disconsolate oddball farceur

poetry/writing side blog, yadda yadda.

[emphasiskills]

what do I call this feeling?

a novel sort of naked --

a nerve laid bare by

the tentative archaeology

of treasuring you

I remember trembling

a beautiful new flavour

of aching

this could kill me,

and it would still be a privilege.

[emphasiskills]

I hunt you

as tenderly

as passion permits

never too close

my devotion

has become

a law of physics 

this is nothing frivolous

you cannot know

what i swore

to the tides

gibbous lunatic

doomed to ecstatic

celestial motion

ardent apostle

of an oblivious

goddess

never waning

I will always

orbit you

[emphasiskills]

speaking for the meek

we're considering Jesus

in breach of contract

[emphasiskills]

you are an opiate

you are a human

I love you more

than I want you

I care

more than I covet 

that dopamine rush

i know because my throat 

finally stopped choking

back the warning:

run, lover

this heaven 

is condemned

this ambrosia 

can only 

corrode 

us both

[emphasiskills]

this summer

I remembered 

how to walk the earth again

what a claustrophobic thing 

it was 

to live indoors

the soles of my feet sing

tickled by greenery 

I pick a dandelion leaf and eat it

recently 

I've been trying to decide

who I want to be 

when I die

 

I'm thirty five 

and beginning to wonder 

whether I'll ever

be certain 

I have always felt 

less real

than everything around me 

kneeling helps

[emphasiskills]

thanatophobia

stop the clock

its response will always

be warning

(tick, tock,

rictus and rot,

oblivion is four

minutes closer)

dispose of that

memento mori

before the omens

own you

[emphasiskills]

at last

my mirror has learned

discernment

developed

the blurred mercy

of an Instagram filter

every angle

is suddenly flattering

I cannot distinguish

dysmorphia

from psychotic optimism

or perhaps

it is just

magnanimous glass

then again--

were aesthetics

ever more than

a witness protection programme?

[emphasiskills]

darling, this is

family catharsis

these lesions 

bleed thicker

than water

there is intimacy

implicit

in this

inflicted crimson

truth has little 

jurisdiction

what authority 

can draw distinction

betwixt discipline 

and victim?

this 

stiff upper lip

(split and dripping

inherited red)

testifies:

"I tripped."

[emphasiskills]

the oracle 

only processes 

monochrome:

 

happenstance duality

the coin toss insists

causality

comes in couplets

double the half

of the absence

dichotomy purloins

colour with 

twinned tunnel vision

pendulum's forked tongue

forecasts polarity

bipartite bargain

fool's gold fortunes

sold to the gullible

and penumbra 

is just a myth 

whispered by coincidence

[emphasiskills]

I marvel

as you answer

every sharp edge

with open hands

fingers resisting

the reflex

to become fists

wrapped around

an olive branch

are you a masochist

or an angel?

hearth is your armour

warmth is impossible

to conquer

mercy makes

a better breastplate

than steel

you have learned

to make a shield

of yielding

there is nothing to

call it

but beautiful

(this one is better right)

[emphasiskills]

body a warzone

torn between

opposing forces

her pulse is

flood and furnace

thunder and flux

inferno and earthquake

skirmish

fissures forming

beneath her feet

she breathes

and it feels

like bleeding

something searing

surges

through her

it hurts

it always hurts

[emphasiskills]

I marvel

as you answer every

sharpened thing

with open hands

are you a masochist

or an angel?

or did someone once

gut you so thoroughly

that there's nothing

of you left

to puncture

[emphasiskills]

lonely ghost falters

prostrate before that

sordid altar again

propelled by momentum,

cognitive dissonance

and the prospect

of withdrawal

opiates court her

cortisol-sodden thrall

always follows

the oroborous

because

those old myopias

are her only touchstones

they are all she knows

[emphasiskills]

I will survive this.

If I'm right,

it was all worth it

to have loved you

so much.

If I'm wrong,

it was all worth it

to have loved you

so much.

(I'm sorry,

I'm so

fucking sorry.)

[emphasiskills]

ample calamity

can be traced back

to a female

who declined to smile

all girls cause chaos

everyone knows

ovaries are proven

to harbour havoc

chromosomes

portent pandemonium

and those breasts

foretell treachery

(better you let

me grope them, then)

recipe for Armageddon:

one more whore

opens her lips

to express an opinion

(that throat has

more appropriate uses)

[emphasiskills]

she wears feathers

in her hair

as if she misplaced

her wings

collects wildflowers

and wilder fortune

fairytales gather

around her ankles

like stray cats

stray cats gather

around her ankles

like fairytales

she wanders

but is never lost

there is earth

beneath her fingernails

but her hands are clean

she was born

with too much horizon

in her blood

and not enough anchor

she will suffer wonder

but never love

[emphasiskills]

he said his name

like a keepsake, a secret

a shared little prayer

of recognition

consecrated

the hollow in my

chest filled with

incense

i let go

of a breath

i didn't know

i was holding

it felt like redemption

the end of a vigil

inevitable

i confess

i nearly knelt

right there