tour, guess what question is asked in Every. Single. Interview. 

You know what I call that? 

FREE Advertising.

They didn’t have to make a trailer, didn’t have to pay for screentime, all they had to do was make one announcement and suddenly they’re being compared to one of the highest grossing films of all time. 

It’s a marketing strategy. They don’t care if their movie is good, they care that they took your money.

Now, DC’s comics are awesome. I love a lot of their animated stuff. I really enjoyed Wonder Woman. But Suicide Squad was a mess, and Teen Titans Go is stupid. And I’m not going to spend money on watered down, incoherent, terrible version of the characters I love. Because if those are the versions that make DC money? Those are the versions we’re gonna get. 

Do you think we got Deadpool because X-men Origins: Wolverine did well? 

“But that’s how the industry works: If something does well, they make more of it.”

Well, here’s a lesson in how Capitalism works: If your product sucks, I’m not going to buy it.

Now, I’m not saying don’t go see the Teen Titans Go movie. If you want to see it, go have fun! But if you’re going to see it just to get season 6, you are paying for 10 seconds of Teen Titans content. 

That’s it. 

I’m not saying they won’t bring back Teen Titans (honestly they’d be stupid not to), but why would they fund a TV show if they could make more money on an empty promise? How many hoops are you willing to jump through?

Now, maybe Teen Titans Go to the Movies is awesome. The trailer seemed kind of funny, and I might have 88 minutes to kill at some point... But I’m going to read the reviews and decide for myself. 

Otherwise, I’m buying a $15 movie ticket for the chance to maybe buy an actual Teen Titans ticket in the future. 

[emmagineif]

If Thanos also killed half of all the animals... didn’t he just halve all of the resources too?

[emmagineif]

Season 7 Spoilers

Season 7 spoilers and specualtion below the cut:

So, if you followed the liveblog, or other stuff, you know that apparently Shiro is sick with... Some kind of muscle disease. 

That’s actually a real life problem with astronauts. You’re spending time with no gravity. That means that the exercise you would normally get from walking across the room (or even lifting your arm) doesn’t exist; the tiniest motion, and you’re floating across the room. Scientists actually do research on this by having volunteers spend 70 days in a bed without getting up, and simply try to stop their muscles from dying. 

Now, I don’t know how much time Shiro had already spent in space before Kerberos (judging from how he already seems pretty famous, and the snippets I heard from Sam Holt, it seems like he’s been out there quite a bit). It’s entirely possible that Shiro’s health problems are 100% due to him spending time in space. 

Even if this is something else, like a genetic disorder or otherwise, a long term space mission will 100% make it worse. 

Basically, Shiro’s space missions were kind of gradually killing him... 

[emmagineif]

Genderfluid Lance?

“She probably thinks I’m pretty...”

“Heroic men and women... And Lance.”

People should totally add their own!

[emmagineif]

Guys, Keith WAS playing DND

So, I was reading through the Dungeons and Dragons 5th Edition Dungeon Masters guide and I got to the section on the Fey Wilds and something caught my attention:

Now, what’s a Blink dog?

Now, I’m not saying Alteans are Space Elves, but—

And lets see that Fey Crossing—

And what’s that about time moving differently?

And that’s not even counting the aesthetics...

I’m just saying, it looks like Keith and his mom spent some time in the Fey Wilds...

[emmagineif]

Lance’s Character Development

Season 1 Lance and season 2 Lance are not the same character. 

The scene that introduces him, (in a test clearly designed to test teamwork and ability to adapt to new situations) has him wreck a simulator because he refuses to give Hunk the opportunity to fix the ship. He’d rather show off and fail than even try to use his team. 

Compare that to season 3, where are Allura specifically spells it out for us: Giving up on the Black Lion“ proved that you value a strong team over your own need for glory.”

And this was hard for Lance; he struggles with it long enough that the team wonders if they should intervene, but utlimately he makes that decision for himself. It hurts, but it changes him, for the better, particularly when it comes to Allura:

Lance treats her like a sexual object for the first 2 seasons, in spite of the fact that it obviously makes her uncomfortable. It’s more important to him that she (and everyone around them) know that he’s attracted to her than respect her thoughts and feelings.  

Lance hasn’t flirted with her once since that scene in season 3. I’ve counted. Instead, their relationship has steadily gotten better, until season 5, where they joke about how he used to actively make her uncomfortable. 

That’s the also same scene where we see him doing something productive on the ship without being asked (see crystal venom, where the rest of the team goes to work on something when they get bored of watching Sendak). 

This means he’s working on improving his faults, rather than ignoring them (See “I’ll shove you in a wormhole,” or, you know any time he’s ever criticized on anything... ever).

These are just a few examples; I’ve got a longer post on toxic masculinity, and how Lance giving up on the Black Lion represents him letting go of his reliance on other people for his sense of self worth, but I thought I’d give a brief overview first. 

