In Which I Bitch Like an Emo 12 Year Old

@emo-fuck

84 posts

I wrote an angsty post on my main blog and then deleted it because I didn’t want anyone to know that I was feeling shitty. I felt like I needed attention (and I probably do) but I don’t want to get it in that way anymore.

Does that mean I’m all better?

beautifultropical-fish

Good days terrify me because nothing good can last forever.

everything is temporary, especially happiness. (via beautifultropical-fish)

i was right.

(via beautifultropical-fish)

I feel nauseous because now I have no excuse. Now I have to let you go.

Barely slept. Been so off all day. Feel trapped here. Feel trapped on the road. I just want this trip to be over. I am so tired. This is the worst/longest anxiety attack I have had in over a year and a half. I don’t like feeling this way.

The festival was cancelled today due to weather. I was relieved.

Two days of my road trip have been cancelled due to miscommunication. I was relieved.

I cannot wait to get off the road and into my own bed and to stop feeling like this. Like I don’t fit inside my own skin. Like there’s something wrong inside of me.

I’m angry at people who have done nothing wrong. I’m taking my sadness out on people who it has nothing to do with. I just feel stuck and like I can’t breathe, like there is a pile of bricks on my chest.

I can’t wait to be off the road because I am certain (and I hope I’m right) that everything will feel better when this is all over. That’s not to say this trip hasn’t been incredible. It certainly has been. It’s just been way too long.

I haven’t moved off this couch all day and that makes me feel even worse. Part of me hates that I’m stuck in New Orleans another night. I feel like I need to just power through with what is still planned just so I can know that I did it.

I wish I could stop crying. Especially because I don’t even know why I’m crying. Like there is nothing specific making me so upset, nothing that I can fix. I am just so unhappy right now. So scared. So tired. So trapped. I don’t know how to help myself.

I hate feeling like I can't leave you behind but knowing I can't move forward with you.

Why is everything sucking so fucking hard lately? Probably because I'm exhausted. And not just tired, like I need a good night's sleep, but actually completely and thoroughly physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I don't have enough energy to push back and fight away the bad thoughts so they're just tumbling in. I deleted the tumblr app yesterday. It lasted about six hours but it was something. Just have to keep fighting one more week and then I have to get my life, a new life, in order.

WHY AM I SO EASY TO GIVE UP?

#first ben #now chris

I miss you so much and I hate that I can't tell you.

What even is this shit right now though??? Gotta detach because anything else beyond this point will hurt more than I'd like to hurt again anytime soon. Honestly, it's not even worth it. He is, but the situation isn't. I don't even know if I actually like him or what because I've gotten so lost in my own head. It's hard to tell what's real and what I'm making up because, news flash, I'm crazy.

It's 2am and I am a big ball of angst and I cannot sleep and this is awful.

I'm okay, I think. I'm pretty sure I'm okay. I'm just so upset because this friendship that has meant so much to me for the past few years has reached a critical point. Things haven't been good for months now and I've finally had enough of it. I can't keep doing this to myself. I know how I am with friendships. I need all or nothing. Maybe that makes me a bad friend, a bad investment. I don't know. But it's how I am and I've tried to change but it only makes me resent these people even more in the long run.

I need all or nothing and that's that. I can't keep making someone a priority if they don't make me one. I've tried not to, but they're always still so important to me and I still want to share my life with them. But how is it fair for me to let them in - practically beg them to want to be let in - when they couldn't care less if I give a shit about them or not.

I wish I could sleep but I'm wide awake thinking about (dreading) the impending conversation. It's going to be an ultimatum. I know those are the worst but I truly can't think of what else to do at this point. I have been an afterthought for far too long. A change needs to be made here.

I need all or nothing. And I'm sure you're going to pick nothing.

Birthdays are super important to me.

What I am doing right at midnight when it becomes my birthday is super important to me.

I wanted to go out tonight with my friends so I could be at a chill bar and take a shot of something right at midnight.

But everyone is too tired, too high, too busy to go out tonight even though we've been talking about it for weeks.

I think I'm going to go for a midnight walk alone because the moment I turn 21 I want to be doing something more than sitting in bed, eating ice cream and watching Game of Thrones.

There have been four or five murders of foreign students in the past few months, one right across the bridge from my apartment, and yet I'd rather wander the city streets alone at 2:00 in the morning than be stuck in my apartment with these people.

There is definitely something wrong here.

Reading the few posts I wrote about having great friends in Australia makes me really sad because I feel like it's even worse over here.

I don't know what's wrong with me that makes people dislike me so much.

Alex hates me and I'm not sure what I ever did to her. But if tonight's blow up was any indication, she's been thinking all of those things for awhile.

And now I have to live with her for another two and a half months. And of course Rachel and Alex are tight as fuck, so there goes that friendship. And Katie is always hit or miss. It depends on her mood or the time of day. And the boys are all assholes. Except that they're actually nice deep down, but I know I'm going to become a burden to them soon too.

How did this happen?

I'm in Australia and I'm having a pretty horrible time and I just want to go home. How sad is it that I'd rather go home to the shitty friends who don't want me around than stay here?

I know it must be something I'm doing to myself but I can't figure out what it is. I'm finally content with life. I'm not sad anymore. I can almost always keep my anxiety in check, as exhausting as it is.

I can identify all of my flaws and it's all of the things I hated in people in high school. How is my maturity regressing? How can I be less than two weeks away from 21, wishing I could go back to how rational and mature I was at 17?

Australia was supposed to be where I started over and yet I somehow managed to fuck myself over worse here than anywhere ever before.

God, I suck.

What if this actually becomes a really solid group of friends and it makes all of my paranoia go away?

No longer being a priority is probably the worst phase of a friendship.

I don't know what hurts more: staying friends and pretending we're something we're not or just cutting each other off here and now.

Is it sad that when someone asks me who my friends are, no one immediately comes to mind?

#friends #sad #personal

In Which I Bitch Like an Emo 12 Year Old @emo-fuck - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag