An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
'It was times like these that Diaval wondered whether his dreams of something more between the two of them werenât too foolish after all, but even if they were, as long as she was happy, so was he.'
Diaval and Maleficent reconnect after weeks apart, and discover that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder.
Notes: Okay... so I had a lot of feelings after watching the Cynco scenes from 4x20... 5636 words worth to be exact.
Summary: Cynthia struggles with her reasons behind her impending break up with Cisco, and finds comfort from a person she least expected, the man himself.Â
Rating: T
âWhat didâŠto her?â The roaring of blood in her ears muffled the panicked voices that surrounded her, but sheâd recognised the familiar hum of Ciscoâs power the second he dropped down beside her. âHey. Talk to meâŠâ Her mind was filled with vibes of her dad, of her old partner, and of Cisco⊠of the tender smile he had just for her, and the gentleness in his voice when he said her name.
She relived the first time sheâd kissed him, an intense clash of lips while she smushed his face between her palms⊠and the first time heâd kissed her, a soft, slow, press of his lips on her own, that had made her feel as though she was melting. There were other images too, moments with him that she either couldnât remember or hadnât happened yet, but they were lethargic, fuzzy things that kept flickering on and off⊠ All she wanted to do was sleep. Â
âCome on⊠Talk.â Somewhere in the back of her head sheâd been aware of him shaking her, but it wasnât until his hand grabbed hers, skin brushing skin, that her mind suddenly cleared, her powers thrumming in sync with his own. She came to with a gasp, her lungs screaming for air, and grappled for the first thing she could find, his arms.
Her chest and throat ached and her head was pounding as though sheâd just tried to vibe across multiple dimensions. And she lay disorientated on the cold hard floor, trying to catch her breath.
He pulled her up towards his chest and she let him, her body limp in his hold. He hugged her to him and she closed her eyes and clung to him like a lifeline, relieved knowing that no matter what was going on with them he was there for her. âYouâre okay.â He breathed against her hair. âYouâre okay.â
He shifted from his awkward kneeling position and sat down beside her, legs outstretched. She felt his ability surge to life as he used it and he stiffened in her arms, one of his hands moving to touch her neck lightly with the tips of his fingers. She wished he hadnât looked, but knew that if the roles were reversed, she would have done the same. Vibing the anger he felt in that moment turned her stomach so she reached up to run her fingers though his hair in an attempt to soothe it. âThat was some crazy Anakin shit, huh?â She rasped, wincing at the pain that flared in her throat.
It did the trick. He laughed breathily against the crown of her head and pressed his nose to her hairÂ
They sat like that for a few quiet moments, Cisco running his hand up and down her arm and her gripping the leather of his jacket trying to get her shaking hands under control. Â She was so focused on him that she didnât even notice Barryâs approach until he started to speak.
He didnât even get his second word out before she startled and thrust her hand out on reflex.
Cisco grabbed her wrist and yanked it up, sending the resulting vibe blast towards the ceiling rather than the speedsters face. âHey, Cynthia⊠Youâre safe, I've got you.â She relaxed back against him and let out a trembling breath
Caitlin approached this time, slowly, as though she was a wild animal about to pounce. âLetâs get her back to StarLabs.â She told Cisco, and then directed the next part to her, holding out a hand to help her up. âIâll take a closer look at your neck.â Cynthia nodded minutely, took the hand and let both Caitlin and Cisco help her up on to wobbly legs.
âŠ
Once they made it back she was guided into their med bay again and made to sit on the hospital bed. She did so reluctantly; she was feeling better already, especially now that the shock had worn off, sheâd been injured a lot worse than this, more than once, chasing down a Breacher.
âOkay, so everything seems fine, you might be a little sore for a few days, but Iâll find you some painkillers for the muscular discomfort and something to soothe your throat.â She nodded for what felt like the hundredth time, somewhat grateful for having an excuse not to speak, and watched as she scurried out the door.
Cisco was sat at the foot of the bed turning his vibe glasses over in his hands. âSheâs⊠thorough.â She said finally, breaking the silence that had started to become awkward again.
He scoffed, the corner of his lips turning up in a fond smile. âSheâs Caitlin.â He said in way of an answer. Finally peering up at her. âYou want some water?â
âCoffee?â She bartered.
He laughed, lifting a leg up onto the bed to face her better. âYou need to go easy on that stuff, you think I didnât see you knocking back those espresso shots?â
âYou vibed that, huh?â He looked down at the thin mattress, sheepishly, but she tapped the bed to get his attention and smiled at him reassuringly. It didnât bother her that heâd been vibing her, she did the same thing back home when she was missing him, usually in the few moments right before sleep took her after a busy shift. Sheâd watch him do mundane things like make dinner or tinker in his workshop or watch his dorky TV shows and giggle to himself.
âThis doesnât change anything, does it?â He murmured, so quietly she thought maybe he didnât want her to hear it.
She sighed, eyes stinging with tears that she was trying to hold back. âIt shouldnât⊠Noâ
The silence stretched on after that, neither sure what to say. Cynthia hated awkward silences, hated the way they made everyone around her insideâs squirm with unease. Usually she broke it was a stern order and no nonsense attitude, but right now she had nothing to say. She didnât want to end things between them, and she could sense that he didnât either, but heâd made it quite clear that what they currently had wasnât enough for him, and she wasnât sure she could give him more than that⊠he was unhappy, and she wouldnât, she couldnât be responsible for that.
âYou know...â She laughed shakily. âMy dad was just starting to not hate you, too.â
He laughed, the corners of his eyes crinkling and flashing the dimple in his left cheek. âFor real? I wasnât sure where I stood after I called him old⊠took so long to answer about the job offer⊠made fun of his dragon farm idea.â
Cynthia smiled and rolled her eyes, remembering her dadâs plans to visit Earth 47, and wondering why this particular midlife crisis had come thirty years too late. âYouâve definitely been his favourite boyfriend of mine.â She said finally, because it was true. Cisco raised an eyebrow dubiously and Cynthia lowered her voice into a seamless imitation of her fathers that sheâd been mastering since she was six. âYour Cisci,â She said gruffly. âHeâs a good man, Cynthiaâ
She realised too late that the imitation had been a bad idea, the strain on her throat resulted in a painful coughing fit and Cisco reached over to pour her a glass of water from the jug Caitlin had put on the table.
He shuffled closer, rubbing her back gently as they waited for it to subside, and Cynthia found herself leaning against his chest while her lungs, throat and head all protested.
It hit her all of a sudden that this might be the last time heâd hold her and the tears stung at the eyes anew. Her dad was leaving for god knows how long and now her and Cisco were⊠ the tears rolled down her cheeks.
Where did this leave her? With a job she adored, sure⊠but what good was that if she had no one to come home to?
âAre you hurting?â His voice was so full of concern it made her want to weep, but she bit her lip.
âNo.â she croaked, swallowing thickly and wincing as she did. But it was a lie and there was no use lying to him, he could vibe her emotions just as well as she could his, and right now she could feel the ache in his chest just as well as the one in her own âYes.â She corrected, sniffling. âBut, no.â She fumbled with her hands trying to find something to wipe her nose with, and seeing her dilemma, Cisco handed her a tissue out of one of the drawers
 âAre you going to be alright at the agency if Iâm not taking Breacherâs place. Your dadâs not going to have to come out of retirement is he?â She smiled. This man. He was always so full of concern for others; sheâd truly never met anyone like him in all the multiverse.
She exhaled heavily and sat up. âNo. Weâll be fine Cisco⊠ I might have to pull a few extra shifts, but something tells me Iâll be glad of the distraction.â He frowned, his already low mood plummeting, and she knew instantly that sheâd said the wrong thing. âI just meanâŠâ She trailed off and sighed, ducking her head into her hands and pushing them up through her hair in frustration.
The silence started again and she battled with yet more tears, swiping at the angrily with the heels of her hands. God, sheâd ever felt so weak.
âCome here.â He urged quietly arms held out towards her, sheâd long since gotten used to going to him, it had been uncomfortable at first, before Cisco it had been three years since sheâd been in a proper relationship. Sheâd had the odd one night stand here and there, but that was more to scratch an itch than anything else. Before Cisco it had been so long since anyone had simply held her, that sheâd forgotten how good it had felt, but right now she was hesitant to go to him.
She didnât trust herself not to go back on everything sheâd said and ask him to give them another shot. It wasnât fair on him, she couldnât mess with his heart like that.
âCynthia, please.â She should have told him her name sooner, so many people called her Gypsy these days, and sheâd thought she liked it that way until heâd started calling her by name. The tender way in which he said it, with that mischievous smirk on his lips, as though sheâd told him a secret that no one else knewÂ
She bit her lip and inched forward, damn he could get her to do anything if he simply called her by name.
The hug was a tentative, hesitant thing, as though neither was sure they were doing the right thing, but then she was in his arms and he was tipping them back to lie down on the bed and everything else slipped awayÂ
She snuggled up to him, head tucked into the space between his shoulder and his neck, and her hands fisted tightly into his t-shirt.
She felt him relax instantly against her. This was natural, theyâd spent many a night like this, especially in the beginning, watching movies and TV shows, debating which were better and discussing how they were different from earth to earth. And then sometimes theyâd just talk, about work or team flash, or stupid things like their favourite colours and ice cream flavours
Theyâd even done this before they were really together, not long after heâd lost Barry to the speed force and Caitlin to Killer Frost.
Sheâd taken so many nights off during those first few months, and pulled so many favours⊠It was part of the reason she had so little time off now, not that sheâd ever tell him that. Heâd just seemed so lost and lonely back then, sometimes sheâd get back late from chasing down a Breacher or finishing paperwork and sheâd vibe him, still in his workshop in StarLabs, in the early hours of the morning, his newest project for freeing Barry from the speed force spread out over the table top.
Those were the nights where sheâd breach over and breach him home and into bed, most of the time he was so exhausted he didnât notice her pull his shoes off his feet and pull the blankets over him. Sometimes though heâd wake up, dazed and disorientated, or frustrated and upset over failed prototype, and sheâd lie with him, just like this, until he fell back to sleep, or until they both woke up the next morning.
And it hadnât felt weird, even back then when all theyâd shared was a battle, a handful of heated conversations and an even hotter kiss. Being with Cisco⊠it was like suddenly realising youâve been driving in the wrong gear, when he was around, everything seemed easier. Sheâd felt it the day theyâd met, the way his powers resonated with her own, thrummed together like a harmony.
It felt good, sent a warm pleasant feeling curling in her stomach and up her spine. Cisco, bless him, in his inexperience with his powers, had put it down to sheer infatuation, but she knew it was so much more than that.
His chest rose as he inhaled and stayed there, as though he wanted to use the breath to speak, but couldnât find the words. He sighed, tracing patterns on her arm with the tips of his fingers. âWhat is it?â She prompted.
It took a few moments for him to answer, and he stopped his idle movements against her side. âYou said you didnât want me to take the jobâŠâ He murmured, and she didnât need to see his face to picture the furrow in his brow. âDid you not want to work with me?â He tried to sound casual about it, and perhaps he would have succeeded if she hadnât been able to feel the curiosity and the hurt churning in his chest.
She tilted her head to look up at him. âNo, I didnât want to work with you.â His face fell and she hurried to continue. âItâs not for the reason you think.â She turned her head back down, tracing the design on his t-shirt, not sure she could say what she needed to say while looking him in the eye. âLook, CiscoâŠI've done the whole, dating and working together thing andâŠâ The words caught in her throat and she huffed out a breath. âI've already told you how that ended.â
âYou think I canât handle myself out there?â
âThatâs not what I said.â Her voice broke. âMy last partner, he was one of the best collectors at the agency, until he was shot in the back with a bullet that was meant for me.â Her eyes burned, so she squeezed them shut and swallowed the lump in her throat. Cisco tipped his head against hers and held her a little tighter. âI⊠I blamed him for so long, for getting in the way, for not focusing on the job⊠until just before when DeVoeâs wife was coming at you with that sword andâŠâ She couldnât finish, sheâd vibed the possible outcome of that scenario, had only seen the briefest of flickers of him getting run through with that sword before dropping her hold on DeVoe and taking the woman down.
âYou donât have to explain anymore.â He whispered.
She appreciated him giving her an out, but she continued anyway. âOut in the field, we both need to be completely focused, and I donât think either of us would be if we worked together⊠and I canât go through that again, not with you.â
Neither said anything else after that. He was playing absentmindedly with her hair, twirling it between his fingers while she listened to the beat of his heart through his chest. It wasnât an awkward silence though, Â more of a thoughtful one, she savoured these last moments, committed them to memory. All the while dreading the moment sheâd have to get up.
At least until her watch buzzed to life, assigning her with a code 12 breach.
She felt Cisco sigh, and he pulled away from her as they were suddenly reminded of the catalyst of this whole thing, and the reality of it all came crashing back.
He crossed his arms over his chest, closing himself off. âCan you not tell them youâre injured? I donât think you should be in the field just yet.â
She unclasped the device from her wrist and reached over him to place it on one of the machines to their right.. âOr I could ignore itâŠsomeone else will pick it up eventually.â This was what he wanted right? Time with her without the threat of being called away⊠She wasnât sure she could do it permanently, and she also wasnât stupid, she knew their time was coming to an end already⊠but maybe just this once, sheâd put him first.
Cisco raised an eyebrow at her. âOkayâŠâ He laughed nervously, peering up at her through his dark lashes, they were both on their backs now, faces turned towards each other and their hips brushing on the small bed.  âWhat happened to Miss âMy collection record is flawless, in these trails I am undefeated.ââ
She pursed her lips at his mocking, but couldnât keep from smirking at him. âWell, you took care of that one all one your own.â
He laughed, but it was more air than sound. âYou donât have to count it if you donât want. Your secretâs safe with me.â
She smiled softly at him reaching up hesitantly to brush a stray lock of hair out of his face. âIt counts.â His eyes dropped to her lips and she wondered briefly whether kissing was a thing they could still do, or whether their last kiss was their last ever kiss and she hadnât even realised it.
He looked away, from her lips and from her face, looking up at the sterile white ceiling and fluorescent lights of the lab. She covered the moment for him with a quick quip of âBut if weâre counting that, weâre also counting the multiple times I've beat your ass since, just so you know.â
He laughed, properly this time, and she laughed with him, just happy to see the smile on his face again, and relieved to know that they could still joke around like this. She leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to the side of his head.
