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Everyone is worth saving. Every single person. Not from anything they’ve done, or will do, but because they exist, now. They inhale and exhale and their heartbeats. You have to try and save them,and even if you don’t, you have to try. There is no such thing as a lost cause.

[lerabova]

    —   ⁺  𝐃𝐀𝐌𝐋𝐀 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐀𝐑  ,  1994   [ #1555 GIFS ]  UC KURUS  /  damla makar is turkish. please cast accordingly and use appropriately. all of the gifs have been created from scratch by me. to access the gifs please click the source link. do not edit, claim as your own or add into your own hunts! time and effort were spent into making these gifs, a like or a reblog would be much appreciated!

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[forkscult]

the pack aesthetics: embry call [ 4 / ? ]

[meiselr]

He feels (he’s dead), he lives (he’s dead), he loves (he’s dead).

r.m | Excerpts #24 (via ibuzoo)

[emryschuyler]

It's dark. Not because it's comforting, but because it's easier on the eyes. And maybe because Emry enjoys the tiniest bit of cliches. Like he's setting a scene. The times he thought about this, it was always dark. So it has to be dark. Way past sundown, blinds half way closed, only the flickering streetlight in front of his window offering the tiniest amount of cold, white light. He sits on his bed, mind buzzing from alcohol and stuff that was definitely not alcohol but makes him feel light and easy. The edge of his bedframe digs into his thighs uncomfortably. He never noticed it does that. He notices now. 

Kill yourself. 

He looks at the picture of Parker beside his bed and flips it over almost reluctantly. For a while, he wished Parker's face would be the last thing he sees. In fifty, sixty, seventy years maybe when they are both old and grey and still in love and he would look at Parker one last time and everything would be okay. He still wishes it could be that way. But that's not how things are. It's not okay. Not for him. Emry finally did what he promised he wouldn't do. He lied to Parker. He promised him he'd stay alive, told him he didn't really want to die. The first and only thing he ever lied to Parker about and it makes his stomach turn. He promises himself Parker’s lips will be the last thing he thinks off. Maybe that’ll make up for it.

You said you'll keep living for Parker. Would you kill himself if it wasn't for him?

He thinks of Miles for half a second and hates himself for it. A lot. And then a little more for hating himself for it. He hates himself for hating Miles, too. More than he likes to admit. It's easy to blame him and that's why he does. Because if he doesn't blame Miles he can't pretend that this isn't his fault. Blaming Miles means Parker was taken away from him rather than he left. It means Parker loves someone else more rather than just not loving him quite enough. Blaming Miles means none of this is his fault and if he doesn't hate Miles, he has to hate himself more. He doesn't think that's possible. Maybe if he doesn't blame Miles, he has to blame Parker instead. He thinks that's even more impossible.

no wonder he chose miles tbh at least he would have the actual guts to do it instead of just grovelling for pity

The picture of him and Aderyn he flips, too. He almost feels guilty for doing this now. She has her own pain to deal with. She left for a reason and the last thing Emry, as her friend, should do was add to the long list of things in her life that brought her to that decision. But he can't wait any longer. If he wants to wait for the perfect moment, he will have to wait forever and he can't do that either. Right now, waiting for another minute feels like too much. It has to be now. He thinks of her letter, neatly folded in the top drawer of his nightstand. She said she's sorry. At first, he didn't understand what she was sorry for. Now he understands. He's sorry, too.

Is it true that you will kill yourself? 

His eyes are drawn to the picture of his family and he doesn't even bother with turning it around. They won't care. He knows this. They spent years and years making sure of that. For them, he's a problem. A problem that will now solve itself. They didn't bother to visit him in the hospital when he didn't die. He wonders if they'd come to his funeral when he finally does. Of course, they will. All dressed in black designer clothing, fake tears on their faces for when the paparazzi take pictures of them so they look sad on the front page of the newspaper.

You really should just kill yourself. People would be so much better off without you around you fucking waste of space. Either that or grow the fuck up and stop pretending like the whole world is out to get you. 

He can't think of family without thinking of Camila and suddenly he's sad again. He knows she will blame herself for this the way she blames herself for all the other things she can't control. He promised himself not to leave any letters, no notes, no more excuses or explanations. But her, he can't leave just like that. He picks up his phone and types a careful message. His fingers move slowly over the keyboard. There are so many more things he wants to tell her, but he realizes he's buying time. He can't do that. It has to be now. So he presses send.

Kill yourself already.

Before he tosses his phone on the bed, he takes another picture for Instagram. One. Not 35. No picking the one he looks best in. This has to be real. He puts a black and white filter on it and types a long caption. Three sappy paragraphs about how everyone should matter. How everyone does matter. He reads it again and feels like a hypocrite and deletes it all. He changes the filter. Lark. Soft colours instead of black and white. As a caption, he uses the sun emoji. No hashtags.

we all know you're too much of a pussy to commit suicide so why don't you stop begging for attention? it's really not funny.

