Wolfbird Reread Notes - Chapter One
Chapter 1: Vyp’yem za Tebya
Just as a warning to anyone who is going to read this. This will contain spoilers for Chapter 1 of Wolfbird by OpalApparition @opal-apparition on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/75354806/chapters/196985761 - the following notes were 20 pages of hand-written notes somewhat in point form, with some in-depth discussion with myself about my own thoughts and feelings which were brought about through Shane’s characterization in the books and this fic. I discuss my own experience as an autistic person, with some mention of EDs and other mental health issues from my own perspective in relation to this work. Please proceed with caution. This is not written in essay format, but more stream of consciousness as I was reading the fic, so paragraphs may seem to jump topics quickly.
JJ’s use of “ben” makes me smile as a bilingual Canadian. I don’t know if they use “ben” the same way in France-French the way we do in Canadian French. I speak, however, more Acadian French than Quebecois - though I have had influences of both in my French Immersion education.
Shane's performative drinking of beer. In the show and books he struggles to get ginger ale other than from Ilya without judgement. In the AU he has now had to learn to mask his own desires to better fit in and has to “perform” being the perfect captain. Shane shows his anxiety and discomfort in how he picks at the label on his beer, shredding it.
“He’d laughed at the right jokes, bought a round, and made small talk with the objectively hot bartender. He knew how to do this. He’d been doing it since junior hockey.”
Performing the script of social interaction
Performing joy when you would rather be anywhere else
Needing to fit in and be “normal”
The pressure Shane feels to be that role model for young Asian kids. To maintain his perfect image, but he can also use that image as a way to hide his queerness. Not hooking up, in this image, isn’t because he is GAY but because he needs to be a good role model. He can hide behind the image, and that can give a false sense of freedom.
There is a recurring theme in this fic of Shane's pressures being on his phone. We see it when Yuna reminds him of Reebok.
“No one could say he didn't try. If he was lucky, most of them would be too drunk to remember how much effort is took lately for Shane to wear the mask of Rookie of the Year, Role Model, good Japanese-Canadian son who never screwed up, Totally-Straight-Shane who definitely wanted to go home with that red head.”
I feel this so strongly. The need to control the narrative and live up tot he mask society and your own high standards have created for your own performance expectations. Where any deviation is unacceptable, and a failure.
Spiraling thoughts, and the anxiety created by the prison you have created of your own life and routine in order to maintain the mask. Living up to your own rules you imposed (protein shake for dinner, because he had beer), all of the crushing “shoulds”. The routine and life that gave him control and a scene of stability for so long now feeling crushing, the control was a facade and he is floating through life unmoored now - and this is scarier than anything at this point in his life.
“At least here there were people. Noise. Proof that life happened outside his own skull.”
This is why I spend so much time at coffee shops where I don;t have to talk with people, but I can remember the world is not lonely, and I am not alone, even when I am struggling in my own mind. (I literally wrote this portion of my hand-written notes at a coffee shop).
Casual homophobic language from the team is a constant reminder to Shane that he is different, not “perfect”, and not safe.
The clenched jaw, the tight shoulders, the man is holding himself together.
Depersonalization, watching from outside himself as he goes through the motions.
“Home meant protein shakes and four walls and the same script he’d been reading from since junior hockey: be grateful, work harder, don;t complain, don;t slip up, be your best, be the best.”
When the comfort of autistic scripting dissolves and all you feel is the crushing weight of expectation, even if you’re the only person truly putting them on yourself and the performance.
Even when others have no intention to, their comments can crush us under expectation and disappointment.
“Being their Shane was exhausting.”
It’s a performance of things people think are inseparable from himself, but Shane Hollander #24, Role Model, was never Shane to begin with. It;s a role he plays, and the costume has become too tight, but nobody notices because it;s been the same costume for so long.
Shane can;t even remember the last time he let go and laughed in a way that wasn;t part of the performance.
“He should go home, back to the protein shakes and four walls, where it was safe.”
Except it;s only the illusion of safety, it;s where his mind spirals, where he can;t do anything bu perform in the too-tight Shane Holland #24 costume.
Shane even think to himself like he is one of his toxic masculine teammates - calling himself a pussy etc. in the way he self-berates.
“Somewehre down Rue Sainte-Catherine, there was a bar where no one knew his name, and maybe, just maybe, he could stop performing for one fucking night.”
This is very important. This is the only thing right now that Shane knows he wants: to stop performing. To not need to perform. To be in a safe place where performance is unnecessary, but letting go of that performance will be a lot more difficult than he realizes in this moment. But the desire to let go is there, niggling the back of his mind.