I’m not trying to whump on Lance; in fact, I’m trying to give him credit. He’s come a long way since season 1, and I, for one, appreciate that. 

[emmagineif]

Skeleton

Danny's left hand is shaking. His right isn't really doing much of anything.

Frostbite told him not to do this, that he should just wait until he could get help, but he needs to get out of here. If Skulker comes back… but there's no way he's getting out of here with a broken arm.

He takes a deep breath and grips his forearm, trying to straighten it out, get it as close as possible to where it's supposed to be. It's easier with intangibility, but if he shakes too much…

There's a loud thud several yards away and Danny barely stops himself from jumping. He slides the bone into what he hopes is it's original position, just barely overlapping the jagged edges.

He lets it go.

He doesn't think there's any pain worse than turning tangible halfway through something. It burns, the hottest thing he's ever felt, and he covers it in ice before it can actually burn his skin. His leg still has scars just from the heat.

It's hurts like hell, will until it burns through his nerves, but it's functional. It'll take a hit. It'll throw a punch.

He stands, leaning slightly on a leg whose bones aren't entirely straight, a knob of extra growth visible through his suit. There's a matching ones just like it on his ribs, and, now, in a couple months there'll be one on his arm too.

He's fifteen and already his skeleton looks like it was cobbled together by a child who didn't know how to wipe away the excess glue. Frostbite told him to wait, but he didn't exactly have that option.

With two hands, the he can grip the bars well enough to bend them, and, still barely healing, he makes his escape.  

[emmagineif]

Midnight

Danny has been awake for almost 3 days.

He doesn't know what's wrong. He's exhausted, his head hurts, and he's been fantasizing about his pillows since 6 in the morning and it's now… midnight.

His eyes slide shut because it takes too much energy to keep them open. They burn, though, and his headache gets worse, even though he's pretty sure that having his eyes open for this long is the reason he's hurting in the first place.

He's cold.

He needs another blanket, but blankets are in the closet and that means getting up, so he lies there, waiting for his body heat to warm him up.

He gets up when he starts shivering.

He lies back down.

His eyes hurt worse now when he closes them, and he feels more awake than he did when he was laying there shivering, but he's still exhausted. His body feels so heavy, and he just wants to go to sleep.

Ten minutes later he opens his eyes.

12:23 blinks back at him. His eyes start to water when he closes them. His chest hurts, and it isn't even from his bruised ribs. He doesn't have the energy to do anything about it.

Five minutes later, when his cheek is wet from his pillow, his eyes stop hurting. He's still awake.

He doesn't know what's wrong with him. His brain is barely even forming thoughts, but he isn't asleep. He's right on the edge, dozing, watching the clock tick forward until he loses his chance and he has to get up again. It's as if he's been fighting it off for so long that, now he has the chance, he just can't. Even though every muscle in his body is relaxed, every fiber of his being screaming at him to fall asleep.

Maybe he could if his body would just shut up about it.

The thing about exhaustion is, at some point, he should just run out of energy, right? It shouldn't matter what he's doing in his head, because, at some point, his body will just… shut down. Take over. Sleep. But it isn't. Maybe he's not tired enough. Maybe he'll finally pass out at day 5, and that's when he'll get his rest.

Maybe he'll die.

He knows that's got consequences. Knows it's a bit more permanent than the sleep he's craving, but… If it's a choice between being awake forever and dead now? He knows what he'll pick.

Dying feels like such a good idea right now.  He could just… let go. Never have to be awake again. Being awake is terrible. Sleeping is so so nice, and if he could just slip over that edge…

Suicide takes far too much energy. It's much harder than going to get blankets. He's already lying here, ready to go to sleep, so why won't he?

He just needs to stop thinking, just needs to keep his eyes closed and his body relaxed, and if he does that for long enough, he'll drift off, and he'll be asleep.

He tries not to think. It isn't hard; it takes too much energy to follow a train of thought anyways, so he listens to his breathing, focuses on the warmth of the blankets around him, doesn't think about his test tomorrow, or the ghosts that could be out there. He hears a car pass outside his window, and he's pretty sure he can feel his heartbeat, steady and slow.

At 1:32 he opens his eyes.

He wants to scream.

It's supposed to take people, what, twenty minutes to fall asleep? Not an hour. He's so tired. Too tired. That's not the problem. He could handle it if that was the problem. He wouldn’t be so tired, might even be able to think of a solution instead of just lying there, exhausted.

Every second he spends upset just seems to waste more energy, but every second spent trying to sleep is wasted. He's too tired to be angry, but too tired to fight the emotions off either. Maybe if he exhausts himself by crying, he'll just pass out. At this point it's as good a plan as any.

So he cries. And he waits, and at 6:30 his alarm goes off.

He's still awake.