Untitled

[emotxonallyproxessing]

Aren’t people usually happy to move into a new space? Start new? Unleash their creativity with this new place they’ll call home; I don’t feel like that, I feel dread and anxiety going to a new place, knowing I’m starting over. The only good thing about this new chapter in my life is, sharing it with my girlfriend. But starting this new chapter without my four legged baby is what’s killing me, he was supposed to be on this journey with me, he was supposed to finally be free to roam around in a place that was all his, sleep where ever he wants to sleep, go where ever he wants to go. It feels so wrong starting this new chapter without him, and knowing he will never be a part of any of this. I will never hear his little nails pitter patter down the wooden floor boards, or hear him scratch at the bathroom door because he wants to get in with me, I’ll never see his tail wagging when I come through the door; that’s all I can think of as my moving date approaches, my body can feel it. All I feel is this heaviness, this dreadful feeling, my stomach hurts all the time and I’m nauseous everyday; I’m literally sick to my stomach with this move, I’m so tired to the point I don’t want to do anything but sleep. I just miss my baby, that’s all.

[emotxonallyproxessing]

What does it mean when your partner tells you that they’re just coexisting with you, that it doesn’t feel like we’re in a relationship; that all the struggles we’ve been through are just that, and we’re just being supportive of each other. Isn’t that what a healthy relationship is? Being there for one another, help each other process our emotions with no judgment? Aren’t we supposed to be coexisting with each other? Learning how to live together because you want to spend life together? I don’t understand what they meant by that, or how to take it; this whole time I thought this was what a healthy relationship entailed, no screaming, no hating each other and being completely in love with each other. But they say they feel love for me but that they aren’t in love with me… what does that even mean? Am I just here because you feel pity for me and don’t actually want something with me? Am I just convenient for you?

Or do I just not really know what a healthy relationship entailed? Did all the damage from the past obstruct my vision on what healthy really is? Or am I just that naive and dimwitted to even realize that what I’m in right now doesn’t even resemble a relationship, but instead it’s just a pure fantasy of mine, because I’ve been depraved of genuine love or even interest. Have I confused this whole situation with healthy, or are they just stuck with their feelings about me while I’m over the moon about them. Has this always been one sided on both sides if that even makes sense.

I still don’t know what it means, or if I’ll ever fully grasp the meaning behind their comment. I don’t know if I should follow through with living with them; regardless I love them, I’m in love with them and I want to live the rest of my life with them. I just don’t know if they feel or even want the same as me, and I don’t know if I ever will.

[emotxonallyproxessing]

Nobody prepares you, for when you lose a pet you’ve had for over 10yrs

They don’t tell you how much it’ll hurt

Or how empty you’ll feel

You’ve always know that, that time will come

But even when it does, it hits you like a truck

You start to feel like you don’t have a purpose

Like you only lived for them

They were your whole world

And now that’s gone

You walk around aimlessly,

Not knowing what to do or where to go

Your home is quieter

Your bed is colder

And everywhere you look you see them

Everything you do reminds you of them

And then a month passes by

Then two

And nothing is the same

You’ll think you’re done grieving

And you find yourself crying like you cried the first time

And now you have to start over again

But you don’t want to

You don’t know how to

You just want them back….

[emotxonallyproxessing]

I sit here and wonder if I’m worthy of love, if I’m worthy enough to be here.

I sit here and wonder if I belong here, if this feeling ever goes away.