Wolfbird presents as luxurious and expensive, which is a contrast to Rozanov’s lived experience we learn about later. Rozanov performs luxury for people like Shane performs perfection.
Shane's phone is his lifeline to the life he performs. Letting it go for the first time is terrifying… but it’s the first step to giving up the script, the pressure, the performance.
The stark contrast between the sports bar and Wolfbird in lighting, noise, vibe. Wolfbird is low-sensory input, creating a safe space for Shane in a way the sports bar never could with it;s sticky floors, heavy smells, and loud vibe. While he may feel nervous and out of his depth the space itself isn’t the cause.
Shane can see that at wolfbird none of the other patrons are performing. In this we even see how in straight sports bar environments that both masculinity and femininity are performances. They perform sex without want, but at Wolfbird desire is at the forefront - without the facade.
Shane has some cling to heteronormativity when he mentally mentions “normal couples” but points out to himself the queer couples. This is how we know he sees himself as abnormal. He isn;t used to seeing unapologetic queer desire, and it stops him in his tracks - unable to move from the threshold.
Mounting panic that he tries to bury - but it only grows the more he buries.
“He didn't belong here. These people knew what they wanted. They’d walked through the door already at ease in their own skin, already certain.”
Shane has buried his own desires for so long behind the mask, the performance, that he doesn;t even know what he wants.
Secretly, he needs permission to desire, to ant, to express his needs, to slowly unbury it from the locked box in his soul.
He isn;t even comfortable in his own skin because his very BODY has become part of the performance.
Shane will be stopped in his tracks by Ilya;s beauty in every universe.
Rozanov is immediately cataloguing Shane's movements, performance, already unpacking Shane's true feelings behind the little lies.
The contrast of Rozanov being loose and Shane being wound tight. Rozanoc coming closer to establish connection, without being too close to cause overwhelm. Nonverbal cues from Shane that Rozanov can clock in an instant.
Rozanov doesn;t burden Shane with deciding what drink he wants - but presents him options on how a drink can make him feel. Strong for nerves, or good tasting to keep his mind more straight. Reducing choices to a simple A or B to reduce overwhelm in a new environment.
Even with this Shane is overwhelmed and answers truthfully for the first time: I don;t know.
Not knowing, as someone who sticks so much to a script, is terrifying.
Rozanov does not pressure Shane to make a decision. He takes :I don;t know” as a full answer, and makes a decision for Shane - showing that Shane;s truth is allowed here, and if he can;t make a decision he doesn;t have to. He removed that pressure from Shane in a form of care taking.
Shane feels shame for noticing and liking Rozanov’s muscular and veined arms. Desire for him arrives primarily in the form of shame now.
Rozanov can tell Shane has reason to all of his actions, and tries to make room for Shane;s desires - for Shane to speak them into the space between them, but Shane has buried them too deep in shame to recognize them as desires any longer.
Rozanov clocks that Shane is tightly wound in his performance and how he can;t even let go to relax.
Rozanov expresses he is not making fun, trying to make room for Shane to express himself.
Rozanov offers for Shane to talk to him when they aren't looking at each other. The way this would help me so much when I am trying to have difficult conversations. The weight of someone's eyes on me adds to my need to perform. Rozanov is trying to remove the need for performance.
Even at this Shane says he doesn’t know what he WANTS him to say, more expectations, more performances.
Rozanov tells him he doesn’t WANT him to say anything - meaning this is not about what Rozanov wants, it’s not about his expectations, it’s about Shane and his desires, even if that desire is to sit quietly and have a drink.
Shane asks about Rozanov’s observations of him. Trying to see himself from this outside perspective, to be observed so closely and know what is being seen.
Rozanov is flirting openly with Shane, calling him pretty, calling him handsome. Unspokenly, giving permission for Shane to think the same about him - if he wants.
“You can lie to me if you want, I do not mind. Lies can be beautiful and fun, but I think you are tired of lying.”
Rozanov can see the performance of Shane Hollander #24 for what is is: A beautiful lie.
Shane was able to feel safe enough with Rozanov to not only admit that Shane Hollander #24 is a performance, but that it’s hard to perform it. Not only that, but he also is able to admit out loud that he is not interested in women.
Rozanov responds calmly, and proves to Shane that he is safe.
Again Rozanov presents options to Shane: finish his drink and leave, stay and talk more here, or go somewhere quieter. He presents safe options without expectation and, again trying to center Shane’s desires - giving permission to express what he wants in this moment without overwhelming him with choice.
Shane again is given space to truthfully say he doens;t know what he wants, so Rozanov tries a new tactic of narrowing down choices by identifying what Shane DOESN’T want.
