Emmy in Japan

Born in London. Ruined by Japanese food in 2016. Now somehow living in Kobe. What started as “I’ll just visit Japan once” turned into yearly trips, a 6-month internship in Fukuoka, spring break on a fruit farm in Wakayama, JLPT N2 study, and me regularly walking across Osaka in dangerous humidity just to save 500 yen. Current hobbies include hiking around Kansai, getting lost in general, emotional support konbini trips, carrying bags far heavier than necessary, becoming obsessed with random cafés, and confidently boarding the wrong train. When I’m not travelling, I’m figure skating badly, attempting yoga at home with the balance of a collapsing shopping trolley, or binge-watching Japanese dramas on Amazon Prime Video “for studying.”

[emmyinjapan]

I Nearly Melted in Nagoya (But At Least I Got to See the Castle)

Last Friday, I had permission from my language school to miss class for something pretty important—I was heading to Nagoya for the final interview with a travel company.

As someone hoping to build a career in Japan's tourism industry, this wasn't an opportunity I was about to turn down.

Living in Kobe meant I had two options: fork out for the Shinkansen or sacrifice my time instead. Since my bank account wasn't feeling particularly generous, I chose the latter.

So off I went on what was probably the cheapest route possible:

JR Kobe → Maibara → Ogaki → Nagoya.

Three local trains, roughly 3 hours and 20 minutes, and it cost about ¥4,000 one way.

Not exactly the fastest way to travel, but for the price, I couldn't complain. Well... I could, but only after changing trains for the third time.

On the day I headed to a nearby Starbucks for breakfast. Air conditioning has never felt so luxurious. I may have ordered the coffee, but I stayed for the chance to lower my body temperature back to something suitable for human life.

The Interview

Suit on. Blazer on. Smart shoes on.

Confidence... mostly on.

Walking into the office, I actually felt nervous...but calmer than I expected.

Walking out? Absolutely no idea how I'd done.

Cheers, brain.

Whether I get the job or not is another story, but just reaching the final stage feels like an achievement in itself. I'm genuinely thankful for the opportunity, and now it's time to prepare for one final push.

Escaping the Suit

The interview finished, and I immediately made a beeline for the nearest toilet.

Not because I was nervous...

Because there was absolutely no chance I was spending the rest of the day dressed like I was about to attend a business meeting.

It was blazing hot.

Not "it's a lovely summer's day" hot.

More like "why does the air feel like someone's pointing a giant hairdryer directly at my face?" hot.

Off came the blazer.

Off came the smart trousers.

On went the T-shirt, shorts and sandals.

Instantly, life became worth living again.

One thing that did surprise me, though, was my interview shoes. I'd bought a pair of heels especially for the occasion, fully expecting to regret every step.

Somehow...

They were actually comfortable.

As someone who wears heels about as often as it snows in Osaka, this was a pleasant surprise.

Finally Visiting Nagoya Castle

With my new, much more sensible outfit on, there was no way I was letting the heat stop me.

Nagoya Castle had been sitting on my bucket list for years.

I've travelled all over Japan, visited 34 prefectures, passed through Nagoya countless times, changed trains there, grabbed lunch there... and somehow always managed to leave without actually visiting the city's most famous attraction.

Not this time.

Originally built in 1612 by Tokugawa Ieyasu, Nagoya Castle became home to the Owari branch of the Tokugawa family. The original castle keep was sadly destroyed during air raids in 1945, but many areas—including the stunning Honmaru Palace—have since been painstakingly reconstructed.

A Free Tour That Was Actually Worth It

One of the unexpected highlights of the day was joining a free 10-minute guided tour of the castle's bathhouse.

I'll admit, when I saw "bathhouse tour", I wasn't exactly expecting to be fascinated.

Turns out I was wrong. It was build to resemble a sauna.

For something that only lasted ten minutes—and was completely free—it ended up being one of my favourite parts of the visit.

By the time I left, I was sweaty, slightly tuning into Peking duck and had consumed an amount of water that should probably qualify me as part camel.

But I finally did it.

After years of saying, "I'll visit next time," I finally crossed Nagoya Castle off my bucket list only for 500 yen!

Whether or not I end up working in Nagoya remains to be seen.

But if nothing else, the city gave me a memorable interview, a fascinating castle, a surprisingly interesting bathhouse tour... and confirmation that my interview heels are infinitely more comfortable than they have any right to be.

—Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

I Lied… I Did Go Hiking (...trekking) This Summer 🌞🐍

A few weeks ago I confidently declared, "I'm not hiking this summer. It's far too hot."

