I havenāt posted in quite some time, but life has CHANGED.Ā I had an anxiety filled few months from April to July that, for lack of better words, sucked ass. Literally a panic attack around every corner, a feeling that I lost an important part of myself that I couldnāt pinpoint or describe, and an indescribable loneliness that welled up from within me for no apparent reason. There were nights where I would go on drives for no reason to god knows where just to escape these feelings. And nights when I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, but not recalling having a nightmare.Ā Iām pretty sure it was my first encounter with an identity crisis/mild depression, which Iām not ashamed to admit. I felt as if I was being crushed under the weight of expectations from both others and myself - the ones from myself being significantly heavier.Ā
Anyway, I managed to take it one step at a time. Ā My family visited Japan in June, which helped a lot. And I had some good people around who I could talk to. Not in depth (I donāt think I told anyone before this post), but it still helped me out a bit.Ā
And then in August, my two year work contract ended. Amicably, of course. I chose to end it. I stayed with a friend in the mountains for about a month, which was so nice. It was like therapy and a get-away. I am grateful for that time, even though I felt like I was being a burden at times.
Through all of that movement, I managed to land a pretty good job in the Tokyo area at a university. I still donāt believe this is happening, because it all came so quickly. But I did have to pat myself on the back for moving to Tokyo all by myself, setting up all the utilities, finding an apartment, signing various contracts... two years ago, I would have died under the pressure of doing all that in Japanese. This time, I was still dying, but it felt like growth.
Iām still settling in a bit, but I hope I can make some friends in Tokyo. I went out with a coworker for dinner the other night and connected really well, so that was nice.
Another thing... Iām challenging the dating scene. Thatās right - mama got a new phone and is (very cautiously) testing the waters via a dating app. Itās scary and confusing and alarming, and I get annoyed when people spit small-talk at me (āI just worked out...ā - thatās nice... and I should care because?). But Iāma get me a man. Iām really, really uncomfortable doing so, but somehow, I think itād be nice if I let go of being so uptight and actually let someone enter my life in a meaningful way. I mean, Iāve never been in a real relationship and Iām 26 (say it LOUD AND PROUD). Not to put pressure on myself, age aināt nothing but a number, but it WOULD be nice, and for once I finally feel ready. Now to find someone crazy enough to like me for who I am.
So thatās what Iāve been up to, other than listening to Utadaās bomb new album on repeat and shoveling chocolate into my face.
jacobvanloon
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