This si something I have done frequently, and is a way of coping when I am overwhelmed by choices and can;t pinpoint what I want. Sometimes it’s easier to know what I don;t want. For example picking where to eat. Sometimes all I know it “not tacos” and “not pizza”. It has been frustrating when people don’t understand decision paralysis like I have, to them it sounds like responding with negativity - but Rozanov simply presents it to Shane as a way of identifying what he wants from another angle. Permission to NOT DESIRE is equally presented as permission to DESIRE.
“‘Good.’ Rozanov said, and Shane has to wonder if he was being praised for making a basic decision…”
That’s because he is. It took this long for him to voice an opinion and make a decision based on what he wants. Of course Rozanov wants to encourage that in Shane, so he praises the decision. Subtly and wimpy - honouring the moment and the desire without judgment.
Shane struggles to talk about himself I think not because he doesn't know himself, but because every “fact” he has at the ready about himself is about the script, the performance, and the mask that is Shane Hollander #24. Rozanov instead switches tactics to asking questions, and based on how Shane answers them he can ask new questions to dig deeper past the performance, past the facade.
“This is problem, yes. When you are one thing for so long, you forget other parts.:
I have felt this so hard in the last few months. I realized that for the last 8 years… I have been bottling up my feelings - my real feelings - on stuff. Maybe even the last 10 years. I have been running on the same script of who I am and the persona I have built up about myself and anything that did;t fit was pushed down. After watching HEated Rivalry the first time through on December 26th… I cried all evening, all the next day. I realized I was not happy and I was performing every day - not actually being who I am and doing what I want to do. I felt like I had lost all control of my life, the script no longer worked and I was terrified. These past few months I have been working through suppressed emotions, and getting to know myself again. I feel Shane's struggle so strongly and intimately because I too lost myself, my desires, my emotions. The script stopped working and I have been lost trying to navigate without it… slowly finding my way.
“...Everyone makes mistakes. The good thing is that it is normal. The bad thing… is… for you, trying to be perfect has become normal.”
Boy Rozanov, call Shane AND me the fuck out here, yepp… ouch.
Rozanov is used to his clients needing to stop pretending - he sees in Shane how exhausted he is from the performance.
“I see someone who wants to be wanted but is terrified of wanting back.”
Clock my fucking tea, Rozanov.
I want to be wanted. It;s a bone deep desire that sometimes makes me cry from it’s weight. But I fear wanting others because I feel I am not worthy of them, or the idea of me wanting them will be perceived as disgusting. When you grow up undiagnosed autistic and fat… the funniest and worst insult that could be thrown at others was the idea of you wanting them. Or worse… them wanting YOU.
The praise and attraction Rozanoc shows to Shane - that he is handsome… that his freckles are constellations in his skin. Shane doesn't want to admit to himself he likes it. Rozanov also explicitly gives Shane permission to find him hot, because he can see the fear of desire in Shane.
I also don;t know how to relax. Even now, reading a fan fiction on my couch… my jaw is clenched, my low abs and quads are firing and engaged. Even falling asleep I am tense. I don;t remember the last time I relaxed… I don’t even know HOW to relax.
The theme of control haunts my life…
“You are controlling this conversation. Controlling how you sit. Controlling your face so you do not show too much… even now you are thinking about what you should say instead of what you want to say.”
Learning about how far my need for control goes, in what areas of my life, and how it has damaged me throughout my life (ED) has been a major theme of my few months of self-discovery.
Shane primarily needs permission. To be himself. Rozanov even acknowledges that Shane needed permission to say “I don’t know:”
I may present tot he world as unapologetically myself but this is all part of my crafted mask and script. I have chosen the parts of myself I show in public, and I want to be perceived as someone who is authentically themselves all the time… butt here are parts of myself that I don;t even show to close friends. I am starting to reveal some of these consciously as a way to work through things and trying to dismantle the script that now feels too suffocating to perform day in and day out. I am still not my full self to anyone… maybe even to myself yet. But I am working on giving up grasping for control, and letting people in.
Part of Shane giving up control in this way, to a dom, still comes with explicit consent and an admission that you DESIRE to give up that control for that duration. Rozanov highlights multiple points of consent. Consent to go to a private room, negotiation and questions which go over consent for particular actions, and again consent before anything starts.
Even in a scene that will allow Shane to give up a lot of control, he will still have multiple points he can decide he doesn't want this, and he will also have the rip cord to end the scene. He will have the TRUE control over what matters: his consent, but be allowed to give up the need to control all else, even if just for a little while.