Well... that aged well.

Despite knowing full well that Japanese summers are basically nature's version of an oven with 100% humidity, I somehow found myself trekking part of the Nakasendō Trail in Shiga Prefecture.

Was it a good idea?

Questionable.

Would I do it again?

Ask me once I've forgotten how much I sweated.

The plan for the day was to visit the historic Samegai-juku (Samegai Post Town) and see the famous Baikamo (water buttercups) that bloom in the crystal-clear streams running through the village.

Since I was staying at my boyfriend's place in Hirakata the night before, I headed to Kashiwabara Station first thing in the morning. It was surprisingly straightforward—JR trains all the way—and after around an hour and a half, I arrived ready to meet everyone.

I joined a Japanese hiking group that usually organises walks around Nagoya, but this hike was perfectly placed about halfway between Kyoto and Nagoya, making it easy enough for people travelling from both directions.

Well... "easy" is a strong word.

The transport was easy.

The weather certainly wasn't.

Within about ten minutes I had accepted that every item of clothing I owned was now permanently attached to my body.

Japan doesn't do "warm."

Japan does "walk into a sauna while carrying a backpack."

The scenery, however, was worth every sweaty step. The old post town felt frozen in time, with traditional buildings, quiet streets and incredibly clear streams flowing alongside the road. The Baikamo flowers gently floated beneath the surface of the icy water, looking almost too delicate to be real.

Then...

We found a snake.

Well...

Not exactly found.

More like...

...walked past a dead one lying on the path.

For a split second I genuinely thought someone had dropped an ebi fry.

Nope.

It was hebi fry.

I'll see myself out.

Thankfully it wasn't alive, because I'm fairly certain my soul would have left my body on the spot.

To be fair, I think my soul had already started packing its bags thanks to the heat anyway.

Japanese summers are absolutely not for the weak.

There were moments where I was convinced I had transcended to another dimension, floating somewhere above the trail watching my physical body continue walking purely out of stubbornness.

Every tiny patch of shade became a luxury resort.

Every vending machine was a holy shrine.

Every cold drink tasted like it had been blessed by the gods.

Despite the heat, it was one of those days that reminded me why I love hiking in Japan. Historic trails, beautiful countryside, tiny villages, crystal-clear rivers and a group of people equally mad enough to be hiking in 35°C weather.

Next time someone asks if I'm hiking in summer...

I'll probably still say no.

And I'll probably be lying again.

-Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

A Peaceful Morning at Kyoden-ike Ryokuchi Park 🐟🌸

On Saturday, we also visited Kyoden-ike Ryokuchi Park (市民の森 鏡伝池緑地) to see the hydrangeas. Unfortunately, I completely forgot to take any photos of the hydrangeas themselves, which rather defeats the purpose of a flower-viewing trip! Instead, I somehow became distracted by the beautiful pond and ended up taking photos of that instead.

The pond was filled with grey koi, though I did spot two or three orange ones PLUS turtles swimming amongst them. Around the water were all sorts of flowers and plants, many with fascinating names that were displayed on signs. I spent quite a while reading them, partly out of interest and partly because it felt like accidental Japanese vocabulary practice. Every few steps there seemed to be another flower I'd never heard of before.

The park itself was incredibly peaceful, with plenty of greenery and quiet corners to sit and relax. There was also a small free exhibition room where visitors could admire flowers and learn more about the local plant life. While exploring, I noticed a questionnaire on a table and decided to challenge myself by filling it out in Japanese. After managing to complete it without causing any international incidents, I've officially decided that I passed. 😂🌿🐟🇯🇵✨

-Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

Friday Night's Dinner 🍚🐟

I completely forgot the name of the teishoku restaurant, but for just ¥750, this meal was an absolute bargain. Crispy fried fish, rice, pickles, and a fantastic miso soup that tasted far more expensive than the price suggested. Japan never ceases to amaze me with how good and affordable set meals can be!