âItâs good to see the two of you have made up.â Caitlin was back, smile on her face and a cup of yellowy orange liquid in one hand and a pot of pills in the other.
Cynthia sobered up immediately and felt it as Cisco did the same, she chanced a look up at him but he was already looking down at her and she found herself unable to hold his gaze. Caitlin must have seen something in their expressions because her smile dropped and she shifted awkwardly on the spot. âOhâŠâ
Cynthia sat herself up, rubbing nervously at the back of her neck and realising her mistake too late when the pain flared in response âHere.â Caitlin moved towards her and tipped the capsules into her palm, before reaching out and squeezing her hand reassuringly, making it look as those she was closing her hand over the pills.
It baffled her why Ciscoâs friend would be trying to comfort her, but she accepted the kind gesture for what it was and attempted to smile at her in thanks. Â She turned to Cisco, seemingly reluctant to say what she said next. âBarry wants to see us all in the cortex in a few minutes, I could tell him youâre busy.â
Cisco cleared his throat, dragging his hands though his hair. âNo⊠weâre fine
She sighed. They werenât fine⊠they were so far from fine, and now she was pretty sure it was too late to fix it.
âŠ
She hung around while they discussed DeVoeâs plan, picked at her nails while they talked amongst themselves over ways to fight against him. She wasnât exactly sure whatâs to do with herself, it was becoming more and more apparent that she wasnât going to be of anymore use to them, not that she really had been in the first place.
All sheâd done successfully today was seal the fate of her relationship with Cisco. She wondered absently over how long things would have continued on if  sheâd never shown up today at all. Tears threatened once again and she looked up and bit the inside of her cheek to try and stem them.
How long had he felt like this? How long had he stayed with her even when he was unhappy? Because she knew him and she knew it would have taken a lot for him to finally admit that this was right for him, he wouldnât have risked upsetting her unless heâd really like he had no other choice.
She didnât notice that theyâd all stopped talking and turned thier eyes to her, until Iris called Ciscoâs name gently and nodded towards her. She swiped at her eyes with the heels of her hands tried to clear the lump in her throat. âCisco, Iâm just gonna go.â Sheâd planned for her voice to come out steady, but it quivered with uncertainty and broke mid sentence. âYou guys are obviously busy, andâŠâ She didnât finish, just let the sentence hang and shifted self-consciously on the spot.
He watched her for a few moments, not quite meeting her eyes, like he was trying to decide whether or not to stop her. âJust give me a few minutes, yeah?â he said softly. âIâll breach you home.â
She didnât answer him, but she didnât move from where she stood either. âUhh⊠okayâŠâ He huffed out a breath and closed his eyes, clearly distracted âUmm⊠Harry and IâŠâ He glanced up at where the man in question stood, rubbing a hand wearily over his face and shook his head and concern twisted in concern. âOr maybe just me.â He corrected. âIâll have a look over all the information weâve gathered once Iâm back from taking Cyn- Gypsy â home.â He stumbled.  ââŠSee if thereâs anything I can come up with.â
He watched them expectantly, but their attention was divided between the two of them as they looked on with sympathetic expressions. Cynthia squirmed as Iris and Catlin came over and hugged her. Theyâd never hugged her before, and thatâs what made it all seem so final. Like they were saying âgoodbyeâ rather than âsee you laterâ, because they didnât expect to see her again.
Iris turned to Cisco. âWill you be coming to that thing tonight?â She questioned with a quick nod towards Joe and Cecile, the former of which, suddenly seemed determined to get the latters attention.
Cisco frowned in confusion, before seeming to come to a realisation. âOh yeah⊠Uhh, I donât know⊠Iâm not sure how long Iâll be gone for.â He glanced back at her and looked away just as quickly.
âHe wonât be long.â Cynthia said quickly, trying her hardest to ignore when his head swung around to finally look at her, pain visible in his eyes. âHeâs just dropping me off.â
There was no point in dragging it out, this was painful enough for the both of them as it was, and he had to know that. The rest of his team were all staring at her, their eyes feeling as though they were boring into her. She screwed her eyes shut and clenched her jaw, determined to keep her composure from slipping even more.
She was a highly respected collector on her earth, every bit her fatherâs daughter, she didnât show weakness. With Cisco it was fine, but with these people she had to draw the line. âCan we go now?â She ground the words out though her teeth and held her arm up to open a breach, but before she could Cisco moved to stand beside her and opened one of his own.
âCome on.â He said softly, nodding towards the breach, he sounded resigned, reluctant to do the bit that came next, and so was she.
âŠ
âAre we really gonna do this?â
It was a rhetorical question; at least she hoped it was, because she didnât give him an answer. It wasnât going to be easy, for either of them; already she could feel the panic welling inside her chest at the thought of him leaving and perhaps never seeing him again, they hadnât discussed that part, and now it felt too late.
But he wasnât happy, the trouble with communicating through cubes was that she hadnât been able to vibe what he was feeling, hadnât been able to tell just how hard being apart for so long had been for him, but now she knew the truth. Knew that what he wanted wasnât something she could give him, and she wasnât going to mess with his feelings or her own any longer.
She peered up at him as he looked out over headquarters. He deserved to be happy, he was such an intelligent, sensitive, funny person, just an amazing human being⊠which led to her questioning why she didnât want more with him. ââŠYou treat me⊠like Iâm the only woman in the multiverse⊠and I donât want more.â She closed her eyes and shook her head. âWhat is wrong with me?â She breathed.
She had a suspicion, when Abracadabra killed her last partner sheâd been devastated. Her whole world had been blown wide open, and sheâd had nowhere to hide. Everyone at the agency had known her business. Her once stern reputation had shattered when colleagues sheâd never exchanged more that a few words and a courteous nod with, visited her office offering her words of sympathy, and constantly asking if she was alright.
Heâd always been the sociable one, heâd known everyoneâs name, went to all the work parties while sheâd sat in their apartment and binge watched TV shows. Â Heâd been outgoing, animated, everything she wasnât, and it had grated on her last nerve for the longest time when theyâd first been assigned partners. But ever so slowly heâd worn her down, found out what had made her smile and then kept on doing it.
Heâd broken down the carefully constructed walls around her heart and then left her open and vulnerable for the world to see when heâd thrown himself in the path of a bullet that had been aimed at her head.
His things were still in boxes in her apartment, the apartment they used to share, sheâd never had the courage to look at them since, never mind throw them away, along with the engagement ring sheâd found hidden in one of his spare holsters in the back of their closet.
As soon as sheâd been able to sheâd slammed those walls back up, stamped down on her emotions and focused on her job. Sheâd refused a new partner out right, and thrown herself into her work, the only stable thing in her life at that moment. She woke up, trained, tracked down a Breacher, did her paperwork and hopefully got to bed at a reasonable hour, but not alwaysâŠ. and sheâd managed to stay that way for three years.
It wasnât until Cisco came around that her rigorous system had started to falter, it had been harmless flirting on her part at first, sheâd felt the pull, sure, but had resigned herself pretty early on not to let anything come of it, it just wasnât worth the heartache⊠Perhaps she should have listened to her own advice⊠or perhaps she had and that was why she was currently pushing away one of the best people sheâd ever met, for the sake of a job that had become an unhealthy pillar for her to cling on to.
âI donât know whatâs wrong with me.â She whispered, staring blankly at the wall ahead as tears welled in her eyes. Â Cisco reached out and took her hand, and she shook her head as a traitorous tear spilled over. âIâm sorry.â She sobbed quietly.
Sorry that things werenât different, that she couldnât be the partner he needed⊠That all her personal baggage and doubts and insecurities had gotten in the way of them being happy⊠of him being happy.
âNothings wrong. â He whispered softly, squeezing her fingers gently in his, but she scoffed feebly. Right now this whole thing felt wrong. âNothing at all.â He reassured her again. Â She looked up at him and he held her gaze for just a few moments before looking away again. They couldnât keep this up for ever, at some point soon they were going to have to say goodbye, despite the fact that they both didnât want to.
Still Cynthia could help trying to steal just a few more moments, heâd been so good to her, opened up her heart in ways she didnât even know she was capable of, made her want to do stupid, shmoopy things that until him she would have turned her nose up at⊠like their date on one-one-one day⊠âI guess maybe sometimes, one plus one just equals two, you know?â She shrugged, peering at him out of the corner of her eyes. âWhatâre yâgonna do?â she smiled, because she knew that if she didnât she might cry.
He laughed shakily at her, his smile lighting up his face, despite the sorrow in his eyes and she tried to laugh with him but didnât really succeed.
âŠThis was it. She had to make him go now, because if she didnât she was going to ask him to stay. She rocked on her heels for a few moments, trying desperately to get her body to listen to her head rather than her heart, until finally she managed to twist her body and thrust her hand towards the empty space behind them.
A breach sprang to life but Cisco kept his eyes locked on the floor below the railing they were leaning against, as though he was attempting to ignore its existence, when he finally did turn around it was to face her rather than the breach. The sadness in his eyes tore through her gut like a knife, so she smiled sadly at him to try and cover it. He didnât say anything just nodded, knowing without words that she needed him to go before either of them did or said something stupid.
They had to do the right thing.
But then he was walking towards the breach and it just felt so wrong, like something was clawing at her insides. He always kissed her goodbye. No matter how short a visit or how quick a departure; he always, always, kissed her goodbye. âWait!â The word was small, half formed and already out of her mouth before she could stop it.
She rushed forward and grabbed his arm, turning him back towards her. Â She cradled his face between her hands and tilted her head up to press her lips to his. What was only meant to be a peck turned in to a second longer kiss in which she savoured smell of mechanical oil and sweat on his skin, the taste of his lips and feel of his hair between her fingers and even though he didnât really kiss her back, he didnât stop her either, and when she wrapped her arms around him, he wound his own around her waist and pulled her closer.
She felt him duck his head and press his face against her shoulder and she did the same, her sobs muffled by the cotton of his shirt. She ran her hands down over his back, relishing one last time in the firm press of his body against hers, before forcing herself to pull away.
There were tears in his eyes and she lifted her hands to caress his face gently, push his hair back out of the way with the tips of her fingers and trace his cheeks with her thumbs.
Cynthia stroked her hands down his arms and took his hands in her own, all the things sheâd never be able to do again, and finally placed one last gentle peck to his lips.
She untangled one of her hands from his and pressed it against his chest over his heart, wanting to feel the way their powers thrummed together one more timeÂ
Cisco pulled in a shaky breath, tears rolling over his cheeks and tear tracks in their wake. âBye, Cynthia.â
She licked her lips nervously, trying to inhale a steady breath. âBye Cisco.â
She peered up at him through her lashes, surprised to find his earlier forlorn expression replaced with this soft, tender smile that made her stomach flutter then churn in quick succession.
The love, so clear in his eyes, was enough to make her heart beat painfully in her chest. It wasnât the first time heâd looked at her like that, but it was the first time sheâd admitted it to herself that she felt the same away⊠She loved him, she probably always would, and they were connected. She knew from experience that it took more than distance and multiple dimensions to change that.
He looked into her eyes one last time, before turning on his heel and walking through the breach without looking back. It blinked closed behind him and Cynthia stood frozen, watching the space where he disappearedâŠ
Having no idea whether or not sheâd made the right choice, to let him go.
Notes: Well @kitsunewingstar I think I'm officially the worse @csficformal gifter ever :â) Not only was I unable to contact you through this entire event, but I'm also posting a day late. Iâm sorry you didn't get a say in what you were gifted, I really did try to get in touch, but I'm not the best with tumblr. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this little oneshot, its a fluffy moment thatâs been in my head since the S6 finale. I started a little drawing to go with it but you seem to be a much superior artist and I didn't want to embarrass myself :â). Enjoy!!!
Summary: Emma and Killian take a few much needed quiet moments alone after the final battle.Â
Rating: T
Emma was perched on a stool in front of her dressing table hitching the sleeves of the pink satin dress she wore on their first date up her arms and peering over her opposite shoulder towards her husband. âKillian? Can you zip me up?â She pulled her damp hair to one side and grinned at the view of the brief covered backside that she was greeted with before he managed to pull his jeans over his hips.
 âCourse, Love.â He turned and made his way over, fly still undone, and ran his hand gently across her shoulder, thumb dipping beneath the strap of her dress to knead at the tense muscles there, the shower and the heat of the water had eased it somewhat, but she was still stiff from wielding that sword just hours before. She leaned into the touch and let herself fall back against his chest. âYou sure, youâre up to entertaining?â He murmured pressing his lips to her hair.
 They had guests downstairs, her parents, Henry, Regina and Zelena had all come back to their place, still in all their wedding finery, for a makeshift wedding reception. Her mom had insisted, and even though all Emma felt like doing was curling up in her husbandâs arms and staying there for weeks⊠She guessed that further down the line, after a good nightâs sleep and a few of those much needed quiet moments, she might look back and thank her for it.
 âHmmm.â She hummed the affirmative and turned her cheek against the bare skin of his stomach. âI love you.â
Killian smiled softly, in awe with the ease of which she told him that now, and carded his fingers lightly through her hair, which was still slightly damp from her shower. âI love you too.â Emma turned her head further against him, pressing her lips to his skin and nipping at it lightly with her teeth.
He grunted in surprise, clenching his jaw to hide his grin and she giggled against him. Killian lowered himself slowly down to his knees behind the stool sheâd perched herself on, pressing his lips to her neck, her shoulders, her spine, stubble scratching deliciously across her skin, as he went.
 He stopped just below her shoulder blades, where the back of her bra rested, deep wine coloured lace against milky pale skin. âThis is new.â He nosed at the fabric, running his lips over her ribs as he did.
âKillian.â She laughed, a little breathlessly a little giddily, but she couldnât help herself, there was a lot that was getting to her at the moment, things that she only now let herself indulge in, now that the threat of the Black Fairy and her imminent death were no longer a concern.
 She had her whole life ahead of her again, one that she was going to spend with her husband, her family, the fact that she could now call Killian her husband, excited her only slightly less than the fact that heâd now call her his wife.
 Then there were the little things, like the fact that she could call herself âEmma Jonesâ or âEmma Swan-Jonesâ she hadnât quite decided.  She liked that Swan was a name she gave herself, and even now she liked her ten year old selfâs reasoning behind it, but she also like the idea of having a name that was legally hers, hers and Killianâs.
