you know what really terrifies me? i don't even know how much my life has already been ruined. i don't know how many things are not worth trying because i am already incapable of them. i wonder sometimes, especially recently, if it's even possible for me to have a fulfilling relationship for so many reasons. like, how could i explain to someone i was dating that, sorry, i kind of just have to leave and go home for four nights even though i don't want to because well i just do and no i can't say no like an adult because well i just fucking can't okay? i feel like they'd just laugh at me and leave me for being so pathetic. literally all i want is to feel safe with someone and feel like i have somewhere to turn when everything else is bad but then they'd be able to leave me just as easily and everything would get just so much fucking worse