Saturday Morning's Breakfast ☕🍞

For breakfast on Saturday, we visited a café in Kuzuha, and I have to say, it was a lovely start to the day. The soup was rich and comforting, and the pistachio scones were absolutely delicious. Unfortunately, I forgot to take a photo of either of them because they were so good they had already disappeared into my stomach before I remembered! 😂

My actual breakfast was a simple toast and egg set, which was equally satisfying and paired perfectly with a morning coffee. Sometimes the simplest breakfasts are the best ones. 😊🍞☕🥚

-Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

Higashi-Ishikiri Park Observatory (東石切公園展望台)

After finding our final Pokémon manhole cover of the day, Elekid & Mawile, at Higashi-Ishikiri Park Observatory (東石切公園展望台), we were rewarded with this incredible view over Osaka. By this point, we were hot, tired, and questioning our life choices after hours of hunting Poké Lids in 30°C+ heat, but seeing the city stretched out below us made the climb completely worth it. A perfect way to end the day's adventure! ☀️⛰️📸✨

-Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

Chasing Pokémon in Osaka's Summer Furnace

This weekend I spent time with my boyfriend, and on Sunday we met up with one of his friends who had come down from Ise to visit. As a huge Pokémon fan, I've spotted plenty of Pokémon manhole covers over the years purely by chance, but I'd never actually gone on a proper hunt for them before. So naturally, we decided to spend the day searching for them around Osaka in 30°C+ heat. By the halfway point, I was fairly certain I was going to evaporate on the pavement and become part of Osaka's infrastructure, but somehow we survived and managed to find these four fantastic covers. Was it worth melting for? Absolutely.

Location: Higashiosaka, Osaka

Raikou – Hanazono Central Park

Yamper & Togedemaru – Hanazono Central Park

Klink & Klang – Near the Lawson convenience store

Elekid & Mawile – Higashi-Ishikiri Park Observatory

There are actually five Pokémon manhole covers dotted around Higashiosaka, but we only hunted down four. The last one was a little out of the way, and with our next destination being Ikoma, we decided to leave it for another day. Given the 30°C+ heat and humidity that made breathing feel like drinking warm soup, I think future me will appreciate that decision!

-Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

Pokémon Manhole Cover! in Wakayama City!

During my 2-week internship on a fruit farm in Wakayama, one of my colleagues was kind enough to take me sightseeing around Wakayama City, which was about an hour away from the farm.

And look what I found — a Pokémon manhole cover!

Featuring Luxray & Primarina. Honestly, finding these around Japan feels like a side quest at this point.

—Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

Kobe Flowers Give Me Emotional Support

Right outside my apartment there’s a bush covered in these pretty flowers. I still have absolutely no idea what they’re called, but they’re ridiculously cute and I love them.

Every time I leave the house looking exhausted and half-awake, they’re just sitting there being cheerful and minding their own business. Honestly, they’re carrying the mood of the entire street.

—Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

My Wallet Won, My Body Lost...

Last, last weekend after school, I made the questionable life decision to do a long, sweaty pilgrimage across Kansai just to save a few hundred yen.

The plan sounded smart in my head. Instead of paying over 1000 yen to go all the way to meet my boyfriend for dinner, I decided to take the cheaper route. From Sannomiya Station, I hopped on the Hankyu line to Juso, changed trains for Takatsuki, and then — because apparently I enjoy suffering — walked 1.5 hours to Hirakata Station for dinner.

Now, I love walking. I genuinely do. Peaceful strolls, nature walks, hiking trails — fantastic. But marching through Osaka in blazing heat and soup-like humidity while carrying a massive overnight bag full of textbooks, homework, and a laptop? That stopped being a “cute little walk” after about twelve minutes.

By the halfway point, I was drenched to a level that should honestly qualify as a natural disaster warning. My backpack felt like it contained several bricks and perhaps a small refrigerator. Every convenience store I passed became a spiritual checkpoint.

Still, I survived. Barely.

The reward at the end was dinner with my boyfriend, which successfully resurrected me from the mental grave I had peacefully entered somewhere around Takatsuki.

The truly concerning part is that I’m attempting this route again this week — except this time I’m walking even further. The new route is about two hours from Takatsuki Station. Financially, it makes sense. The trip only costs around 410 yen if I do the walking part, compared to over 1000 yen by train.

Physically? Spiritually? Emotionally?

We’ll see.

P.S. The view across Hirakata Bridge looked amazing that day!

—Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

Sunset in Hirakata, Osaka

Look at that sky… purple, pink, orange — honestly Japan didn’t need to go this hard for a random evening in Hirakata.

It was one of those sunsets that makes everyone suddenly stop walking for a second like NPCs gaining consciousness.

After a humid day where the air felt like hot soup, there was finally a little breeze during sunset. The kind that arrives dramatically as if nature itself is apologising for earlier.

And for a few minutes, everything just felt soft.

I really love moments like this. Tiny unexpected bits of beauty that appear out of nowhere between normal life. No big event, no special occasion — just the sky casually putting on a masterpiece for free.

