You could scroll for weeks and never get to the bottom of this blog. Even then, you wouldn’t get the full story. I will sum it up as best I can, starting with the origin of my previous url, “crazyhead42″.
My first account which was unsupervised was on a site called roblox. When I needed to choose a username, I wanted something that was me and would empower me to try new things. It also couldn’t be taken and couldn’t have any personal info in it. Thus, crazyhead42 was born!
I remember wanting to make my character androgynous. I didn’t have that word at the time, but my reasoning was that I didn’t like the sexism in the design of the women’s characters, but I wasn’t a guy. I wanted the best of both worlds. Pretty quickly, I discovered that if I went around without the “female body” (which yes, I still think was sexist), I would constantly be referred to as “he”, so I began to have to tell people that no, I was not a boy but a girl. In retrospect, I wish someone had been there to say that I could request people use they/them pronouns, but I digress.
It was later that my dad introduced me to a comic, Sluggy, but I didn’t join the forums. They were not under the comic itself, and I was weary of clicking on links. One day, however, and I don’t remember how, I began reading other comics. I had also begun playing games on addictinggames.com, which took up a lot of my time.
When I joined my first comic forum, one on Dumbing of Age, I didn’t want to seem like a kid. Being a kid means no one respected you, so I left the “high school” part of my education and said I was in College. I think it worked for a while, but some of my thoughts didn’t fit with who I wanted to be. I tried making a second count to interact with them so that I could somehow express them. It didn’t end well.
Somewhere during that time period, however, I made my first meme and posted it on tumblr. I didn’t partake that much at this point though. It was not until I found the forums on http://www.dreamkeeperscomic.com that I began to get more involved. I made picture edits and put them on tumblr to hold them for me.
At some point, I began to get involved in the tumblr world through Steven Universe. I learned about racial issues and events were set in motion for me to meet my friend, (not sure which of her blogs to tag, lol).Then, I tried to speak up with the information I learned on Its Walky. THAT was my first time being banned. I felt horrible after that, especially since the ban hammer was, in my view (and I still hold to this because you can’t rely on subtlety to get your point across - not everyone is going to pick that up), it was “you must be silent!”, then I took a calculated risk and asked for resources to be better, and the response was an insult followed by a ban.
I did not go back to any of Willis’ works for a while after that, purged my blog of all references, and made my mistake: I asked why he didn’t help me. Yeah, that response was worse than if I hadn’t. Back to feeling horrible, I blocked him and dove deeper into the Dreamkeepers community. While there, I actually saw something that made me feel better - a ban done properly. The individual in question had warnings and the mods discussed what was wrong with him, but he wasn’t learning. I remember Ki and I working so hard to try to help him understand, and outlining things for him.
It didn’t work out, at least not at first. So Ki requested a friend to join us. By this time, I had already made contact and been talking to my friend for a while. Things went wrong when Ki’s friend got out of line, then later Ki said something that was not okay, and from that point on, I had stopped reading webcomics.
This would probably be the point where I burried myself in tumblr and Steven Universe. I didn’t stop learning about social justice, which I’d say is a good thing, and I began developing some real relationships. I remember being so careful at first, always afraid to say the wrong thing and get hurt. I relaxed a bit over time, but it took a lot of it for me to become comfortable for speaking most of my mind.
I began trying to shift people’s opinions against major chocolate companies who use trafficked child slave labor on their farms to little avail. I had a phase where I wanted everything and anything Lapis Lazuli (She’s the reason I actually got into the show in the first place), and I tried out digital media, wanting that sense of community.
Community and respect seem to have been constant desires throughout my decisions. And if I am to speak of respect, I will tell you what I’ve learned: Respect can not be earned, and you can not lie to get it. If you can, then it’s not respect. Respect can be given freely, and maybe lost. If someone won’t respect you for you, they don’t respect you, and that’s a tough pill to swallow, considering respect is a basic desire.
But if you go a little further forward in my blog, you will see that I changed urls due to a comment someone made about the fact that my username, “crazyhead42″ was abelist. It’s surprising how much that affected me until you realize that the same blog really hurt me with their opinion of my opinions about autism - that it shouldn’t necessarily be cured or medicated. They believed this was something like “special snowflake autistic” or something like that. I didn’t have the resources to understand and counter the information then, which used “low functioning autistics” as an excuse.
More recently in my blog, you will begin to see the term “asexual” crop up. I had determined that I was in fact asexual a while ago, and though I don’t know where I fit platonically and romantically, the fact that I am asexual has given me enough community not to care.
And here we are, at the end of this blog, with the exception of a few final formatting decisions some individual growths and relationships. and lessons along the way. One lesson I don’t think would be enforced so much in my growth was that I was right in many ways growing up, I just didn’t have what it took to back up my claims. Life can be complicated, and older people are better at manipulation, but once I understood more manipulation tactics, I was able to go back through what I remember and recognize them.
This is the history of my blog with an attempt to be somewhat coherent. Thank you for your time, be it little or a lot.