 The whole engagement, non-engagement, portal jumping, re-engagement, top speed wedding planning business, hadnât exactly given her much time to think about it, but either way sheâd have to change her signature⊠the name on all her mail would start changing⊠and where as a year ago⊠hell maybe even six months ago, that would have scared the shit out of her, all she could feel right now was excitement.
 Then there was the fact that she also now seemed to be at a point her relationship where said husband had such intimate knowledge of her underwear selection that he knew and appreciated when she splurged on new stuff⊠ it was a stupid, insignificant thing, but she realised that she actually kinda liked it. âIt is technically my wedding night, the panties match⊠figured Iâd really go all out.â She whispered coyly in way of reply.
 She could feel his smirk and his hot breath against her skin. âI shall make sure to thoroughly enjoy tearing them off you later then.â He murmured, making her jump and gasp when the cold metal of his hook came into contact with her side as he slipped it beneath her dress.
 âNot a chance.â She hissed, biting her lip and waiting for the metal warm against her skin. âI donât think I've ever spent this much on underwear in my life.â Sheâd bought some new stuff when theyâd started getting intimate, something sheâd never bothered with for one night stands⊠but this particular set was more than an Emma that wasnât high on dress shopping ever would have spent on underwear.
 âHmmm.â Killian hummed, a little dejectedly and Emma laughed, but the laugh died in her throat and heat flared deep in her abdomen as he kissed lower down her back, then lower still, tongue darting out against her skin⊠before pulling her zip up with his teeth. Emma groaned, cause God dammit, the black fairy hadnât succeeded, but if he carried on like this, that mouth was going to be the end of her. He chuckled and kissed her neck before standing up. âThere you go, Love.â
 She huffed out a breath âWhy do I feel like weâre doing this whole wedding night thing in reverse.â
 He laughed quietly and murmured huskily against her lips. âTrust me, Darling, Iâd much rather be undressing you.â
 Emma wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back just as enthusiastically, pressing herself flush against his chest in an attempt to get closer, but the muscles in his shoulders were stiff and he winced when she hugged him a little too tight, so she loosened her hold and ran a hand up her chest. âSore?â
 âAye.â He huffed out. âApparently Iâm not as young as I used to be.â
She grinned mischievously. âWhat? You mean like two hundred?â
 âHa ha.â He deadpanned, rolling his left shoulder back to try and ease the ache there.
 She brushed his shirt to the side and tried to ease her fingers beneath the straps of his brace and failing. They both winced, him in pain and her in sympathy, the skin around it was an angry shade of red and rubbed raw, ideally he should have taken it off, but she knew he wouldnât, even around friends and family.
 âYouâve got this far too tight, babe.â She pulled on the worn leather strap that circled his shoulder, undoing the buckle and loosening it a couple of notches, before moving onto the one on his bicep. âBetter?â
 âBetter.â He smiled down at her tenderly, tucking her hair behind her ear. She ran her hands over his chest, and raked her nails through his chest hair as she did, before giving him a taste of his own medicine and pulling both sides of his shirt together to button it up
 He groaned in protest, turning his face into her neck, and she laughed, cradling the back of his head in her hand and rocking with him side to side.
 There was a flash of light, and both Emma and Killian turned to find Snow, camera in hand and pulled up to her face. She smiled guiltily at them, winding on the film in her camera, and pointing it back at them.  âCuddle up you two. I need to catch up on wedding photos â
 Emma rolled her eyes. âMom.â She laughed, but gave in to the tug of Killianâs hand on her waist. He pulled her to his side, and wrapped his arm around her, posing for the photo with his lips pressed to her temple.
 One photo became two, and then a third and a forth, but Emma humoured her, smiling until her cheeks ached, all the while trying not to react as Killian ran a hand over her ass and squeezed.
 She gripped the offending hand in her own and pulled it back up to her waist, watching out of the corner of her eye as his lips turned up in a devilish smirk. âJackass.â She muttered through her teeth, just loud enough for him to hear, and smiling as her mom took another photo.
 He chuckled, spinning her around and dipping her low the way he had at their wedding and she squealed, scrambling to grip the back of his neck, as he muffled the sound with his lips.
 Another flash, another photo, and Emma tucked her chin up and pulled her lips away, batting his chest playfully and pulling herself upright. âAlright.â She laughed. âThatâs enough.â She felt giddy, almost drunk on happiness and relief.
 She was safe, and the final battle was won.
 She wasnât naive enough to think life would be plain sailing from now on, this was Storybrooke, there was always going to be some drama or another. But right now she was feeling more optimistic than she ever had. This most recent alternate reality (Damn, she really needed to start labelling these things) had given her some clarity.
 Her life was so different than it was when Henry first brought her to Storybrooke, she could hardly remember a time when having family dinner with Snow White and Prince Charming, and kissing Captain Hook had sounded crazy⊠but it wasnât just the fairy tales that had been beyond her imagination.
 The simple things, like having a family, a dad that made her breakfast and a mom that made up wedding binders. Her son, her little boy, whoâd sheâd resigned herself over a decade ago to never see again, coming over and playing video games on her couch and eating her Pop tarts.
 Her boyfriend⊠No, Husband, god was she ever gonna get used to that? Who supported and loved her, in a way sheâd never even thought was possible. Her loveable dork, who still couldnât figure out how to work the âpicture box.â Who took her on dates, held open doors for her and brought her flowers, just because.
 Sheâd never believed sheâd have any of this. Sheâd lived her life so long, alone, walls up and never letting anyone close. She wasnât sure how sheâd thought her life would pan out, but being a mother, a daughter, a wife, had certainly never been a part of it.
 One thing was for sure though; she wouldnât have it any other way.
Hi there @endlessmoonrise!!! Iâm your gifter for the Captain Swan Spring Fic Formal! Iâm so glad to share this story with you and I really hope you like it :) Here it is!
Summary: 4x02Â âdeletedâ scene. After nearly freezing to death in that ice cave, Emma seeks warmth and comfort with Killian.
Emma Swan mused that spring was her favorite season now.
@nerdyhuntress Amazing!!! Aww man, I love it so much!! Sorry Iâve taken so long to respond, I read it this morning (it was such a lovely surprise to wake up to!!) but didnât want to respond until I had time to do it properly. Thank you so much, youâre such a good writer, you captured this moment perfectly and the ending is so so sweet!! I look forward to discovering any other gems you come up with, past or future! âșïž
Sorry for the wait! My week's gone well, thanks. Just 4 weeks left before final exams. What about yours? Almost done with your 4x02 oneshot :) I hope you enjoy it! When would you like me to post it?
Iâm terrible, I totally forgot I hadn't replied to this. I hope your final exams and all your preparation for them goes well. My weekâs been average, boring work, and little sis has been off school ill so I've been looking after her. I'm sure I will love it, and you post it when you're ready. I'm happy to wait however long you need :)Â
Sorry for the wait! I'll write one for 4x02, because I love it so much too :) It's so adorable and heartwarming. Spoilers are definitely exciting. I can't wait to see that episode! It feels so strange to finally be excited for an OUAT episode. It's been so long. And that is just so ADORABLE! I bet your sister will be so happy :)
Hi again! Iâm sure itâll be wonderful, I'm really excited for it. Gimme all of the 4x02 one shots!!! I've actually just watched the episode today, The little sis and I are having a rewatch while she's off for the easter holidays. Sheâs starting to suspect that Emma is coming back, she mentioned it and i tried to shrug it off, so weâll see :â) Howâs your week been? :)
No worries, I get it. I'm on spring break and I feel super busy too. I'd love to do something about 4x02! The scene where they're cuddling and it's really adorable :) Would that be ok? That's one of my favorite scenes they've had, because they're just so cute together where he's holding her and all. And I get it. Season 7's not as exciting anymore without Captain Swan, imo. Did you hear the news about Jen? And the filming spoilers? I just about fainted LOL. Can't wait for the series finale :)
I would love something set around 4x02, i love that ep so much, Iâve written snippets for it too and id love to see your take on it. i am all about the filming spoilers. My friend doesn't get it, but in my opinion spoilers are just as exciting as the actual thing... I've kept Jenâs return a secret from my little sister though, in the hopes of being able to see her reaction to Emmaâs return when we watch the series finale :))
No worries, I get it! I take the bus like everyday so I get you. Just curious, what do you mean by "deleted scenes"? Like expanding upon them? Just want to make sure :) What are some of your favorite CS moments? Are you watching season 7 of OUAT?
Hi! Sorry for the late reply, I had a busy weekend away. I guess I mean like continuations of scenes or things that could have happened between episodes or in the six quiet weeks... My favourite moments change all the time and I like each of them for different reasons, but obviously thereâs the CS movie, I loved 4x02 and there reunion when Zeus sent Killian back, those tend to always be up there... and i am watching season 7 ( i watch with my little sister and OUAT has always been our âthingâ) though I'm not as enthusiastic about it as i used to be.Â
HI there!!!! So sorry for the late reply but I'm your CS Spring Fic Formal Gifter! How are you doing? I hope you're well :) I would LOVE to write you a fanfic! What tropes do you like? What genre/setting? I'd love to hear more from you!
Hey! Donât worry about it! Iâm just really glad to hear from you. Iâm as good as can be considering Iâm five hours into a seven hour bus journey rn đ what about you? iâll love just about any story, so if inspiration strikes, you go for it, although I am partial to âdeleted scenesâ those tend to be my favourites. Speak to you soon!
Apologies on the belay, but hereâs the third (and final) round-up of story updates and artwork for the Captain Swan Little Bang! The first two round ups can be found here and here, and past round-ups from the last Big Bang can be found here.
Thank you everyone for participating, reading, following along, and reblogging!
This is the Third round-up for the 2018 Little Bang!
February 20th through February 28th:
A Matter of Choice by @katealexandra26
Artwork by @cocohook38
The Process of Peer Review by @emmaswanchoosesyou
Artwork by @treluna2
A Little Bit More by @endlessmoonrise
Artwork by @gingerchangeling
Do Pirates Dream of Electric Swans? by @onceuponataarna
Artwork by @youre-not-a-cat-youre-a-rat and Artwork by @hencethebravery
The Treasure of Captain Hook by @onthecyberseas
Artwork by @fairytalesandtimetravel and Artwork by @ladyciaramiggles
The Fox and the Hound by @awkwardnessandbaseball
Artwork 1 and 2 by @captainswanandclintasha
Should I Stay or Should I Go? by @distant-rose
Artwork by @shipsxahoy
Along Came You by @writemyanchor
Artwork by @liloproductions
Spring in the Valley of Death by @the-reason-to-sail-home
Artwork by @prongsie
Something Borrowed, Something Blue. Somethingâs Cursed - What Else is New? by @jarienn972
Artwork by @fairytalesandtimetravel
Baskets and Bouquets by @best-left-hook-jones
Artwork by @ladyciaramiggles and Artwork 1, 2, and 3 by @captainodonoghue
image created by @spartanguard for her story listed below.
to @high-seas-swan and @galadriel26 for their adorable obsession with tessa and scott and to @best-left-hook-jones, @awkwardnessandbaseball, @distant-rose, @rouhn and @endlessmoonrise for making me glued to my screen with their cslb stories.Â
(mostly) Figure Skating AUs
Almost Believing, This Oneâs Not Pretend by @welllpthisishappening
They donât grow up skating together. They donât even want to start skating together. But then life happens and they kind of need each other and maybe that sentence means a lot more than either one of them are willing to admit at first. Or ever. So they keep skating and, sometimes, winning and, always, ignoring the questions. There are a lot of questions. Because how could two people have so much chemistry on the ice when theyâre just partners?
#FrostJones by @katie-dubâ
Ice dancing duo Killian Jones and Elsa Frost barely made the cut for the PyeongChang Olympics after a disaster at the World Championships that left them without a coach. Enter Emma âThe Saviourâ Swan, their new coach who might just help to add a little magic to their routines.
Holding the Edge by @welllpthisishappening
Killian Jones does not want the questions. He doesnât want the interviews or the spotlight or the sky-high expectations.
The world, however, does not seem to care. The world, after all, loves a good comeback story. And Killian Jones is one heck of a comeback story. With his eyes on gold. And maybe slightly gold'ish hair and green eyes and, yeah, maybe heâs got some questions of his own.
chasing gold by @spartanguardâ
Emma Swan is a pairs skater whoâs been dumped by her partner, dashing her Olympic dreams. Killian Jones hasnât had a partner in several years, the heartbreak of his last dying in his arms too much to bear. Maybe what they both need is a fresh start together. And who knows, maybe theyâll make a great teamâone who can take gold in PyeongChang.
The PyeongChang Triple by @welllpthisishappening
Itâs the Olympics. The. Olympics. And Emmaâs running out of post-it notes to write schedules and plans on and there are more games and more expectations and not enough time for any of it. Sheâs fine. Totally. Absolutely. If she could just sleep. Or stop feeling as if her knees are going to give out every time she stands up. Or get Ruby to stop staring at her like that. Itâs fine. After all Killian Jones, captain of Team USA, keeps promising it will be.
Theyâre fine. Theyâre going to win. Together.
Pair Spin by @lenfaz Â
 âOne is a hockey player and the other a figure skater fighting over who has the ice rink for the afternoon.â
The Journey to Gold and p.2 by @searchingwardrobes
Emma is 9 and Killian is 12 when they are forced together as pairs partners. Just a little ficlet of our babies growing up together as pairs figure skaters. Inspired by watching the Winter Olympics, of course.
pool drabble by @kittennharington
Sheâs never been one to let pressure get to her, but there is something about being on display for the entire world to see.
âI do believe the pool is closed, Swan.â
more at masterlist
Road trip AUs | doctors masterlist | superheroes | dark hook/princess emma | cs + Radio | thief!killian | unplanned pregnancy | Time Travel AUs
*Clears Throat* âAhhh... you seem to have accidentally included little old me in the list of some amazing (and far, far superior) writers.â (Seriously though, you have no idea how happy this little mention made me) iâll definitely be giving these a look when I get some time!
Notes: And here it is! My Captain Swan fanfiction debut. (And Tumblr debut, you can thank @distant-rose for walking me through posting step by step since I'm hopeless) Iâd like to say a big thank you to @captainswanbigbang and to everyone who was a part of CSLB, you were all amazing and so so supportive, it was so great to be a part of this experience with you all! Iâve had a busy few weeks but Iâm off now and I fully intend to immerse myself in all your fabulous work!