Very generous considering the emotional damage summer humidity causes.

Anyway, the wind stopped me feeling like a microwaved dumpling, so overall a successful evening.

—Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

Blue Flowers Outside Osaka Station

I took these photos of these really pretty blue flowers outside Osaka Station when I went to do an exam. At the time I just thought, “Wow, cute flowers.” Little did I know I was about to enter my emotional growth era.

Recently I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting about life. Dangerous activity, honestly. Would not recommend after 10pm.

Anyway, I realised something slightly embarrassing about myself.

The other morning, my boyfriend left for work before I woke up. I rolled out of bed looking like a Victorian orphan ready for my online lesson, and discovered he had prepared an entire tea setup for me.

Cup? Ready. Saucer? Present. Spoon? Included. Kettle? Filled with water already.

He had even done my laundry and folded my clothes neatly.

And for some reason, THIS nearly took me out emotionally.

Now listen — some people dream of luxury handbags or candlelit proposals. Apparently my brain sees a pre-filled kettle and goes, “This. This is the peak of romance.”

I genuinely had to sit there and think: “Why do I suddenly feel like a Disney princess?”

So naturally, I Googled it.

That’s when I came across the five love languages and suddenly my entire existence made sense. Words are nice. Gifts are lovely. Quality time and physical touch? Great, fantastic, love that.

But acts of service?

Oh. OH.

You’re telling me all this time the way to my heart was… basic household efficiency?

Apparently yes.

Because honestly, those little thoughtful things make me ridiculously happy. It’s not even about the tea itself. It’s the fact he thought ahead to make my morning easier before leaving for work. That tiny bit of effort somehow feels more romantic to me than someone writing poetry under a balcony.

Also — and I cannot stress this enough — his house is actually CLEAN..

Proper clean.

Things are organised. Surfaces exist. The bathroom doesn’t look like a crime scene. Somehow this man has functioning storage systems. I didn’t even know that was possible.

At this point, if a man folds my laundry correctly AND vacuums everyday, I fear I may legally have to marry him.

Anyway, here are the blue flowers that witnessed my emotional breakthrough outside Osaka Station.

-Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

A Tiny Bit of Autumn Refused to Leave Omihachiman, Shiga.

During Golden Week, my boyfriend, his mum, and I travelled to Omihachiman. We took the ropeway up to the Hachimanyama Castle Ruins viewing platform to see the scenery, and while we were up there we spotted something really strange but beautiful — one tree still had bright red autumn leaves, even though it’s already May.

Surrounded by fresh green spring leaves, it stood out completely from all the others. It honestly looked like the tree had forgotten what season it was… but somehow made the whole view even prettier.

—Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

It has been a while....

So… my last blog post was on the 11th of February. And somehow it is already May. HOW?

The past few months have been an absolute whirlwind of activities, stress, travelling, studying, and surprisingly… actual adult life progress.

First of all — I started dating a really lovely man I met through a hiking group here in Japan.

Then, as a backup plan in case the JLPT N2 destroys my confidence in July, I took the JFT exam… and passed it very easily, which was reassuring. At least future me now has one less thing to panic about at 2am.

At the end of March into April, I also completed a two-week internship at a fruit farm in Wakayama called Kannonyama Fruit Farm. It was my second internship in Japan and honestly such an amazing experience overall.

That being said… as someone with anxiety, starting new things is always difficult for me. Especially when those new things involve living in a shared house in the middle of nowhere with people I’ve never met before. My brain always prepares for the absolute worst-case scenario. But thankfully, it ended up being a really positive experience, and I’m glad I pushed myself to do it.

After that, school started again — and somehow I ended up in the top class at school now. Which means there’s less pressure about passing or failing the end-of-term tests because I literally cannot move any higher or lower. So for once, I can panic slightly less.

Then Golden Week arrived, and my boyfriend’s mum came to visit Japan, so we spent the holidays travelling around together. We even went to Shiga Prefecture, which was really lovely. Lots of sightseeing, far too much food, endless walking around, and eating so much that I’m fairly certain I returned from Golden Week approximately 12% more rice than human.

Now that May has arrived though, reality has hit again.

I’m going to be incredibly busy with end-of-term assignments, exams, and of course… the approaching doom known as the JLPT N2.

At the moment, I’m cramming as much as possible, with kanji readings being my main weakness. Sometimes I know exactly what a kanji means, but when it comes to reading it aloud my brain simply exits the chat. So I really need to focus hard on reading practice over the next couple of months.

