enceladus @enceladussx - Tumblr Blog

total awareness

i step afoot, away from the comfort of my own walls, an unwavering sensation of perception drapes over me; i am here, i am seen. i delve inwards to myself, a type of "super-awareness" awakens inside of me, naturally curating its own recipe for discomfort and that feeling of being watched continuously. i have been witnessed, i have been captured on numerous eyes gazing past, or locking on, onto my existence, so it stands. i am an entity, woving my way through empty crowds, impressively alone in the gaze of the eyes. i stand and i exist, through each inhale, through each exhale, i feel each passing second deep within my bones. i desire a physical reality of my eyes staring back, so to speak, that noticing comes from what is, and not what's within.

#poetry #creative writing #writing piece #poems #poems and poetry

you are so

the consequences of meeting you have been unanimously euphoric. not an ounce of uncertainty in my mind. in the delicacy of your hands, we've created this ambience of mutual understanding in a gleeful, harmonious way, unnatural, novel to me. i gaze into your eyes, a pool of adoration and perception, and upon me unfolds this blissful blanket of supernaturality; a feeling that expertise cannot unveil. from the moment we expressed simple language to each other, my heart began to carve out a unique structure just for you, and only you. through little yet intense time, my heart became saturated with all expressions of longing and that feeling of feeling felt through the expression of your existence. you provoke this sense of virginity within me and not through a biblical sense of 'purity' and 'innocence', but rather a deep, sought-after feeling of vulnerability that was never once thoroughly painted upon prior. you are the river shining back at me; a mere completion of how nature can be complementary. i feel cyclical with you, a hopeful never-ending progression for what we are meant to be.

#writing piece #relationships #gratitude #creative writing

___'s museum of learned attachment styles

meeting you so far has felt inevitable; it had to happen. i refute the possibilities and think of the now with you. i disengage the possibility of putting you on a pedestal to allow my mind to sit in stillness, alongside yours, in our own intimate coexistence. i won't play pretend, i think of possibilities which light up that ceaseless love i naturally uphold within my boundless soul, yet, what makes me fall for you isn't the potential, or the future, its the way my heart dances and beckons in those quiet, present moments. i feel very tender about what we have made so far as a result of your presence adjacent to mine. you effortlessly light up a curiosity inside me about yourself and what made you the person you are today. i am eager to find out, and every day creates a pool of opportunities for my mind to explore that.

#attachment styles

shadows of the never-ending past

i know it's over now, the salt-soaked gown i wore to bed rests gently hung up whilst the rocks from its crystals slowly droop to the ground. i watch as your lustful skin sheds delicately like a caterpillar warping into its soft wings and eye striking colours. we're different now, i plead to myself ritually every night, i know it's over now. flicking through the memories of the past, i drown in this desperate hunger of feeling seen and being heard. i drowned in my cries, through tears and through laughter each day as the sun kissed down onto the horizon. the moon never shied away when i looked for evidence that this nightmare would soon be fought by the penetration through time, for which it beheld. my eyes are softer now, i no longer frown my brows when speaking to you, nor do i grit my teeth when hearing your testimonies, i know its over now. i see you are a new you yet i will not forget that butterflies come from caterpillars.

#love #relationships

15 again.

i'm all grown now. through what they describe as the worst part of being a teenager. nearly in my 20s. confident in myself yet still figuring out who I am. i met you by slim statistical chance, looking for something long-lasting, saturated with adoration and complete bliss with you. couldn't have turned the world upside down and found more than what I did with you, besotted I was. it didn't take long for you to take your chances with me and repeatedly throw my worth aside into the gutter like I was some inferior accomplice, repeatedly.

i am 15 again.

you took my words, my letters, my gifts of love with such embrace only for you to turn your back, hide yourself, and set it alight and watch the embers float so delicately into the abyss.

i am 15 again.

you reached into my soul, used your words "I love you" you said with such confidence. i naively reciprocate those words into a void of repeated meaningless transactions between you and your lustful greed.

i am 15 again.

you apologised with fabricated lies desperately holding a heavy-weighted facade of who you wanted me to love. i so eagerly took that mask you wore onboard, unknowingly to myself, and embraced it with every spare bone in my being.

i am 15 again.

i have come full circle with what I thought I deserved presently and what 15-year-old me got; an insecure boy who cannot control his own sexual, romantic, and ego-driven urges.

i am 15 again.

the "you" when i was 15 was an evil, manipulative poor excuse of a person. what "you" did was incredibly pathetic and disgusting. the new you who has done exactly that but to a higher degree makes me acutely resentful of the actions you chose to make based on a deeper psychological urge pre-coded within you.

i am 15 again.

#love #heartbreak #quotes #relationships

fear of being perceived.

being so aware of everything in the world; how the systems work, why things are the way they are, and suffering in this relentless void of intangible time makes the idea of being perceived by other people who have taken the same path around the sun as me, insufferable. my soul dances in tune with the way the birds sing and how the sky paints a picture every night, I inhale such glory that I can bear witness and partake in this mathematically impossible event yet I exhale sharply with a drop in my stomach. the natural world spins without remuneration generating the gifts of life, light, and love yet mankind has taken it upon himself to turn it into a dystopia accelerated with segregation by class, race, identity, and so forth. we breathe again. the exhale weighs firmly down my chest spiking the palpitations of my heart. is this a never-ending cycle? is this the end product of something so mighty?