Iâd also like to say an extra thank you to @givemelovelikecs for being my beta, for keeping me right and cheering me on. And also to @gingerchangeling for not only bringing this story to life with her artwork (here) but for also being the third pair of eyes this story needed to keep from totally embarrassing me.
Summary:Â Emma Swan doesn't have a great track record when it comes to relationships. And now, fresh out of prison and with a baby in her arms, the opposite sex is really the last thing on her mind. At least until Killian Jones. He becomes her most loyal and trusted friend, but Emma's unsure if friendship will be enough for him. Or for her. Will she be brave enough to risk her heart again? And how will things change when they find themselves amongst the meddling folks of Storybooke, Maine?
Rating: T
Word Count: 14,900+
Also on AO3
Winter 2002
In retrospect, the day she met Killian Jones had to have been the unluckiest day of Emma Swanâs life to date. Not in major ways, mind you, but in regards to smaller misfortunes, December 6th was definitely up there. It was the day Emma decided that despite the common belief, bad things did not in fact happen in threes, they came by the freaking bus load, one after the other after the other in the crappiest game of dominos ever.
When theyâd met sheâd been the epitome of a frazzled teenage mom, her hair had been pulled up in a messy bun that wasnât so much a deliberate messy bun as it was a greasy matt that hadnât been brushed in two days⊠maybe three days? Sheâd been dressed in ill fitting thrift store clothes and spit up and had smelled rather unpleasantly of sour milk. Henry had been screaming, her breast pads had been leaking⊠Basically she was just in desperate need of a shower and a lie down.
All in all, it wasnât the best first impression she could have given.
Sure, the two of them (three if you included her three month old son) had been trapped in a broken down elevator, so she hadnât really had much choice in the matter, but if she had, she would have made sure sheâd showered beforehand.
Most guys would have turned the other way, turned their nose up at her, maybe even laughed at her behind her back, but Killian had done none of those things. Heâd taken the whole single mom meltdown in his stride, and been nothing but supportive while she wavered between wanting to curl up and hide, or slam her walls up a mile high and bite back that she didnât need anyoneâs help.
Not many people knew how to handle her. Hell, sometimes she didnât even know how to handle herself, but even from that first day, it was as if Killian Jones had found some sort of Emma Swan manual in the restricted section of the library. He knew when to push her and when she needed space, and later he knew the difference between PMS and when she was just plain pissed. He infuriated her and irritated her, and everything in between⊠but he also slowly became one of her best friends, one of her only friends.
He lived on the floor above hers but as time went on he slowly started to spend more and more time in her apartment, in her life in general. First it was to help her tidy her place ready for a visit from a social worker that would put Professor Snape to shame, the next time he brought pizza.
After that it was a movie night here, a duvet day there, he babysat Henry when she had to work and became more and more of a permanent fixture in her life, and after a while, Emma found she wasnât sure she could imagine life without him.
It wasn't a purposeful thing, she didnât plan for it to happen. If she had seen it happening, she probably would have ran in the opposite direction, but heâd snuck up on her, like a stray puppy, like Sandy in the musical Annie. Heâd followed the orphan home and now sheâd grown too fond of him to shake him off.
Killian wasnât a puppy, it didnât escape her notice that he was in fact a rather attractive, British guy. Tall, dark, handsome, a stubbled jaw and smoldering blue eyes, He was the whole deal⊠but that was beside the point. She couldnât go there, she didnât have the time, the energy, or the heart to do another relationship, and potentially another heartbreak.
Things with Henryâs father⊠with Neal, had left her so broken, she wasnât sure she could ever put the pieces back together. Heâd taken her trust, her love, her virginity⊠and she wasnât sure if it ever even meant anything to him, she never would⊠Heâd abandoned her, heâd left her pregnant, not that heâd known that, and left her to get arrested and go to prison⊠She wasnât sure, when (or even if) she would ever completely get over it.
However, despite her doubts, over the months sheâd known Killian, sheâd grown to trust him, she trusted him with her son, with the location of her emergency $10, with the spare key to her apartment, but what she didnât⊠what she couldnât trust him with, was her heart
Summer 2003
âPrincess Bride? Again?â He sighed, reaching over her for the tv remote and snatching it of the arm of the couch. âI swear Iâve seen this movie more times since we met than I did in my entire twenty one years of life before that.â
âKillian!â She protested playfully clambering up to try and take it from him. âItâs my night to pick the movie!â
âThen pick a different one!â He held it out of reach of her grabby hands. âItâs hardly âpickingâ if itâs the same one every other week.â Emma bit her lip, laughing quietly as she made a grab for it, but he was too quick, lifting a leg to block her advance with his shin. âYou know, for someone who hates love stories you sure have a weird choice of favourite movie.â
â...Yeah.â She said hesitantly. âWell, love stories are kinda ruined for me soâŠâ It surprised her sometimes, the little things he knew about her, like her favourite colour, yellow. Or that she liked cinnamon on her cocoa⊠Her fondness for bear claws, or that she prefered onion rings over fries with her grilled cheese⊠Damn she had to stop letting him feed her.
He found her taste in movies left a lot to be desired. She could tell he was a romantic at heart, where he would smile when the couple finally got together, she usually turned her nose up at it. She just couldnât bring herself to believe in the sappy stories with their perfect Prince Charmings and true love and happily ever afters. As far as she was concerned, it didnât exist, none of it. People werenât perfect, they were flawed and scarred, some were bad by circumstance and some people were just dicks. Thatâs just the way life was.
âHey.â He said softly, giving her a reassuring smile, that she couldnât help but feel right down to her bones. âDonât let one arse get you down love⊠He obviously didnât realise what he had while he had it.â She smiled shyly at him, the corner of her lip tilting upward. âOther than your questionable taste in films, youâre actually pretty decent.â
She laughed and kicked at him playfully, curling her toes up when he tried to steal her sock. âJust play the damn movie.â
He smirked at her and pointed the remote at the TV. âAs you wish.â
âŠ
Killian was great with Henry, even when theyâd first met, trapped in that elevator, heâd been a natural. He had a one and a half year old (âAlmost two, Swan!â) nephew that he adored, he had pictures of him in his wallet, and no doubt his drawings stuck to his fridge. (After heâd brought them over for her to see of course.)
Emma had no problem with leaving Henry with him while she worked or napped or showered. God, the first time sheâd done that she hadnât realised just how great a feeling it was to shower without Henryâs bouncer propped up in the corner, to be able to wash her hair without the constant fear of him starting to fuss before she had the chance to rinse it.
Yeah, Killian was good with Henry, and Henry liked him. Sometimes Emma was convinced the kid liked him more than her, but Killian assured her that was the sleep deprivation talking.
He became her right hand man when it came to single motherhood, the voice of reason on the days when she questioned her decision to keep Henry at all, and she did question it.
This hadnât been the plan. The plan had been for social services to find him a nice little family who would love him and wouldnât have to skip their own dinner just to afford to keep a roof over his head and his formula.
But from the moment sheâd held him in her arms sheâd been lost, or maybe that wasnât the right phrase⊠she had been lost, but with Henry it was as though she found home⊠Either way, sheâd been completely and utterly gone for him, her little boy with his big eyes and chubby cheeks. Sheâd told social services she couldnât go through with the adoption, and it was the single most selfish thing sheâd ever done.
And yeah, maybe he would have had a better life with someone else. Maybe his clothes wouldnât have been secondhand and his toys wouldnât have been something his mom had found at the Goodwill. But God did she love her kid, more than sheâd ever thought possible.
Coming home to him at the end of her shifts, it made her dead end job worth doing.
âŠ
Sometimes when she returned home from work late at night she took a second glance at the elevator as she passed it on her way to the stairs. After a night of mixing drinks, pulling pints, and trying to politely turn down each of the drunken men that attempted to hit on her. She was more than ready to curl up on her couch and cuddle her little boy, the only guy she had room for in her life. But the memories of being stuck inside the dirty, piss scented metal box, were enough to make her pass by untempted.
She trudged up the stairs sleepily, passed the damp, peeling wallpaper and graffitied obscenities in the hallway, busying herself with her keys as she passed her less than savory neighbor John Willock in the hallway, and ignoring the bitter mutterings he made about her and Henry as he scowled and pulled his coat higher against his neck.
She reached her apartment and turned her key in the lock, an instant smile gracing her lips as she was greeted by a giggling Henry.
Killian looked up at her briefly when the door opened, smiling warmly at her before turning his attention back to her son. Henry was sat on his lap, and Killian was leaning against the foot of the couch, surrounded by toys and an obnoxiously coloured play mat. He was supporting Henry with the tops of his thighs and holding his little hands in his, bringing them up to his mouth and pretending to nibble at them. âNom.â Henryâs mouth broke into a wide grin. âNomâ Killian turned his head closer to Henryâs fingers, grinning himself as he did. Henry giggled. âNom, nom, nom, nom!â Henry squealed and laughed happily as Killian rubbed his scruff gently against Henryâs hands.
Killian laughed along with him as her son patted his face, trying to get a repeat performance, and Emma watched on fondly, smiling softly at the sight. Killian lifted Henry and turned him in his lap to face the door instead. âMamaâs home!â He cooed.
Henry squealed and held out his arms for her so she swooped down to pick him up and lifted him high in the air. âHi baby!â She smiled widely at him and he smiled his gummy smile right back at her. Emma ducked her head to nuzzle her nose against Henryâs tummy, but regretted it instantly when he gripped two fistfuls of her hair and tugged. This was why she always wore her hair up while she was home. She hissed and Killian jumped up to pry the sticky fingers gently from her hair.
She brought Henry back down to eyelevel and pursed her lips at him, as Killian pulled her hair back behind her shoulders to save it from another attack. âThanks.â She smiled, balancing Henry on her hip and looking back over her shoulder at him, leaning away from Henryâs grabby hands as he tried to procure her glasses.
Killian smiled softly at her. âNot a problem, Swan. Heâs a pleasure, as always.â
âHmm.â Emma hummed softly in amusement, they both knew Henry could be a little terror if he put his mind to it. Tonight was a good night, and he was getting better as he got older, but Emma wouldnât soon forget the colicky newborn sheâd had to contend with in those first months. The sleepless nights spent trying to soothe him, the tears shed when she was just at a complete loss over what to do.
âYou want to go shower before I head home?â Killian smirked, raising an eyebrow, knowing full well that she wouldnât turn him down.
âYouâre a lifesaver, you know that?â She said against his cheek as she kissed it, shifting Henry between them so Killian could take him
âMmhmm.â He grinned cheekily. âPeople certainly seem to think so.â Emma rolled her eyes at him, but was unable to quell the resulting smirk
Fall 2003
Emma was just finishing screwing on the top of Henryâs bottle when her Pop Tarts jumped out of the toaster, she grinned smugly to herself at her impeccable timing and twisted in her small kitchen to retrieve a plate from her cupboard.
Her front door opened suddenly and she turned on her heel again to watch Killian walk through her door with a face like thunder. He dropped down on her couch, ran a frustrated hand through his hair, and sighed heavily. Emma tossed her breakfast down on her plate and held them up. âPop Tart?â She chirped. Killian pulled a face and shook his head. âRight, you donât do this amount of sugar this early in the morning. Huh?â
Killianâs lips reluctantly turned up in a fond smile. âFirst, Iâm not sure I do that amount of sugar, ever. And second, you do realise itâs almost one in the afternoon.â He laughed. Emma waved a hand dismissively, walking over to sit beside him.
âWhatâs up?â She asked softly, squeezing his knee gently as she leaned down to pull Henry out of his bouncer.
âMy hot waterâs broken.â He muttered.
âAgain?â Emma asked incredulously, it seemed like it was only last week that the landlord had finally listened and gotten it fixed the last time.
âHmm.â He huffed, dejectedly. âItâs not just the water, itâs this whole place! The damp and the graffitti, the broken glass in the hallways, which smell more and more strongly of piss everyday⊠criminals live in better conditions.â
She grimaced, that she could attest to, her cell back in phoenix had been cleanerâŠ
She wasnât entirely sure how to cheer him up - this wasnât even the second time his hot water had been off. The day theyâd met heâd been on the way home from taking a shower at a friendâs. She could offer her shower for him to use, but she was pretty sure that went without saying by now. She lifted Henry towards him and her son cooed, holding up his chubby little hands towards him.
Killian smiled again, it was pretty impossible not to smile back at Henry when he smiled at you, taking him from her and hugging him to his chest. Henry laid his head on Killianâs shoulder with more understanding than any 10 month old Emma knew, and patted his arm gently. âWe deserve better, donât we lad?â Killian sighed softly, pressing his nose to her sonâs downy hair. âAll three of us⊠but especially you.â He peered over Henryâs head and smiled softly at her. âAnd you, Love.â
Emma smiled and leaned to lay her head on his other shoulder, pulling her glasses off when they were knocked askew at the movement. He turned his head to press a kiss to the top of her head and Emmaâs stomach fluttered despite how hard she tried to stop it.
Sheâd been through this, done the whole teenage crush thing, and acted like an idiot over a man. Sheâd felt the flutters, and swooned when the guy complimented her. She remembered the signs of falling for someone, but it didnât necessarily mean she knew how to keep herself from doing it.
âŠ
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Emma always thought that saying was bullshit.
Her parents had been absent her whole life and she found that as time went on she disliked  them all the more for it. The same went for Lily and finally for Neal, slowly the good memories began to fade and warp, and left only the bitter betrayal behind.
The same couldnât be said however for Killian Jones. Once a month he went to visit his brother in Maine, he was never gone more than a week, and most of the time it was just a weekend trip. He texted her while he was away and sometimes he even called - there was really no reason for her to miss him when he was gone, but she did.
She missed having someone to talk to during the evening, having someone to watch her favourite shows with. She even missed the infuriating way heâd sing along or recite the theme songs and openings to said shows, blocking her arms with his as she playfully tried to beat him into silence. She missed calling him a dork.
Things felt off kilter when he was gone now, and it got worse each time. Sheâd gotten used to having him around, offering her a helping hand, a reassuring word when everything seemed to get on top of her. Like when Henry was teething and screaming himself hoarse in the middle of the night, the way he was now.