I also have a JLPT N2 mock test on the 25th of this month, which will either boost my confidence or send me dramatically spiralling into a convenience store dessert binge.

Looking ahead to June, I’ll probably start discussing extending my student visa with my school. At the same time, I’ll begin properly looking for work while waiting for my JLPT results.

And if I fail N2? Well… I’ll just retake it in December and keep going.

That’s life, really.

Anyway — hopefully it won’t take me another three months to write the next blog post.

—Emmy

P.S. The photos from Kannonyama were taken during my lunch break. I climbed up the hill to enjoy the view on a lovely sunny day… and then immediately speed-walked back to the office after spotting a snake. Nature is beautiful from a safe distance.

[emmyinjapan]

若草山焼き（Wakakusayama Yamayaki）

On the 24th of January, which somehow already feels like a lifetime ago, I went back to Nara for 若草山焼き（Wakakusayama Yamayaki） and a little wander around the city.

The Yamayaki is a traditional festival held every year on Mount Wakakusa in Nara. It dates back hundreds of years (records suggest the 18th century), and like many old traditions, no one is entirely sure how it started — which I personally love.

One theory says it began as a boundary dispute between the temples Todai-ji and Kofuku-ji that escalated to someone essentially saying, “Fine. Burn the hill.” Another theory suggests it was to scare away wild boars or control the grass. Either way, centuries later we all gather politely to watch a mountain be set on fire. Civilisation is fascinating.

During the day there are ceremonial rituals carried out by priests, traditional performances, and a gentle build-up of excitement. Around Nara Park, people start claiming their viewing spots with the seriousness of Olympic athletes. Picnic sheets go down. Cameras are assembled. Tripods appear like metallic mushrooms.

We found what we thought was a brilliant spot.

And then we waited.

For two hours.

In January.

In Nara.

It was the kind of cold that doesn’t just nip at your fingers — it seeps into your bones and rearranges your personality. I genuinely considered whether my toes were still legally attached to my body. Every time someone said, “It’ll start soon,” it felt like emotional sabotage.

I went through all five stages of grief:

Denial – “It’s not that cold.”

Anger – “Why did we come so early?”

Bargaining – “If it starts in the next five minutes I’ll never complain about winter again.”

Depression – silent staring into the void.

Acceptance – I live here now. This is my mountain.

But finally — fireworks.

Bright bursts cracked across the sky, lighting up the freezing crowd. And then the moment came.

The hillside of Mount Wakakusa was set alight.

The bonfires spread in glowing clusters across the dark slope, looking almost like colourful broccoli scattered over the mountain. Flames rolled downward in waves of orange and red, dramatic and strangely beautiful against the winter night. From a distance it looked fierce — but controlled, ceremonial, purposeful.

And suddenly, I forgot about my frozen limbs.

There’s something slightly absurd yet magical about standing in the cold with hundreds of strangers, voluntarily watching a mountain burn as part of a centuries-old tradition. It feels very Japanese — organised, historical, spectacular… and mildly extreme.

— Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

Early Blossoms on Kabuto-san

Kabuto-san has become one of my favourite hikes — partly because it’s genuinely beautiful, and partly because it doesn’t try to kill me on the way up. The kind of mountain where you can feel outdoorsy without questioning your life choices halfway through.

This time, I was greeted by plum blossoms already blooming — a bit too early, really. Nature jumping the gun again. I stood there thinking, “Aren’t you lot supposed to wait a few weeks?” But rules aside, they were absolutely lovely. Soft pinks and whites against the chilly air — delicate, slightly rebellious, and impossible not to smile at.

Walking through them got me reflecting on the past year (dangerous, I know — hiking and thinking is a risky combination). One thing I’ve come to understand clearly is that ending my last relationship was the right decision. He was emotionally absent, disengaged, and I often felt like I was running the entire relationship solo — manager, coordinator, emotional support department, the lot. Exhausting, frankly.

At the time you convince yourself it’s normal, or fixable, or just “one of those things”. But distance gives perspective. You realise how heavy it felt to carry something that should have been shared.

Since then, meeting someone kind has been… refreshing. Someone who messages. Checks in. Pays attention. Makes an effort. Bare minimum human decency shouldn’t feel revolutionary, yet here we are — pleasantly surprised. It turns out being treated thoughtfully is quite nice. Who knew.

Standing on Kabuto-san, surrounded by blossoms that couldn’t wait their turn, it struck me that growth doesn’t follow tidy schedules either. Sometimes things bloom early. Sometimes you leave things behind. Sometimes you realise you’re lighter than you were before — emotionally and, thanks to hiking, perhaps slightly physically too.

