For the first time i explained with words, details, without shouting and no tears to my mother why I blame her. I blame her for not protecting me enough as she did know how & why I was so weak. How she let someone persecuting me morally after knowing have been sexual abused and as if it wasn't heavy enough to bear, experimenting(as a teen almost losing her mom) her near-death, like if it was my fault to react to all of this with weakness. How she let that someone publicly put me to shame because of that..
I wasn't able to escape because the problem was litterally at home and that "someone" was my sister.
I needed time to heal myself from all these experiences, but haven't even had time for that because I was trying to fight against someone who made me feel I was nothing, by continually belittling me.
I also explained to her why it was so hard for me to have healthy relationships(with all types of gender) how it's hard for me to go deep in a girl/girl friendship as that sister never showed me (sincere) closeness and how it can be hard to have faith in men as they seem to only have 2 choices with me : bully me or take me for granted.
I told her I blame her for watching me end up at the hospital so many times for now almost 10 years. And she can let that someone saying to me " I wish next time you won't miss yourself" without replying anything.
I asked her to give me a reason to wake up in the morning. As I think there is no reason to truly enjoy life without her protection. I also asked her why she gave birth to me.
I didn't ask those questions to get an answer, I just wanted to express to her my thoughts, and doubts before leaving home definitly. A mom cannot choose between two children, especially when one is morally ruined and the other one is physically(cancer) ruined. Maybe she just hoped that time would fix everything. Time didn't.
I still love her. It is just anger. It's just sadness. And for that other family member I just need to give up fighting for love and especially stop thinking that everything need to be fixed in order to rebuild myself.