She dragged a hand through her hair, exhausted, and probably pulling a disgusting mix of sweat, baby saliva and teething gel through it as she did. âI know, I know, Kid⊠It hurts.â She bounced Henry in her arms, rocking and pacing the length of her living room, and screwing her eyes shut against the tears stinging behind her eyes.
She felt too hot, her thoughts felt scattered, and her head was pounding. Usually the teething gel helped, it calmed him down, but it had been nearly an hour and sheâd given him medicine and nothing seemed to be working⊠And for fuckâs sake her neighbour banging on her wall wasnât fucking helping!
She threw one of Henryâs toys against the wall with a frustrated scream. âShut up!!â She sobbed. The toy thudded to the floor pathetically and Henry stuttered in a breath, his cheeks bright red and tracked in tears, before letting out the shrillest scream yet.
Emma shifted Henry in her arms so he was upright instead of cradled, she pressed her nose to his temple and cupped the back of his head. âShhh, Baby. Mamaâs got you⊠Itâll stop hurting soon, I promise.â
He whimpered pitifully, pressing his wet cheeks and drool covered chin to her chest. Killian would be back tomorrow, and even though he probably wouldnât know what to do anymore than she did, knowing that heâd be around, that she wouldnât be alone, made things seem that bit less daunting.
There was an angry pounding on her door that made Emma jump and she backed away from it instinctively, holding Henry that bit closer. It was after two in the morning, so the only people it could be were angry neighbors and it didnât take three guesses for Emma to figure out which one.
She ignored it at first, there wasnât much she could do, and she didnât fancy answering the door in an old tshirt and shorts, but the banging continued and Emma was pretty sure that was a boot not a fist. She could hear the wood of her front door cracking against the force and knew that if she didnt do something soon she wouldnât have a door to open.
âHey!â The man bellowed. âOpen up!â Emma had taken a few steps closer to the door, but at the tone of his voice she stepped back again. âOpen this fucking door!â There was a slur to his words that made her uneasy. If he was sober Emma would have bet that heâd shout himself out before storming back off to his apartment, maybe he would have filed a noise complaint⊠but drunk⊠Emma wasnât entirely sure how far John Willock would go to confront her.
Perhaps if she faced him, now while she still had a door to put between them, she could apologise and talk him downâŠ
She hurried to place Henry down. If she was gonna do this she didnât want him anywhere close. Placing him down in the corner of the couch, she barricaded him in quickly with cushions. He screamed and held out his arms for her as she straightened up and walked away, and when she finally reached the door again, she tugged her oversized shirt down to cover herself better and slid the chain bolt securely into place before cracking the door open.
It jumped open quickly as a result of one last kick, before catching on the chain and thankfully holding. She peered into the hallway, looking up to meet the eyes of John Willock- a plump, middle aged man with greying hair. She could smell the alcohol from where she stood, but even if she couldnât have, he was still dressed as if heâd just returned home and his cheeks were flushed, eyes unfocused.
âMr Willock,â she murmured in greeting. âIâm sorry if heâs woken you up,â She knew fine well that he hadnât been anywhere near his bed recently, but she just wanted him to leave.
He pressed his leering face close to hers in the crack between the door and the frame, his breath hot and putrid.
âI knew you and that little brat were bad news the second you moved in,â he spat.
Emma turned her face away, pushing her shoulder and hands against the door. âIâm sorry,â she said again, choosing to ignore the bitter remark. âIâm trying to settle him⊠Heâs teething,â she added.
âI donât care if heâs on deathâs door.â He barked. âShut him up!â
Emma recoiled, deciding that facing him was the wrong thing to do and wanting to close her door again. She pushed against it to try and close the gap but he was too strong.
âI think you should go home.â She tried to make her voice sound firm but it jumped into a shrill panic when he kicked the door again and the chain was yanked out of her rotten door frame as the wood splintered under the force.
Emma pushed all of her weight against the door, planting her feet and willing her heart to ease its hammering beat against her chest.
âGet out of my doorway!â she shouted, not even trying to cover the panic now, and she seemed to gain a little ground, but then he jammed his foot in the gap, making sure she couldnât close the door.
âIâll call the cops.â She threatened. Sheâd say anything to keep him out of her home and away from Henry.
âHey!â Another voice came from down the hall. Emma instantly recognised it as Killianâs and relief flooded through her system..
âKillian!â She cried.
âEmma!â He called back, the worry and alarm in his tone audible even over the roar of blood in her ears. But Willock gave one last shove and, distracted by Killianâs miraculous arrival, Emmaâs grip slipped. The edge of the door swung inward sharply, colliding with her forehead.
Pain flared through her head and she cried out, falling to the floor clutching her face. As she desperately tried to keep the door from swinging open anymore, but the force pushing it suddenly vanished. Then she heard someone's body hit the wall.
âWhat the bloody fuck do you think youâre doing mate?â came Killianâs snarl.
âShe canât learn to control the goddamn bastard, perhaps she should have kept her legs shut!â came Willockâs drunken sneer before she heard the sound of rushing steps followed by a second grunt of pain.
The sound of flesh colliding with flesh was enough to get her to push herself up onto her feet. She gave another sob, trying to pull breath into her lungs as she staggered to the door and out into the hallway. Her vision was blurry, but she couldnât decide whether or not that was from the knock to her head or the fact that her glasses were no longer on her face.
Killian was pulling her neighbour up by the collar of his shirt before he gave him a hard shove back towards his own door.
âAttacking a bloody woman, fucking bad form mate,â he growled as the man attempted to regain his balance.
âKillian,â she murmured, stumbling forward and gripping the back of his leather jacket, half to hold him back and half to steady herself as her head spun.
Unable to get his feet under him, John bounced off the wall and slid down onto the floor. As he hit the carpet with a muffled thump, he tipped his head up to look at them, squinting against the hallway lights and laughing bitterly, âAnd now sheâs got you over and is spreading her legs for you every other night. Itâs not long before thereâs another little shit screaming all hours of the morning.â
Killian looked as though he wanted to punch the guy again, and Emma pulled weekly on his arm. âKillian⊠donât.â She pleaded, tripping over her feet and into him.
He turned to catch her, and his eyes widened as they moved over her face. âShit, Emma!â Immediately, John was forgotten as he focused all his attention on her bloody face.
He stooped down to eye level, hands hovering hesitantly over her face for a few seconds before he bent down even further and scooped her up.
He carried her into her apartment, kicking her door shut with his foot, and placed her down on her kitchen counter. He rifled through her kitchen drawers and Emma suddenly remembered that her son was still laying and screaming, unsupervised on the couch.
â...Henry.â She murmured, pushing herself down off the counter to go get him.
âEmma!â Killian lunged to grab her wrist and held her still, pressing something to her head. It hurt and she tried to lean away but her back collided with the counter. âEmma youâre bleeding,â he said firmly, ignoring her efforts to turn her head away and pressing what she now realised was a teatowel to her forehead.
âHenry,â she protested. He turned to look over at where Henry was squirming on the couch and took her hand and pressed it against her head to hold the towel in place.
âIâll get him.â He said softly, lifting her by the waist to sit back down on the countertop. âNow sit still, Love.â
He went and retrieved Henry, bouncing him in his arms. âThose teeth still giving you bother, Â Lad?â Henry quietened slightly at the new face, but began crying anew just a few seconds later.
Killian eased Henry onto her lap and she hugged him to her with the hand that wasnât holding the tea towel to her head. She wanted her baby close, she wanted to be able to feel his weight in her arms and smell his baby shampoo. When Killian did take the towel from her, and she found her hand coated in blood, she stared at it as it shook, feeling dizzy and her stomach churning.
Killian took the hand by the wrist and dragged it down over his chest, wiping it on his shirt so she could hold Henry with it.
It felt as though they were in the kitchen for hours, but it couldnât have been more than a half hour. Killian, to her utter disbelief, managed to find a teether in the back of her freezer and slowly Henryâs cries softened as he gnawed on it.
Killian was stood practically between her legs, watching her in concern and pushing her hair back out of her face  âI thought you werenât home until tomorrow.â She whispered, eyes still closed against the pounding in her skull.
He tucked her hair behind her ear, cupping her cheek in his hand and she leaned into it. âIt technically is tomorrow, Lass.â
Emma swayed forward so that they were chest to chest. âI missed you.â She murmured.
âI think I should take you to the hospital.â He said, his voice still soft, almost like a lullaby.
âNo!â She said quickly, leaning back, her brain felt as though it was swirling in her head, and tears welled in her eyes, one of which was starting to swell shut. âPlease Killian, donât take me there.â She didnât do hospitals, not unless it was for Henryâs sake. It was filled with memories of lonely prenatal appointments, she could still feel the bite of handcuffs around her ankle during examinations⊠during the birthâŠ
He sighed. âAlright! Alright, Love.â He wrapped an arm around her and pressed a kiss to her head. âBut youâre staying with me tonight, itâs not safe here, your front doorâs ruined.â Emma dropped her head to his chest and nodded in agreement, letting the tears fall.
âŠ
Killian had carried Henry and guided her up the flight of stairs to his floor, and then down the hallway to his apartment. In the seven months theyâd known each other, sheâd never been up to his apartment, it was easier for him to come to her, instead of her dragging all of Henryâs things around.
She lay on his bed as he tended to Henry, feeling too dizzy to so much as raise her head. Killian had set up the travel cot in his living room since it was the only spot big enough, and she listened as he sang softly to Henry in the other room, settling him down to sleep.
Emma curled up on top of his comforter, pulling one of his pillows up to her chest and pressing her nose into the cotton. It smelt like his hair, like shampoo and something distinctly Killian. She closed her eyes and focused on it, letting it calm her and slow her racing heart.
She was still shaky and shivery and she gripped the cover of the pillow to try and stop it, but Johnâs callous remarks played on repeat in her head and as much as she tried to banish them to the back of her mind, they just wouldnât go.
She didnât sleep around, Neal was her first, and there hadnât been anyone since⊠And sheâd loved him, but every time she thought back there was a nagging feeling in the back of her head, she started doubting herself and she started wondering if, at least in the beginning, she slept with him for the right reasons.
Heâd never forced her into anything, and theyâd messed around a lot before their first time. Thereâd been times where sheâd told him to stop, and he had, but she couldnât help but feel like like he was a bit⊠exasperated by it.
Back then, Neal had been everything to her, heâd made his way past all her walls, and sheâd let her guard down, let herself depend on him.They had a good thing going, she was warm, safe, she wasnât hungry or lonely, she had a roof over her head, albeit a car one⊠The idea of him leaving had terrified her, so the next time sheâd felt that uncertainty, sheâd ignored it. You were supposed to be nervous the first time⊠right?
Looking back, she knew it was for all the wrong reasons. In the end it hadnât kept him around⊠and she was ashamed of herself, she should have kept her legs shut.
â...Hey,â came Killianâs soft voice.
She jumped, she hadnât heard him come in, hadnât even felt him sit down on the bed beside her. âHere. For your head.â He tipped some tablets into her palm, and helped her sit up enough to swallow them with a gulp of water. âAnd here.â
He lifted an icepack towards her. âKillian.â She whined, turning her head away.
âItâll help with the swelling, Emma. If you hadnât been bleeding so bad I would have gotten one earlier.â He persevered, pressing the pack gently to her head. She groaned and lay back down, head in his lap, she would have rolled her eyes if it didnât hurt so much. âIâm assuming you have a headache, but anything else?.. You feeling sick? Blurred vision?â
âI donât have my glasses on, so yeah.â She deadpanned. He huffed out a laugh, more air than sound and brushed her hair back off her forehead. âWhere are my glasses?â She frowned. He froze in his ministrations and Emma sensed that bad news was coming. âKillian?...â She said hesitantly. He sighed, lifting to reach inside the pocket of his jeans and pulling out a fist, he opened his palm to reveal her glasses, in two separate parts.
She sat up suddenly, swinging her legs over the edge of the bed and ignoring the sickening lurch in her head, she snatched the pieces from him to inspect them. One of the legs had snapped clean off and one of the lenses had shattered, they were beyond repair. She screwed her eyes shut and bit her lip the keep it from quivering.
âHave you got a spare pair?â Killian asked her tentatively, she shook her head. They were her only pair, at least from her latest prescription, and there was no way she could afford another anytime soon.
She gripped the broken glasses in her fist, the plastic frames creaking under the force, and flung them to the floor in frustration. âHey.â Killian said softly, wrapping an arm across her shoulders. âWeâll sort things out, I can lend you some money if you need it.â
âNo!â She snapped, shrugging his arm off her shoulder. âI donât want your money! I donât need your help!â Fat tears rolled over her cheeks, the fact that he knew she couldnât afford new glasses without her having to say it, made her cheeks burn in embarrassment. She hung her head in her hands, cursing silently when her voice cracked on her next sentence. âI donât.. I donât need you to take care of me.â She whispered.
âI knowâŠâ His voice was gentle as ever.  âEmma, Iâve yet to see you fail⊠but Darling, letting someone take care of you, isnât a bad thing, it doesnât mean youâre failing⊠You donât have to do everything alone, Love.â
âThatâs how Iâve always done it.â She murmured, laughing humorlessly. âYou got sick in a group home, they made sure you stayed in your room so that the other kids didnât get it, if you were lucky you got medicine, but most of the time you werenât lucky.â
Thereâd been no one to hold her when she was a kid and she was burning up and all her muscles were aching from flu, no one to hold her hair back when the morning sickness kicked in with Henry, but sheâd learned to cope eventually. Sheâd carried on and gotten things done  Â
Killian wrapped his arm around her shoulders again and this time she didnât shake him off, Â letting him pull her back down to the mattress. He shuffled further into the middle of the bed and pulled her closer to him, tucking her head beneath his chin and slotting the cold compress between his shoulder and her forehead.
Emma let herself be held just this once, let herself listen to the thud thud thud of his heartbeat against her cheek and feel the weight of his strong arms around her. She remembered the last time someone had held her like this, it had been Neal, and behind all the complicated feelings and heartbreak, she knew there was a part of her that missed it⊠not him⊠just this.⊠Having someone hold her, that warm, happy, safe feeling you got when you wrapped your arms around someone and they did the same back.
She could feel him playing absently with her hair, threading and weaving the long strands through his fingers, and she let the feeling slowly lull her to sleep.