#capitalism #anticapitalism #late stage capitalism

contradiction

choosing to stay with you almost makes me a walking contradiction. i hate your species, I hate your kind, I hate men. every day I am proved by one man or another that your kind is merely just a walking demolition of greed, pride, and suffering. i think I continue to drown in the consequences of your actions every day, everlastingly it seems, as you so quickly proved me to be the same; a product of your prideful environment, fuelled by your flawed biology, shaped by the ruins of the patriarchy we all fall on unwillingly. i despise being a victim to that creation whilst being the one closest to you. did I let this happen? should I have remained afar? was this an inevitable bi-product of our human condition? will I ever foresee this as a forgiving act once and for all refuting any fatalistic view on your endeavor. my soul meanders again and again through this maze of unanswered questions trailing my mind. resentment trembles down my being as I am longer left without answers. yet these answers I so hopelessly desire are not something tangible, let alone to be perceived by oneself.

#love #heartbreak #quotes #relationships

singsong

the sun kisses my skin without hesitation whilst the leaves dance in synchrony to the wind. my pulse remains in tune with the seconds and my heart sings a song so dear for you. my existence isn't one that follows a pre-planned graph of hopes and desires; it glides through the chaos of an infinite cycle. i let my heart strings drop loose and my ego runs to catch it yet it still plummets through the thickness of the clouds. i am falling. i reach out to you to touch your soul and I beckon out to the sky and the gods "let me reign this infinite land of love and light! for I shan't let this rejection of proof for what pre-exists in me, to permanently fault my soul." I reach out again.

#spirituality #relationships #socialism #heartbreak #society #love #loa #quotes

cosmic intimacy.

i lay there, resting my head on the moss of my window. the world silently spinning into a cosmic museum; erased from noise, expectations and meaningless demands. a song echoes into the chambers of my soul, building up an eruption of solitude and purpose without explanation. i am here. i am present. my soul gently suspends between the stillness of the warm air that night against the cosmos dancing above me. a golden rush of pure eminence pours over my person unremittingly as the echoes from the melody infiltrate my bones. without a delay of uncertainty, blood rushes to my hands as they string up from the sky synchronising with the illuminous shooting-star illustrating its glory over the infinities of nothingness. and in that singularity, everything aligned, that feeling of feeling felt will never cease from my experience, here, as a reincarnation for everything the universe once was.

#spirituality #lived experience

you stole.

you stole things from me i never thought you could tamper with. my trust and my peace, I gave you, undamaged, clean slate. i presented to you what I don't present effortlessly, residing in in the highest part of the room, like a well-polished trophy. i allowed that to remain in the storms of your embrace until the prides to which you hold high soared down from the sky, carrying the weight of an anvil, crushing all that I had offered. i stood there, numb, whilst scarlet coloured tears swept down my cheeks like daggers caressing minute cuts upon my skin as I bore witness to all my accomplishments being struck down into the cruel concrete below. i raise my chin to meet eyes with you, "why did you do this?" falls out of the coronary artery of my heart through the fragility of my words. "I don't know." you reply limply.

love sonnet.

your heart reigns on me for what's not known, I cherish the solar ray and wind you prey. From love to ruins, for you have shown, your pride and ego echoes mere decay.

your tender patience is that i lust, which for I bleed through; the waiting game. I ache to feel the symbol of trust, but what remains - that spark and flame.

Yet somewhere in all the quake of what's been lost, I see a child suffocating in uncertainty and strain. He held inside a hope for what it cost, for the love I have for him indefinitely remains. stay true to yourself and stay true to me, for that's all it takes for us to forever be.

time expenditure.

i tend to dwell on the fact that seven days is not enough. 24 hours is not enough. i envy time itself as it exists in a constant flow state; never-ending, forevermore. but i seep into such anguish as a witness of time. i believe time itself isn't the punisher of one's soul but the constant passing of it, relentlessly, through our aching souls, ached by this doomed society emerges a panic onto our person's. we are spending our time in an exchange for lesser time to begin with, to allow us to surround ourselves with material that already pre-exists on our blue rock (food, water, laughter, love). but by which we have succumb to has accustomed us to believe that the satisfaction of such is to be earned in such a flawed way. we do not exist to be earners of such passion. it is pre-coded in our being's to live a life saturated with generosity, adoration and personal growth yet it is tied behind a paywall until the collapse of our current economic system inevitably foresees itself.

#anticapitalism #socialism #communism #fuck capitalism #fuck trump #society

itsrlymine

You get what you want when you decide you have it.

disillusionment.

i'm not entirely bitter over the fact anymore. i don't even know entirely what happened and how to translate it into words myself but i can admit it has left me a little hole, somewhere in my soul that was filled with love and excitement i have for you, and i have for us. the hole isn't detrimental to what we have curated amongst ourselves, we have great potential for something bigger, something greater that goes far beyond our imperfections but unfortunately for us *your* imperfections have left me an empty hole swarmed with a tamed storm of purified sadness and empty longing to who i thought you were, or rather, who i thought you stood, as an individual, a partner, a person, for me. i shan't dwell on the fact of betrayal and resentment i feel towards your actions as i am eager to move on and bury this. yet, although retrospectively small, it is going to take a lot to re-kindle that inexplicable excitement i had for you and i and our future. i shan't dwell. i can accept the very truth of what happened or moreover, what could've happened but ultimately that inkling of trust is gone and i need you to bring it back to me sharper and shinier than ever in order for our connection to re-spark into the infinities and further more.

#betrayal #disillusioned #sad #heartbreak #relationships #movingon