For half a second maybe, he hesitates. That's when his phone buzzes. Another anonymous message. Another person telling him to kill himself. He should. He really should. He picks up the phone. It's no death threat. It's the hitlist. He sees Parker on top of the list and his heart drops again. But now, there is nothing more he can do. It's out of his control. He sees his own name. Seven votes. He sees the names of the people who vote for him. A kid he doesn't even know. The love of his life. The man the love of his life loves. His sight gets cloudy, his eyes wet with emotion as he finally gets up, phone left on his bed. He notices how dizzy he is and he is content, content with reaching this point of being drunk. Thanks to the past few weeks, getting to this point of drunkness took a conscious effort and made it. Maybe this is his last small victory. He stumbles into the bathroom and doesn't turn on the light. It has to be dark. He places his arm over the sink, runs a finger over it. He feels the bumps of his burn scars, the faint remains of his lightning scars, telltale memories of the scars he had thanks to his father, all between soft skin covered in black ink. There was a time he used to feel so unbreakable. What happened? Life, maybe, he thinks. Sleepless nights. Love. Loss. More loss than love, honestly. He's not unbreakable anymore. Not even breakable. Just broken. So fucking broken. Tears stream down his face and he wonders why. He doesn't even feel sad. He just feels tired. Not just tired of feeling sad, but tired of feeling, period. This will fix things, he thinks. Maybe it won't. But how do you find out if something is hot without touching it? He picks up the blade and almost expects it to be hot, too. But it's not. It's cold against his fingertips, cold where he puts it on his arm, cold where it digs into his skin, cold where it splits his flesh. It hurts. Not the way getting stabbed hurts or the way getting struck by lightning hurts or the way having your heart broken into a million pieces hurts. But it still hurts. He should feel something. Something other than pain. He doesn't even know when he last felt something other than pain. He feels his legs get weak with warm blood spilling over his arm. Maybe it's the alcohol. Maybe it's the blood. Maybe it's a little bit of both. It's probably both. He's breathing hard now. His body is trying to fight this and he is fighting his body. He wants to let this happen, but his reptilian brain doesn't understand. It doesn't have to understand. It doesn't really get to understand. His blood is spilling faster than his hazy thoughts can follow. He looks into the mirror, struggling for breath, burning, aching arm still hanging over the sink. His mind gets cloudier. This is the blood. It's not the alcohol. It's definitely the blood. And it stops hurting. For the first time in days and weeks and maybe months or years it doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts. His pupils are blown, colour drained from his face. He looks tired. He feels tired, too. His body is getting heavier and his hand digs into the sink for support. He’s shaking. Too hard to hold on to the sink. Too hard to hold on. And he slips off. Or maybe he lets go.

just kill yourself already.

[emryschuyler]

no wonder he chose miles tbh at least he would have the actual guts to do it instead of just grovelling for pity

[emryschuyler]

we all know you're too much of a pussy to commit suicide so why don't you stop begging for attention? it's really not funny.

[emryschuyler]

You really should just kill yourself. People would be so much better off without you around you fucking waste of space. Either that or grow the fuck up and stop pretending like the whole world is out to get you.

[emryschuyler]

You said you'll keep living for Parker. Would you kill himself if it wasn't for him?

[emryschuyler]

kill yourself already

[emryschuyler]

Is it true that you will kill yourself?

[emryschuyler]

just kill yourself already.

[emryschuyler]

parkerjamcs:

Parker stared at their hands, making no effort to pull away from the way Emry was stroking him with his thumbs. “You hurt me by keeping this a secret,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Just how long did you think you’d be able to keep that from me? Or were you planning to never tell me? I…” He looked up at the ceiling in an attempt to stop any fresh tears. “I miss him, Emry,” he whispered, looking back at him. “I miss him so much. I think about him every single day, he was…so important to me and…your brother took him away–just like that. I…” He swallowed thickly. “I don’t think there’s anything you can do to make up for this. I’m not even sure if I can forgive you. My best friend is dead because of you.”

Emry squeezed Parker's hands lightly, trying to resist the urge to wipe away his tears and hug him. “Parker, please. You don’t understand. I couldn’t tell you. No matter how much I wanted to.” When Parker looked back at him, Emry’s heart broke all over again. He saw the tears on his face, the pain in his eyes. He did this. This was his fault. It might have been Ezra who made sure Hunter died, but this was Emry's fault for keeping it a secret. “What does that mean?”, he asked, a deep frown settling on his face, heartbeat picking up with fear. “You want me out of your life?", he managed finally, the seconds until Parker answered stretching out like hours.

[emryschuyler]

parkerjamcs:

There was a shiver that went down Parker’s spine, breathless from the way Emry was kissing him. His cheeks were warm, turning slightly pink as his eyes locked with the other. “I…a-are you sure?” he asked, but he didn’t pull away. Instead, he was placing gentle kisses and nips down Emry’s neck and collarbone, his skin practically on fire. “I-it’s just…I came with Miles,” he said in between marking him, unable to stop. “I can’t be long, babe…”

The moment their eyes met, Emry couldn't help but notice how beautiful Parker looked like this. He always was handsome, but this was how he liked him best, blushing, hair a little messy. He was perfect. “I'm sure. I don't care,” Emry said almost embarrassingly quick, still breathless from kissing him. He didn't care. He had allowed Miles to ruin his life, to ruin the one good thing he had. He wouldn't allow him to ruin this moment too. “Stay as long as you can? Ten minutes, five minutes,” he managed to say somehow while Parker’s lips were trailing down his neck. His hand found its way to the back of Parker’s hand, carding through his soft brown hair and tugging at it lightly. “Just... stay,” he said finally, words barely more than a whisper as he kissed him softly.