âŠ
When she woke up it took a few moments for her brain to process where she was. The light that streamed in through the window dazed her until she figured out that Killianâs apartment was on the east of the building, where as hers was on the west. The man in question lay in front of her, still asleep, mouth slightly agape. Her first instinct was to get out of there before he woke up, but when she tried to lift her head it pounded in protest.
She lay her head back down to wait for the dizziness to pass. Her face felt puffy and her skin felt tight and she realised that her left eye wouldnât quite open all the way. She suddenly wished that sheâd taken Killian and his ice pack more seriously. God knows what she looked likeâŠ
Killian snored softly and shifted in his sleep, one of his hands sliding lazily over her hip. âBloody seagulls.â He muttered, still obviously in the midst of a dream. Emma snorted and frowned, turning her face into her pillow to try and stay quiet.
He settled back down eventually and Emma found herself admiring him. The way his long, dark eyelashes rested against his cheeks, the faint creases in the corners of his eyes - the mark of a man who smiled. She reached out hesitantly to touch the side of his face. His facial hair was a bit thicker than he usually let it get, but she figured that was because he hadnât had access to his shaver while heâd been away. She let her fingers and her eyes trace down from the spot below his pointed ear, over the sharp line of his jaw, but where her fingers stopped her eyes continued to trail over the curve of his lower lip.
â...Morning.â Emma practically jumped out of her skin when he spoke, snatching her hand back like it had been burned and leaning away, biting her lip like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. If he had caught her he didnât mention it, justed sucked air through his teeth and frowned, pressing his fingers to the corner of her eye.
Pain shot through her and she hissed and flinched. âSorry.â He murmured, cupping her cheek in his palm instead, brushing his thumb gently against the side of her face. â...You should report him.â
She scoffed. âWe both know they wouldnât do anything.â
âI donât mean to the building, Swan, I mean to the police.â She screwed up her nose and shook her head, the idea of going through all that right now was beyond her. She just wanted to curl up with Henry and forget the whole thing. âEmmaâŠâ He began to protest, so she cut him off with the first thing that came to mind.
âWhat did seagulls ever do to you?â
âWhat?â His brows furrowed in confusion.
âIn your sleep.â She clarified, a smirk playing at the corner of her lips. âYou were mumbling about âBloody seagulls.ââ She tried to imitate his accent.
It seemed to take him a few moments to catch on, but when he did he laughed, the apples of his cheeks and the tips of his ears going pink. âAhh⊠I used to be scared of them as a boy.â He admitted. âAnd it provided Liam with hours of entertainment, and then plenty of prank material while we were in the Navy. I got over the fear eventually, didnât stop Liam and the lads throwing bits of their lunch my way so the bloody things would ambush me.â
Emma laughed, even though she felt like she shouldnât, hyper aware of the hand that was running softly over her side. âI used to be scared of needlesâŠâ She admitted distractedly, âThey still kinda freak me out.â He was smiling fondly at her, threading the fingers of his other hand through her hair again.
âInjections are the worst.â He agreed softly.
âI once kicked the nurse when I was little, when she was trying to give me shots.â
âNow that I can imagine.â He laughed.
âMmmm.â She hummed.
The air in the room felt thick, heavy with something that Emma wasnât sure she was ready to identify. Sheâs wasnât stupid, and Killian wasnât exactly subtle⊠she knew he liked her, but while sheâd resloved to ignore her feelings for him, she hadnât planned for what to do if he tried to do something about it.
Before she knew it he was leaning in, and his lips were right there, and even through all her fear and confusion, she knew that deep down she wanted to close the gap⊠but she couldnât. The fear won out, the fear of losing him, of things changing, and she pushed her hands against his chest and turned her head away.
âI...I should go see Henry.â She stammered, trying to push herself back and up but getting caught in the sheets instead. Her cheeks burned in embarrassment and she twisted around ungracefully, pulling the blankets away and swinging her feet off the bed.
Her head was swimming and she had to sit still for a few moments until the room stopped spinning. âEmmaâŠâ Sheâd felt him sit up behind her, his voice laced with concern, but she didnât stick around, she took a deep breath and stood, before shuffling unsteadily out of the room.
...
He didnât follow her right away and she was grateful. It gave her time to think, figure out how to go forward. She lifted Henry up out of the travel cot and carried him into the kitchen to make his bottle.
The last thing she wanted was for things to be weird between her and Killian, but what was the best course of action? Would talking about it make it more awkward or less? Â Frustrated tears stung the backs of her eyes and she tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she perched Henry down on the countertop and leaned her elbows on it as well.
Papers crumpled under her arm so she lifted it quickly and pulled Henry off them. She didnât mean to read them, she wasnât prying or anything, but they were just there, face up right in front of her. At first she wasnât even sure what she was looking at, but slowly realisation dawned and her heart felt as though it plummeted down into her stomach.
It just so happened that right then the sound of footsteps started down the hall. â...Emma⊠Love⊠can we talk?â
âYouâre moving.â She accused. The words were just beyond a whisper and she watched as his emotions passed over his face, confusion, realisation and finally, guilt.
âSwan, let me explain...â He said quickly, holding up his hands and approaching slowly as though she were an animal he was trying not to spook.
She shook her head, moving to walk passed him and push the papers against his chest. A copy of an application for an apartment in Storybrooke. A lease, signed by the owner, someone called David Nolan, with a blank space that she assumed would be for his signature, and the contract for a new job. God sheâd been so stupid...
âThese have made things quite clear.â She muttered, trying to keep the emotion out of her voice, tilting her chin up defiantly and blinking the tear out of her eyes.
She jostled Henry, trying to get him resting higher on her hip, but she stumbled and was just able to catch herself on the side of the couch. She closed her eyes, wanting her head to stop spinning, her thoughts to stop racing.
â...Emma.â He he said softly, hesitantly. He stepped into her space and he stooped to catch her eyes with his. Traitorous tears welled in her own eyes and she turned her head away. âSit down.â He urged.
âIâm going home now.â He gripped her elbow and she pulled it away irritably âLet go of me.â She stumbled again, and tried to swallow down the nauseous feeling, the bitter taste in her mouth. She lay her head against the top of Henryâs, feeling as though it was going to burst at the seams.
âPass Henry to me, Love. Youâre not wellâŠâ She sobbed helplessly, wanting nothing more than to just lie down and curl up on her bed. He took Henry from her gingerly and she let him, because despite everything sheâd uncovered in the last few minutes, she trusted him with her son, she trusted Killian to keep him safe⊠What she was more hesitant to trust him with, was her heart.
She pushed open his door and hurried out, down the corridor and towards the stairs, sheâd barely made it down the third when she lost her balance and started to fall forward. His arm wrapped around her middle and pulled her back and the two of them landed with a groan, in a heap on the stairs. Her stomach churned and the nauseous feeling finally won out, she lurched to the side to try and avoid his leg, and threw up.
He held her steady in his lap while she shivered and and her teeth chattered, one arm clenched tightly around her waist as the other pulled her hair back out of her face. âYouâre alright.â His own voice sounded shaky, whether that was from chasing her, or because of her almost fall, she didn't know, but she could feel his heart against her back, hammering in his chest.
When she finally felt like she wasn't going to throw up again, she slumped back against his shoulder, inhaling shakily, and biting her lip to cover a whimper. She felt so out of control, she wanted things to stop for a second, or at least slow down a little. Killian rubbed her back. âCome on, Iâm taking you to the hospital.â
She didn't have the energy to argue.
âŠ
She hated waiting rooms, even with her head pounding and that unpleasant, acidic taste in her mouth, that didn't change.
Killian tried to talk to her while they waited, but she just closed her eyes and pretended that her head hurt too much to talk. Theyâd left Henry with the old woman that lived opposite her, sheâd taken once look at Emma and taken him in without question, before urging Killian to get her to the hospital. Emma used to leave him with her before sheâd known Killian, or when both their shifts collided. She was lovely, but Emma didn't like to bother her for more than a few hours.
She shifted uncomfortably in the hard wooden chair she was sitting in, Killian tried to put an arm around her shoulder but she shrugged him off irritably. âSwan.â He sighed. âI know youâre angry with meâŠâ
âIâm not.â She cut him off, screwing her eyes shut in discomfort. âIâm not angry that your leaving⊠I just canât believe you didnât even tell me you were considering it.â She hissed, acutely aware that they werenât alone, but despite that, the eye that wasnât swollen shut welled with tears.
He sighed, reaching across to grip her hand tightly with his. âEmmaâŠâ He started.
âEmma Swan?â The nurse called.
Emma pulled her hand out of his, turned away from him and stood, he quickly followed suit and put an arm around her to keep her steady.
âŠ
She had concussion, but sheâd guessed that anyway.
Theyâd asked her some questions, shined a light in her eyes, and prescribed her some pain meds. They told her to rest, let her boyfriend take care of her, the boyfriend they referred to being Killian, and sheâd been too exhausted and embarrassed to correct them.
They caught a cab home and he didnât try to talk to her the whole way back, whether that was because they werenât alone or because he had nothing to say, she wasnât sure.
He stopped her from opening the door to the sixth floor hallway by gripping her elbow. âMrs Davis says sheâll take him for the night.â
âIâd rather he was with me.â She muttered.
âEmma, you need to rest.â He protested.
âI need my son.â She snapped, the leaflets the doctor had given her crumpling in her tight fist. Symptoms of concussion include; dizziness, nausea and mood swings... irritability. She took a deep breath trying to tame the anger boiling inside. âI need my son.â She muttered again, her voice flat, devoid of emotion . âI donât need you.â
He didnât say anything at first, his brows drawn down low over his eyes, and looked away from her. Sheâd hurt him. âWell, Iâm afraid the doctor disagrees, so unless you can find someone else to watch you for the next forty-eight hours...â He gestured up the next flight of stairs, jaw clenched. Emma pursed her lips, looking between the door that lead to her floor and the flight of stairs that lead to his.
She didnât have anyone else to take care of her, he knew that⊠Other than Henry, he was all she had⊠and he was leavingâŠ
Those damn tears welled in her eyes again, the whole situation was a mess, she just wished she could go back, unread those documents. Hell, she wished she could go back and never open the door to that bastard of a neighbour at all⊠She wasnât fit to look after Henry on her own, what if she lost her balance as she picked him up? She walked passed Killian, towards the stairs, swiping angrily at her eyes as she went.
They didnât talk as they climbed the stairs, he didnât even say anything once she was sat on his couch, resting her head to the side in a cradle she made with her arms.
He puttered around the kitchen, warming milk in the microwave and making hot cocoa, Emma watched his back as he did. She could tell by the way he held himself, the way he dragged his hand anxiously through his hair, that he was nervous about talking to her. She couldnât help but feel like he was just trying to delay the inevitable.
When he was done he brought the drink over to her, and she took it without looking at him, letting the heat of the mug warm her fingers. He sat on the coffee table in front of her, and allowed the silence get so awkward that she had no choice but to meet his eyes. âI know youâre angry with me, LoveâŠâ
âIâm not your âLoveâ.â She muttered, then laughed humourlessly. âIâm not even angry, Killian. Not really. If you can get out of this dump then you should⊠I just would have liked a bit more warning.â
âI wanted to be sure before I said anything, Lo- Emma.â He corrected himself. âI only got offered the job two days ago, I got the lease for the apartment yesterday.â
He pushed the pile of papers into her lap, but she avoided looking at them, gluing her gaze to the rim of her mug. He turned the page and lifted it over her mug so she had no choice but to look, revealing some photographs of the place, the kitchen the living area, the bathroom. âWhat do you think?â
Why was he doing this to her? Did he really think, seeing all this would make it easier? Make the fact that he was moving away sink in or something? How far away was Storybrooke anyway? She didnât say any of this however, all she said was, âItâs lovely, Killian.â
He turned the page again, these photos were of the bedrooms. âAnd this one?â He pointed to the picture of the first bedroom, it looked cosy, but not exactly small, with wooden floorboards and beams that made her think it was some sort of loft space⊠She was sure he could make it nice for himself.
âWhy does it matter what I think about it?â Â She murmured.
He shuffled forward so that he was perched on the edge of his coffee table and bowed his head to catch her eye. âBecause itâs your bedroom, if you want it.â
At first she thought perhaps sheâd heard him wrong, or perhaps the bump to the head was making her hear things. âMine?â She questioned, just in case.
âAye, if you want it.â He reassured.
She looked down at the photos again, then back up at him, still a little bit confused. âYou want us to live with you?â
âYes.â He laughed quietly, smiling fondly at her. âI want you to wait until your headâs a little less rattled before you decide⊠but yes, Iâd like that.â
âBut⊠I have HenryâŠâ She said dumbly. Surely he didnât want to be stuck with a baby tearing around the place? She looked around his apartment, attempting to be subtle- it was ridiculously organised... she wasnât sure her place had ever been this tidy...
âCharming little fellow he is too.â She scoffed and rolled her eyes at him, but couldnât help but smile a little too- he was actually serious⊠Heâd been looking for a place for the two of them. âI understand if itâs not what you want...â He started.
âNo!â She cut him off. âI mean⊠Iâd love to, but Iâm not sure if I could afford it, especially if I have to find a jobâŠâ It was hard enough for her to find a job here, what with a criminal record and only a highschool education.
âYour share of the rent would be around what youâre paying now.â He reassured. âAnd with my new job, I could afford to support the three of us until you found yourself something.â
Emma felt as though sheâd been given too much information to process all at once⊠She wanted out of here, after last night that was something she was certain of. She wanted better for her son, but this was big. Moving home, moving states⊠moving in with KillianâŠ
Her mind went back involuntarily to this morning, the way heâd leaned in to kiss her. He hadnât said anything about it, seemed content to pretend that the whole thing had never happened, but she wasnât entirely sure she could do the same⊠Did he think that by becoming roommates there was a better chance of something happening between them? If anything it was less probable⊠Where would she go if things didnât work out when they were already living together?
She shook her head. That didnât matter, she just wouldnât tempt fate. She liked him, and she would be lying if she said that she hadnât thought about (on at least three separate occasions)  what it would have felt like if she hadnât turned away from the kiss. But she valued their friendship far too much to risk it on a relationship that might not even work outâŠ
Killian reached out to squeeze her hand. âTake a couple of days to think it over⊠I certainly wasnât planning on dumping all this on you at once.â
âThere was a plan?â She smirked.