Either way, I walked down feeling warm, content, and quietly hopeful. And also ready for lunch, because reflection is all well and good, but it does make you hungry.

— Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

A January Hike at the Border of Osaka and Nara

This was a hike I did on the 18th of January. I joined a new hiking group in the area, not quite knowing what to expect, but open to trying something different. That day, we hiked two summits of Mount Nijō — Ō-dake and Me-dake — which sit right on the border between Osaka and Nara.

The climb itself was steady and quiet, the kind that gives you time to think without forcing it. On the way down, we passed by a beautiful lake, almost hidden away, calm and still. It felt like the sort of place you naturally slow down for, even without meaning to.

When the weather is good like that, breathing feels different. I don’t really know how to explain it properly, but it felt lighter — as if each breath was refreshing my soul. The air was clean and crisp, and breathing came easily, without effort. I’m not great at describing moments like this, but standing there, surrounded by nature, it felt simple and honest in a way everyday life often isn’t.

これは1月18日に行ったハイキングの記録です。近くの新しいハイキンググループに参加しました。正直、どんな雰囲気なのか分からないままの参加でしたが、何か新しいことを試してみようと思いました。その日は、二上山の2つの山頂――雄岳（おだけ）と雌岳（めだけ）――を登りました。ここは大阪と奈良の県境に位置しています。

登りは穏やかで、無理のないペースでした。考えごとをしてもいいし、何も考えなくてもいい、そんな静かな時間でした。下山の途中で、とても美しい湖のそばを通りました。ひっそりと佇むような場所で、自然と足取りがゆっくりになるような、不思議な落ち着きがありました。

天気が良いと、呼吸の感覚まで変わる気がします。うまく言葉にできないのですが、一息一息が軽くて、まるで心まで洗われるようでした。澄んだ空気の中では、呼吸をすること自体がとても自然で、苦しさもなく、ただ楽でした。表現は少し不器用かもしれませんが、自然に囲まれて立っているその瞬間は、日常よりもずっと素直で、正直な時間だったように思います。

―Emmy

[emmyinjapan]

Trekking through the abandoned rail tunnels in Hyogo....

During my trek and hike to Mount Omine, we had to pass through three abandoned train tunnels. It was my first time doing something like that, and using my mini torch, I was surprised by how bright such a small thing could be.

It hasn’t been that long since this hike — literally just a week has passed — but I already feel a little refreshed and free. A year ago, I would never have imagined myself trekking or hiking, yet here I am. In a quiet way, it made me feel alive.

A year ago, I learned what disappointment truly feels like in another human being. Not betrayal or hatred, but the kind of disappointment that cuts so deeply that all the hope, faith, effort, and time you invested feel wasted. After that, I felt numb for a long time. Throughout the year, I played my role — a façade held together by routine — while carrying a sense of emptiness beneath it all. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to experience anything genuinely.

Recently, though, I’ve met someone who feels like a warm soul. Being around that warmth and quiet happiness has reminded me of what genuine feelings are like, and in doing so, has helped me remember a part of myself I thought I had lost.

大峰山へのトレッキングとハイキングの途中で、私たちは廃線となった古い鉄道トンネルを3つ通りました。こうした体験は初めてで、ミニ懐中電灯を使いながら、その小ささとは思えないほど明るく照らしてくれることに驚きました。

このハイキングからまだそれほど時間は経っていません。文字どおり、まだ1週間しか経っていないのに、少し気持ちがリフレッシュされ、自由になったように感じています。1年前の自分なら、トレッキングやハイキングをしているなんて想像もしていなかったと思います。それでも今、静かに「生きている」と感じることができました。

1年前、私は人に対する本当の「失望」というものを知りました。それは裏切りや憎しみではなく、希望や信頼、努力や時間のすべてが無駄だったと感じてしまうほど、深く心に残る失望でした。その後、私は長い間、感情が麻痺したような状態で過ごしていました。この1年、日常をこなすために自分の役割を演じ続け、内側には空虚さを抱えたまま過ごしていたように思います。本当の感情がどんなものだったのか、ほとんど忘れてしまっていました。

けれど最近、温かい心を持つ人に出会いました。その穏やかな温もりと、ふとした幸せの感覚が、本物の感情を思い出させてくれました。そして、失ったと思っていた自分の一部を、少しずつ取り戻しているように感じています。

—Emmy