[emryschuyler]

camilamcrales:

Camila watched Emry carefully, trying to figure out what she could possibly do to make this whole thing a little less infuriating for him. She could definitely understand that the whole barn dance stabbing was something that wasn’t easy to swallow. At least several students had made sure she knew just that. “ Oh, come on, Emry. You knew just as well as anyone that you should never piss off a nurse. No matter how angry or upset you are. ” She said with a gentle smile. It was a nice change, someone who actually treated her like a human being. “ Hey. ” She noted how his features fell when she told him about Elena. “ She’s trying, okay? I promise. ” She wasn’t sure whether Elena even wanted to come back, but even when Camila made it clear that the woman’s little brother could really use her there, she wasn’t able to cancel the conference thing. And Camila believed her. After all, she wanted to believe in the best side of her friend. Yet, she also wanted to help her friend’s little brother. “ But, if there’s anything I can do to get that smile back on your face, let me know, okay? ”

“Yeah, yeah. I know,” he admitted, rolling his eyes at Camilla for being right the way he always did when she was making him admit things he really didn’t want to admit. “It’s fine. I know she’s trying.” Or at least that Camilla needed him to say this. He couldn't get upset over this. Not with Camilla around. She'd do what she always did, get upset over him being upset about something she couldn't change and he really couldn't have that right now. “Well, there is something. You could get me some food that doesn’t taste like soggy cardboard?”

[emryschuyler]

Despite how much she wanted to be there for Emry, Aderyn knew she couldn’t do it without making things worse for herself. This was completely selfish, but at the same time, with the bad ideas she was having these days, it wasn’t safe for any of them. She made her way to his place and listened through the door. She couldn’t hear anything... At least he wasn’t there crying or doing anything stupid, so she slipped the letter under his door.

« Emry,

I know this is the moment when you need me again, with everything that’s going on with Parker, but I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t be around and pretend everything is okay, and I know that if we party all the time like we did the last time, this is going to be the end of me. The real end of me.

I’ll will always be here if you need me, but I can’t be around anymore. You have Ezra, don’t forget that. I’m sorry.

I love you, be careful. Keep him away from you.

A.C. »

[emryschuyler]

parkerjamcs:

Parker choked on a sob when he heard those three words, he hated them so much coming from Emry. He didn’t want to believe them. It was worse when Parker did still love him, he loved him so damn much that he wouldn’t be able to breathe another second if Emry was no longer in his life. He wished he could hate him, but he couldn’t. “Fine,” he managed to say, exhausted and hurt and upset. “Explain…tell me why you didn’t stop your brother from murdering the one person who was always my constant, my childhood best friend, my first crush, my first everything. That was Hunter. He was left to bleed and bleed and bleed just so you could be with me. Explain. Now.”

Emry's grip loosened a little, his thumbs carefully caressing the backs of Parker's hands as he looked at him, unable to fathom what this meant, that Parker let him explain. That Perker loved him. Or had loved him at some point at least. Something he had been doubting ever since the breakup. “I didn't stop him because he didn't tell me. He didn't tell me until after. Until it was too late to fix.” He knew this sounded bizarre. Parker had no reason to believe him and Emry had a million reasons to lie to him. But he wasn't and he needed Parker to know that. “You know you're my first priority. Always. You know I'd never hurt you.” His eyes flickered down for a second, tears stinging in his eyes when he looked back up again. He didn't mean for any of this to happen. He tried so hard to prevent this. “I wanted to tell you. I really did. But I couldn't.”

[emryschuyler]

parkerjamcs:

“Don’t touch me,” Parker hissed, struggling to get out of Emry’s grip. He was sick of getting his heart stomped on. He was sick of the secrets, the lying–he couldn’t take it. “Your brother killed him!” he cried. “You killed him, my best friend! And for what, just so you could get in my goddamn pants? What else could you possibly say to explain something like that?” He was beginning to feel his legs giving out, his chest tightening as he started shaking a bit as the anxiety was coming back. “You don’t love me,” he said in between choked sobs. “You never did…did you?”

His grip on Parker's wrists tightened when he tried to get away, holding on just because he was scared of what would happen if he let go. “Parker, please. Just listen to me,” he begged, just seeing Parker like this almost enough to bring him to tears. His next words stung. It hurt so fucking bad. “You don't believe this,” he said quietly, his words almost sounding like a question as he searched his face for any sort of confirmation. “I love you. I love you so fucking much and I'll never stop loving you. And if you love me back, if you ever loved me back then you will listen to me. You'll give me a chance to explain.”