Has Neutral Become Your Awesome?
So I recently realized that I have a 3-tiered system for making decisions. And that most people I've met have a 2-tiered system. Or at least they only really use 2 tiers, even if they technically have the third in the back of their mind somewhere.
What I mean is that when I'm deciding whether or not to do or buy or wear something, or to go somewhere, or spend time with someone, or listen to a certain song or watch a specific movie, - pretty much anything in my life that involves me making a decision first - I make my decision based on which of the three tiers the option I'm considering lands on. My three tiers, or buckets, or sections, or whatever you'd like to call them, are labelled something like this:
No/Bad/Negative  -  Alright/Okay/Neutral  -  Yes/Fabulous/Positive
Obviously I'm not wanting to choose anything that qualifies for the No/Bad/Negative bucket. But unlike what I've seen a great many people do, I'm also trying to avoid choosing any option that falls into the Alright/Okay/Neutral section.
Here's an example. Let's say I'm deciding what to eat for lunch, and the idea of take-out from the yummy Indian place downstairs pops into my mind. I think "Mmmmm, curry," as a huge smile probably spreads across my face since I LOVE Indian food. And then I wonder whether I'm just trying to avoid cooking something for myself (which I'll admit is quite often the case as it's not a forte of mine), or whether I'm just craving something spicy.Â
Now both of the above reasons are not bad reasons to get take-out Indian food, so these options don't go in the No/Bad/Negative section. But if you take a second to consider them, they're not good reasons, either. Not wanting to cook something is avoiding something I normally look on as a chore, so is not a positive thing in itself. And there are plenty of foods I enjoy that are spicy, such as Thai or Tibetan, and such restaurants just happen to be in the building next door or a 6 minute walk away. (I know, I am really, really lucky to live near so many fantastic eateries!) So these two reasons both belong in the Alright/Okay/Neutral section. The only reason that ends up in Yes/Fabulous/Positive one is the fact that I love Indian food. So if my intuition or gut reaction is "YES! I need Indian food today!", then I'm making a decision that feels fabulous and positive to me, so I go for it. But if my intuition tells me anything like "meh, anything spicy will do," then I don't run downstairs and place an order because that would mean that in that instance I'm choosing something that just feels okay. And okay is not great.
I'd like to be clear that I quite like "okay". There is absolutely nothing wrong with "neutral". In fact, the very definition (quickly snagged from Google) is that neutral is something that is not supporting or helping either side; something that is impartial. So of course there's nothing bad about neutral. But there isn't anything good about it, either! Neutral/Okay is basically code for "yeah that's good enough". And that's cool; there's definitely situations where "good enough" rocks. Say I'm choosing a restaurant for lunch for 5 people, who have wildly different tastes in food, but who all agree that they can find something they enjoy at an Indian restaurant. Even if Indian wasn't one of my faves, it'd totally be good enough in this instance. I'd be very hard-pressed and probably taking on a lot of unnecessary stress trying to find a place that everyone in the group would go gaga over. Â
My issue is when people make choices for themselves, or are the sole decision-makers for something for another person (say buying a birthday gift), and all they're doing is avoiding the No/Bad/Negative tier. I hear it all the time when shopping with friends or family, something like "sure, he/she won't mind that; that'll do," or "this dress/pair of shoes is close enough to what I'm looking for." They're all another way of saying not great, but good enough.
And if you've left yourself 45 minutes on the day of the birthday party to find your friend a gift, or you only have one lunch break to search for your outfit for the company xmas party this Friday, then I'm totally on board. It's the best that can be done. Great! Congrats on finding something suitable.Â
But we're not always in such a hurry. Sometimes we have time to take a look at options online, stroll through shops for a few hours, and to check in with our intuition about what we're truly searching for - about what would get us so excited and happy that we'd be thrilled with the decision for weeks or months to come. You know, something from the Yes/Fabulous/Positive tier. And yet, even in these relaxed situations, people often choose something from their Alright/Okay/Neutral section because it's "decent/not bad/kind of nice"! This always confuses me.
Why are we somehow taught to shoot for good enough and that anything else is somehow extravagant, indulgent, or a waste of time and/or money? Or worse yet, to feel guilty when we're not totally enthused about an option that is considered alright? Of course we should be grateful for the okay option, but if it doesn't feel awesome to you, it's not in your Yes/Fabulous/Positive bucket, and there's nothing wrong with that.Â
Why not feel into what would be great, and choose that whenever possible? We're all worth feeling amazing, aren't we? Using one's intuition when making decisions takes a bit of getting used to, but it gets easier every time you do it. Try using it even in the small, everyday sort of choices you make. The choices I'm happiest with and most proud of making so far in my life are the ones that belong on my Yes/Fabulous/Positive tier, so that's where I'm now aiming to make as many decisions from as I can. I hope you do, too!
-You can follow Julie Wunderlich on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/EnergycoachJulieW and on Twitter at https://twitter.com/energycoachj. Her website is new and is found at www.energycoachjulie.com.