He stretched and scratched at the spot behind his ear anxiously âAye.â He laughed, standing to shift over and sit beside her on the couch. âThe plan was to subtly suggest it, bloody lot of good that did me.â
She laughed with him and tipped her head to rest it on his shoulder. âYou know if we live together youâll have to learn to put down the toilet seat.â
âAh.â He grinned, amusement in his eyes. âIâll learn to do that when you learn not to leave your underwear lying around the place.â
She gaped at him and slapped his chest playfully. âI do not!â
(She totally did, but that's besides the point.)
Winter 2003
Moving back and forth while she was in the foster system hadnât nearly prepared her for getting ready to move in with Killian. Back then sheâd travelled light, sheâd had a backpack with her most precious things, her baby blanket, a book or two, her old walkman, sometimes sheâd had a suitcase of clothes, sometimes she didnât. It depended on if she was being sent away, or running away.
She realized while she was packing however that she had more stuff than she thought, albeit most of it was Henryâs (babies had so much stuff!). But even sheâd accumulated more over the last year than she knew what to do with.
Killian had been shocked to find out that she owned a car, which was understandable since even she couldnât remember the last time sheâd driven it. Neal had left it for her for when sheâd gotten out of prison, although sheâd never know why, but she couldnât really afford to run it or keep it on the road not to mention that it still reminded her of him- and she didnât have a car seat anyway. Â She kept the car in the buildings small parking lot, in case she ever needed some emergency cash, but now it seemed that it was time for the old Bug to come out of retirement.
Killian had paid to get it back on the road, and sheâd chipped in as much as she could afford despite his protests. Heâd driven down in it and taken most of his things down the week before and returned with his nephewâs old car seat, All that had been left to do after that was try to fit all her stuff around it.
The journey to Maine was long and strenuous. Henry didnât appreciate the car seat at all, and when the rock of the car wasnât lulling him to sleep he was screaming to be out. Â Emma vowed there and then never to travel so long again until he was at least old enough to be distracted by âI spy.â
They reached Killianâs brotherâs house in the early hours of the morning, tired, hungry, and in dire need of a shower, but had only had enough energy to change and fall into bed.
Which lead her to now, sitting in her PJâs cross legged in Killianâs brotherâs living room, where sheâd spent the night on the pull out couch. Her, Liam and Elsa had exchanged pleasantries when theyâd arrived last night, but theyâd left her and Killian to get to bed after a quick introduction after seeing how tired they were. Killian had slept in his nephewâs room, but she could hear him and the others moving around and getting ready. So she was waiting for one of them to come down.
Henry was sat across from her and they were playing with his favourite toy, a colourful stuffed dragon with crinkly scales, when she heard little feet thudding on the hardwood floor. Seconds later a voice shouted down the hall âKiernan!â
She smiled and peered over the edge of the bed, watching as the little boy padded faster, completely naked, across the room, giggling. âHey, Buddy!â The kid stopped and looked up at her, a little crease forming between his eyebrows. She smiled widely at him and waved, slowly he started to smile back, his cute little nose all scrunched up.
Someone barreled into the door but stopped before opening it completely. âAhhh⊠Emma?â
It was Liam. âCome in.â She laughed, adjusting her top to make sure she was decent. He opened the door further and walking inside, eyes scanning the room for his run away son. The boy squealed and started to scamper away again but Liam caught up to him in three long strides and swooped down to scoop him up while he giggled. âKiernan, Lad! This is no way to introduce yourself to a Lass!â
Another laugh came from the doorway and Emma turned to find Killian, leaning against it, dressed in fresh clothes and his hair wet from a shower. Liam swung around to face him, looking rather unimpressed. âI thought you were watching him?â
âI was!â He sniggered. âI turned around to fetch his clothes and he hightailed it out of there. Heâs fast, you know?â
Liam rolled his eyes âHeâs two years old, Killian.â
âAnd already trying to woo the ladies.â He grinned cheekily.
âShame he takes after his uncle in his tactics.â Liam shot back.
Emma snorted, quickly covering her mouth with her hand. Killian scowled at him. âBugger off.â
Liam grinned smugly. âOnly give as good as you can take, Little brother.â
âYounger brother.â Killian corrected.
âOh, not this again.â Elsa glided the room, her hair pulled up in an elegant braid and Emma found herself wondering when in the next year sheâd get the same amount of time or energy, amidst the toddler raising, to make herself look half as good. âWe have guests,â she scolded them lightly, a fond smile playing at the corner of her lips. âBehave⊠Good morning, Emma.â Elsa smiled at her and Emma smiled back. âI hope they didnât wake you.â
âNo.â She laughed, scooping Henry up in her arms. âThis little alarm clock is set for 7am.â
âŠ
Elsa and Liam offered to look after Henry while her and Killian went to meet the owner of their new apartment and started unpacking. And although she would rather not have bothered them, Emma had to admit it would be a lot easier to get things sorted without having Henry attached to her hip.
They met David Nolan outside of an old brick building, but unlike their last place it looked well kept and wasnât one of those huge builds with fifteen floors where every apartment looked like a clone of then last. It was smaller, three floors tops and even from the outside Emma could tell it would have more character in one room than the other had in the entire building.
David was a middle aged man with blonde hair and Emma couldnât help but like him. He greeted Killian with a one armed guy hug and her with a handshake and friendly smile, before giving them both a set of keys and letting Emma unlock the door and take the first steps inside.
It was an open plan but cosy loft space, light and airy with the original brickwork peeking through the paint. He showed them around each room, and Emma was a little overwhelmed by how big it was. She couldnât remember the last time sheâd had so much space.
He showed them her room and she nearly teared up when she found a cot already set up in the corner.
âWhere?..â she murmured, covering her mouth in disbelief. When Henry had outgrown his moses basket she hated that she hadnât been able to afford anything more than a cheap travel cot. Killian had reassured her that Henry would be fine, and she was sure he would be, but she couldnât help but feel like a failure for not being able to provide him with a proper bed.
âI have a four year old son whoâs just moved into his âbig boy bedââ David explained, putting a comforting arm around her shoulder. âHe wonât miss it, I can assure you.â
âI dont know what to say.â She murmured. âNot just for the bed⊠this place isâŠâ It was worth so much more than she was paying for it, that was even more evident seeing it in real life.
He squeezed her shoulders. âWe look out for each other here Emma⊠My wife and I used to live here, and Iâd much rather this place go to someone who fits in with our community. And from what Killian tells us about you, youâll do just fine.â
Emma peered over at Killian and raised an eyebrow. It wasnât the first time someone had mentioned him talking about her, Liam and Elsa had teased him mercilessly about it, and she wondered about what kind of things he said for these people to think so highly of her.
David helped them carry their boxes up the stairs and into their respective rooms before leaving them to unpack. Â Â
They went through room by room, bickering over stupid, mundane things like the positioning of the furniture and whether the scissors lived in the drawer with the big knives or in the drawer with the cutlery.
Emma hadnât really lived with another person since she was in foster care so sheâd long since forgotten that some people did things differently to her. Obviously there had been Neal, but the proper placement of kitchen utensils wasnât something you argued about when you lived in a Bug.
Emma still couldn't believe the amount of space she had to play with now. Back in her old place sheâd had a single bed and Henryâs travel cot had been so tightly packed that sheâd only been able to get out of the bottom of one side of it. But her new room was huge, the bigger of the two (at Killianâs insistence.) Henry had his own little corner that she could turn it into a little nursery, and she still had room for a wardrobe and a dresser for their clothes.
The fact that she was moving hadnât really sunk in until then, but when it did she felt lighter, everything that had happened in that place was behind her now, and all that was left to do was look forward. She found herself swaying to the music they had playing on the radio and squealed when Killian grabbed her and spun her around without warning, laughing heartily as he did so.
The atmosphere was intoxicating and the two of them laughed and danced to the music as they worked, or at least tried to work. Everytime she seemed to be making progress Killian was pulling her away to muck around. âOkay thatâs enough.â She laughed breathlessly, pulling her hands out of his and moving over to the kitchen to sort though the pots and pans theyâd left on the counter.
He chased after her and reached around from behind her, grabbing her hands again and wrapping her fingers around a whisk and a spatula that hadnât been put away yet. He lifted them up and made her tap them against the pots as though she was playing the drums to the music. She giggled giddily and leaned back against him, tipping her head back to lay it against his chest. âKillian!â She whined playfully.
He kept on dumming, pressing his lips to the crown of her head and laughing lowly against her hair. He tapped out the big finish to the song with her and she could feel his smile against her, just as wide as her own. She turned in his embrace and wrapped her own arms around his waist, pressing her nose to his chest. He smelt like soft cotton and laundry detergent, and sweat from lifting and carrying their things.
He rocked them both side to side and indulged herself in imagining what it would be like to let him hold her like this all the time, let him brush his lips with hers. She could do it, she wanted to. If she kissed him now she was almost certain heâd go along with it, but that same fear continued to niggle at the back of her head. What if things didnât work out? So instead, when he turned his head slightly closer, she hid her face against his chest.
This was home now. Her, Henry and Killian, and she wasnât going to do anything to jeopardize that.
Spring 2004
The longer Emma was in Storybrooke the more she liked it there.
Just over a week after theyâd moved in Emma was offered a job at the diner on Main street, âGrannyâsâ it was called, after the old lady that ran the place. (Emma still wasnât sure what the woman's actual name was and in his childish amusement, Killian refused to tell her.) Sheâd gone in asking if there was any work going, and walked out after an interview so informal that she didnât even realise she was having it, with a shift for the following Friday.
She enjoyed working there so much more than her old place, the people were nicer and she wasnât constantly having to fend of handsy drunks. It was a friendly community, where everyone knew everyone, and Grannyâs seemed to be the heart of it.
Killian usually came in every day to pick up lunch for him and his brother, but today he was late. She kept peering up from wiping the counter to look up at the door, and it didnât go unnoticed.
âIâm sure heâs fine.â Mary Margaret laughed, from her stool on the opposite side of the counter. Her and Emma had become fast friends over the past few months of her living there, and Emma wasnât 100% sure how it happened. David had popped by a few days after they moved, and introduced Mary Margaret as his wife, theyâd brought them a housewarming gift so Emma had invited them in for coffee.
Sheâd never met someone so unbelievably (and a little infuriatingly) optimistic. She saw the best in everyone, even her. Emma didnât really do friends, she was a bit of a loner (Killian being the only exception) but Mary Margaret seemed to be changing that.
âIâm not worried about him.â She scoffed, faking nonchalance. âHe can take care of himself, heâs a big boy.â
âHeâs a fine piece of ass, thatâs what he is.â
âRuby!â Mary Margaret scolded, positively scandalised. Emma rolled her eyes.
Ruby was another friend that Emma didnât realise sheâd made until she was engaging in girl talk and planning shopping trips. She was a little on the⊠eccentric side maybe, but her heart was in the right place. âIâm just saying.â She held her hands up in surrender. âIf I lived with him, and I didnât have a girlfriend that could whoop said ass, Iâd be right on that.â
Mary Margaret tutted and shook her head, Emma smirked down at the counter she was wiping. âHow did you two meet anyway? Killian said you lived in the same building, but he never really gave any particulars.â
âHmmm.â Emma hummed fondly. âProbably because there isnât much he could tell you about it that didnât involve my breasts.â
Both the girls raised their eyebrows. âSay what?â Rubyâs voice had raised an octave.
Emma laughed. âWe got stuck in an elevator for a couple hours.â Ruby waggled her eyebrows, her eyes glinting with mischief but Emma waved her off. âI had to feed Henry,â she deadpanned.
Ruby sighed. âAww, youâre no fun.â
âHave you never thought about it?â Mary Margaret prompted gently, and Emma knew instantly that she was busted, but tried to play it off anyway.
âThought about what?â
Mary Margaret gave her a look, like an unimpressed mother. âEmmaâŠâ The bell above the door rang and Killian rushed in, cheeks flushed and looking dishevelled. Emma blanched and cut her eyes over to the other woman âDonât âEmmaâ meâ She hissed quietly.
Killian jogged towards them and leaned over the counter. âEmma, Love, Iâm running late, you couldnât work some of your magic and get my brother and your favourite roommate a turkey sub?â
âYouâre my only roommate.â She lifted a paper bag from out of one of the fridges that sheâd made up earlier. âHereâ She smirked, reaching for the pot and pouring coffee into a to go cup.
He grinned fondly at her and pressed a twenty into her palm, leaning further over the counter to peck her on the cheek. âYouâre a saviour. See you tonight.â
âSee you tonight.â She said softly, and just like that he was gone. The whole exchange had lasted less than a minute, but no doubt it would be on her mind for the rest of the day.
âThat boy is smitten.â Mary Margaret tittered.
Ruby sweeped past to collect a dirty glass from the counter. âNever mind him, Iâd say she was pretty fuckstruck too.â
Emma groaned.
Summer 2004
Going on a date wasnât exactly a bad thing? Right? It wasnât her fault anyway, Mary Margaret and Ruby had set her up on this blind date without her knowledge (or permission for that matter.)
Sure, she hadnât told Killian about it, but that wasnât because she she was worried about his reaction. She just didnât want to make it a thing.
It wasnât a thing! Sheâd go, do her time, and the guy had better appreciate it because it had been so long since sheâd dressed up, sheâd had to go out and buy a dress and some makeup, Â and damn these heels were already killing her.
⊠She felt guilty⊠Sheâd told Killian she was going out for a girls night, and he was looking after her son while she was on a date.
She looked over at the clock on her nightstand and cursed, flinging her bag over her shoulder and starting down the stairs. Sheâd just made it to the door when Killianâs surprised voice called down the hall âSwan!â
She spun to face him, a little dumbfounded to find him dressed up too. âKillian!â
She didnât miss the way he look her up and down. âYou look stunning, Swan.â
She smoothed down the front of her dress nervously. âThank you⊠You look⊠too dressed up to be taking care of Henry.â She said carefully.
âAhhh⊠Liam wants to go out for a drink. I hope you donât mind, but Elsa said sheâd take him and⊠I can tell Liam no if itâs not.â He was already reaching into his pocket for his phone so she reached out and grabbed his hand to still it.
âItâs fine! Killian! Honest, go spend time with your brother.â She tried to smile reassuringly at him, but he wasnât looking at her.
âIâd rather be spending time with you.â He admitted.
Emma laughed nervously, straightening his waistcoat. âIâll be good for us, getting out of the apartment. Besides Iâm the one going out when I canât even legally drink yet, at least youâve got that going for you. Iâm gonna end up the designated driver.â He laughed quietly. âDo you need me to drop Henry off?â
âNo! No, you get yourself away⊠Enjoy your girls night.â He brushed some of her hair back behind her ear.  âYou really do look amazing.â Her stomach fluttered and churned all at the same time. This was wrong, lying to him was all wrong, here she was going on a date with someone she didnât even know, when she had feelings, real feelings that were so far past a simple crush, for her best friend.
But this guy, a good friend of Mary Margaret and David apparently, was probably already on his way to the restaurant and she wasnât about to stand him up. No, it was just dinner, nothing had to happen. She could let him down gently at the end of the night, and everything would be fine.
She stretched up onto her toes and pressed a kiss to his cheek âThank you.â
âŠ
Sheâd gotten to the restaurant late but apparently that didnât matter, because the guy wasnât there either. Â The waitress lead her to her table and she spent almost twenty minutes sipping water and folding her napkin into origami swans.
Sheâd never exactly âdatedâ before, but she knew that being late wasnât a good start... She was just finishing making the third baby swan when she heard someone approaching. âSorry Iâm late, Love.. I.. Swan?â
Her head whipped up at the accent and she was greeted by those familiar blue eyes. âKillian?!â
âI thought you were out with the girls tonight?â
âI⊠They⊠I thought you were going for a drink with Liam?â The silence was awkward, and Killian scratched nervously at that spot behind his ear while she pulled apart the napkin in her hands. When they finally did speak, they both spoke at once.
âWhy didnât you tell me you had a date?â
Emma hid her face in her hands and she heard as Killian finally sat down in the seat opposite her.
She couldnât believe this, and Killian was apparently none the wiser either. Their friends had set them up, Mary Margaret acted all sweet and innocent but really she was an evil mastermind in disguise. Emma was just too mortified to find it funny. Why would they do this? They knew how she felt about him, and sheâd even told her why she didnât want to give things a shot, but theyâd gone behind her back anyway. She pulled her bag from the back of her chair, and stood up, frustrated tears welling in her eyes. âI should go...â
He grabbed her hands so she had no choice but to stay seated. âEmma, Love. Letâs just get dinner and enjoy the night out⊠This doesnât even have to be a date if you donât want it to be.â
She avoided his eyes, biting her lip as silent tears rolled down her cheeks. âI just didnât want to make it a thing, you know? Thatâs why I didnât tell you, I wasnât trying to hide it from you.â She pulled her hands out of his and hid her face in them. âMary Margaret and Ruby set me up.â
He laughed. âLiam dropped all this on me this afternoon, convinced me it was bad form to cancel on such short notice, which come to think of it was probably part of his plan all along ⊠and when I told him I was watching Henry for the night, he offered to take him.â
Realisation dawned, and she looked up to peer over her hands. âYou were late getting here because you were dropping off Henry.â
He chuckled ruefully. âThe two of you are more important than a date that I had every intention of letting down gently at the end of the night.â
She dropped her hands to the table, covering her nervous movement by playing with her paper swans. âWhat if you liked her?â She murmured, trying to sound casual. She wasnât stupid, she knew that just because sheâd declared him off limits, didnât mean that the rest of the female population had the same view. She just hadnât expected to have to deal with that thought so soon.
Killian smiled, one eyebrow raised in amusement, as if able to sense her inner turmoil. âI guess weâll find out tonight.â
âKillian.â She scoffed. This wasnât right, sheâd tried to ignore it up till now but there was no escaping the fact that she was leading him on. She had to put a stop to it. âI canâtâŠâ
âGive me one night, Love⊠Let those walls down for one night and let me show you that this⊠us⊠itâs okay⊠and if things really go that bad, we can go right back to the way we were.â Emma doubted things would ever go back to the way they were after tonight, even if she walked away now.
She let out a shaky breath and nodded silently.
âŠ
It took her a while to fully relax again, she felt like she was on tenterhooks the entire time, like everyone in the restaurant was watching with eagle eyes for the first sign of a mishap. Killian chatted away, trying to put her at ease and although the thought of being on a date with her best friend never truly left her, slowly but surely the trepidation over it began to fade a little. It wasnât that different to all the other times theyâd had lunch or dinner together, either at Grannyâs or at home.
Conversation started to flow freely during the main course, and while they waited on dessert Killian reached over to lace his fingers though hers, running his thumb soothingly over hers as they spoke. Her heart hammered in her chest at first, but she forced herself to calm down and eventually found that she actually rather liked the gesture.
The topic eventually turned to Henry and Emma couldnât help but love the way his eyes lit up as they talked about her son, the soft, almost proud, voice he used as they guessed on how long it would be until he took his first steps, or what his first word, or in Killianâs opinion his next word, would be. (Heâd recently begun shouting âMa!â but Emma was more convinced he was attempting to mimic Killian shouting âEmma!â as opposed to actually calling her âMamaâ)
They laughed and joked, and with every moment Emma could feel herself falling for him a little bit moreâŠ
âŠ
Killian insisted on paying for her meal, despite her protests, and she drove them home. Henry would be spending the night with Liam and Elsa, something the pair of them figured must have been part of the plan all along.
âYou know.â Killian laughed as they reached their front door. âWalking you home seems a little less impressive when I have to follow you inside.â Emma grinned. âAnd itâs not exactly like you have a bedroom door i can walk you to either.â He mused.
She laughed, toying with her keyring but not opening the door just yet. âIf it bothers you that much we could always pretend. You know, we say goodnight, I go in, you wait out here for couple of minutes.â
He chuckled stepping closer and threading his fingers through hers again. âDid you have a good time?â He asked softly. Emma watched their hands distractedly, mavelling in the ways they contrasted to her own, large against small, rough against smooth, pale against tan.
âNot bad.â She murmured. âYou actually made me forget that the whole thing was a mortifying set up from people that are supposed to be my best friends.â
He hummed softly in amusement. âI think youâll find thatâs my job.â He brushed his lips to her forehead and Emma felt as if her lungs had suddenly forgotten how to function.
âYeah.â She breathed out on a laugh, he stepped closer still, untangling their fingers and slipping his arms around her waist instead, her own lifted automatically to rest on his chest, gripping the collar of his jacket to try and cover up the way they shook.
âYou asked me what Iâd do if I liked my date.â He whispered against her cheek.
She swallowed thickly, absently wondering if her heart could actually physically beat out of her chest, if it couldnât it was sure giving it a good shot. She could feel his thudding a nervous beat too and tried to comfort herself with the fact that he seemed just as anxious as she was.
He brushed his lips against the corner of her mouth, but didnât do any more than that, just lingered in her space. He was leaving it up to her to make the first move. She wished he hadnât, she wished heâd made the decision for her because she wasnât sure she could anymore.
Tears rolled silently over her cheeks and as much as she tried to cover it she couldnât hide how her breath shook. Finally he sighed and pulled back slightly, pressing another kiss to her cheek. He hugged her tightly once more and finally pulled away completely. She watched numbly as he unlocked their front door and gestured for her to head inside.
She shuffled over the threshold but he didnât follow. âGoodnight, Emma.â His smile was reassuring but it didnât reach his eyes, which wouldnât quite meet hers. She reached for the door knob blindly, playing along with whatever this was that they were doing. Perhaps he wasnât coming home tonight? Perhaps he was going to Liamâs?
âNight.â She murmured, she closed the door slowly, giving him the chance to change his mind, but he didnât.
She leaned back against the door and tried to calm her racing heart. She sobbed, covering her mouth to try and muffle the sound, before running off, up the stairs, and to her bedroom.
He didnât leave to go to Liamâs. She heard him let himself in about twenty minutes later and buried her face further into her pillows. What the hell were they supposed to do now? Sheâd tried so hard to keep things from changing, but there was no backpedaling from here, the damage had been done.
She was stuck between a rock and a hard place. If she didnât do anything, she risked months of awkwardness, night after night of half conversations and no eye contact. If she chanced a relationship with him, she risked everything⊠Their friendship, her confident⊠They lived together⊠if things went wrong, would he want her to move out?
â...Emma.â She frowned, sniffing and lifting her head out from her pillows slightly âEmma, LoveâŠâ She looked up at the baby monitor on her nightstand and watched as the lights moved as he spoke. âI know you can hear me⊠and I know youâre crying.â She sniffed and wiped at her face with the heels of her hands. âI just want you to know, that no matter what happens, you will always be my best friend.â
She reached over and plucked the monitor off her nightstand, pulling it to her chest. âIf this⊠us⊠isnât something you want then thatâs fine⊠but I donât think thatâs it⊠Please, love. Just donât shut me out.â
She didnât answer straight away, and It felt like hours before she managed to speak, but it could only have been minutes. âI donât wanna lose you.â Â She whispered finally.
âYou wonât lose me⊠Emma, worst case scenario, we realise weâre not right for each other, but Iâm always going to be there for you no matter what, I promise you that. I love you, and I love Henry and I canât imagine my life without the two of you in it. â
Her heart swelled in her chest and fresh, happy tears rolled over her cheeks. She gathered her courage and finally whispered back. âI love you, tooâ
There was a low chuckle from the top of the stairs that lead into her room. She looked up to find Killian leaning against the banister. âHow come you can only admit how you feel over baby monitor?â
She gave a watery laugh and pushed herself to sit up against her headboard. Â âI donât know,â she sniffed.
He breathed a laugh and walked over to her bed, kicking off his shoes and sitting down beside her. âI want to give this a shot Emma, I know youâve been hurt, but I promise you Iâd neverâŠâ
âI know.â She cut him off, reaching over to take one of his hands in hers  âI know youâd never hurt me, Killian.â
âThen what?â
âIâm scared because I do want a future with you, I want that so badly that Iâm terrified of messing it all up.â He leaned in closer and pressed his nose to her temple. âItâs stupid and crazy and I never thought Iâd want that with someone again, but I do, and it scares the living crap outta me.â
He laughed softly. âItâs not crazy Emma. I canât tell you what the future holds, maybe things work out, maybe they donât, but I do know that the futureâs nothing to be afraid of. All you have to do is trust me.â
Not much in life was certain, it never was, but in that moment she did know two things. The first was that she could trust Killian Jones to always stand by her side, whether that was as her friend or as it soon became apparent, something more.
She smiled softly and tilted her head up towards him bringing her lips up to his. They were soft but insistent against her own, and she melted into the kiss, everything around her falling away. She ran her hands up across his chest and over his shoulders, lifting one hand to thread her fingers though the hair at the nape of his neck as he gently coaxed her lips apart.
He was warm and his arms were strong as they pulled her closer, and after a few moments she could feel the corners of his lips turn up into a smile against her own.
It was contagious. They both laughed giddily against each others mouths and she turned to press her face against the smooth skin of his neck.
...
The second thing she knew for sure, was that December 6th 2002 had to be one of the unluckiest days of her life. Not in major ways, mind you, but in regards to smaller misfortunes, December 6th was definitely up there. It was the day she decided that despite the common belief, bad things did not in fact happen in threes, they happened one after the other in the crappiest game of dominos ever.
But December 6th had also been the day sheâd met Killian Jones, and if all those crappy dominos had to fall in order for them to meet, she could say with complete certainty that sheâd let them fall all over again⊠Hell, sheâd even give them a little helping shove herself.
Hereâs the second round-up of story updates and artwork for the Captain Swan Little Bang! You can check out all of the story updates here and artwork here. The first round up can be found here and past round-ups from the last Big Bang can be found here.
This is the Second round-up for the 2018 Little Bang!
February 10th through February 19th:
On the Inside Looking Out by @theonceoverthinker
Artwork by @youre-not-a-cat-youre-a-rat
Wide Awake by @rouhn
Artwork by @sailingcaptainswan
Apparitions by @justanotherwannabeclassic
Artwork by @bleebug
Artwork by @welllpthisishappening
From Another Time, From Another Life by @the-corsair-and-her-quill
Artwork 1 Â and Artwork 2 by @captainswanandclintasha
Dancing With Our Hands Tied by @cocoa-and-rum
Artwork by @juliakaze
Once the Dawn Breaks by @initiala
Artwork by @fairytalesandtimetravel
Artwork by @sailingcaptainswan
Cracked Mirror by @aloha-4-ever
Artwork by @just-be-magnificent
Artwork by @clockadile and @just-be-magnificent
A Trip to Your Heart by @mycaptainswanjones
Artwork by @katie-dub
All Things Considered by @the-girl-in-the-band-tshirt
Artwork by @liloproductions
Artwork by @sailingcaptainswan
Transatlanticism by @mahstatins
Artwork1 Â and Artwork2 and Artwork3 by @shady-swan-jones
Captain Swan Little Bang Week One (plus a little) Round Up
Hereâs this weekâs round-up of story updates and artwork for the Captain Swan Little Bang! You can check out all of the story updates here and artwork here. Past round-ups from the last Big Bang can be found here.
This is the First weekly round-up for the 2018 Little Bang!
February 1st through February 9th:
You Need Only Ask by @xemmaloveskillianx
Artwork by @artistic-writer
Artwork by @abeylin1982
Whatâs Left Behind
*** Artwork by @slow-smiles
I Donât Need You to Save Me (But Would You Run Away with Me) by @imhookedonaswan
Artwork by @shippingtheswann
When it Comes to Loving Me by @ohmakemeahercules
Artwork 1 Artwork 2 by @katealexandra26
Glitch in the System by @pirateherokillian
Artwork by @honeybadgerhook
Knowing Little Notes by @accio-ambition
Artwork by @mrs-emma-swan-jones
Sweetest Devotion by @alocin209
Artwork by @gingerchangeling
CS 0155 Data Witchcraft by @hencethebravery
Artwork by @clockadile
Artwork by @princesse-swan
Tim Finneganâs Wake by @icecubelotr44
Artwork by @katealexandra26
Artwork by @ladyciaramiggles
When in Venice by @word-bug
Artwork 1 Artwork 2Â by @shady-swan-jones
Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you by @love-with-you-i-have-everything
Artwork by @ansoliq
Artwork by @liloproductions
Handprints on My Soul by @hookedonapirate
Artwork by @shipsxahoy
Iâll Thank My Lucky Stars For That Night by @ab-normality
Artwork by @bleebug
Album by @technicallysizzlingcloud
Artwork by @slow-smiles
